Ohh that 5 letter word

These last few weeks have been, well interesting. I feel like I've had a lot of time to think yet no time to myself. I feel like I have a method of handling situations and then struggle to implement them. I feel like I'm trying new things but can't get it to stick. And most days I'm actually happy and content, but not in that complacent kind of way. Then this morning, as I was getting ready to start my day this wave hit me; this underlying crap that I've buried down. Things that I thought I was past, but then I looked at my bank account (never a good idea before having coffee especially). And I realized it was still there: doubt – ohh that 5 letter word. I am so blessed and have an amazing understanding (and relationship) with God; yet here it is- doubt. It's haunting. Here it is: - I doubt that I have actually changed - I doubt that I can maintain female friendships - I doubt that all the money I have poured into ministries/training/youth is going to be returned to me - I doubt that I can out God first while I am pursuing a relationship - I doubt I can have a healthy relationship - I doubt that God will provide in miraculous ways - I doubt I can hear God for myself - I doubt I handled that situation correctly Now, rarely do these thoughts come across as “I doubt....” because that would be too obvious. No, these doubts come out with a more delicate wording, that makes them seem like doubt. Phrases like “I wonder if it's really possible...” or “Will I ever be able to....” or countless other more eloquent phrases. But lets me honest and call a spade a spade. If I am constantly wondering if God can do something, then I'm doubting. And ya know, it's exhausting. I know I'm not the only one who has doubts in the day to day hustle. And being in America makes it harder for me to discern, anything really. I'm so afraid of my doubts blocking God out, of strong arming my way through this next phase of my life; but really I want nothing more than for this area to see God as the loving Father that He is. So, how am I going to combat these doubts? That is sure a good question:) I know that the more time I spend with God, for the sake of getting to know Him – not because I have to – I will be able to rest more securely in Him. But also, I had some sweet words spoken over me the other day, but men & women whom I trust: - You are Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz with your foot on the Yellow Brick Road beginning a journey, one brick at a time, to reach the destination of the Emerald City - As you walk on the path there are children/youth following you - Your actions/attitude attract people just as much as your words - Obedience is what He is looking for - You are a gem – a refined strong stone – to God - God gave you your big dream- they are from Him. Shake off what others have told you about not being able to complete them. They are pearls close to His heart. Ya, I think those words will help to push me through some of my doubts. It's amazing when people who have no idea what's going on in your life can hear directly from God to speak directly to your heart. One brick at a time. Remembering that I don't need to know how God is going to do it, but trust that He is. Oh and that He doesn't work on MY time schedule.