nothing

I want to cry, but I cant
I want to process thoughts, but I can't
I feel engulfed by nothing-ness
It's all floating by

Searching for so long to find the core
Where did this hurt begin
Why does it always come down to the same battle?

I feel like I should just plaster epic fail on my head
call the game early

I wont' let go of whatever I'm holding on to
I don't know where to land if I fall
The world is full of hurt, and I'm trying to learn to love in it

Too afraid of losing what little I have
Too many times it's hurt

Why can't I ever get it right?

Finished another book :)

Lately, focusing has been an issue for me. I feel like the world is flying by with millions of thoughts, images and ideas rushing towards me on a continual basis. How am I supposed to know what to focus on? So, logically, I head to Caribou Coffee on my day off to get some work and reading done :) How glorious, to have finished another book - Healing for Damaged Emotions (with the workbook) on the gloomy rainy day. It feels so great to have fnished two amazing books and to feel like my life has a chance of making sense and coming together.

As I've read through this book it has helped me to dig up some hurts AND it's almost felt like a text book as well. I have a sense that I will be in a counseling role, to some capacity, in my life. I still have snipets of being a speaker for young women. Who knows.

THe last two chapters have been about depression and God's recycling grace. The two chunks of scripture that have been repeating thru the book are 2 Corinthians 4: 7-9, 16 7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.


And also Romans 12:9-21
Future Glory
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[a] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
More Than Conquerors
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[b] who[c] have been called according to his purpose.

That's all that I really have for now. I'm still processing through all that I have learned and how to apply it. That God isn't the author of all events, but He is the master of all events. This means that nothing ever happens to you that God can't and won't use for good if you will surrender it into His hands and allow Him to work. (p 187)

PS I think that everyone needs to go thru this book!! :)

Goal Updates

I was just thinking that it has been some time since I posted "updates" and was thinking about the goals I had set by myself on September 21st - it's nearly two months later and I feel like I have made some progress. When i had posted it, my goals were:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with God in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something God is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings

So here is where I stand on these goals:
1. I have not read one psalm a day but I have spent at least 20 minutes with God most days
2. When the children have not been sick or when I've not been in meetings I have met my goal of working out for 30 minutes at least 4 times a day. And now that I have started rock climbing I go for a few hours every Monday.
3. I have mostly succeeded at limiting my coffee intake and my caffeine intake in general - of course, minus those few very very long nights
4. I believe I have successfully managed to blog once a week about what I've been learning.
5. And I've put away $150 every month.

So, I may not have met them all, but I believe that I"m making very awesome progress!! I also finished one of the many books I started "Self Talk, Soul Talk" and it was pretty sweet!! I will begin "Bad Girls of the Bible and what we can learn from them" in the up coming weeks and possibly "Just give me Jesus" I woudl also like to pick up a kurt vonnegut book as well - my poor brain might explode and I will love it, in that awesome kind of way!

I'm just very excited about where life has taken me and what God has been teaching me. It has been so beautiful that I don't even think I could put words to it if I tried :)

How big is that solid rock?

On Christ this solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.
Today, I asked myself, just how big is this solid rock? And I got this feeling that it's not very big - not today.

Ya know when you are packing for a trip, or trying to arrange a room of furniture, and you look at all you have, and the space you assume that it won't fit? That there's not enough room - even when in reality, there's plenty of room? When you look at something through small lenses when they should be looked at with a magnifying glass?? I always think that there's not enough of something (especially food) or that there's not enough room for what I have. But usually, when all is said and done, there was plenty and often more than what was needed.

So, how often do I do that to God? I say that I want to trust Him, I present this huge plans and then when things begin to fall into place, I get nervous. Dear God - there can't be enough room - what was I thinking?? I know that you are my rock, but this rock is clearly not big enough for me to stand on. I'm going to fall into that sinking sand. I'll just save myself all the trials and just go into the sand right now, Lord, and we'll go from there.

Ugh, how wrong in my thoughts. God says, there's enough. God knows what's best. And there is ALWAYS room on the solid rock!! I think the question is, will we let there be room? God has me in His hands, probably more than I've let Him in a long time!! But when I let the waves of doubt, and frustration, and confusion in - the sinking sand will swallow up as much of MY solid rock as I let it!! God promised us a solid rock to stand on, to stand firm on - if we choose to. He did not promise that the sinking sand would go away.

But, the more that I can whole heatedly trust in Him, the larger my rock will be, the steadier it will be, the more room I will have to walk. THe more I give up and give to God, the stronger He will be in my life.

Jesus, please help me to let it go. There is nothing I can do to change the way work is panning out. Lord, remove these evil dreams at night from my mind. God, help me to trust that YOU are so TOTALLY there!! That I do not need to worry and doubt. Lord, may I rest in your hands and in your peace. Times are going ot be hard - Lord, be with the children, and help us all as we transition through this. Jesus, I want to cry but help me to find the joy and the peace that will come. Lord, you have created me, just as I am. May I rest in that, and lean on you. God, may you have the glory and may it be about you! Lord, please, help me to focus on you, your light, and your truth. In Jesus name! Amen!

memories and anger

The last few days have been flooded with memories, yet again, from past relationships. At first it made me angry, like, why can't I just let go of this, why are they continuing to remind me of all the mistakes I've made. Then in being angry at my memories I just got angry in general. I shut down, I didn't really want to talk to anyone, I wanted to just curl up and sleep - not because i was tired, but just because I didn't want to deal with people.
But ya know, it's funny what happens when we allow God to meet us where we are at. Even on days when prayer is too hard, when i can't find the words to say, I'm thankful for books. I picked up Self Talk, Soul Talk by Jennifer ROthschild and started to read today, about memories - go stinking figure. She talked about how our memories, though some of them may be painful, can bring us great joy. Memories of past hurts and trying times can remind us of how God carried us through them, and what we learned from them. While I'm not sure if that's why my memories surfaced this week, I know that I can transform them into that. I can pull out the positive, good things that came from all the broken relationships. And I can be remembered that God still protected me from pregnancies, diseases, drug addictions and much more. And through these relationship I've really been able to learn what I want and should expect out of a biblical relationship. I've experienced, first hand, what the warning signs are, and that will also allow me to share them with other people. But like so many other things in life, it's what ya make them.
Then as I was reading, I saw my bookmark - a piece of notebook paper that I had written some quotes on from the previous chapter. Things like this from Louis L'Amour "Anger is a killing thing. IT kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had before - it takes something from him". Or Marcus Aurelius "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger, than the causes of it". Or, this one, this one stings that she wrote "Ask God to help you embrace what you can't avoid, accept what you don't like and channel your passion into wise responses.
So, now here I sit, in my favorite coffee shop: having gone from not knowing how to pray to having more than I can fathom to pray about.

What is family?

I know the big question was always, who is my neighbor? But ya know, I've got that question down - really we're all neighbors. But really, what is family??
In recent months, this question has been bopping around my brain. It seems illogical to me, that just because i share DNA with someone that I should automatically love them and go the extra mile, just because we have a blood relation.
Traditionally, anyways, isn't family the people that you are supposed to be closest to? The ones that you turn to for advice, that help guide you on your journey, that you've developed a relationship with?? Like when families had to work together for survival, they needed to work together, and turn to each other - often for time of survival. They needed each other and out of that need, I believe, they developed strong ties to each other. Having that common ground to work towards provided a foundation for them to build upon.
So what about now? Family has lost it's sense of importance. I have a family based on my blood relations, but where's the emotional ties?? The common ground, for many has dissipated. Where do we turn to for our support? Where do parents send their children with their questions??
I can't help but look at my family, I love them, some of them I love dearly. Many of them I do not like what they do. Most of the time we don't communicate. We get together for family parties, and hug and put on these fake smiles, and then the backstabbing emotional turmoil comes out - and the beer just keeps coming. Both sets of my grandparents are incredibly knowledgeable, and I love listening to their stories and spending time with them. But, for most of my family, I would not turn to them for advice. I do not particularly value their opinions. However, they are my family- biologically anyways. Lately, though, it seems that my biological family are like connections, networks to maintain - in case something comes up in the future. Or, financial connections to help me out in times of need or want - but lately, I've struggled to view my biological family relationally, as people I deeply love and care for. I feel little emotional ties to them, sure if they die, I will be upset. Is that so wrong? It's not even like they've wronged me, it's just not there.
On the other hand, the people I turn to for advice I am not biologically related to. We share none of the same DNA yet they are the first ones that I call when a problem arises, they are the opinions and values that I trust. But ya know what's funny?? They are my family that I will be spending eternity with. They are the ones that I feel emotionally connected to, that I view relationally, that have been there, that I am connected to.
I'm not sure why this has been rocking my brain the last few days but it definitely has been. But I really think, the overall, people have lost as sense of family because they have lost a sense of value and of faith. But I don't know if anything will really bring that back until Jesus comes back.

heart aches

I woke up this morning with you on my mind
Its been so long since we spoke
my heart just sunk
I couldn't help but ask God, why?
Why are you now so far away from Him?
How can it be that those who brought me to my feet,
pulled me out of the sinking sand,
and got me in the right direction
have denounced Your name?
Years have passed
but today,
today I'm flooded with memories
I miss them
and my heart aches

Perfect Secrets

Last week I was reading in my Healing for Damaged Emotions book and the author brought up a saying from alcoholic anonymous "You're only as sick as your secrets". And some thoughts started to flow in my brain and I dismissed them, but as only God can make them do they continued throughout the week. It's interesting, my secrets are no longer actions -and I thought that I didn't have any secrets left but I was wrong.

My secrets are that I'm overly critical, judgmental and continually analyzing the people around me and the way they live their lives. And I'm arrogant. It's easy to have secret thought processes and not have anyone be the wise because they are my thought processes but as this idea has been brought to the forefront this week I have seen how my secrets are affecting the relationships around me.

So often I have found myself thinking "I know that I do bad things but atleast I don't -...." or "How can she call herself a Christian when she does X, Y and Z". Or I've sat their and analyzed the amount of work my coworkers get done and wondered why they can't get more done. But instead of asking them about their work habits or offering to help them, I seem to just look down on them and think of them as inferior to me. Hence the arrogance comes into play. Which I find odd because I think that in general I come across as humble. But in my head I am continually telling myself that my ideas are best, and that I can do it better, and that they don't know what they are talking about.

So now what?? It's so much harder to be accountable for my thoughts because they are in my head and they can stay in my head for as long as I would like them to. But it's not okay to continue those thought patterns. They are affecting my relationships with people and ultimately my relationship with God. How do I begin to surrender these types of thoughts??

Does it really matter??

So, the other day got me thinking about how easily we can get caught up on small matters in the Christian realm - at least I think it's a small matter. Halloween. One day out of the year. I felt some disappointment from people that I dressed up and took my children trick or treating, but I ask, does it really matter??

I totally understand that Halloween is full of some very intentional darkness but not all of halloween is that way. What if I dressed my children up and had a costume party next week? Would it be more acceptable?? I know that Halloween originated from people (scadanavians maybe) who thought it was necessary to wear masks to keep the evil spirits away between the spring and the fall season. But is that really why we celebrate it today?? I don't think that's why most people "celebrate" Halloween. Most people just enjoy dressing up and getting free candy. Not to mention that the celebration of Christmas also originated around a pagan holiday - it was a celebration to a sun God. So does that mean that Christians should not celebrate Christmas too?? After all, December 25th is not even the actual date of Jesus' birth - but that's a whole 'nother can of ugly worms.

For me, it comes down to a heart issue for each and every person. If you are worshiping the holiday or are so consumed by trick or treating that you have pushed God out, then you should not participate. In the same way that if you are so consumed in the quantity of gifts you give or receive at Christmas then maybe you need to reconsider how you celebrate that holiday. Saying that Christians should not celebrate Halloween, to me, is like saying that Christians should never watch R movies, or they should ONLY listen to Christian music.

I find it interesting that we, as humans, seem to place more restrictions on ourselves and our lives that what God intended. I think all that does matter is that we "Love God with all our heart and mind and soul, and love our neighbors". So, to me, if there's something in life that is affecting your ability to do that, then it should matter: but otherwise, it seems like people are just splitting hairs.

All that being said, I don't particularly care for Halloween. It's rather pointless and I think it's a child's holiday. But it was great to see my children's faces as they received candy!!