complacency

The other day I realized that something just didn't feel right. As I began to look over the last few weeks to see why that might be I realized that I have been ridiculously complacent. I am sure that I could come up with a handful of excuses and seemingly logical reasons as to why I was and many illogical reasons - ranging from work, to schedules, to projects and the like - however, none of those "reasons" are going to change anything or really bring me comfort. In fact, I've noticed that the more I rationalize and excuseize (ya I made it a word) the harder it is for me to come to terms with my complacency and make a move to change it.

For the last few weeks I have (and still do have) a certain restlessness. This feeling that I'm not doing something that I should be doing - maybe it is as simple as reading my bible and spending intentional time in prayer daily or maybe there is a risk I need to take or maybe a relationship I need to mend or create or maybe, goodness this list could go on for pages. I was finally able to vocalize this feeling the other day - I miss having a group bible study, having more than 2 people I feel I can talk to about God and what He is doing or trying to do in my life, my new job switch isn't really giving me the sense of peace that I thought it would (or maybe I'm not allowing it to), I miss being involved in a church and that sense of being involved in something bigger (though I know that Mooseheart really is being involved in something bigger).

Part of the problem has been that things are actually going really well. And I do praise God for that and am thankful for the lack of true worry. I have a job, I have enough money (most days), I have my Bailey-Jesus family, I have a pretty awesome boyfriend, and things with my parents/sister are even going better than usual. Yet, I'm missing my other friends, everyone is so busy, and I'm confused about my job and career path for the future. In a way I feel like I have been selfish with my job switch and in a way I feel like it doesn't allow me to do much else - working noon to eight is not playing out as beautifully as I had seen it; but I do still believe this was a switch I was supposed to take.

My main concern is making sure that God is always first. I know that He is part of my life everyday and that He speaks to me in many ways - the songs I hear, the people I talk to, the thoughts in my head - but I thrive and love that intentional, set aside, every day just God and me time. I sometimes worry that I kind of put Rob first, not in that idol sort of way - but in that he is physically there for me, that he can listen and we can talk through most problems that arise in our lives...although that is until he and I are arguing...hmmm...I mightbe on to something here.

All that to say, if you made it this far, and you talk to me in the next few days - ask me how I'm doing with my intentional God time, please :) I started reading Romans today and I would like to read at least a chapter a day. And I've also started to re-read Captivating as well. I think that it will be a good reminder for me.

I know that God is teaching me things even through my hap-hazard time with Him. This morning it clicked in my brain why a woman can't really mentor and man and vice versa. We just don't operate on the same system, the same playing field, the same recipe, the same appliance - whatever analogy ya need to have it make sense. And while that's something I've always understood the more of a woman I have become the more I am really understanding it - amazing how that happens, I know :)