An excerpt from the book I'm going thru
Nothing you do will cause God to love you more or less. God desires that your life is good, full and satisfying. But you can choose and empty, dry life. If you choose to walk away from God, He won't force you to stay. He will allow your decisions to have their full effect.
If you choose not to forgive, you will eventually become bitter
If you choose to continually pursue money, your life will be empty of meaning.
If you choose to use others, you will experience loneliness.
If you choose to walk away from God, you will live a life full of insecurity.
Most of us don't feel worthy to approach God, and we're not. The good thing is that God doesn't look for a perfect person, He looks for a humble heart.
*Fearless*
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
God just knew
It’s the small things. God knew what I needed.
Three ladies around a table. A conservative biology germ-aphobe. An engaged mathmetician. A double major “mom” to 7. What in the world could we possibly have in common? But they share 12 years of friendship that bears no end.
The last few weeks have been rough at work. Despite being surrounded by 7 kids all the time and I work with 2 other adults - sometimes, I still feel alone. The long nights at work, the early mornings to give medicines and the paperwork inbetween makes it hard to breathe let alone spend time with God. I try, I try so stinking hard but some days it just feels impossible.
I was going to go spend the night at a guy's house on my days off. I knew that if I went, we would watch some movies, we could cuddle and I could feel affection but i also knew what it would most likely led to. I was excited at the thrill but I was also disgusted that I had this craving for attention cuz this is a circle I keep traveling in. My friend worked til 6pm and I was thinking about takin' the drive out there nonetheless.
I was trying to nap and my phone rang, it was Kristi - reminding me that we had a lunch date - me, kristi & staci. We went to a nice lil tavern and just sat and talked. Then we went and had coffee & dessert at this nice lil coffee shop. We had the most awesome conversations. We were able to talk about God, and Staci's wedding coming up, and the family and the struggles we face. We started to share our dreams and what we want to do in life. I felt so revealed and energized. Beneath the surface we are 3 women who are passionate about life and who want to make a difference in the world and that long to be committed to God (even if I struggle a lot).
We were talking about relationships and I mentioned going b/w wanting to be married right now and not wanting a man to get in the way of my life. Staci wonderfully reminded me of what I secretly knew but didn't want to admit - that the right guy is the one who won't interfere with my dreams. I swear those were the most comforting words I've heard.
Then we decided to watch August Rush together - an amazing stinkin' movie.
All that to say, that God knew exactly what I needed today. My female friends are far and few between. My Christian friends are far and few between. God knew that I needed the reminder, that I needed to feel special today.
I love those two - we have such a special friendship. All the way back to 7th grade when we met because Kristi thought my name was Dennis. We hardly ever hung out with the same people, we were never in the same activities, or into the same sports. We have gone months without talking just cuz life got crazy BUT I know, without a doubt that they will always be there. And I think they know that I am always there for them - the best that I can be. I have learned so much from them and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
It's always nice to feel God's awesomeness, even in the small ways!!
Three ladies around a table. A conservative biology germ-aphobe. An engaged mathmetician. A double major “mom” to 7. What in the world could we possibly have in common? But they share 12 years of friendship that bears no end.
The last few weeks have been rough at work. Despite being surrounded by 7 kids all the time and I work with 2 other adults - sometimes, I still feel alone. The long nights at work, the early mornings to give medicines and the paperwork inbetween makes it hard to breathe let alone spend time with God. I try, I try so stinking hard but some days it just feels impossible.
I was going to go spend the night at a guy's house on my days off. I knew that if I went, we would watch some movies, we could cuddle and I could feel affection but i also knew what it would most likely led to. I was excited at the thrill but I was also disgusted that I had this craving for attention cuz this is a circle I keep traveling in. My friend worked til 6pm and I was thinking about takin' the drive out there nonetheless.
I was trying to nap and my phone rang, it was Kristi - reminding me that we had a lunch date - me, kristi & staci. We went to a nice lil tavern and just sat and talked. Then we went and had coffee & dessert at this nice lil coffee shop. We had the most awesome conversations. We were able to talk about God, and Staci's wedding coming up, and the family and the struggles we face. We started to share our dreams and what we want to do in life. I felt so revealed and energized. Beneath the surface we are 3 women who are passionate about life and who want to make a difference in the world and that long to be committed to God (even if I struggle a lot).
We were talking about relationships and I mentioned going b/w wanting to be married right now and not wanting a man to get in the way of my life. Staci wonderfully reminded me of what I secretly knew but didn't want to admit - that the right guy is the one who won't interfere with my dreams. I swear those were the most comforting words I've heard.
Then we decided to watch August Rush together - an amazing stinkin' movie.
All that to say, that God knew exactly what I needed today. My female friends are far and few between. My Christian friends are far and few between. God knew that I needed the reminder, that I needed to feel special today.
I love those two - we have such a special friendship. All the way back to 7th grade when we met because Kristi thought my name was Dennis. We hardly ever hung out with the same people, we were never in the same activities, or into the same sports. We have gone months without talking just cuz life got crazy BUT I know, without a doubt that they will always be there. And I think they know that I am always there for them - the best that I can be. I have learned so much from them and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
It's always nice to feel God's awesomeness, even in the small ways!!
captivating reflections
So my friend and I have been going thru the book Captivating. I was planning on writing about it as I read the chapters, but I feel like I've barely had time to sleep, let alone blog what I've been reading. The book I've been reading (Captivating) has been eye opening. The last 2 chapters I read talked about the wounds that women have. The author says that all women have wounds and that we learn about femininity from our parents - how they treat each other and how they treat us.
So I took a few moments to think about What are my wounds? How do I hide my femininity?
I learned that my mom held down the fort while dad made the money. That Dad loved us and mom. We all liked to play together and did so on weekends. I thought my sister was more loved but I wasn’t abandoned. It hurt that Dad wasn’t around BUT I’m pretty sure I always understood. We got to talk to him while he was at work
Even in high school Dad was around for all my events or atleast a lot of them. But then I was gone – working/volunteering and beginning to make my mark in the world. My mom was the authority figure and so we argued a lot. She worked and made dinner and the rules, but dad usually backed her. My Dad’s emotional absence may be a wound but he made it obvious that he cared for us. I guess my wounds stem from my dad not physically being present and maybe not having him to talk to as often as I’d like. And since I always argued with my mom, I felt/feel like I needed to turn to men. And my Dad’s over protectiveness has made me feel incapable/inferior and resulted in rebellion.
Somehow, I felt this overwhelming sensation that I needed to be a “man” in the house and hide my emotions.
But then I began to wonder: Can it really be that simple? Does it really matter?
What needs to happen now??
So I took a few moments to think about What are my wounds? How do I hide my femininity?
I learned that my mom held down the fort while dad made the money. That Dad loved us and mom. We all liked to play together and did so on weekends. I thought my sister was more loved but I wasn’t abandoned. It hurt that Dad wasn’t around BUT I’m pretty sure I always understood. We got to talk to him while he was at work
Even in high school Dad was around for all my events or atleast a lot of them. But then I was gone – working/volunteering and beginning to make my mark in the world. My mom was the authority figure and so we argued a lot. She worked and made dinner and the rules, but dad usually backed her. My Dad’s emotional absence may be a wound but he made it obvious that he cared for us. I guess my wounds stem from my dad not physically being present and maybe not having him to talk to as often as I’d like. And since I always argued with my mom, I felt/feel like I needed to turn to men. And my Dad’s over protectiveness has made me feel incapable/inferior and resulted in rebellion.
Somehow, I felt this overwhelming sensation that I needed to be a “man” in the house and hide my emotions.
But then I began to wonder: Can it really be that simple? Does it really matter?
What needs to happen now??
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
My twisted brain - if only there had been an adam &steve
SO, I've been visiting a dear friend of mine for a couple days. Last night he brought me to meet some of his gay friends, they get together one day a week and just hang out and talk and sometimes go out to the gar bar afterwards. It was, a very interesting experience. It was me and 8 gay guys. 5 of the 8 had been married - the shortest was 2 years and the longest was like 15 years, now they are all divorced, of those 5 I think that 4 of them had children. 1 of them was a retired southern baptist minister, 1 was a resigned deacon, 1 was/is a priest, and I think there was one more "religious" person in there. 6 of them were raised in the church. 3 of them still go to bible studies.
For having just met these men, they were all very nice and made me feel welcome (even though i was a girl joining in on a guy's gay group.) They talked about coming out to their parents, family and friends. About the difficulties and the strain that it caused. They talked about how even though they dated girls it was more because that's what they were supposed to do. THere was even some conversation about being condemned from family/friends and the church. ANd how a few of them had lost their jobs because of sexual orientation. Then the conversation turned to complaining about ex-wives lol!
But, as I was sitting there listening to everything they were saying, and soaking it all in - I was just in shock. One of them made the joke, about getting in to heaven, he said "ya, ya know there'll be a sign at the front gate that says homos use rear entrance" And we all laughed but then my brain just started to go.
Why is it wrong? For some reason the "because God said so" isn't really enough right now. I know that God created Adam and Even but not Adam and Steve - and that when two men (or women) get together they can't reproduce offspring in a natural way. But was has made the homosexual population get pushed even further away - more than a prostitute, or an alcoholic, or anything like that?
It just doesn't make sense to me - and there will be a block until it does. Especially because they gay friend that i have has been one of th ebest friends I could ever have - and he displays more attributes of Christ naturally, more than many Christians i have met. It's kind of frustrating and it really twists my brain around.
For having just met these men, they were all very nice and made me feel welcome (even though i was a girl joining in on a guy's gay group.) They talked about coming out to their parents, family and friends. About the difficulties and the strain that it caused. They talked about how even though they dated girls it was more because that's what they were supposed to do. THere was even some conversation about being condemned from family/friends and the church. ANd how a few of them had lost their jobs because of sexual orientation. Then the conversation turned to complaining about ex-wives lol!
But, as I was sitting there listening to everything they were saying, and soaking it all in - I was just in shock. One of them made the joke, about getting in to heaven, he said "ya, ya know there'll be a sign at the front gate that says homos use rear entrance" And we all laughed but then my brain just started to go.
Why is it wrong? For some reason the "because God said so" isn't really enough right now. I know that God created Adam and Even but not Adam and Steve - and that when two men (or women) get together they can't reproduce offspring in a natural way. But was has made the homosexual population get pushed even further away - more than a prostitute, or an alcoholic, or anything like that?
It just doesn't make sense to me - and there will be a block until it does. Especially because they gay friend that i have has been one of th ebest friends I could ever have - and he displays more attributes of Christ naturally, more than many Christians i have met. It's kind of frustrating and it really twists my brain around.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Captivating - 1
I’ve begun to read thru a book called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul that was written by John & Stasi Eldredge. So if you’ve known me more than like 2 weeks, you prolly just laughed that I would be reading such a book. I started to read it in Cali and then put it down, and have picked it back up again to read thru it with someone. As I read books like this I find myself flooded with questions. My brain goes a million miles a minute and I realize that I haven’t studied long enough to search out answers. So, as I read thru each chapter, I will summarize and pose questions about the unveiling of the mystery of a Woman’s soul. I hope, that those of you who will read this blog will join in my racing thoughts and provide input and knowledge as you can
Chapter 1: The Heart of a Woman
The focus of the entire books centers around this “God created you as a women ‘God created man in his own image…male and female he created them’ (gen 1:27) Whatever it means to bear God’s image, you do so as a woman. Female. That’s how and where you bear his image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities – as a reflection of God’s own heart. You are a women to your soul, to the very core of your being And so the journey to discover what God meant when he created women in his image – when he created you as his woman – that journey begins with your heart. Another way of saying this is that the journey begins with desire…..We think you’ll find that every women in her heart longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty. That is what makes women come alive”
I think I agree – women want to be romanced, be irreplaceable and to unveil beauty (not necessarily an societal outward beauty but a Godly beautiful). Stasi goes on to say that a women is a uniquely feminine warrior. That we will not fight the same way that men fight, and I get that but something about being a feminine warrior still sounds week to me; even though it is not intended to. Stasi mentions women like Esther, Mary & Ruth. As Stasi talks about beauty I cringe a little. I know she does not purposefully focus on the external beauty but it appears to be that way. Yes, it’s nice to look nice, to get dressed up and go somewhere BUT each women’s definition of nice is different. Not every women likes flowing dresses with sparkles, sometimes just a nice pair of dress pants or hell, a good pair of jeans can make ya feel like a million bucks. Maybe it’s a culture/generation difference but the thought of putting on make up and lip stick to look nice makes me want to vomit a lil on the inside. Then again, maybe it’s just a me thing.
The first chapter closes by presenting an overview of the desire of a man’s heart (which is was their other book is about –Wild At heart). The three core desires of a man’s heart are: to have a battle to fight, a desire for adventure, and to have a beauty to rescue.
Do you agree or does that all seem too simplistic?
Chapter 1: The Heart of a Woman
The focus of the entire books centers around this “God created you as a women ‘God created man in his own image…male and female he created them’ (gen 1:27) Whatever it means to bear God’s image, you do so as a woman. Female. That’s how and where you bear his image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities – as a reflection of God’s own heart. You are a women to your soul, to the very core of your being And so the journey to discover what God meant when he created women in his image – when he created you as his woman – that journey begins with your heart. Another way of saying this is that the journey begins with desire…..We think you’ll find that every women in her heart longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty. That is what makes women come alive”
I think I agree – women want to be romanced, be irreplaceable and to unveil beauty (not necessarily an societal outward beauty but a Godly beautiful). Stasi goes on to say that a women is a uniquely feminine warrior. That we will not fight the same way that men fight, and I get that but something about being a feminine warrior still sounds week to me; even though it is not intended to. Stasi mentions women like Esther, Mary & Ruth. As Stasi talks about beauty I cringe a little. I know she does not purposefully focus on the external beauty but it appears to be that way. Yes, it’s nice to look nice, to get dressed up and go somewhere BUT each women’s definition of nice is different. Not every women likes flowing dresses with sparkles, sometimes just a nice pair of dress pants or hell, a good pair of jeans can make ya feel like a million bucks. Maybe it’s a culture/generation difference but the thought of putting on make up and lip stick to look nice makes me want to vomit a lil on the inside. Then again, maybe it’s just a me thing.
The first chapter closes by presenting an overview of the desire of a man’s heart (which is was their other book is about –Wild At heart). The three core desires of a man’s heart are: to have a battle to fight, a desire for adventure, and to have a beauty to rescue.
Do you agree or does that all seem too simplistic?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
A better place
Today and yesterday were my days off, and I spent a good deal of them sleeping. I keep telling myself that I'm going to do all these things, clean and organize and read - but it just doesn't seem to happen. But last night, I finally just opened up my itunes and listened to some of the sermons that have been downloading. I began to listen to a series called "pause" from Mossaic (in california). And what sticks out to me was listening to a pastor saying "you get to decide how you tell the story". He had been talking about being surprised with a sky diving trip, and he was nervous. But he realized that he got to decide how he told the story. Either he wouldn't do it, and people would sympathize with him, or he could do, be brave, and see if others would take the same risk. He ended up sky diving. He related this to the life we live - that with opportunity that arises, we get to chose how we rise to the occasion and then get to tell the story. When it comes to faith, and trials - how are we going to tell the story? How many times do I just give in because at the time it's easier - but what type of story does that make? Looking back, I don't think anyone really enjoys telling those stories - well there was this time that Satan tempted me, and I gave in. Every time we retell the story, that weakness sets in again. BUT how much strong we feel when we can say that Satan tempted us, and we fought. Then you become an encouragement to others, and it makes each battle better.
Another series was one that Church of the Beach Cities did around Christmas about forgiveness. Pastor Ken talked about how holding grudges and non-forgiveness against people only brews bitterness but learning to let go and forgive creates betterness. And he reminded me that if we are not able to forgive others, how is God supposed to forgive us? Then pastor Jimmy talked about forgetting. I often find myself dwelling in mistakes of the past and the times that I have really screwed up. Listening to Jimmy speak reminded me that we can't change the past. Remembering my pre-marital relations with guys doesn't make them go away, I can't undo the mistakes that I have already made - so what's the point? The more I remember them, the more I get sucked into them and the harder it is to move forward. Jimmy also reminded me that God has already forgotten it.
The last few months have been rocky, and strange and often ridiculous. Today, is the first time since the beginning of January that I feel myself heading towards a better place, towards the place I want to be. I know that it will not be easy. I know that I have many obstacles to overcome but I'm beginning to remember that I have fought this all before. My heart is softening and it's beginning to take in the knowledge that my head already has.
Another series was one that Church of the Beach Cities did around Christmas about forgiveness. Pastor Ken talked about how holding grudges and non-forgiveness against people only brews bitterness but learning to let go and forgive creates betterness. And he reminded me that if we are not able to forgive others, how is God supposed to forgive us? Then pastor Jimmy talked about forgetting. I often find myself dwelling in mistakes of the past and the times that I have really screwed up. Listening to Jimmy speak reminded me that we can't change the past. Remembering my pre-marital relations with guys doesn't make them go away, I can't undo the mistakes that I have already made - so what's the point? The more I remember them, the more I get sucked into them and the harder it is to move forward. Jimmy also reminded me that God has already forgotten it.
The last few months have been rocky, and strange and often ridiculous. Today, is the first time since the beginning of January that I feel myself heading towards a better place, towards the place I want to be. I know that it will not be easy. I know that I have many obstacles to overcome but I'm beginning to remember that I have fought this all before. My heart is softening and it's beginning to take in the knowledge that my head already has.
Friday, February 20, 2009
stuck
I'm stuck. Just like pooh bear in the tree when he was trying to get the honey.
Occasionally something inside of me stirs and I can feel that something is missing but I'm mostly stuck.
I work 14 hours a day, I'm so exhausted on my days off all I want to think about is sleep.
I can make a million and four excuses and reason myself out of anything.
I don't get to go to a church on Sunday and fellowship.
The men that are around me don't seem to hold the same morals that I do. Nor do the women.
I know I don't want to be in this place forever but I don't know how to find the energy to change.
I'm usually happy - I love my job - but I'm tired.
I don't want to stay stuck
I want to hear or learn something new
Occasionally something inside of me stirs and I can feel that something is missing but I'm mostly stuck.
I work 14 hours a day, I'm so exhausted on my days off all I want to think about is sleep.
I can make a million and four excuses and reason myself out of anything.
I don't get to go to a church on Sunday and fellowship.
The men that are around me don't seem to hold the same morals that I do. Nor do the women.
I know I don't want to be in this place forever but I don't know how to find the energy to change.
I'm usually happy - I love my job - but I'm tired.
I don't want to stay stuck
I want to hear or learn something new
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