How do you be the not weak, not in control, helper?

When God made Adam & Eve, He made Eve to be Adam’s helper. God made Eve NOT because Adam was incapable, NOT so Adam could boss her around, but so that Adam could have a companion. Adam and Eve had distinct roles, to compliment each other. Adam was the head of the household- the breadwinner, the big decision maker, the leader. Eve was the supporter, the follower, the companion. Maybe if they were rock climbing, Eve would be the legs and Adam would be the arms. Anyway, I was thinking about some things while I was reading this morning and it dawned on me that I have not seen many examples of truly healthy and biblical relationships/marriages. There are many things that I am look forward to when it comes to marriage, to have a partner in crime, to have sex, to make a family, to raise a family, and to have someone to permanently do life with: grow, learn and experience. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I know what my role as a wife should be and what I want it to be; but I am not sure that I know how to be a helper. Sure, I can help by offering advice, by telling him when he is not doing things right, I can even encourage and support decisions that are made. But what about when he has a word of correction for me? Or when he needs to tell me I am trying to hard? Or when he realizes something I have known for year? How can I be the helper then? Maybe for someone out there this is obvious; then please share your insight. Every relationship, practically, that I have been involved in – I was the leader. I was making important decisions for our lives, I was laying down the rules, I was making the boundaries, I was initiating Bible time/talk, and I was the one providing. And yet I was still giving into human desires. Looking back, it’s like I was totally okay with living outside of God’s best intentions for relationships. I was either in control or being controlled – often time simultaneously. No wonder I am a basket case lol But here I am now, in a place of moving forward, of recognizing that the way I have tended to do things is not the best way for me to do them at all…….not even a little bit….. So, hooray for me, I have recognized a destructive pattern; now what? I know what my tendency is – to sabotage. To unintentionally find ways that allow me to kind of listen to God’s best for me. To avoid situations where I should be the helper, to have everything together so that I don’t need to hear correction, to let him do everything, to find a way to always have one up. Hmm….sounds like a lot of pride to bust thru, but where do I even begin? I know that marriage is in my future, and I don’t want it to look like so many of the marriages I have seen. Daddy, soften my heart, open my eyes, show me the roots to remove so that I can (one day) be the loving helper wife that you desire for me to be. Let me hear words of correction in love, let me rejoice when my future husband rejoices, and support him rather than dictate him when he mourns. Holy Spirit come and begin to move in me, your presence is welcome here. In Jesus name, Amen.

Letting Go

After a long and trying couple months, I was able to get a couple days off in a row and make a small escape out of the burbs. It will not be beneficial to rehash the events over the last few months; the bottom line is that the situations still need prayer and sometimes they still hurt. I have been incredibly thankful for the church community I have a Vineyard Aurora for filling me up, praying for me, and just being there for the sake of being there :-) I'm thankful for the friends that have been supportive and reminding me who I am and that it is not my burden to bear; and especially for the ones who have stepped in when they knew I had no more to give. I wish I could confidently say that it is all over. Decisions have been made, words have been exchanged, actions have been taken and I have been removed from the situation; which makes it sound like it is over. However this phase of moving on seems to be almost as hard as the working thru and the letting go. In the moment, letting go of a situation comes with a wave of empowerment; knowing that you are taking a stand for something that is right or having the assurance that you are doing what God wants. Yet, the fact remains that you let go of something. For me, to let go, means that I must have been holding on (possibly tightly) to the situation. If I was holding on to the situation that means that, in a sense, it was a part of me; part of my day to day. For better or worse it was something I relied on or expected to be in my day to day life. So now, to let go, almost seems to throw me off balance. It makes it rather easy to see how a person can keep falling back into the same unhealthy relationship/pattern/situation. In addition, for me with one of the situations, my pride was brought into the light. Though I am truly compassionate and my desire is simply to help and to bring people to Jesus, there is a part of me that hurts when change does not happen because of my efforts. Which in the same breathe means I am saying that I don't fully trust God to handle the situation. :( Despite the amount of scripture and teachings that remind me it is not my (or any person's) responsibility to change a person, there is still this small (and getting smaller by the day) part of me that clings to the hope that just maybe I can play a role. Yet, as I recently learned, some people struggle to see the help as an act of help; rather they attach it to the person thus making the person helping some type of savior to them. And let me tell you that creates a whole different problem. While this all sounds glim, there is hope. It is possible to move on past letting go – no matter how hard it feels and how hard it sounds. In most of the situations I am certain that I made the best choice I could make; which is helpful when I want to try and hold on. It's also been helpful to have affirmation from trusted brothers & sisters that I am making strides in the right direction. I also know that I am forgiven. And I have the choice to move on or to be at a stand still. I know that God has new things in store for me and has a plan for my life. So as I let go, I have plenty of situations to step into and embrace in His Kingdom.