GOD you are GOOD and GRACIOUS, abounding with GRACE!
This weekend was amazing! Saturday was spent up on 130 acres of open land - working hard and enjoying the beautiful landscape, enjoying GOd's creation!! As I awoke on sunday morning, I wanted to keep this positive awesome feeling alive inside of me. I also knew that I needed to hear from God, that I needed to experience something new and something heart shattering on Sunday morning. As I drove to pick up Rob, I began to pray. I prayed that I would not be cranky if we were running late. I prayed that God would break through my heart, that I would find strength and hope from whatever message Scott was going to be delivering that morning. I prayed to be released from chains and bondage that had been holding me down. All twenty minutes I prayed, and that alone made me feel rejuvenated.
Now, I love Scott's preaching but this Sunday, I could have left after the first three songs and still have had an amazingly powerful morning. I was nearly brought to tears, as I could feel each set of lyrics piercing my heart, in a way that only musical worship can do. I felt small releases, small convictions, small changes occuring and lifting up from me. I wish I could remember the name of the first two songs that we sang, they were so powerful. And then came the true kicker - It is well with my soul - I think I was crying as I was singing. It hurt to sing such a powerful song, and to realize that as things have been going on around me - it has NOT been well with my soul. It was like listening to my heart cry, my heart long for that to be true of me, and it was like feel God press HIS hand down on me, reminding me that there is NO reason for it NOT to be well with my soul.
Scott's message offered hope and strength was well, as he talked about the day when heaven meets earth and the beautiful experience that it is all going to be!! The reminder that there is something sooo much greater to look forward to. That this life is for us to help bring justice and healing and love to those around us - and that will never ever be a painless experience, but when we are doing things in Jesus' name that He will provide all we need and strengthen us to complete and overcome what needs completing and overcoming.
So - practically, what did this mean for me? How did this help me with all the questions and doubts that I have been having.
Well, it did remind me how much i have let satan have control in areas where he should not even be. It reminded me that my morning reading/devotionals have not been happening like they should and realizing how much better life is when I put God first!! I realized that the job I have is indeed helping to restore justice and healing and love to children who need it, even if i am not living with them. I realized that though I do miss my boys terribly, that I am just not supposed to be living there right now - I don't know why - I just received a peace that I am not supposed to be there. I know that I am still supposed to be with Rob and that we still have many things to sort out and grow in but thnx be to God that we have people who have surrounded us in love and in prayer and are helping us as we go!
In having my Monday - Friday job I have been able to connect with my dad by going to the farm. I have been able to invite my parents to church with me and they actually went, both of them, on easter sunday!! I have been allowed to be outside of the mooseheart bubble, and actually be me and have fun!!
I realized later on sunday that I thrive on being in positions of what some may call control. I think back on when I was large group coordinator for InterVaristy and how alive it made me feel and how well I did at the position. I think about all the work I did at UBC in macomb, and though at times it was frustrating, it really drove me. I am not sure how God is going to use that skill in my life at the present time, but I look forward to the day when I have something like that again.
GOD is GROWING me and I will GLADLY follow as I know that He is GRACIOUS and GRACE filled :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Things that start with S
Some words that come to mind are stupid, spit, shit, shower, stunned, and satan. So let's make a sentence using all these words. I would like to SHOWER SATAN wtih SPIT because SATAN has STUNNED me and i am SURROUNDED by STUPID SHIT. Now that that is out of the way.....
I'm tired of saying and thinking that nothing makes sense. It has been so long since I have felt numb and confused for such a length of time. My fabulous new work schedule is not working out as wonderfully as I had planned though, I do get to go to church every sunday which has been such an amazing blessing that words cannot even begin to describe.
Everytime I have thought or looked into going toschool, it doesn't feel right, and I feel like I am looking into a dead end.
Work has turned into my co-workers complaining to me about other people and I can't wrap my brain around their logic for what they do or say half the time.
Things with Rob are touch and go - mostly because of the spiritual battle which has ensued in both our lives. Rob has things that he still needs to sort through and I need to be able to let him do that at his own pace.
I found out last night that the couple who moved into Tennessee, which would have moved me out anyway, is going to be leaving at the end of the month. Tennessee home is just not what they anticipated cuz of the boys' behaviors. I have headed angie's advice to pray (almost daily) for those boys and acknowledge that they are not actually mine and turn them over,daily to God - to help ease the pain of my frustration and the pain of "losing" them in my life. To realize that it could not be my responsibility to "fix" things that went on in that house. But I also have never felt a love so real and so strong, as the love that I felt for those boys. For boys that weren't even mine or related. I am having a harder time feeling that love with my little people and they are little people who are much less rational and logical.
The main reason that I left TN to begin with was to have the oppertunity to grow closer to God, and I have not exactly followed thru on that - yes I have gone to church more but I can't say that I feel closer or that I have a deeper understanding. Is it possible that I'm really attached to the boys?? yes, I think- wait i KNOW - I am. I don't want to go back to be the drill sargent and be the one that whips them back into shape b/c I think I am the only one that can. But, I do want to show them unconditional love and with that does come the discipline - and the fun trips to go places - and the random conversations about the sky being cloudy and it being put in timeout all day.
But is that really what I should do? Where will I find this clarity? How do I block out the confusion and the darkness long enough to hear God's still and quiet voice? I prayed and cried last night, until I feel asleep and I finally felt some pressure lifted from my heart. But I can still feel soo much more.
I need SILENCE to hear what I am SUPPOSED to do in the STICKY SITUATION without losing SANITY.
I'm tired of saying and thinking that nothing makes sense. It has been so long since I have felt numb and confused for such a length of time. My fabulous new work schedule is not working out as wonderfully as I had planned though, I do get to go to church every sunday which has been such an amazing blessing that words cannot even begin to describe.
Everytime I have thought or looked into going toschool, it doesn't feel right, and I feel like I am looking into a dead end.
Work has turned into my co-workers complaining to me about other people and I can't wrap my brain around their logic for what they do or say half the time.
Things with Rob are touch and go - mostly because of the spiritual battle which has ensued in both our lives. Rob has things that he still needs to sort through and I need to be able to let him do that at his own pace.
I found out last night that the couple who moved into Tennessee, which would have moved me out anyway, is going to be leaving at the end of the month. Tennessee home is just not what they anticipated cuz of the boys' behaviors. I have headed angie's advice to pray (almost daily) for those boys and acknowledge that they are not actually mine and turn them over,daily to God - to help ease the pain of my frustration and the pain of "losing" them in my life. To realize that it could not be my responsibility to "fix" things that went on in that house. But I also have never felt a love so real and so strong, as the love that I felt for those boys. For boys that weren't even mine or related. I am having a harder time feeling that love with my little people and they are little people who are much less rational and logical.
The main reason that I left TN to begin with was to have the oppertunity to grow closer to God, and I have not exactly followed thru on that - yes I have gone to church more but I can't say that I feel closer or that I have a deeper understanding. Is it possible that I'm really attached to the boys?? yes, I think- wait i KNOW - I am. I don't want to go back to be the drill sargent and be the one that whips them back into shape b/c I think I am the only one that can. But, I do want to show them unconditional love and with that does come the discipline - and the fun trips to go places - and the random conversations about the sky being cloudy and it being put in timeout all day.
But is that really what I should do? Where will I find this clarity? How do I block out the confusion and the darkness long enough to hear God's still and quiet voice? I prayed and cried last night, until I feel asleep and I finally felt some pressure lifted from my heart. But I can still feel soo much more.
I need SILENCE to hear what I am SUPPOSED to do in the STICKY SITUATION without losing SANITY.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)