God is able to forget our sins, to not hold our sins against us. But God has an incredible way of allowing you not to forget what He wants you to know. THe last few weeks I've had this memeory running through my head. Towards the end of my time at WIU, I had begun to read Isaiah and I remember being so convicted by it and talking with my roommate, Meme. I remember many times reading over the follwoing, Isaiah 1:10 -14:
Hear the words of the Lord. you rulers of Sodom; listen to the law of our God, you people of Gomorrah! THe multitude of your sacrifices - what are they to me? says the Lord. I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. When you come to appear before me, who has asked this of you, this trampling of my courts? Stop bringing me meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths, and convocations - I cannot bear your evil assemblies. Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts my soul hates. They have become a burden to me; I am weary of them.
I remember my mind flowing of the destastable incense that i had tried to give to God. I tried to think about what would it look like to really give Him all of me. I started to think that the only sacrifice that was meaningful to God was the sacrifice of my old self. Was giving over the things that were holding me down. At the time, I was going out to the bars more than I should have, and I was engaged in some relationships that I should not have been. I remember thinking that those were the sacrifices I needed to make for God. ANd I remember saying, I'll start with the drinking.
And, we can see where that got me to - more relationships I should not have been in and more drinking as well.
Over the last couple years I had forgotten about that - until these last few weeks. So here I sit again, reading over those verses in Isaiah - asking GOd, what sacrifice do you want from me? And can ya guess what He told me? Of course you can - relationships. It's like I could just picture God sitting across the room, and smiling at me, saying, my child, you know what I want - in that way that only a loving Father can do.
If you can and remember - please pray for me as I work towards intentionally working on my view of relationships. As I try to not make the male friends I have my pseudo boyfriends, or husbands - that God is my emotional support!! That I do not go looking for new guys or try to dig up the old ones just for kicks. And maybe, ask God what your sacrifice is?
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Jesus' wounds and satan's lies
As I've been reading through the psalms, I've also continued to read through Healing for Damaged Emotionswith the workbook. It has been some tough stuff to sift through. Much of it has been depressing, recalling the things from the past and what have you. BUt I ran across my favorite chapter the other day. I've read it before, and as soon as I began the chapter yesterday, it came rushing back with such a powerful force. The chapter is titled the Wounded healer.
Jesus was wounded. I'm amazed at how easily I forget that. I forget that not only was Jesus physically beaten but that he was emotionally tormented. THough Jesus was fully God he was also fully man - he was rejected and abandoned by the ones he loved and was closest to. Jesus tells of his soul being sorrowful as he was praying in the garden. In Matthew 26 Jesus talks about being sorrowful to the point of death and he asks his disciples to stay with him for comfort and they cannot even stay awake with him http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2026:36-46&version=NIV. Jesus knew what it was like to be alone. Can you even imagine the amount of pain that Jesus felt in his life? Even as Jesus knew it was His will, the burden was so heavy he asked His father to pass the cup onto another. And at the very end, he felt as if His father forsake him.
But I have a hard time remembering all that Jesus went through because, after all, he is God and perfect and independant. And I believe it's satan feeding me lies - trying everything he can to place a distance between God and I. I mean if satan can get me to believe that God doesn't understand my pain, then I won't go to God with my pain and then I'm less of a threat to satan - see satan thinks he's smart but Jesus is so much smarter!
Some scriptures that were highlited in this chapter that I have found helpful
Isaiah 53 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2053&version=NIV
Hebrews 4:14-16 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%204:14%20-16&version=NIV
Romans 8:26-27 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:26-27&version=NIV
Psalm 22 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2022&version=NIV
Jesus was wounded. I'm amazed at how easily I forget that. I forget that not only was Jesus physically beaten but that he was emotionally tormented. THough Jesus was fully God he was also fully man - he was rejected and abandoned by the ones he loved and was closest to. Jesus tells of his soul being sorrowful as he was praying in the garden. In Matthew 26 Jesus talks about being sorrowful to the point of death and he asks his disciples to stay with him for comfort and they cannot even stay awake with him http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2026:36-46&version=NIV. Jesus knew what it was like to be alone. Can you even imagine the amount of pain that Jesus felt in his life? Even as Jesus knew it was His will, the burden was so heavy he asked His father to pass the cup onto another. And at the very end, he felt as if His father forsake him.
But I have a hard time remembering all that Jesus went through because, after all, he is God and perfect and independant. And I believe it's satan feeding me lies - trying everything he can to place a distance between God and I. I mean if satan can get me to believe that God doesn't understand my pain, then I won't go to God with my pain and then I'm less of a threat to satan - see satan thinks he's smart but Jesus is so much smarter!
Some scriptures that were highlited in this chapter that I have found helpful
Isaiah 53 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2053&version=NIV
Hebrews 4:14-16 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%204:14%20-16&version=NIV
Romans 8:26-27 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:26-27&version=NIV
Psalm 22 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2022&version=NIV
Monday, September 21, 2009
Update
I've avoided my blog for some time now. I wasn't living the way that I thought I should be living and din't have a desire to share that, I was embarrased. The last few months have been soo fast and full that I don't even know how to begin to sum them up, other than trying. I belive that sometimes it is important and almsot necessary to dig into the depths of what was to sort the mess of what is. But sometimes I think what was needs to simply be laid to rest.
There was nothing super tragic that happened to me - Somewhere around 5th grade there was a shift in my thinking and I remember my world turning sexual - not that I was having sex, or even preforming sexual acts. I know that having a father who always worked made me sad that he wasn't at home with the "family" and that it's possible I still hold on to that - in fact I know that it still affects me. It seemed that we/I was not worth his time and that is why he did not leave work. I know that it is not the case - whether his decision to work assanine hours was the right decision for the family is not something that will benefit me to pursue. My mother and I always butted heads and continue to do so to this day - she is a huge people pleaser and since she was the one who primarily raised me, it rubbed off on me. My sister was seemingly the favorite and the better looking daughter, and that impression continues to be placed upon me.
Then there was the "normal" growing up crap of having my heart broken, moving towns, being betrayed, hating authority, blah blah blah. THen there were the eating disorders, the suicidal ideation, the friends who tried to commit suicide and the like. The working and going to school and being in a competative marching band and trying to fill all the voids in my life with boys.
And there ya have most of my 24 years of life summarrized in less than a page.
In all of that I've realized that the details of the past aren't important. Like the cliche says - what matters is what I do with it. Am I going to sit and sort through it and find my exact pain? no- I'm not.
I heard an awesome service the other day, that brought me to tears - before the pastor even began to speak. I don't even remember the songs that we sung for music worship, but I just closed my eyes and started to pray - Dear God, break down these walls, break the wall of my desire to drink to avoid feeling, break the wall of running to a man, break the wall of bitterness....over and over I just repeated those words and as we continued to sing I started to cry. I wish that the kids weren't with me and I would have fallen to my knees and balled. I don't know what brought those feeling up inside me, but they were and I'm glad.
I'm putting alcohol aside - there's no need to mask the feelings that I have. I've gone 3 months with no sexual activity (except the one guy I kissed) and I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 months as well. I wish that my time frames were longer but those were my choices. And I know that I need to start small to build up - to be a woman of God.
I've been trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, and what I'm thinking about. It's hard - and my dreams are the worst as they are usually about sex.
In addition there will be no more estrogen pills - they didn't help to balance out my hormones and they only made me more emotional, bloated and aggitated. My body just has more testosterone than it should and I will deal with that on a needs be basis (so like when I get married and want to have a baby).
I've been doing my best to read a psalm a day and I'm making some headway.
My goals currently are:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with GOd in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something GOd is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings
There was nothing super tragic that happened to me - Somewhere around 5th grade there was a shift in my thinking and I remember my world turning sexual - not that I was having sex, or even preforming sexual acts. I know that having a father who always worked made me sad that he wasn't at home with the "family" and that it's possible I still hold on to that - in fact I know that it still affects me. It seemed that we/I was not worth his time and that is why he did not leave work. I know that it is not the case - whether his decision to work assanine hours was the right decision for the family is not something that will benefit me to pursue. My mother and I always butted heads and continue to do so to this day - she is a huge people pleaser and since she was the one who primarily raised me, it rubbed off on me. My sister was seemingly the favorite and the better looking daughter, and that impression continues to be placed upon me.
Then there was the "normal" growing up crap of having my heart broken, moving towns, being betrayed, hating authority, blah blah blah. THen there were the eating disorders, the suicidal ideation, the friends who tried to commit suicide and the like. The working and going to school and being in a competative marching band and trying to fill all the voids in my life with boys.
And there ya have most of my 24 years of life summarrized in less than a page.
In all of that I've realized that the details of the past aren't important. Like the cliche says - what matters is what I do with it. Am I going to sit and sort through it and find my exact pain? no- I'm not.
I heard an awesome service the other day, that brought me to tears - before the pastor even began to speak. I don't even remember the songs that we sung for music worship, but I just closed my eyes and started to pray - Dear God, break down these walls, break the wall of my desire to drink to avoid feeling, break the wall of running to a man, break the wall of bitterness....over and over I just repeated those words and as we continued to sing I started to cry. I wish that the kids weren't with me and I would have fallen to my knees and balled. I don't know what brought those feeling up inside me, but they were and I'm glad.
I'm putting alcohol aside - there's no need to mask the feelings that I have. I've gone 3 months with no sexual activity (except the one guy I kissed) and I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 months as well. I wish that my time frames were longer but those were my choices. And I know that I need to start small to build up - to be a woman of God.
I've been trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, and what I'm thinking about. It's hard - and my dreams are the worst as they are usually about sex.
In addition there will be no more estrogen pills - they didn't help to balance out my hormones and they only made me more emotional, bloated and aggitated. My body just has more testosterone than it should and I will deal with that on a needs be basis (so like when I get married and want to have a baby).
I've been doing my best to read a psalm a day and I'm making some headway.
My goals currently are:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with GOd in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something GOd is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings
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