There's not a Reason

Over the last month, since my Grandma passed away, I have been thinking about this phrase "everything happens for a reason". The longer that I have pondered the phrase, the more and more I believe it's a lie. Not just any lie, but a lie that satan feeds us to hide his schemes, that turns us towards apathy, and a lie to make God look bad.

To say that everything happens for a reason is to say that God says "it's okay for this to happen because I have a reason for this". In such a conclusion that means God is saying there was a reason you were raped. You were beat for a reason. You were addicted to cocaine for a reason. You lost your entire family for a reason. That child was abused for a reason. Which is to say that God is 'ok' with these events happening, that He allows these events to happen, and that He has no desire to change these events. Now, I'm not sure which Bible you've read BUT that ALL GOES AGAINST the character of God. From beginning to cover, God is a God who cares for, shows compassion on, protects and wants what's the best for HIS children. 

So, even if God is supreme ruler, why do these things happen?? Because right now, Satan holds the keys to earth and he is continually on the prowl to cause choas, death, destruction and lies. And people believe him, fall into his traps and are sometimes satan's hands & feet to carry out the torment. Why? Because they don't know who God is, they don' tknow who Jesus is. And if they don't know (or they have known and rejected Him), how are they to call on His name and invite Him into their lives/situations? See the beautiful and frustrating thing with God is that it's not in His character to barge in. He is a gentleman. He will give you the choice when things are going well, when the boat is sinking, when your life is upside, or when things are status quo...He ALWAYS gives the choice. By having given us free will, the risk was run that some people won't love Him and won't turn to Him (but when they do it is genuine, not forced).

 Even with that free will, that doesn't mean that God EVER wanted pain (of any kind) to come into our lives. In the garden, God gave them everything and that's what He still wants to do for us today. But when people reject Him and don't turn to Him, He can't control them. Because of the wickedness in the world, and the people who don't trust Him, bad things happen. People are raped, abused, neglected, poor, hurting, apathetic, etc, etc, etc. BUT it didn't happen for a reason (unless that reason is that satan is a butt and enjoys destroying lives). BUt NONE of it happened because God wanted it to.

 However, even when rough times and painful times come into out lives, God can purpose them and use them for good. He can use the crap that satan throws at us to make us stronger and better and more meaningful BUT that is not the REASON that ALL bad things happen. I'm not saying that there aren't trials from GOd (because there are) BUT nothing that comes to kill, steal and destroy is from GOd in ANY capacity b/c it goes against his character. Nor is any disease or circumstance that comes about from out poor choices from God either. If you decide to have unprotected sex and you get an STD, that's not God's fault. That's your fault. God can heal you, God can use those experiences and give them purpose but God did not CAUSE them. THe same with drinking, eating, shopping, money, business, etc.

 All that to say that everything DOES NOT happen for a reason. Some things were NOT meant to happen. And that is NOT just the way it should be. Stand up to lie. Don't let satan have any more ground than he already does.

Worship Snippets

At my church we started reading a book together and I just wanted to share some of the snippets that resonnated well with me. All are from "what on earth am I here for" by Rick Warren .....side note - I was super heasitant to read the book but I have been able to look past that and pull out some great nuggets of truth - end of side note. Oh ya, and sorry if it's a pinch long BUT it is a week's worth of reading.

- Worship is far more than music. For many people, worship is just a synonym for music. They say 'At our church we have the worship first, and then the teaching.' This is a big misunderstanding. EVERY party of a church service is an act of worship: praying, Scripture reading, singing, confession, silence, being still, listening to a sermon, taking notes, giving an offering, baptism, communion, singing a commitmentt card, and even greeting other worshipers.

- Worship has nothing to do with the style or volume or speed of a song. God loves all kinds of music because he inveted it all - fast and slow, loud and sofr, old and new. You probably don't like it all, but God does! If it is offered to God in sprirt and truth, it is an acr of worship....there is no biblical style! ....Frankly, the music style you likse best says more abour you- your background and personality- than it does about God. ...THere is no such thing as 'Christian' music; there are only Christian lyrics. It is the words that make a song sacred not the tune.

  - Worship is NOT for your benefit - In Isaiah 29 God complains about worship that is half hearted and hypocritical. THe people were offering GOd stale prayers, insincere praise, empty words, and man-made rituals without even thinking baout the meaning. God's heart is not touched by tradition in worship, but in passion and commitment.

-Trusting GOd completely: Notice that Noah obeyed completely (no instruction was overlooked), and he obeyed exactly (in the way and time GOd wanted it done). That is wholeheartedness....Paraphrase: THere were 3 things that could have kept Noah from obeying. 1- He had never seen rain b/c God irrigated the earth from the ground up. 2. Noah lived 100's of miles from the nearest ocean. 3. Rounding up AND caring for the animals. But Noah did not let ANY of those stand in his way for the next 120 YEARS

- Delayed obedience is really disobedience.

-You don't bring glory or pleasure to God by Hiding your abilities or by trying to be someone else. You only bring him enjoyment by being you. Anytime you reject any part of yourself, you are rejecting God's wisdom and sovereignty in creating you.

-Trust is an essential ingredient to surrender. You won't surrender to God unless you trust him, but you can't trust him until you know him better. Fear keeps us from surrendering, but love casts out all fear. THe more you realize howmuch God loves you, the easier surrender becomes.

  -That desire- to have complete control - is the cause of so much stress in our lives.

- A.W.Tozar said 'The reeson why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give our orders, and interfering with God's work within us.'

-It is when we try to be God that we end up most like Satan, who desired the same thing. *ouch*

-C.S. Lewis observed, 'The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because he made us. He invented all the different people tha tyou and I were inteded to be...It is when I turn to Christ, when i give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.

- You also know you're surrendered when you don't react to criticism and rush to defend yourself. Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. you don't edge others out, you don't demand your rights, and you aren't self-serving when you're surrendered.

- The problem with a living sacrifice is tha tit can crawl off the altar....so you may have to resurrender your life fifty times a day. You must make it a daily habit.

- Jesus said, 'I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.' The word friend in this verse does not mean a casual acwuaintance but a close, trusted personal relationship. The same word is used to refer to the best man at a wedding and a king's inner circle of intimate, trusted friends. In royal courts, servants must keep their distance from the king, but the inner circle of trusted friends enjoyed close contact, direct access, and confidential information.

-Today we often feel we must 'get away' from our daily routine in order to worship God, but that is only because we haven't learned to practice his presence all the time. THe key to friendship with GOd, Brother Lawerence said, is not changing what you do, but changing your attitude toward what you do. What you normally do for yourself you begin doing for God, whether it is eating, bathing, working, relaxing or taking out the trash.

- Sometimes you will sense God's presence; other times you won'. If you are seeking an experience of his presence through all of this, you have missed the point. We don't praise God to feel good, but to do good. You goal is not a feeling, but a continual awaremess of the reality that God is always presnt. That is the lifestyle of worship

-When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that's called worry. When you think about God's word over and over in your mind, that's meditation. If you know how to worry, you already know how to meditate!

- Thirty years of pleasing God were summed up in two words: Lived obediently (Luke 2:51)

-Where you worship is not as important as why you worship and how much of yourself you offer to God when you worship.

- Real worship costs. David knew this and said: 'I will not offer to the lord my God sacrifices that have cost me nothing.

- When you praise God even when you don't feel like it, when you get out of bed to worship when you're tired, or when you helo others when you are worn out, you are offering a sacrigice of worship to God. That pleases God.

- We grieve God's Spirit and quench our fellowship with him by disobedience, conflict with others, busyness, friendship with the world and other sins.

- NEVER DOUBT IN THE DARK WHAT GOD TOLD YOU IN THE LIGHT - V. Raymond Edman

Been back for a year....dang...

Most days I can hardly believe that it has been (now over) a full year since I have been back in the states from my year long journey around the world. Some days it seems like I came back years ago while others it seems like just yesterday I returned. It’s ridiculous how the summary of this last year is so different from the previous- also weird that my years run from November to November :) And because I know that someone wants to see the summary, here it is (in no particular order) - I spent a few days in Cali and ran into an old friend from when I had previously lived there….also met a kind of strange man in the hotel lobby when I couldn’t sleep that first day - Went with my awesome friend Joe to a String Cheese Incident show for THREE days at the Aargon ballroom!! It was freakin’ awesome and I never thought it was possible to like smoke out a room – but they did. Unfortunately I also learned what it looks when bad things happen with people on drugs. I’m also certain that I had way more fun than any of the people on drugs! - My SISTER got married  It was such a joy to be able to be a part of the wedding. Since they pushed it to April, I also got to be a part of the shower and bachelorette party. Oh, and go to a drag show in the city. - I went to two other weddings as well: a cousin and a friend - I had two funerals: a great aunt who had been sick for some time and one of my boys from Mooseheart :( (some things you can never be prepared for) - Had a chance to pray for healing for my Grandma, who was in the hospital for a long time after a simple procedure went wrong. Praise God she is doing soo much better; that was a hard month to see her like that - Started working……at Walgreens – I mean really, the same place I worked ALL of high school and MOST of college lol – but hey, it pays the student loan bills. Not only did I start working there BUT they also promoted me. - I got to get involved with an amazing ministry called Teen Nite in Aurora (IL) where they provide a safe place for teens to hang out and learn about Jesus on Friday nights, to prevent them from hanging out on the streets - I made some amazing new friends. - I have a PHENOMENAL church (and homegroup) at Vineyard Aurora - Worked at Riverwoods summer camp, working with “at risk” teens from aurora & Elgin. The camp was an overnight camp Sunday night – Friday afternoon with the same teens each week, for 7 weeks. I learned so much from my girls (most about how out of touch I am with society) and had a blast EVERY day with them through it all. - Rekindled a relationship. Ended a relationship. Started a relationship. Ended a relationship – blamed for suicide attempts/visits to psych ward/etc/etc/etc. Re-Re kindled a relationship, one that is rooted in Jesus, mutual respect, honor, similar goals/passions, and Jesus……ya I think I got this one right finally. - God continued to show me bits and pieces of a desire He began to grow inside me in Africa about reaching out for the youth of Aurora. I have learned so stinking much about waiting- on His timing- about being honest, about trusting, about being joyful, about giving my burdens to God, about my passions, about my gifts (well still working on that), about what’s important to me, about leaving a legacy, about how awesome girl friends can be, about being myself, about prayer, about identity, and ya.

What God has joined together

In my homegroup we have been reading a book called "Lies Women Believe: And the Truth That Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. This week's chapter was about marriage, and well, I just wanted to share the truths that she put in the book about marriage. Some of the things she wrote I hadn't really thought of before. - There is no marriage God cannot heal. There is no person God cannot change. - The primary purpose of marriage is not to be happy, buy to glorify God and reflect His redeeming, covenant love. - God uses the rough edges of each partner in a marriage to conform the other to the image of Christ. Your mate's weaknesses can become a tool in God's hand to make you into the woman He created you to be. - True love- God's love- is unconditional and never fails. We cannot love another human being perfectly on our own. But God can love anyone through us, if we are willing to let Him. Love is not a feeling; it is a commitment to act in the best interests of another. By God's grace, we can choose to love anyone, even if we do not have warm feelings toward that person. - Marriage is a covenant. God is a covenant-keeping God. He kept His promises to the nation of Israel, even when they were spiritually adulterous and pursued other lovers (see Jeremiah 11:10, Ex 20:16, Hosea 2:13). The Lord Jesus keeps His promises to His bride-the Church- even when we are unfaithful to Him. Because He is faithful to keep His promises, it is never right for us to break the marriage covenant that was intended to be a picture of the redemptive relationship between God and His people. - God has commanded us to forgive without limit. - Your faithfulness and willingness to extend sacrificial love to your mate may be the means of his spiritual healing, even as Christ's suffering was the means by which we were healed (1 Peter 2:24-25; 1 Corinthians 7:12-14) - You don't solve your problems by putting another pair of shoes under the bed. (Statistically, second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages). - God's grace is sufficient to enable you to be faithful to your mate and to love and forgive without limit. - God will never forsake you. Regardless of what you must endure, He will be there to carry you through. - The rewards of faithfulness in this life may not be fully experienced until eternity. But faithfulness will be rewarded and it will be worth the wait! *I will make the disclaimer for her that she does speak of the importance of women being removed from abusive and volatile situations* Feel free to share any thoughts you may have :-)

Ohh that 5 letter word

These last few weeks have been, well interesting. I feel like I've had a lot of time to think yet no time to myself. I feel like I have a method of handling situations and then struggle to implement them. I feel like I'm trying new things but can't get it to stick. And most days I'm actually happy and content, but not in that complacent kind of way. Then this morning, as I was getting ready to start my day this wave hit me; this underlying crap that I've buried down. Things that I thought I was past, but then I looked at my bank account (never a good idea before having coffee especially). And I realized it was still there: doubt – ohh that 5 letter word. I am so blessed and have an amazing understanding (and relationship) with God; yet here it is- doubt. It's haunting. Here it is: - I doubt that I have actually changed - I doubt that I can maintain female friendships - I doubt that all the money I have poured into ministries/training/youth is going to be returned to me - I doubt that I can out God first while I am pursuing a relationship - I doubt I can have a healthy relationship - I doubt that God will provide in miraculous ways - I doubt I can hear God for myself - I doubt I handled that situation correctly Now, rarely do these thoughts come across as “I doubt....” because that would be too obvious. No, these doubts come out with a more delicate wording, that makes them seem like doubt. Phrases like “I wonder if it's really possible...” or “Will I ever be able to....” or countless other more eloquent phrases. But lets me honest and call a spade a spade. If I am constantly wondering if God can do something, then I'm doubting. And ya know, it's exhausting. I know I'm not the only one who has doubts in the day to day hustle. And being in America makes it harder for me to discern, anything really. I'm so afraid of my doubts blocking God out, of strong arming my way through this next phase of my life; but really I want nothing more than for this area to see God as the loving Father that He is. So, how am I going to combat these doubts? That is sure a good question:) I know that the more time I spend with God, for the sake of getting to know Him – not because I have to – I will be able to rest more securely in Him. But also, I had some sweet words spoken over me the other day, but men & women whom I trust: - You are Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz with your foot on the Yellow Brick Road beginning a journey, one brick at a time, to reach the destination of the Emerald City - As you walk on the path there are children/youth following you - Your actions/attitude attract people just as much as your words - Obedience is what He is looking for - You are a gem – a refined strong stone – to God - God gave you your big dream- they are from Him. Shake off what others have told you about not being able to complete them. They are pearls close to His heart. Ya, I think those words will help to push me through some of my doubts. It's amazing when people who have no idea what's going on in your life can hear directly from God to speak directly to your heart. One brick at a time. Remembering that I don't need to know how God is going to do it, but trust that He is. Oh and that He doesn't work on MY time schedule.

How do you be the not weak, not in control, helper?

When God made Adam & Eve, He made Eve to be Adam’s helper. God made Eve NOT because Adam was incapable, NOT so Adam could boss her around, but so that Adam could have a companion. Adam and Eve had distinct roles, to compliment each other. Adam was the head of the household- the breadwinner, the big decision maker, the leader. Eve was the supporter, the follower, the companion. Maybe if they were rock climbing, Eve would be the legs and Adam would be the arms. Anyway, I was thinking about some things while I was reading this morning and it dawned on me that I have not seen many examples of truly healthy and biblical relationships/marriages. There are many things that I am look forward to when it comes to marriage, to have a partner in crime, to have sex, to make a family, to raise a family, and to have someone to permanently do life with: grow, learn and experience. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I know what my role as a wife should be and what I want it to be; but I am not sure that I know how to be a helper. Sure, I can help by offering advice, by telling him when he is not doing things right, I can even encourage and support decisions that are made. But what about when he has a word of correction for me? Or when he needs to tell me I am trying to hard? Or when he realizes something I have known for year? How can I be the helper then? Maybe for someone out there this is obvious; then please share your insight. Every relationship, practically, that I have been involved in – I was the leader. I was making important decisions for our lives, I was laying down the rules, I was making the boundaries, I was initiating Bible time/talk, and I was the one providing. And yet I was still giving into human desires. Looking back, it’s like I was totally okay with living outside of God’s best intentions for relationships. I was either in control or being controlled – often time simultaneously. No wonder I am a basket case lol But here I am now, in a place of moving forward, of recognizing that the way I have tended to do things is not the best way for me to do them at all…….not even a little bit….. So, hooray for me, I have recognized a destructive pattern; now what? I know what my tendency is – to sabotage. To unintentionally find ways that allow me to kind of listen to God’s best for me. To avoid situations where I should be the helper, to have everything together so that I don’t need to hear correction, to let him do everything, to find a way to always have one up. Hmm….sounds like a lot of pride to bust thru, but where do I even begin? I know that marriage is in my future, and I don’t want it to look like so many of the marriages I have seen. Daddy, soften my heart, open my eyes, show me the roots to remove so that I can (one day) be the loving helper wife that you desire for me to be. Let me hear words of correction in love, let me rejoice when my future husband rejoices, and support him rather than dictate him when he mourns. Holy Spirit come and begin to move in me, your presence is welcome here. In Jesus name, Amen.

Letting Go

After a long and trying couple months, I was able to get a couple days off in a row and make a small escape out of the burbs. It will not be beneficial to rehash the events over the last few months; the bottom line is that the situations still need prayer and sometimes they still hurt. I have been incredibly thankful for the church community I have a Vineyard Aurora for filling me up, praying for me, and just being there for the sake of being there :-) I'm thankful for the friends that have been supportive and reminding me who I am and that it is not my burden to bear; and especially for the ones who have stepped in when they knew I had no more to give. I wish I could confidently say that it is all over. Decisions have been made, words have been exchanged, actions have been taken and I have been removed from the situation; which makes it sound like it is over. However this phase of moving on seems to be almost as hard as the working thru and the letting go. In the moment, letting go of a situation comes with a wave of empowerment; knowing that you are taking a stand for something that is right or having the assurance that you are doing what God wants. Yet, the fact remains that you let go of something. For me, to let go, means that I must have been holding on (possibly tightly) to the situation. If I was holding on to the situation that means that, in a sense, it was a part of me; part of my day to day. For better or worse it was something I relied on or expected to be in my day to day life. So now, to let go, almost seems to throw me off balance. It makes it rather easy to see how a person can keep falling back into the same unhealthy relationship/pattern/situation. In addition, for me with one of the situations, my pride was brought into the light. Though I am truly compassionate and my desire is simply to help and to bring people to Jesus, there is a part of me that hurts when change does not happen because of my efforts. Which in the same breathe means I am saying that I don't fully trust God to handle the situation. :( Despite the amount of scripture and teachings that remind me it is not my (or any person's) responsibility to change a person, there is still this small (and getting smaller by the day) part of me that clings to the hope that just maybe I can play a role. Yet, as I recently learned, some people struggle to see the help as an act of help; rather they attach it to the person thus making the person helping some type of savior to them. And let me tell you that creates a whole different problem. While this all sounds glim, there is hope. It is possible to move on past letting go – no matter how hard it feels and how hard it sounds. In most of the situations I am certain that I made the best choice I could make; which is helpful when I want to try and hold on. It's also been helpful to have affirmation from trusted brothers & sisters that I am making strides in the right direction. I also know that I am forgiven. And I have the choice to move on or to be at a stand still. I know that God has new things in store for me and has a plan for my life. So as I let go, I have plenty of situations to step into and embrace in His Kingdom.