A better place

Today and yesterday were my days off, and I spent a good deal of them sleeping. I keep telling myself that I'm going to do all these things, clean and organize and read - but it just doesn't seem to happen. But last night, I finally just opened up my itunes and listened to some of the sermons that have been downloading. I began to listen to a series called "pause" from Mossaic (in california). And what sticks out to me was listening to a pastor saying "you get to decide how you tell the story". He had been talking about being surprised with a sky diving trip, and he was nervous. But he realized that he got to decide how he told the story. Either he wouldn't do it, and people would sympathize with him, or he could do, be brave, and see if others would take the same risk. He ended up sky diving. He related this to the life we live - that with opportunity that arises, we get to chose how we rise to the occasion and then get to tell the story. When it comes to faith, and trials - how are we going to tell the story? How many times do I just give in because at the time it's easier - but what type of story does that make? Looking back, I don't think anyone really enjoys telling those stories - well there was this time that Satan tempted me, and I gave in. Every time we retell the story, that weakness sets in again. BUT how much strong we feel when we can say that Satan tempted us, and we fought. Then you become an encouragement to others, and it makes each battle better.

Another series was one that Church of the Beach Cities did around Christmas about forgiveness. Pastor Ken talked about how holding grudges and non-forgiveness against people only brews bitterness but learning to let go and forgive creates betterness. And he reminded me that if we are not able to forgive others, how is God supposed to forgive us? Then pastor Jimmy talked about forgetting. I often find myself dwelling in mistakes of the past and the times that I have really screwed up. Listening to Jimmy speak reminded me that we can't change the past. Remembering my pre-marital relations with guys doesn't make them go away, I can't undo the mistakes that I have already made - so what's the point? The more I remember them, the more I get sucked into them and the harder it is to move forward. Jimmy also reminded me that God has already forgotten it.

The last few months have been rocky, and strange and often ridiculous. Today, is the first time since the beginning of January that I feel myself heading towards a better place, towards the place I want to be. I know that it will not be easy. I know that I have many obstacles to overcome but I'm beginning to remember that I have fought this all before. My heart is softening and it's beginning to take in the knowledge that my head already has.

stuck

I'm stuck. Just like pooh bear in the tree when he was trying to get the honey.

Occasionally something inside of me stirs and I can feel that something is missing but I'm mostly stuck.

I work 14 hours a day, I'm so exhausted on my days off all I want to think about is sleep.

I can make a million and four excuses and reason myself out of anything.

I don't get to go to a church on Sunday and fellowship.

The men that are around me don't seem to hold the same morals that I do. Nor do the women.

I know I don't want to be in this place forever but I don't know how to find the energy to change.

I'm usually happy - I love my job - but I'm tired.

I don't want to stay stuck

I want to hear or learn something new