Harboring

When I think of harboring, I think of a boat pulling into the harbor to be tied up to a dock, or anchored down in a specific location with other boats. And the boat just sits there, unable to go anywhere or do anything until its owner comes back, unties the boat and takes it out for a drive. When the drive is over the boat returns the the harbor. Fortunately for boats they don't have feelings or get bored with being in the same spot.
For me, this illustrates the workings of a persons mind. The boats represents our thoughts- ya know those things that we think about then store (harbor if you will) in our brains. And just like the boats, until we untie the thought and take it out for a spin, it just sits there and often festers. When a thought just sits in our brain it is useless to us. After reading "battlefield of the mind" I truely believe that our harbored thoughts are were satan looks to the most; looking to see what hasn't been brought up in a while- making it easier for him to twist and distort the thought into tosmething it was never meant to be. OR, when thoughts are harbored they just aren't dealt with. When a person has been hurt and does not take the time to deal with the hurt, the hurt just sits there. It's easy to think that you've moved on, or that something/someone else has replaced that hurt. That is, until, someone else hurts you and that initial hurt is suddenly flung forward; as if the speed boat has been untied with the motor running and no one is driving the boat. There is not telling what will come next, who will get crashed into and what damage will be done. Suddenly this little hurt that was harbored and ignored feels multiplied and it has now consumed your thoughts. Now not just one or two people have hurt you - suddenly everyone has. It doesn't matter if you have known a person for one day, you are convinced that they are out to get you, they looked at you funny, they were starring at your desk, wanting a ride to work everyday, and on and on.
How easy it is to blow things out of proportion; especially when thoughts are harbored up in our head.
I will admit, that I have a problem with harboring. IT has become ridiculously apparent to me over the last couple months. I think that the reason it became apparent was that I had run out of places to harbor more thoughts and I was having a difficult time talking nicely about people.

I have harbored thoughts about "how my mother acts" from the time I was old enough to remember. Every time that she would have a few drinks and seemingly make fun of me, when she thought it was odd that I volunteered, when she said that I could have whatever faith i wanted as long as I didn't shove it down her throat, when she refuses to come to church with me, when she would forget to send my credit card statements, when she tried to tell me that I didn't need to be helping my cousin, when she didn't notice I had lost 20 pounds or that I wanted to kill myself because I refused to show any feelings....
I have harbored thoughts about my friends when they don't return phone calls, have to cancel plans, when they refuse to make plans, when they seemingly call only when they need things, when they turn their backs on everything they believed in, about the conversations that we have, when we just grow apart...
I have harbored thoughts about my father when he was always working, how he refuses to stop smoking or take care of his weight, when he asks ridiculous questions that make me feel like I'm incapable or doing things on my own, when he tells me not to shove my faith down his throat, when he lets his mother guilt him and the rest of us around, when he doesn't ask me and just tells me....
I have harbored thoughts about my co-workers when they are late, when they don't plan an activity, when they don't talk to me, when they tell me their life story, when they make scheduling difficult, when they whine, when they tattle, when they breathe wrong ....

And what is sadly intriguing is that I never ask them (my mother, father, friends or co-workers) why they made those choices, I rarely ask for clarification, I don't take into account everything else that could be going on at the time (at least not immediately), I just harbor. I take each act as an attack against me and I harbor it in this place inside of me. I harbor it to the point where I can't have a conversation with any of them- my words are short and sharp and dripping with an intent to hurt. They are oozing with the hopes that the other person will realize the wrong that they have done to me. Piercing in ways that not even a knife could hurt. Like I'm setting them up for a trap - it doesn't matter what they say. I've made their anchors heavier than the boat itself from all the harboring, and it just starts to sink - the problem is that I get pulled down with it.

So what do I get from harboring? I get bitterness. I get to feel alone in a world that is already cold which leads to me being along because I won't give anyone the chance to talk. It leaves me feeling "why me?". And the fact is that none of my harbored thoughts are really that bad, almost none of them are attacks against me. Life happens, yet I continue to turn the pain inwards and make it about me. Which I believe, makes harboring a condition of the heart.

Despite years of counseling and "self help" books and amazing friends - there is still something inside of my heart that I have not let go of or that I have not figured out just yet. There is something that I have not turned over to God, something that satan has been having a field day with. As I wrote that, I feel as though I still crave to do everything on my own. For so long, all I had was myself to push me, and those that were closest to me (esp those after i came to Christ) were the ones who hurt me the most, tore my heart up like no other. And I think that I harbor those thoughts and they have created a fear inside of me, a fear of letting others get close enough to do the same thing. So, in order to make sure I could do it by myself, I sub consciously kept people away by harboring thoughts to create walls.

Father God, I pray that you would help me to no longer harbor my thoughts. Lord, that I may open my mouth and release them to you. God that I was allow people to clarify and that I would not take every action from others as though it is against myself. Father that I would cease to be bitter with those who are trying to be in my life, regardless of what may have happened in the past. Jesus may you provide opportunities for me to put this in practice. May I not allow the actions of others to impede the acts that you have given me to do. Lord may I have strength from you as I work through this and wisdom to know if I'm headed in the right direction. In your Son's precious name. Amen.