The thoughts have been racing. self reflection. remembering previous sermons. watching my friends. self reflection. daily living. repeat. re loop. readjust. I'm honestly surprised that my brain hasn't burst - yet I've remained completely calm to those around me. I've actually written several poems this last week - which, for me, is slightly odd. I was kind of excited about the most recent one I posted because it was optimistic, it had meaning yet as I wrote it, the words didn't hit me. There wasn't a release. But then I was talking with a friend tonight - and the mess, the choas, the behind the scenes thoughts came to surface.
I splurged out something like this:
**I've discovered I'm impatient and I have a hard time thinking that there is someone better out there {referring to past boy friends}. I'm afraid to let go of what I know won't work in fear of there being nothing else or nothing better. Somewhere deep down I truly know that giving it all to God is the only way to get better, but somewhere on the surface are all these scars and bruises and pains that aren't letting me get deep down into my heart. I'm my own worst enemy. It's like when you get hurt physically all you can focus on is that pain. All I've been focusing on is the emotional turmoil - most of which I've put myself through, going for guys that like to drink, or smoke, that don't even like my name, that keep me b/c they know I'll always be there and the like. It's like I locked myself in a porta potty and asked someone to tip it over on me and continually rolled in my own crap.**
Last week my friend Angie asked me if I'd be willing to not talk to boys about relationships for a week, and commit this matter to the Lord. I agreed, nervously, but I agreed. But for the first time since I've been back at my parent's time got in the way - or I got in my own way. It was my worst week of devotionals/quiet times and by far my worst week of prayer. My brain seemingly refused to be still and listen. The word that kept coming to mind was "fear" but I still don't know why.
I know that I usually write about what I've studied or heard about - but somehow this seems appropriate to put here.
I think, simply put, I'm afraid to let go. Maybe part of it is all the moving and transitioning that's been going on - maybe boys have been the constant. Maybe it relations to the relationship I've had with my own Father. A very wise man once told me that I allow my earthly relationships to shape/determine the way I view God.
Hardell told me, that no body is good at everything. Even in school, the smartest person will struggle in one subject. So why, do i expect myself to be good at everything in life? There are areas that I need help in. That I need to just lay down in front of God and admit how lost I am. How tired I am of rolling around in my own mess - and mean it.
Perspective
You have a way
of changing my perspective
that no one can ever duplicate
My safety net is gone
you have left me no choice
but to look to you
To show me that your hands hold me
your hands guide me
your hands will never let me fall
Your hands have always held me
I have never needed my safety net
I've only needed to trust you
And always you will be there
holding, loving, supporting
I'll never need anything else
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
lil tid bits
I've wanted and hoped for something insightful and meaningful to write about. But, in some ways I've been in a lul and in some ways my brain is going to fast for me to process it!!
I would say that the biggest thing I've been reminded of is holding my tongue. It's a very hard task for me, especially as Christmas is approaching. There is soo much that I don't agree with but I know that it's not worth the fight. I know that yelling, arguing and making my voice heard is not always the best things.
And 2 sermons that I've heard this week have talked about not just deciphering b/w good and bad but making decisions for what is best. One pastor talked about that as we mature we have to make decisions b/w good, better and best. Another pastor talked about Joesph in the Christmas story and that originally Joseph just wanted to make a good decision and quietly divorce Mary; but then God intervenes with an angel and shows Joseph what is courageous and the best decision to make.
So what sacrifices do I need to make in order to make courageous choices, to truely offer my best for God?
In all honesty, the fact that I've been unemployed often leaves me feeling like I have nothing to sacrifice, or to give. How easily we can forget that sacrifice is so much more - relationships, food, ways of thinking, bad habits, so much stuff. What is it that I hold on to, that I LOVE, that I want to keep but God would really prefer me to let go of.
I know part of it is relationships - dating relationships - but I'm still not sure how to do that.
I don't know how I'm being held back
I would say that the biggest thing I've been reminded of is holding my tongue. It's a very hard task for me, especially as Christmas is approaching. There is soo much that I don't agree with but I know that it's not worth the fight. I know that yelling, arguing and making my voice heard is not always the best things.
And 2 sermons that I've heard this week have talked about not just deciphering b/w good and bad but making decisions for what is best. One pastor talked about that as we mature we have to make decisions b/w good, better and best. Another pastor talked about Joesph in the Christmas story and that originally Joseph just wanted to make a good decision and quietly divorce Mary; but then God intervenes with an angel and shows Joseph what is courageous and the best decision to make.
So what sacrifices do I need to make in order to make courageous choices, to truely offer my best for God?
In all honesty, the fact that I've been unemployed often leaves me feeling like I have nothing to sacrifice, or to give. How easily we can forget that sacrifice is so much more - relationships, food, ways of thinking, bad habits, so much stuff. What is it that I hold on to, that I LOVE, that I want to keep but God would really prefer me to let go of.
I know part of it is relationships - dating relationships - but I'm still not sure how to do that.
I don't know how I'm being held back
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
People used to what??
I finally finished reading Exodus!! And started on Leviticus today :) So if I want to kill animals more than usual in the next few days, you can attribute it to that.
I began to read Leviticus and was kind of grossed out. God called people to kill an animal for a sin offering? With a much as people sin, I'm surprised there were any animals left. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about hunting, fishing and the like - but when we do it, we do it for food. On the other hand it's amazing that God would allow a person to sacrifice an animal in order to spare that person's life. That is love. (and people would have died out pretty quickly)
So as I was reading about sacrifices, I was thinking "God, thank you soo much that we don't have to do that anymore. It's a good thing you changed the policy." I tried to take the act of sacrificing animals and put it into our society - it was a funny picture.
I used to think that God changed the sacrificial act because people changed. Ya figure that God is all knowing, so he knew that things would be different, so he adjusted. But as soon as I thought that, my brain (or the Spirit inside me) went silly Denise, God doesn't adjust. God is the creator, while we are in our mother's wombs God gives us our talents, "wires" our brains, and places us in families. If God wanted people to live the same way the people in the old testament (or even the new testament) lived, He could have controlled that. One major change was when He provided for His son as a sacrifice, that changed people needing to sacrifice animals.
But, that thought really got me - if GOd wanted people to live as people lived in the Bible, he could have controlled that. We could still live in a world without technology, lights, structured housing, guns, and all the other stuff we have now. In fact, there are still places that do live like that. But the fact is that God did allow each generation to change - in some ways for the better, in some ways for worse. Just a thought
Even though the world has changed, and we no longer sacrifice animals, there's still a message for us in Leviticus and the OT books that speak of animal and grain sacrifices - it's just not literal. I mean, these are people who were willing to give the first of their herd/food not knowing when they might get another one. It's not like they could walk down the block, or across the country, to purchase food, or new animals (at least not during the book of Leviticus I don't think they could). These people were able to admit that they did something wrong, and make a public display of it by presenting a sacrifice. We don't even have to tell anyone - we can just pray silently. But are we willing to give something up when we sin? It's kind of like grounding yourself. We could not be able to go out to eat for a week b/c of a particular sin we commit - kind of like a fast. Even still, I think the people in the OT made a greater sacrifice b/c they could never get that animal back.
I began to read Leviticus and was kind of grossed out. God called people to kill an animal for a sin offering? With a much as people sin, I'm surprised there were any animals left. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about hunting, fishing and the like - but when we do it, we do it for food. On the other hand it's amazing that God would allow a person to sacrifice an animal in order to spare that person's life. That is love. (and people would have died out pretty quickly)
So as I was reading about sacrifices, I was thinking "God, thank you soo much that we don't have to do that anymore. It's a good thing you changed the policy." I tried to take the act of sacrificing animals and put it into our society - it was a funny picture.
I used to think that God changed the sacrificial act because people changed. Ya figure that God is all knowing, so he knew that things would be different, so he adjusted. But as soon as I thought that, my brain (or the Spirit inside me) went silly Denise, God doesn't adjust. God is the creator, while we are in our mother's wombs God gives us our talents, "wires" our brains, and places us in families. If God wanted people to live the same way the people in the old testament (or even the new testament) lived, He could have controlled that. One major change was when He provided for His son as a sacrifice, that changed people needing to sacrifice animals.
But, that thought really got me - if GOd wanted people to live as people lived in the Bible, he could have controlled that. We could still live in a world without technology, lights, structured housing, guns, and all the other stuff we have now. In fact, there are still places that do live like that. But the fact is that God did allow each generation to change - in some ways for the better, in some ways for worse. Just a thought
Even though the world has changed, and we no longer sacrifice animals, there's still a message for us in Leviticus and the OT books that speak of animal and grain sacrifices - it's just not literal. I mean, these are people who were willing to give the first of their herd/food not knowing when they might get another one. It's not like they could walk down the block, or across the country, to purchase food, or new animals (at least not during the book of Leviticus I don't think they could). These people were able to admit that they did something wrong, and make a public display of it by presenting a sacrifice. We don't even have to tell anyone - we can just pray silently. But are we willing to give something up when we sin? It's kind of like grounding yourself. We could not be able to go out to eat for a week b/c of a particular sin we commit - kind of like a fast. Even still, I think the people in the OT made a greater sacrifice b/c they could never get that animal back.
Monday, December 8, 2008
unfamiliar territory
I heard something last week that struck me as not right - or it's possible that I misunderstood.
The verse used was Revelation 19:10 which in the NIV reads "At this I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, 'Do not do it! I am a fellow servant with you and with your brothers who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.'"
What was brought up was "For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy" with the implication (I believe) that our {believers} testimony to Jesus is our gift of prophecy. And I was going to just agree to disagree with what I heard because - in all honesty - the book of Revelation scares me a little bit. But, I was feeling ambitious, and I opened my Bible up and read the context around the verse and that didn't particularly help me. And because I really don't believe that we all have the gift of prophecy
I went to scripture4all.com and read the broken english word for word translation from the greek, "infront of the him be you seeing! fellow slave breathern the ones having testimony the worship with you. testimony prophecy" Which also didn't help much. So out came the commentaries, different bible translations and re reading of the scripture.
THe New Living Translation provided insight for me "Then I fell down at his feet to worship him, but he said, “No, don’t worship me. I am a servant of God, just like you and your brothers and sisters who testify about their faith in Jesus. Worship only God. For the essence of prophecy is to give a clear witness for Jesus.”
I also read that the last part of the verse could mean that Jesus' life was a prophetic message, simply meaning that the Gospels (the testimony of Jesus) were written/lived in a spirit of prophecy.
I haven't gotten more personal insight on this verse but I just don't think it is about people giving prophecies of things to come.
The verse used was Revelation 19:10 which in the NIV reads "At this I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, 'Do not do it! I am a fellow servant with you and with your brothers who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.'"
What was brought up was "For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy" with the implication (I believe) that our {believers} testimony to Jesus is our gift of prophecy. And I was going to just agree to disagree with what I heard because - in all honesty - the book of Revelation scares me a little bit. But, I was feeling ambitious, and I opened my Bible up and read the context around the verse and that didn't particularly help me. And because I really don't believe that we all have the gift of prophecy
I went to scripture4all.com and read the broken english word for word translation from the greek, "infront of the him be you seeing! fellow slave breathern the ones having testimony the worship with you. testimony prophecy" Which also didn't help much. So out came the commentaries, different bible translations and re reading of the scripture.
THe New Living Translation provided insight for me "Then I fell down at his feet to worship him, but he said, “No, don’t worship me. I am a servant of God, just like you and your brothers and sisters who testify about their faith in Jesus. Worship only God. For the essence of prophecy is to give a clear witness for Jesus.”
I also read that the last part of the verse could mean that Jesus' life was a prophetic message, simply meaning that the Gospels (the testimony of Jesus) were written/lived in a spirit of prophecy.
I haven't gotten more personal insight on this verse but I just don't think it is about people giving prophecies of things to come.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Sunday Mornin' : Unhindered Worship, Church of Coffee, and Supersized Church
This morning was amazing! I went to 2 different churches, and began to feel a sense of belonging. While I was at the churches, I was able to really worship. I was THAT person, that wasn't afraid to sing loudly, to throw my hands up, and move a lil as i worshiped the God I love. It was just such an awesome feeling, that I needed to share it :) To sing songs in the morning and mean every word I said. It was just awesome!! And the second church sang two of my favorite songs - Days of Elijah - and another one that I can't remember the name of but it rocks!
As I've been trying different churches, I've walked into many worship services and seen many a coffee cups/mugs/drinkers. Let me say that I LOVE coffee, at times - it's been an addiction. And I enjoy a casual - not uptight/formal church atmosphere. But something inside of me churns when I see people with their coffee cups inside a worship service. I wonder if it's something I got growing up in a Catholic Church - that I see the Church as the House of God. Now, as I've developed my relationship with God I realize that he dwells within each one of us and that "the church" is the people not the building. However, the intention of going to church is to worship God and have fellowship with believers and to learn more about God. I guess in my mind I think that a person can wait an hour to drink coffee (or even eat) til after a service. Maybe that's just a small pet peeve of mine. But if starbucks, or caribou, or any sort of coffee shop opened up next door to a church - I believe they would make a lot of money :)
In addition, most of the churches that I've been going to are HUGE mega churches. Maybe mega churches taking over is a way that the body of believers will unit because with less churches, the people will be closer. But it just amazes me that the church i went to today was the size of a middle school. I just hope that these churches are actually using the space they have created. Many of these large churches have small groups to get plugged into, I think. When I was thinking about these large churches I thought of some parables - the lost coin, sheep and something else. When Jesus says that a Shepard will leave the flock in one place to go off and search for the one that is wondering. I just wonder in big churches if they have a system in place (enough small groups, contacts, other people greeting and connecting people) where they know if a member or 20 members leave or are wandering. I'm not accusing them of not doing that - I'm just curious.
But all in all I had an amazing experience at church this morning - and am very thankful to have found the churches I found today :) Praise God for all the work he has done in my life!!
As I've been trying different churches, I've walked into many worship services and seen many a coffee cups/mugs/drinkers. Let me say that I LOVE coffee, at times - it's been an addiction. And I enjoy a casual - not uptight/formal church atmosphere. But something inside of me churns when I see people with their coffee cups inside a worship service. I wonder if it's something I got growing up in a Catholic Church - that I see the Church as the House of God. Now, as I've developed my relationship with God I realize that he dwells within each one of us and that "the church" is the people not the building. However, the intention of going to church is to worship God and have fellowship with believers and to learn more about God. I guess in my mind I think that a person can wait an hour to drink coffee (or even eat) til after a service. Maybe that's just a small pet peeve of mine. But if starbucks, or caribou, or any sort of coffee shop opened up next door to a church - I believe they would make a lot of money :)
In addition, most of the churches that I've been going to are HUGE mega churches. Maybe mega churches taking over is a way that the body of believers will unit because with less churches, the people will be closer. But it just amazes me that the church i went to today was the size of a middle school. I just hope that these churches are actually using the space they have created. Many of these large churches have small groups to get plugged into, I think. When I was thinking about these large churches I thought of some parables - the lost coin, sheep and something else. When Jesus says that a Shepard will leave the flock in one place to go off and search for the one that is wondering. I just wonder in big churches if they have a system in place (enough small groups, contacts, other people greeting and connecting people) where they know if a member or 20 members leave or are wandering. I'm not accusing them of not doing that - I'm just curious.
But all in all I had an amazing experience at church this morning - and am very thankful to have found the churches I found today :) Praise God for all the work he has done in my life!!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Gifts VS Fruits
I have a lot of questions, thoughts, ideas and what not floating around in my head right now. I'm not doubting, just sorting threw a lot of big/new ideas/schemas that God has placed before me. I've been going to a Bible study on Friday nights that is based out of a more charismatic church. It is just creating a desire for me to understand the Bible more for myself. And for anyone that does read what I write, I apologize if my writing is not as followable - it's a result of the multiple things going on in my mind.
When I started to look for verses on spiritual gifts I came across 1 Corinthians 12 when Paul is telling the church of Corinth that there are different gifts but they come from the same Spirit. Paul then goes on to give a list of possible spiritual gifts, and makes the analogy to a physical human body. I realize that this is not the only scripture that references spiritual gifts. When I did a search and pulled out my spiritual gifts book I was also directed towards 1Peter 4, 1 Corinthians 13-14, Ephesians 3, Ephesians 4:11 and Romans 12:6-8. It intrigues me that there is no one complete list of the gifts in the Bible. But I also noticed that when gifts are mentioned it's always with an "or". Never is it implied that everyone is to be able to do whatever list is given to them. God created us, and He knows what we will be able to best do. God gives each person a different gift, that He provides us with the power to do in order to further His Kingdom. I think my favorite verse is
Romans 12:6 "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us"! To me, that's saying that there are many different gifts, we each have different gifts, and that God equips us to use our gifts, that HE has given us!! That's like getting the toy, with all the right parts, having the directions and being told the best way to play with it :)
I know that people have debated on how many actual spiritual gifts there are, and different spiritual gifts test have varying list lengths. The book I used (which I loved) "Discovering your Spiritual Gifts" by C.Peter Wagner uses 28 gifts: prophecy, service, teaching, exhortation, giving, leadership, mercy, wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, miracles, discerning of Spirits, Tongues, Interpreting tongues, Apostle, Helps, Administration, Evangelist, Pastor, Celibacy, Voluntary poverty, martyrdom, missionary, hospitality, intercession, deliverance and Leading worship.
The other day I was praying I was thinking about the fruits of the Spirit. I couldn't remember all of them so I looked it up Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." And then I proceeded to think of the verses in Matthew 7 which talk about recognizing a person by their fruits. They also come up in Mark, Luke and John. Jesus said that those who bear no fruit will be cut off the vine and thrown into the fire. (John 15:2). So, if we are expressing/producing the fruit of the Spirit then we are not abiding in Jesus' vine. To me, this says that the fruits of the spirit are essential to our walk with Christ. These fruits of the spirit are what set Christians apart from the world, they are what let people know that we have Jesus. There's also no "or" this is a list in it's entirety, a list that we are all supposed to work on having. And if God is going to throw us into the fire if we are not exhibiting these characteristics (or at the very least honestly trying) it would seem pretty darn important!
*Side note* this verse also reminded me of what I've been working on doing around my house. About how to give God praise and glory with all my heart. If I practice having/doing Galatians 5:22-23 with the people I interact with, I will be bringing God praise and glory *end of side note*
I think I said ALL of that just to say this - The fruits of the Spirit is what ALL Christians are to have. But there is no one person that has ALL of the gifts ever mentioned in the Bible; nor is there one gift that ALL believers have.
*I guess there's the long round about what of how I got to my simple three line thought*
When I started to look for verses on spiritual gifts I came across 1 Corinthians 12 when Paul is telling the church of Corinth that there are different gifts but they come from the same Spirit. Paul then goes on to give a list of possible spiritual gifts, and makes the analogy to a physical human body. I realize that this is not the only scripture that references spiritual gifts. When I did a search and pulled out my spiritual gifts book I was also directed towards 1Peter 4, 1 Corinthians 13-14, Ephesians 3, Ephesians 4:11 and Romans 12:6-8. It intrigues me that there is no one complete list of the gifts in the Bible. But I also noticed that when gifts are mentioned it's always with an "or". Never is it implied that everyone is to be able to do whatever list is given to them. God created us, and He knows what we will be able to best do. God gives each person a different gift, that He provides us with the power to do in order to further His Kingdom. I think my favorite verse is
Romans 12:6 "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us"! To me, that's saying that there are many different gifts, we each have different gifts, and that God equips us to use our gifts, that HE has given us!! That's like getting the toy, with all the right parts, having the directions and being told the best way to play with it :)
I know that people have debated on how many actual spiritual gifts there are, and different spiritual gifts test have varying list lengths. The book I used (which I loved) "Discovering your Spiritual Gifts" by C.Peter Wagner uses 28 gifts: prophecy, service, teaching, exhortation, giving, leadership, mercy, wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, miracles, discerning of Spirits, Tongues, Interpreting tongues, Apostle, Helps, Administration, Evangelist, Pastor, Celibacy, Voluntary poverty, martyrdom, missionary, hospitality, intercession, deliverance and Leading worship.
The other day I was praying I was thinking about the fruits of the Spirit. I couldn't remember all of them so I looked it up Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." And then I proceeded to think of the verses in Matthew 7 which talk about recognizing a person by their fruits. They also come up in Mark, Luke and John. Jesus said that those who bear no fruit will be cut off the vine and thrown into the fire. (John 15:2). So, if we are expressing/producing the fruit of the Spirit then we are not abiding in Jesus' vine. To me, this says that the fruits of the spirit are essential to our walk with Christ. These fruits of the spirit are what set Christians apart from the world, they are what let people know that we have Jesus. There's also no "or" this is a list in it's entirety, a list that we are all supposed to work on having. And if God is going to throw us into the fire if we are not exhibiting these characteristics (or at the very least honestly trying) it would seem pretty darn important!
*Side note* this verse also reminded me of what I've been working on doing around my house. About how to give God praise and glory with all my heart. If I practice having/doing Galatians 5:22-23 with the people I interact with, I will be bringing God praise and glory *end of side note*
I think I said ALL of that just to say this - The fruits of the Spirit is what ALL Christians are to have. But there is no one person that has ALL of the gifts ever mentioned in the Bible; nor is there one gift that ALL believers have.
*I guess there's the long round about what of how I got to my simple three line thought*
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Praise
Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. -Psalm 86: 11-13-
Three verses of complete power, so much that I stuttered, I needed to hear all of that. I need an undivided heart, I need to fear His name more, I need to praise and glorify His name, and I needed to be reminded that I was pulled from the depths of the grave.
Verse 12 stayed with me a little longer - I will PRAISE you, O Lord my God, with ALL MY HEART; I will GLORIFY your name FOREVER. What would that really look like? There's always verbal praise, verbal glory that we can give to God as we pray and go about our day. But just yesterday I read about God calling us to be do-ers of the His word (james 1:22-25, Luke 6:46-49). So, I wonder, how can I praise and glorify God with my actions.
It's been rough on me not having any job, and not having much to do while I wait on people to call me back. And I think, actually I know that I have wasted a lot of time. Of course, it's okay for me to relax, but not to be a complete bum. God has given me all this time that I could/should be using to learn more about HIM, to draw close to HIM - that would bring HIM a lot of glory. And if I was learning more about Him, I would probably be praising Him more. AND, if I was spending time in His word, I wouldn't be as tempted to make poor choices!!
I also know that I've had a poopy attitude at home. I don't try to, it just happens. When i try and talk, I sound agitated, or I have a blank look on my face, or I don't want to tell them anything. It's hard to have conversations with my family, and many of the conversations are heart breaking: either bad news, or how my sister doesn't care about God, or gossip, etc etc. However, this is the place that God brought me back to. I don't know if I'll be leading them in salvation prayers but it hit me today that my actions/attitudes can lead them to question my lifestyle. Of course it's hard, but it would bring God glory.
Today I remembered teaching the kids in macomb about Jesus and how he used to water to wash his disciples feet. And my challenge to them was to do something nice for someone that they wouldn't normally do. To empty the dishwasher for mom, or help a sibling with a chore even if it wasn't their turn. I think I need to take my own advice. If I'm going to be home all day there's no reason I can't do a laundry check, get that ironing done that's been sitting there since last week, wash the dishes, put away the dishes, vacuum, clean windows, take out the trash, go grocery shopping and the list goes on and on. Now, i do some of these things, but nearly as much as I could do (especially being that I am home all day).
It also struck me that in verse 12 he talks about praising with ALL of his heart. David didn't want to just give part of his heart to God, but wanted to give him thanks with everything he had. How often do I feel my heart and my life divided into so many different parts and places. I know some people focus on our humanity, and will say that we can never praise with ALL our heart. And that may be the case, but you'll never know if you don't try. If we only do what we think we can do, we are putting God in a box, and not trusting that He can do so much with out lives if we just give them over to Him. In the spirit of Christmas, it's like wanting to find the perfect gift for someone but fearing that you will not find it. So instead of getting them something, or trying to look for it, you give them nothing instead. I wonder if that's how God looks at it? If we only give half our heart, if it really comes across as nothing? Or maybe it comes off as luke warm (revelations).
Again -Psalm 86:11-13)
Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
PS If you could join me in praying about God's will/direction for my life, that would be much appreciated. I should hear back from Mooseheart this week.
Three verses of complete power, so much that I stuttered, I needed to hear all of that. I need an undivided heart, I need to fear His name more, I need to praise and glorify His name, and I needed to be reminded that I was pulled from the depths of the grave.
Verse 12 stayed with me a little longer - I will PRAISE you, O Lord my God, with ALL MY HEART; I will GLORIFY your name FOREVER. What would that really look like? There's always verbal praise, verbal glory that we can give to God as we pray and go about our day. But just yesterday I read about God calling us to be do-ers of the His word (james 1:22-25, Luke 6:46-49). So, I wonder, how can I praise and glorify God with my actions.
It's been rough on me not having any job, and not having much to do while I wait on people to call me back. And I think, actually I know that I have wasted a lot of time. Of course, it's okay for me to relax, but not to be a complete bum. God has given me all this time that I could/should be using to learn more about HIM, to draw close to HIM - that would bring HIM a lot of glory. And if I was learning more about Him, I would probably be praising Him more. AND, if I was spending time in His word, I wouldn't be as tempted to make poor choices!!
I also know that I've had a poopy attitude at home. I don't try to, it just happens. When i try and talk, I sound agitated, or I have a blank look on my face, or I don't want to tell them anything. It's hard to have conversations with my family, and many of the conversations are heart breaking: either bad news, or how my sister doesn't care about God, or gossip, etc etc. However, this is the place that God brought me back to. I don't know if I'll be leading them in salvation prayers but it hit me today that my actions/attitudes can lead them to question my lifestyle. Of course it's hard, but it would bring God glory.
Today I remembered teaching the kids in macomb about Jesus and how he used to water to wash his disciples feet. And my challenge to them was to do something nice for someone that they wouldn't normally do. To empty the dishwasher for mom, or help a sibling with a chore even if it wasn't their turn. I think I need to take my own advice. If I'm going to be home all day there's no reason I can't do a laundry check, get that ironing done that's been sitting there since last week, wash the dishes, put away the dishes, vacuum, clean windows, take out the trash, go grocery shopping and the list goes on and on. Now, i do some of these things, but nearly as much as I could do (especially being that I am home all day).
It also struck me that in verse 12 he talks about praising with ALL of his heart. David didn't want to just give part of his heart to God, but wanted to give him thanks with everything he had. How often do I feel my heart and my life divided into so many different parts and places. I know some people focus on our humanity, and will say that we can never praise with ALL our heart. And that may be the case, but you'll never know if you don't try. If we only do what we think we can do, we are putting God in a box, and not trusting that He can do so much with out lives if we just give them over to Him. In the spirit of Christmas, it's like wanting to find the perfect gift for someone but fearing that you will not find it. So instead of getting them something, or trying to look for it, you give them nothing instead. I wonder if that's how God looks at it? If we only give half our heart, if it really comes across as nothing? Or maybe it comes off as luke warm (revelations).
Again -Psalm 86:11-13)
Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.
PS If you could join me in praying about God's will/direction for my life, that would be much appreciated. I should hear back from Mooseheart this week.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Tongues
That's right I've been thinking about tongues, in the NIV the word "tongue" is used 92 times. In my four years of attending church, I don't think I've ever heard someone speak about tongues; however, I have heard people speak in tongues. It's interested me because in a congregation it seems to be an all or nothing deal. At first I thought this was odd that all the "tongue speakers" were only in certain churches. But then it made more sense to think that they would congregate in a church together because there are some people who think speaking in tongues is a dead gift.
I do not think that speaking in tongues is a dead gift, I think it's a gift that people still have. I also think that it's a prayer language. I have never spoken in tongues. But it is my impression that it's something that happens when a person is filled with the Spirit. So can a person who prays in tongues understand what he/she is saying? Understanding/Interpreting tongues is also a gift - a gift that I have only seen once; but I haven't a clue is the pastor interpreted correctly. I don't really think there is a way to verify the interpretations of tongues, unless there is more than one person who can interperate tongues in a room.
When I looked to the Bible for some understanding I focused on one passage. In summary I believe it says this: Tongues can be spoken in a congregation, only if someone can interpret them.
I'm going to paste 1 Corinthians 14 in this blog, so that you don't have to go look it up yourself if you would like to read it. But I'm kinda curious as to how other people view this. Okay, I'm really curious as to how other people view this
1Corinthians 14 (NIV)
1 Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy. 2 For anyone who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God. Indeed, no one understands him; he utters mysteries with his spirit. 3 But everyone who prophesies speaks to men for their strengthening, encouragement and comfort. 4 He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church. 5 I would like every one of you to speak in tongues, but I would rather have you prophesy. He who prophesies is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets, so that the church may be edified.
6 Now, brothers, if I come to you and speak in tongues, what good will I be to you, unless I bring you some revelation or knowledge or prophecy or word of instruction? 7 Even in the case of lifeless things that make sounds, such as the flute or harp, how will anyone know what tune is being played unless there is a distinction in the notes? 8 Again, if the trumpet does not sound a clear call, who will get ready for battle? 9 So it is with you. Unless you speak intelligible words with your tongue, how will anyone know what you are saying? You will just be speaking into the air. 10 Undoubtedly there are all sorts of languages in the world, yet none of them is without meaning. 11 If then I do not grasp the meaning of what someone is saying, I am a foreigner to the speaker, and he is a foreigner to me. 12 So it is with you. Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church. 13 For this reason anyone who speaks in a tongue should pray that he may interpret what he says. 14 For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prays, but my mind is unfruitful.
15 So what shall I do? I will pray with my spirit, but I will also pray with my mind; I will sing with my spirit, but I will also sing with my mind. 16 If you are praising God with your spirit, how can one who finds himself among those who do not understand say "Amen" to your thanksgiving, since he does not know what you are saying? 17 You may be giving thanks well enough, but the other man is not edified. 18 I thank God that I speak in tongues more than all of you. 19 But in the church I would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue. 20 Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.
21 In the Law it is written: "Through men of strange tongues and through the lips of foreigners I will speak to this people, but even then they will not listen to me," says the Lord. 22 Tongues, then, are a sign, not for believers but for unbelievers; prophecy, however, is for believers, not for unbelievers. 23 So if the whole church comes together and everyone speaks in tongues, and some who do not understand or some unbelievers come in, will they not say that you are out of your mind? 24 But if an unbeliever or someone who does not understand comes in while everybody is prophesying, he will be convinced by all that he is a sinner and will be judged by all, 25 and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God, exclaiming, "God is really among you!"
26 What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church. 27 If anyone speaks in a tongue, two--or at the most three--should speak, one at a time, and someone must interpret. 28 If there is no interpreter, the speaker should keep quiet in the church and speak to himself and God. 29 Two or three prophets should speak, and the others should weigh carefully what is said. 30 And if a revelation comes to someone who is sitting down, the first speaker should stop. 31 For you can all prophesy in turn so that everyone may be instructed and encouraged. 32 The spirits of prophets are subject to the control of prophets. 33 For God is not a God of disorder but of peace. As in all the congregations of the saints,
34 women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. 35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.
36 Did the word of God originate with you? Or are you the only people it has reached? 37 If anybody thinks he is a prophet or spiritually gifted, let him acknowledge that what I am writing to you is the Lord's command. 38 If he ignores this, he himself will be ignored. 39 Therefore, my brothers, be eager to prophesy, and do not forbid speaking in tongues. 40 But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.
I do not think that speaking in tongues is a dead gift, I think it's a gift that people still have. I also think that it's a prayer language. I have never spoken in tongues. But it is my impression that it's something that happens when a person is filled with the Spirit. So can a person who prays in tongues understand what he/she is saying? Understanding/Interpreting tongues is also a gift - a gift that I have only seen once; but I haven't a clue is the pastor interpreted correctly. I don't really think there is a way to verify the interpretations of tongues, unless there is more than one person who can interperate tongues in a room.
When I looked to the Bible for some understanding I focused on one passage. In summary I believe it says this: Tongues can be spoken in a congregation, only if someone can interpret them.
I'm going to paste 1 Corinthians 14 in this blog, so that you don't have to go look it up yourself if you would like to read it. But I'm kinda curious as to how other people view this. Okay, I'm really curious as to how other people view this
1Corinthians 14 (NIV)
1 Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy. 2 For anyone who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God. Indeed, no one understands him; he utters mysteries with his spirit. 3 But everyone who prophesies speaks to men for their strengthening, encouragement and comfort. 4 He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church. 5 I would like every one of you to speak in tongues, but I would rather have you prophesy. He who prophesies is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets, so that the church may be edified.
6 Now, brothers, if I come to you and speak in tongues, what good will I be to you, unless I bring you some revelation or knowledge or prophecy or word of instruction? 7 Even in the case of lifeless things that make sounds, such as the flute or harp, how will anyone know what tune is being played unless there is a distinction in the notes? 8 Again, if the trumpet does not sound a clear call, who will get ready for battle? 9 So it is with you. Unless you speak intelligible words with your tongue, how will anyone know what you are saying? You will just be speaking into the air. 10 Undoubtedly there are all sorts of languages in the world, yet none of them is without meaning. 11 If then I do not grasp the meaning of what someone is saying, I am a foreigner to the speaker, and he is a foreigner to me. 12 So it is with you. Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church. 13 For this reason anyone who speaks in a tongue should pray that he may interpret what he says. 14 For if I pray in a tongue, my spirit prays, but my mind is unfruitful.
15 So what shall I do? I will pray with my spirit, but I will also pray with my mind; I will sing with my spirit, but I will also sing with my mind. 16 If you are praising God with your spirit, how can one who finds himself among those who do not understand say "Amen" to your thanksgiving, since he does not know what you are saying? 17 You may be giving thanks well enough, but the other man is not edified. 18 I thank God that I speak in tongues more than all of you. 19 But in the church I would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue. 20 Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.
21 In the Law it is written: "Through men of strange tongues and through the lips of foreigners I will speak to this people, but even then they will not listen to me," says the Lord. 22 Tongues, then, are a sign, not for believers but for unbelievers; prophecy, however, is for believers, not for unbelievers. 23 So if the whole church comes together and everyone speaks in tongues, and some who do not understand or some unbelievers come in, will they not say that you are out of your mind? 24 But if an unbeliever or someone who does not understand comes in while everybody is prophesying, he will be convinced by all that he is a sinner and will be judged by all, 25 and the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God, exclaiming, "God is really among you!"
26 What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church. 27 If anyone speaks in a tongue, two--or at the most three--should speak, one at a time, and someone must interpret. 28 If there is no interpreter, the speaker should keep quiet in the church and speak to himself and God. 29 Two or three prophets should speak, and the others should weigh carefully what is said. 30 And if a revelation comes to someone who is sitting down, the first speaker should stop. 31 For you can all prophesy in turn so that everyone may be instructed and encouraged. 32 The spirits of prophets are subject to the control of prophets. 33 For God is not a God of disorder but of peace. As in all the congregations of the saints,
34 women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. 35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.
36 Did the word of God originate with you? Or are you the only people it has reached? 37 If anybody thinks he is a prophet or spiritually gifted, let him acknowledge that what I am writing to you is the Lord's command. 38 If he ignores this, he himself will be ignored. 39 Therefore, my brothers, be eager to prophesy, and do not forbid speaking in tongues. 40 But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
A Faith Like That
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1
Those who trust in the LORD Are as Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides forever. Psalm 125:1
But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:11-12
A verse that's been running through my head, a verse that Patrick posted, and a verse from synergy. When I went out to Rockford on Friday to a bible study - I had a conversation with the leader of the group I believe. Since it was a small group, it was pretty obvious that it was my first time there. After the bible study we got to talk about my Coming to Jesus Story and I remember saying something like "Making the decision to follow God was easy". And it was, once I knew about Jesus, it made sense, I committed and that was the end - no kicking, no screaming, no what if's....but ever since then I have kicked, and screamed and fought like no other.
I began to wonder the other night what makes me want to forget about God and living a holy life? It's not that I don't believe, or that I ever lost faith. I did some dumb things and made plenty of poor choices but I haven't denounced God. But I hear speakers that talk about giving their last $100 to missions and then receiving money in an envelope from a stranger. Or people who have had prophecy's given to them. Stories of people who sooo very clearly have heard the word of God in prayer, in dreams or just in life. People that from day to day do not feel the need to have even one drink. People that when you spend just one hour with them, you KNOW that their life is different and that they experience true joy.
I felt this week like I am holding something back. There is some fear still cooped up near my heart. Something that still wants to hold onto the past, that wonders what a night of drinking and dancing will led to. That still wants to feel affection. That can't always stop from looking at images. Have I let go of a lot of things? YES! And is there a time in my walk with the Lord that these things were not an issue? Yes! What made those times, so much different than these times?
I just hit the ground running when I came to Christ - found a Christian Organization, found a small group, went to church, and took my 20 hour of classes. And I was being discipled. I think that's mostly what made the difference - I was busy. I had things to do, I had many Christians that were around me for support when i was beginnig to wobble and life was really much different in college. And somehow as time went on and I would get "hurt" by one of my Christian friends, as we lost touch, as we disagreed, as they were no longer in my life I took it out on God. As I wrote about in "search me" those instances, I think are holding me back and I won't let go of them. Kind of like Jonah, I want the people who hurt me to feel some remorse, to apologize to me for not being there when I needed them to be. But people are imperfect, and I'm sure there are people who I have hurt that are wishing the same things upon me. Nonetheless, I hold on, and I make it harder for myself to grow, I make it harder for me to have a solid faith.
And maybe, just maybe, I hold onto the worldly acts because I don't want to loose them too. See, I lost Christian friends as they turned away from God, turned to homosexuality, or they stopped keeping in touch. And I'm afraid that if I stop drinking that the family and friends around me will think that is too weird, and they won't want to hang out with me. It's already begun to happen. In my mind, somewhere, I thought that as long as I had people around that I would be okay. Until recently I hadn't put much thought into what types of people I was around. I'm concerned about what non-Christians think of me :(
Am I ready and willing to take a stand? To stop living to please the people around me and live to please God and truly and whole heartedly seek His glory? Am I brave and confident enough in my God to let go? To simply have faith?
Those who trust in the LORD Are as Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides forever. Psalm 125:1
But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:11-12
A verse that's been running through my head, a verse that Patrick posted, and a verse from synergy. When I went out to Rockford on Friday to a bible study - I had a conversation with the leader of the group I believe. Since it was a small group, it was pretty obvious that it was my first time there. After the bible study we got to talk about my Coming to Jesus Story and I remember saying something like "Making the decision to follow God was easy". And it was, once I knew about Jesus, it made sense, I committed and that was the end - no kicking, no screaming, no what if's....but ever since then I have kicked, and screamed and fought like no other.
I began to wonder the other night what makes me want to forget about God and living a holy life? It's not that I don't believe, or that I ever lost faith. I did some dumb things and made plenty of poor choices but I haven't denounced God. But I hear speakers that talk about giving their last $100 to missions and then receiving money in an envelope from a stranger. Or people who have had prophecy's given to them. Stories of people who sooo very clearly have heard the word of God in prayer, in dreams or just in life. People that from day to day do not feel the need to have even one drink. People that when you spend just one hour with them, you KNOW that their life is different and that they experience true joy.
I felt this week like I am holding something back. There is some fear still cooped up near my heart. Something that still wants to hold onto the past, that wonders what a night of drinking and dancing will led to. That still wants to feel affection. That can't always stop from looking at images. Have I let go of a lot of things? YES! And is there a time in my walk with the Lord that these things were not an issue? Yes! What made those times, so much different than these times?
I just hit the ground running when I came to Christ - found a Christian Organization, found a small group, went to church, and took my 20 hour of classes. And I was being discipled. I think that's mostly what made the difference - I was busy. I had things to do, I had many Christians that were around me for support when i was beginnig to wobble and life was really much different in college. And somehow as time went on and I would get "hurt" by one of my Christian friends, as we lost touch, as we disagreed, as they were no longer in my life I took it out on God. As I wrote about in "search me" those instances, I think are holding me back and I won't let go of them. Kind of like Jonah, I want the people who hurt me to feel some remorse, to apologize to me for not being there when I needed them to be. But people are imperfect, and I'm sure there are people who I have hurt that are wishing the same things upon me. Nonetheless, I hold on, and I make it harder for myself to grow, I make it harder for me to have a solid faith.
And maybe, just maybe, I hold onto the worldly acts because I don't want to loose them too. See, I lost Christian friends as they turned away from God, turned to homosexuality, or they stopped keeping in touch. And I'm afraid that if I stop drinking that the family and friends around me will think that is too weird, and they won't want to hang out with me. It's already begun to happen. In my mind, somewhere, I thought that as long as I had people around that I would be okay. Until recently I hadn't put much thought into what types of people I was around. I'm concerned about what non-Christians think of me :(
Am I ready and willing to take a stand? To stop living to please the people around me and live to please God and truly and whole heartedly seek His glory? Am I brave and confident enough in my God to let go? To simply have faith?
Friday, November 21, 2008
Happy Holidays
As some of you may know, my mom and I had a very interesting conversation the other day - okay, it was more of an argument. It started because she feels like she needs to pull information from me, then I was frustrated that she doesn't really like my job choice, which quickly got to the heart of the matter - her being upset/not understanding why I want to leave the house, and thinking that I don't care about spending time with the family, and it just spiraled from there. It's a very touchy topic in many families. Specifically, my mom was concerned about holidays. If I get this job at Mooseheart, http://www.mooseheart.org/Employment.asp , I would be living with children who might not have families to go home to for the holidays - thus, I'd be working. Now I'm sure that holidays are on a rotating basis and split up amongst the 3 adults in the house but there would still be holidays I would "miss" with the family. This greatly concerns my mother, but what made her cry was that I don't care.
Now, before you think that I'm a horrible person hear me out. For one, I would find it much more rewarding to spend a holiday with people who don't even have a family to go home to - and to provide some sense of family for them. For two, I don't feel like my family really celebrates holidays. And this is where my wheels started turning earlier this week.
As a Christian it is easy to say that the purpose of Christmas is to celebrate the life of Christ - but it doesn't seem that easy to do. What does it mean to celebrate someone's life? TO me, to remember someone's life means to do something that they would have done. At funerals people tell stories about the person who has passed, and each funeral is different; to match the personality of the one who has gone. Isn't that how we should celebrate a person's life?
Now, I know that December 25th is not the actual day of Jesus' birthday - but that is the day it has been chosen to be celebrated. What would it look like if we celebrated Jesus' birthday in the same way we celebrated our birthday? Most birthdays have people, food, and presents. We can't physically have Jesus show up to his birthday party, but we His Spirit is always with us. Then we can invite Jesus' friends - well luck for us, everyone was a friend of Jesus, he would have invited anyone he knew to His celebration. I'm pretty certain that The 12 disciples would have been there, some tax collectors, prostitutes, widows, orphans, and maybe some religious leaders (because Jesus wanted us to be kind to our enemies). So the people is taken care of - anyone and everyone.
What about the food? There would have been a feast!! And it all would have been in his honor, and he would use his best china. There is just something about going to someone's house for food and using nice dishes and silverware, as a guest it can make you feel more welcome. I'm sure there would have been wine - but I don't think Jesus would have been playing "wine pong" or chugin' a few back with his guests. And I'm sure there would have been stories of the awesome things he'd done, and the plans he had for the future.
And the presents? What do you give to someone who has everything - I mean literally, this is the guy who's Father created the universe - pretty hard to top that gift. And my mind went to Isaiah 1: 11 - 13 "The multitude of your sacrifices - what are they to me?' says the Lord. 'I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs an goats. ... Stop bringing meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me.'"
So, don't bring Jesus burnt offerings on his birthday! haha! Though this verse was before Jesus' ministry on earth, I believe it is still applicable. In Isaiah the Lord was tired of people sacrificing for the sake of sacrificing - He wanted to see their true character, to see lives changed. That's the best give you could give to Jesus - not to give just to give. But to do something in His namesake and for His Kingdom. He doesn't need a hat, a new stereo, a wine holder (well maybe that) but point being that at a celebration for Jesus, I don't think he would have accepted a tangible gift.
I'm having a hard time finding all the right words today but as I thought about this over the week it began to alter how I view Christmas vs how my family views Christmas. I think that if we really want to celebrate our Savior's birth we will do something for those who are less fortunate, extend our arms and go out of our comfort zone.
Maybe instead of someone who already has enough even more - we can give something to someone who doesn't have enough. Of course we want to give things to those we love, I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as it is out of love. Countless times in the gospels we are reminded to take care of the widows, the orphans, and those less fortunate than ourselves - what better time to do that than the day we celebrate our savior's birth?
PS Random lil tid bit - website on the history of Christmas http://www.history.com/minisite.do?content_type=Minisite_Generic&content_type_id=1252&display_order=1&mini_id=1290
Now, before you think that I'm a horrible person hear me out. For one, I would find it much more rewarding to spend a holiday with people who don't even have a family to go home to - and to provide some sense of family for them. For two, I don't feel like my family really celebrates holidays. And this is where my wheels started turning earlier this week.
As a Christian it is easy to say that the purpose of Christmas is to celebrate the life of Christ - but it doesn't seem that easy to do. What does it mean to celebrate someone's life? TO me, to remember someone's life means to do something that they would have done. At funerals people tell stories about the person who has passed, and each funeral is different; to match the personality of the one who has gone. Isn't that how we should celebrate a person's life?
Now, I know that December 25th is not the actual day of Jesus' birthday - but that is the day it has been chosen to be celebrated. What would it look like if we celebrated Jesus' birthday in the same way we celebrated our birthday? Most birthdays have people, food, and presents. We can't physically have Jesus show up to his birthday party, but we His Spirit is always with us. Then we can invite Jesus' friends - well luck for us, everyone was a friend of Jesus, he would have invited anyone he knew to His celebration. I'm pretty certain that The 12 disciples would have been there, some tax collectors, prostitutes, widows, orphans, and maybe some religious leaders (because Jesus wanted us to be kind to our enemies). So the people is taken care of - anyone and everyone.
What about the food? There would have been a feast!! And it all would have been in his honor, and he would use his best china. There is just something about going to someone's house for food and using nice dishes and silverware, as a guest it can make you feel more welcome. I'm sure there would have been wine - but I don't think Jesus would have been playing "wine pong" or chugin' a few back with his guests. And I'm sure there would have been stories of the awesome things he'd done, and the plans he had for the future.
And the presents? What do you give to someone who has everything - I mean literally, this is the guy who's Father created the universe - pretty hard to top that gift. And my mind went to Isaiah 1: 11 - 13 "The multitude of your sacrifices - what are they to me?' says the Lord. 'I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs an goats. ... Stop bringing meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me.'"
So, don't bring Jesus burnt offerings on his birthday! haha! Though this verse was before Jesus' ministry on earth, I believe it is still applicable. In Isaiah the Lord was tired of people sacrificing for the sake of sacrificing - He wanted to see their true character, to see lives changed. That's the best give you could give to Jesus - not to give just to give. But to do something in His namesake and for His Kingdom. He doesn't need a hat, a new stereo, a wine holder (well maybe that) but point being that at a celebration for Jesus, I don't think he would have accepted a tangible gift.
I'm having a hard time finding all the right words today but as I thought about this over the week it began to alter how I view Christmas vs how my family views Christmas. I think that if we really want to celebrate our Savior's birth we will do something for those who are less fortunate, extend our arms and go out of our comfort zone.
Maybe instead of someone who already has enough even more - we can give something to someone who doesn't have enough. Of course we want to give things to those we love, I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as it is out of love. Countless times in the gospels we are reminded to take care of the widows, the orphans, and those less fortunate than ourselves - what better time to do that than the day we celebrate our savior's birth?
PS Random lil tid bit - website on the history of Christmas http://www.history.com/minisite.do?content_type=Minisite_Generic&content_type_id=1252&display_order=1&mini_id=1290
Monday, November 17, 2008
Surrounded by who?
Sunday night, was a great night! I went to go visit a friend from college. He had been telling me about his church, Faith Center, for a few years and has asked me to come visit the church. I tried to get out there before I went to California but between packing, my cousin's wedding, and everything else, I wasn't able to. But, last night, I finally was able to. It was a different church experience from what I've had recently and that is what made it so amazing! For the first time I was able to hear someone interpret another person speaking in tongues. The service was great, passionate and convicting worship, music, prayers, and message.
While the service was amazing, what stuck out the most to me was what happened after the service. Joe and 5 of his friends all went out to eat. We sat at Chili's and were able to have conversation. It wasn't necessarily deep rooted theological talk reviewing the sermon piece by piece just awesome conversation with people I had just met. There where times when the conversation dabbled in spiritual matters and I was in awe at the ease this conversation occurred. It was soo comforting. On the way home I called another friend Jay, and experienced that same comfort. It was just wonderful to be surrounded by Godly, Christian people.
Since I came home from California, and especially after last night, I've been examining my friendships. While I was away, I cut a lot of fat out of my life but I am still not where I need to be. I've come to realize that my closest of friends don't go to church, some don't even believe in God. In no way do I think it's wrong to have non-Christian friends - and I believe that they are in my life for a reason. However, I think of Paul writing to the Corinthians and telling them to not be yolked with unbelievers for what place does darkness have with light. I always thought those verses were incredibly harsh. But if you've ever asked someone who doesn't hold the same views as you for advice you can see the truth in those verses even more. I mean a carrot could never give a pear advice on how to be the best pear he could be :)
I've wondered why I don't hear God's voice more clearly, what suffocates me and holds me down? And I think it has a lot to do with where I turn to for guidance, support, and advice. If I'm asking people who do not believe the same things I do for advice, of course I'm not going to hear the voice of God. Of course I'm going to ponder choices that God may never have attended for me to ponder. And, they will never understand just opening up and hearing His will for my life.
Which kinda brings me back to that verse in Hebrews....doesn't it? That idea of surrounding yourself with a great cloud of witnesses
While the service was amazing, what stuck out the most to me was what happened after the service. Joe and 5 of his friends all went out to eat. We sat at Chili's and were able to have conversation. It wasn't necessarily deep rooted theological talk reviewing the sermon piece by piece just awesome conversation with people I had just met. There where times when the conversation dabbled in spiritual matters and I was in awe at the ease this conversation occurred. It was soo comforting. On the way home I called another friend Jay, and experienced that same comfort. It was just wonderful to be surrounded by Godly, Christian people.
Since I came home from California, and especially after last night, I've been examining my friendships. While I was away, I cut a lot of fat out of my life but I am still not where I need to be. I've come to realize that my closest of friends don't go to church, some don't even believe in God. In no way do I think it's wrong to have non-Christian friends - and I believe that they are in my life for a reason. However, I think of Paul writing to the Corinthians and telling them to not be yolked with unbelievers for what place does darkness have with light. I always thought those verses were incredibly harsh. But if you've ever asked someone who doesn't hold the same views as you for advice you can see the truth in those verses even more. I mean a carrot could never give a pear advice on how to be the best pear he could be :)
I've wondered why I don't hear God's voice more clearly, what suffocates me and holds me down? And I think it has a lot to do with where I turn to for guidance, support, and advice. If I'm asking people who do not believe the same things I do for advice, of course I'm not going to hear the voice of God. Of course I'm going to ponder choices that God may never have attended for me to ponder. And, they will never understand just opening up and hearing His will for my life.
Which kinda brings me back to that verse in Hebrews....doesn't it? That idea of surrounding yourself with a great cloud of witnesses
Friday, November 14, 2008
Search Me
I decided last week that I wanted to visit my friends in Macomb (where I went to college) and to get out of the house. I was most excited to see Angie and Patrick and their amazing boys - aiden and anthony. Being around their family is such a warming feeling...I never feel out of place in their house!!
Today, I am sitting in the union of my university. It's quiet, for some reason, no one ever uses this top floor. I came over here this morning with a lot of things on my mind. I sat down on my favorite squishy comfy couch and started to type out what was on my mind - I feel flooded with memories and thoughts. I finished typing 2 pages of none sense when a song began to go through my mind - It's called Search Me by David Hunt. Which is odd because as I was showering, I was singing "Going to the chapel and we're, gunna get married, going to the chapel...." etc. As the lyrics were running through my head it took me a while to place the song "Hold me close, to your heart....search me, Oh God and know my heart...." As the lyrics continued to come I stopped. I stopped typing, I stopped answering the text messages and I just let the lyrics run through my head. I was hesitant to play the song but I did - on my computer - and I can hardly put to words the automatic sense of peace. Maybe it's the slow melody line, the simple background music, the soothing voice of Dave hunt ... but I think it's the powerful words, the plea, the crying out that just caused me to stop and just be in a moment with a wonderful worship song to my God.
Search me, oh God and know my heart
Test me, oh God and know my thoughts
See if there be any wicked way in me
Lead me into the way everlasting
Hold me close, to your heart
never drift, never part
Let me know, you are near
in your love there's no fear
hold me close, hold me close, to your heart
The second part of this song were the lyrics that began to run through my head first. I love the picture this paints - and the reminder that in God's love there is no fear! That God does not want to harm us, or to scare us away - that he longs to hold us close to Him. That we are the ones who get in the way of that happening. That we hold wickedness, bitterness, anger, frustration among other things in our heart - and we let it dwell and linger there. That I get upset at a person, a thought, a view, and I let it consume me and I allow that consumption to distance me to God. I allow one single incident to keep me from what is truly good for me and pleasing to God.
Yet, if I can do what Paul tells us to do - to cast my anxieties upon the Lord and release them from my heart - then I will be able to let God hold me, even closer. I will see that the fears I have in my life do not come from God but they come from myself. And that if I feel fear in a relationship or a situation - that maybe, just maybe, it's not from God.
Of course there is a healthy sense of fear - and a fear of God - but that is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that gut wrenching fear that immobilizes me from taking a step forward. The fear that prevents me from being held bu God, that keeps me from having the Hebrews 11:1 faith - Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see!! That kind of faith can not be had with a wicked or fearful heart.
So, today I say "Search my heart, oh God - and show me my wicked ways. So that I may remove them, and allow YOU LORD to hold me, to guide me, and to love me".
Psalm 139 NIV
1 O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 5 You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. 19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! 20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Today, I am sitting in the union of my university. It's quiet, for some reason, no one ever uses this top floor. I came over here this morning with a lot of things on my mind. I sat down on my favorite squishy comfy couch and started to type out what was on my mind - I feel flooded with memories and thoughts. I finished typing 2 pages of none sense when a song began to go through my mind - It's called Search Me by David Hunt. Which is odd because as I was showering, I was singing "Going to the chapel and we're, gunna get married, going to the chapel...." etc. As the lyrics were running through my head it took me a while to place the song "Hold me close, to your heart....search me, Oh God and know my heart...." As the lyrics continued to come I stopped. I stopped typing, I stopped answering the text messages and I just let the lyrics run through my head. I was hesitant to play the song but I did - on my computer - and I can hardly put to words the automatic sense of peace. Maybe it's the slow melody line, the simple background music, the soothing voice of Dave hunt ... but I think it's the powerful words, the plea, the crying out that just caused me to stop and just be in a moment with a wonderful worship song to my God.
Search me, oh God and know my heart
Test me, oh God and know my thoughts
See if there be any wicked way in me
Lead me into the way everlasting
Hold me close, to your heart
never drift, never part
Let me know, you are near
in your love there's no fear
hold me close, hold me close, to your heart
The second part of this song were the lyrics that began to run through my head first. I love the picture this paints - and the reminder that in God's love there is no fear! That God does not want to harm us, or to scare us away - that he longs to hold us close to Him. That we are the ones who get in the way of that happening. That we hold wickedness, bitterness, anger, frustration among other things in our heart - and we let it dwell and linger there. That I get upset at a person, a thought, a view, and I let it consume me and I allow that consumption to distance me to God. I allow one single incident to keep me from what is truly good for me and pleasing to God.
Yet, if I can do what Paul tells us to do - to cast my anxieties upon the Lord and release them from my heart - then I will be able to let God hold me, even closer. I will see that the fears I have in my life do not come from God but they come from myself. And that if I feel fear in a relationship or a situation - that maybe, just maybe, it's not from God.
Of course there is a healthy sense of fear - and a fear of God - but that is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that gut wrenching fear that immobilizes me from taking a step forward. The fear that prevents me from being held bu God, that keeps me from having the Hebrews 11:1 faith - Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see!! That kind of faith can not be had with a wicked or fearful heart.
So, today I say "Search my heart, oh God - and show me my wicked ways. So that I may remove them, and allow YOU LORD to hold me, to guide me, and to love me".
Psalm 139 NIV
1 O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 5 You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. 19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! 20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Two messages from one source?
I have a few thoughts that are seeming to merge together, that are going to be difficult to articulate, but I'm going to give it a whirl.
The question on my mind this week is - how can two people pray similar prayers yet receive completely different answers? As I went to CA I was experiencing this situation in a relationship, and it totally threw me for a loop. It really did rock my faith, because I thought that I was earnestly praying and hearing God but at the same time my "friend" also believed he was earnestly seeking and hearing God; except I would hear "no" and he would hear "yes". There were way more situations in this particular relationship but the short story is we were each continually hearing different messages from God. But, the relationship ended and I eventually let go of it all. Until I entered a different relationship and was, at times, experiencing this same situation. The second time it was not occurring as often but it was still occurring.
The other day, I remembered something that a friend had told me "The only thing your relationships have in common is you." Now, at this point my friend and I were talking more about the woman who complain that X, Y and Z always happens to them. But, the thought was still running through my head.
So, inside my lovely little head, the wheels began to crank and turn. I began to think about discernment. In the end, that's what it comes down to - being able to discern what is from God and what comes from other sources. So, how do you know if you have discernment or if you are correctly discerning what you hear/what's around you? And I remembered that Christianity was never meant to be a walk alone. Not only is it a walk with God, but it's also a walk with other believers. In our walk we are to surround ourselves with those that are wiser than us - Titus 2 - and to seek their counsel. We can all point out and identify people in our lives who we believe to be spiritually mature, and we go to them for advice on what to do in our lives. We ask people to assist us in prayer. If we are walking with a group of believers, and praying together we have other people to run our ideas past. It almost seems like, if the people around us (that we feel are spiritually mature) are reaching the same conclusions about our situations, that we ourselves are discerning correctly. That makes sense but it seems kinda technical and formulated. I don't know. There are some things where discernment can be checked to scripture but God doesn't tell us which job to take or which person to date.
The other part of discernment that I began to think of was prayer and the communication with God. It's easier to talk than listen - and for myself, I know that I have this problem when it comes to God. I tell God everything, and I do try to open my heart up, but I don't think I'm always truly humble. It's hard, there's always my pride to get in the way. How can I be sure that I'm out of the way of my prayers? I don't know. It's hard for me to not try and take the wheel of my life and direct it - cuz I think I'm a pretty fair director. But then I look at some of the things I have done in my life and I begin to think that I may not have always been the best director....maybe I don't really know what's best. Then comes the pride saying "of course you know what's best" and thus the cycle continues.
After all of that, I thought again about hearing 2 messages from one source. And I concluded, at least for these situations, that all involved persons were in the way of our prayers. That each of us wanted something that we weren't really willing to give up or change, and though we prayed for God's will that we each secretly held on to our own. Really, that seems to be the only "logical" reasoning. Now, how do you address that sort of a situation without sounding arrogant, I think that's a whole nother thought process that I'll go thru in the weeks to come.
I think I've given myself enough to chew on - pride and getting out of the way of my prayers.
The question on my mind this week is - how can two people pray similar prayers yet receive completely different answers? As I went to CA I was experiencing this situation in a relationship, and it totally threw me for a loop. It really did rock my faith, because I thought that I was earnestly praying and hearing God but at the same time my "friend" also believed he was earnestly seeking and hearing God; except I would hear "no" and he would hear "yes". There were way more situations in this particular relationship but the short story is we were each continually hearing different messages from God. But, the relationship ended and I eventually let go of it all. Until I entered a different relationship and was, at times, experiencing this same situation. The second time it was not occurring as often but it was still occurring.
The other day, I remembered something that a friend had told me "The only thing your relationships have in common is you." Now, at this point my friend and I were talking more about the woman who complain that X, Y and Z always happens to them. But, the thought was still running through my head.
So, inside my lovely little head, the wheels began to crank and turn. I began to think about discernment. In the end, that's what it comes down to - being able to discern what is from God and what comes from other sources. So, how do you know if you have discernment or if you are correctly discerning what you hear/what's around you? And I remembered that Christianity was never meant to be a walk alone. Not only is it a walk with God, but it's also a walk with other believers. In our walk we are to surround ourselves with those that are wiser than us - Titus 2 - and to seek their counsel. We can all point out and identify people in our lives who we believe to be spiritually mature, and we go to them for advice on what to do in our lives. We ask people to assist us in prayer. If we are walking with a group of believers, and praying together we have other people to run our ideas past. It almost seems like, if the people around us (that we feel are spiritually mature) are reaching the same conclusions about our situations, that we ourselves are discerning correctly. That makes sense but it seems kinda technical and formulated. I don't know. There are some things where discernment can be checked to scripture but God doesn't tell us which job to take or which person to date.
The other part of discernment that I began to think of was prayer and the communication with God. It's easier to talk than listen - and for myself, I know that I have this problem when it comes to God. I tell God everything, and I do try to open my heart up, but I don't think I'm always truly humble. It's hard, there's always my pride to get in the way. How can I be sure that I'm out of the way of my prayers? I don't know. It's hard for me to not try and take the wheel of my life and direct it - cuz I think I'm a pretty fair director. But then I look at some of the things I have done in my life and I begin to think that I may not have always been the best director....maybe I don't really know what's best. Then comes the pride saying "of course you know what's best" and thus the cycle continues.
After all of that, I thought again about hearing 2 messages from one source. And I concluded, at least for these situations, that all involved persons were in the way of our prayers. That each of us wanted something that we weren't really willing to give up or change, and though we prayed for God's will that we each secretly held on to our own. Really, that seems to be the only "logical" reasoning. Now, how do you address that sort of a situation without sounding arrogant, I think that's a whole nother thought process that I'll go thru in the weeks to come.
I think I've given myself enough to chew on - pride and getting out of the way of my prayers.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
sin that so easily entangles
The day I went for a walk and the following days, one verse has continually run through my mind.
Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
As that verse came to mind, so did many conversation about it - some with Jasper, some with Patrick and Angie, and VBS 2007. I began to wonder if there were other times in the NT that Paul used the words "hinder" or "entangle" so I went to crosswalk.com and began to do some searching of definitions.
When using the NAS version the word is no longer hinder but encumbrance and Hebrews 12:1 is the only time this word is used. It was defined as 1. Whatever is prominent, protuberance, bulk, mass - hence a burden, weight, encumbrance. So Paul is saying to throw off anything that is causing a burden, anything we are saturated with that is weighing us down. ANd the phrase easily entangles is also only used once in the NT and is defined as Skillfully surrounding. So, all of this I could have found out if I had just read the amplified version of the bible instead of looking up Greek root words and definitions.
Then the thinking began - how many things are in my life that are unnecessary weight? That I feel like I need to attend to that are really only slowing me down. Or, how many people and friendships are like an unnecessary weight? I thought about the wasted time, pseudo "addictions", feeling the need to please people, or gain the approval of family. I thought about all the crap that I accumulate in my room that cluters my living space and causes tension which then turns into an attitude. How about the things I do instead of developing deep, meaningful friendships?
The next part of the verse that talks about the sin that so easily entagles is always a kicker. To just be able to get rid of the bad things that I do, the things that displease God...just like putting off the old self, and putting off filthy language and all that other stuff.
For the most part, I think that Paul was talking about things (idols, money) or thought processes. And often times the things that hinder us to cause us to sin. But then it hit me, the reason this verse popped into my head was because I was thinking about my family. ANd the question I've been pondering is - Is my family a hindrance? Well the answer to that question is a yes! BUT, are they a hindrance that needs to be put aside? While I can't find it at the moment, I know there are verses in the gospels when Jesus talks about denying your biological family when being adopted into his Kingdom. But, after 4 years I haven't been able to truly figure that out.
I understand what Paul is saying and it's easier for me to think about putting off things like drinking, porn, smoking, sex, loving money (especially cuz I'm broke), false idols and things of those nature. But what about relationships? Some relationships do bring about more sin than others - but how much of that sin is control? Because in essence I choose my sin, usually no one is making me sin. So is there a line? A line of needing to work through a sin issue instead of simply "throwing it off"?
At this point in my life it is difficult to place space b/w my family and I especially since they are my financial support. But I'm sure there is something that I still need to do - stop seeking their approval, stop hoping they will understand, or stop expecting them to bail me out.
The next few days I will be praying through such matters because it really is bringing me down to be at "home".
Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
As that verse came to mind, so did many conversation about it - some with Jasper, some with Patrick and Angie, and VBS 2007. I began to wonder if there were other times in the NT that Paul used the words "hinder" or "entangle" so I went to crosswalk.com and began to do some searching of definitions.
When using the NAS version the word is no longer hinder but encumbrance and Hebrews 12:1 is the only time this word is used. It was defined as 1. Whatever is prominent, protuberance, bulk, mass - hence a burden, weight, encumbrance. So Paul is saying to throw off anything that is causing a burden, anything we are saturated with that is weighing us down. ANd the phrase easily entangles is also only used once in the NT and is defined as Skillfully surrounding. So, all of this I could have found out if I had just read the amplified version of the bible instead of looking up Greek root words and definitions.
Then the thinking began - how many things are in my life that are unnecessary weight? That I feel like I need to attend to that are really only slowing me down. Or, how many people and friendships are like an unnecessary weight? I thought about the wasted time, pseudo "addictions", feeling the need to please people, or gain the approval of family. I thought about all the crap that I accumulate in my room that cluters my living space and causes tension which then turns into an attitude. How about the things I do instead of developing deep, meaningful friendships?
The next part of the verse that talks about the sin that so easily entagles is always a kicker. To just be able to get rid of the bad things that I do, the things that displease God...just like putting off the old self, and putting off filthy language and all that other stuff.
For the most part, I think that Paul was talking about things (idols, money) or thought processes. And often times the things that hinder us to cause us to sin. But then it hit me, the reason this verse popped into my head was because I was thinking about my family. ANd the question I've been pondering is - Is my family a hindrance? Well the answer to that question is a yes! BUT, are they a hindrance that needs to be put aside? While I can't find it at the moment, I know there are verses in the gospels when Jesus talks about denying your biological family when being adopted into his Kingdom. But, after 4 years I haven't been able to truly figure that out.
I understand what Paul is saying and it's easier for me to think about putting off things like drinking, porn, smoking, sex, loving money (especially cuz I'm broke), false idols and things of those nature. But what about relationships? Some relationships do bring about more sin than others - but how much of that sin is control? Because in essence I choose my sin, usually no one is making me sin. So is there a line? A line of needing to work through a sin issue instead of simply "throwing it off"?
At this point in my life it is difficult to place space b/w my family and I especially since they are my financial support. But I'm sure there is something that I still need to do - stop seeking their approval, stop hoping they will understand, or stop expecting them to bail me out.
The next few days I will be praying through such matters because it really is bringing me down to be at "home".
My Testimony
I was baptized at St. Bernadine’s church when I was born, I went to my CCD classes…completed my First Communion, reconciliation and my first confirmation. I knew that there was a God and a guy names Jesus, but that was the end of what I believed. I was taught that as long as I was a pretty good person, and went to confessions that I would be allowed into heaven. Religion and church were never something we talked about. While I was in high school, my family and I had stopped going to church, none of my friends really went and I was afraid to go by myself. In high school I was not sure of who I really was, I felt as though I had to be a different person around different people. I was never sure how to handle my feelings and I was constantly searching for attention from the world. I often found myself in emotional pain, turmoil and I was sick of myself and this world. I was sick of living. I wanted to start over, I was sick of beating myself into the ground but I did not know how to change. The only way that I thought I could piece my life back together was through dying. I never thought that I would amount to much of anything – I felt like I was being dragged down. However, there was always something that told me to keep pushing forward, to try and look to the next day….to not be like those that had hurt me.
I went to WIU and I tried to find myself in the things of this world; drinking, smoking, a little pot, attention from people and a relationship that was not pleasing to God. All of these things helped me to have friends and people to talk to stuff about but they all left me feeing empty inside and each time I indulged myself, the emptier I felt. It made no sense, I volunteered, was in honors classes, had a loving boyfriend but I still was empty. In the Spring semester of 2004 I was taking a world religion class, working with the elderly and reading a book by the female Christian music therapist, DeForia Lane; between these three things I could tell that people who were in Christ were different. Christians were more whole and complete. Last summer I came to Grace church with the Rawleys. The Rawleys were a family that I had known since I was a freshman in high school and I saw that their life was different as well and it had never occurred to me to talk to them. Anyway, I began to talk to the Rawleys about God and Jesus. After Mr. Rawley explained to me what it meant to be a Christian and that Jesus was the sacrifice to end all sacrifices I began to put some pieces of my life together. I was lost, in pain and I NEEDED Jesus in my life- on August 20th, 2004 the night before I went back to school I repented of my sins and accepted Jesus into my life as my personal Savior and Lord.
I was nervous about going back to school and how I would become involved in Christian ministry. But God blessed me! One of my friends, Jasper introduced me to a girl, Michelle Tufano, who attended Western Illinois and she helped me to get involved with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. Through her I met other Christians to go to church with and worship the Lord with. Now, after 6 long years of searching for myself I have finally found peace. Peace in becoming the person that God created me to be and peace to be in a community that is bonded together through Christ Jesus. God has been there for me in good and bad times and I know that he was that light that was pushing me forward in those hard times. A verse that continually amazes me is II Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come! Jesus has allowed me to finally die-to die to my old ways and though of life. Not only has he let those die but he has blessed me in giving me something to turn to. He has totally provided for me. I am so blessed that he would deliver me from my sin and turn my emotional disaster of a life around to make me a child of his!!
I went to WIU and I tried to find myself in the things of this world; drinking, smoking, a little pot, attention from people and a relationship that was not pleasing to God. All of these things helped me to have friends and people to talk to stuff about but they all left me feeing empty inside and each time I indulged myself, the emptier I felt. It made no sense, I volunteered, was in honors classes, had a loving boyfriend but I still was empty. In the Spring semester of 2004 I was taking a world religion class, working with the elderly and reading a book by the female Christian music therapist, DeForia Lane; between these three things I could tell that people who were in Christ were different. Christians were more whole and complete. Last summer I came to Grace church with the Rawleys. The Rawleys were a family that I had known since I was a freshman in high school and I saw that their life was different as well and it had never occurred to me to talk to them. Anyway, I began to talk to the Rawleys about God and Jesus. After Mr. Rawley explained to me what it meant to be a Christian and that Jesus was the sacrifice to end all sacrifices I began to put some pieces of my life together. I was lost, in pain and I NEEDED Jesus in my life- on August 20th, 2004 the night before I went back to school I repented of my sins and accepted Jesus into my life as my personal Savior and Lord.
I was nervous about going back to school and how I would become involved in Christian ministry. But God blessed me! One of my friends, Jasper introduced me to a girl, Michelle Tufano, who attended Western Illinois and she helped me to get involved with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. Through her I met other Christians to go to church with and worship the Lord with. Now, after 6 long years of searching for myself I have finally found peace. Peace in becoming the person that God created me to be and peace to be in a community that is bonded together through Christ Jesus. God has been there for me in good and bad times and I know that he was that light that was pushing me forward in those hard times. A verse that continually amazes me is II Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come! Jesus has allowed me to finally die-to die to my old ways and though of life. Not only has he let those die but he has blessed me in giving me something to turn to. He has totally provided for me. I am so blessed that he would deliver me from my sin and turn my emotional disaster of a life around to make me a child of his!!
Every blog needs a beginning story
And this blog will be no exception. Last week, I walked out of a church service because I did not feel comfortable. As I turned on my car there was an amazing message on the radio about conquering your past - and it was just what I needed to hear. I was then prompted to drive to a park and go for a walk. It was a beautiful walk at Herrick Lake, watching the leaves change, children play and families having fun. Somewhere in the midst of my walk the idea of having a blog kept popping up in my head. I thought this was kind of strange, but then I found myself narrating it in my head. I realized that I don't always share what I'm learning from God - due to the business of life, getting caught up in the negatives, and my friends just being far away from me. So, even if no one else ever reads this, in a way this i smy accountability. My goal is to post someone once a week. I already know that some of it will be working thru questions, while some of it is sharing. I invite you, to comment, and question, and learn with me - I like doing things together!!
Let the blogging begin :)
Let the blogging begin :)
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