I finally had some time off on a real weekend to hang out with adults: ya know people my age, without having to watch children, people I didn't work with, and just like real people. Ohh my goodness I was soo stoked! Beyond stoked actually, I praised GOd for getting some time approved to have a portion of a social life - even if it was only for a couple hours - it was a couple hours more than usual. I went, I had a great time! I was strong - I didn't drink any alcohol, I didn't make out or anything with any of the guys (which is good cuz most of them were married lol)!! I did get a number though, and I got like a lil school girl.
We talked and all I could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop"? I wanted so bad to be optimistic but in the back of my head were all these lies circulating. How disgusting, that I had to convince myself that I was worth someone's time, that I can be liked for who I am and not have to put out to gain attention and respect. Ughh, I felt like such a high school drama queen. It took a day for my nerves and anxiety to rear their way into conversations. I tried to pray but I couldn't find the words. So the gaurds went up - hard core! I could practically feel the cement growing. So just because I can't convince myself that I'm likeable I overkilled my chance for someone to even get to know me. THank you horrible self talk and satan for your lies.
But what is the lie? Do I really think that I'm not a likeable person?? I don't think that's the case because I have friends lol And I think that they atleast like me. God, what is this lie that has been created in me? I don't want to make satan smile, I don't want satan to gain an ounce back of all that I have taken back.
I try to pray and the words flee from me. Last night I pulled up Romans8:26 -In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. - And I began to read over it again and again. I received no words, but I felt a peace.
I feel worthless in my groans because they make no sense to me- but I pray that I remember the groans mean something to God and I pray for sensitive ears to hear what He has to say in response.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
looking glass self
I was just reading through one of my books and I came across this....
One of the characteristics of the child is that he knows and understand things partially. Part of growing up into mature love is to reach a fuller, face to face understanding. Our pictures and our feelings about ourselves come largely from the pictures and the feelings we see reflected in our family members - what we watch in their expressions, hear from the tone in their voices, and see from their actions. These reflections tell us not only who we are, but also what we are going to become. As the reflections gradually become part of us, we take on the shape of the person we see in the family looking glass. pg 86, David Seamands
As I read over that, i couldn't help but think of my kids. Ya know,some weeks they are rough and it seems like all they do is get in trouble and purposefully tick us off. But what type of mirror am I creating for these children? Am I nourishing their creativity? Encouraging them to be the best that they can be? Am I showing them affection and love? Or am I just agitated, and adding to the horrible image that their legal guardians have already placed upon them?
I know that we all aren't perfect and that we're all going to have bad days. But it seems like this is something that I need to be more aware of, as I raise these kids - and any other kids that come my way.
One of the characteristics of the child is that he knows and understand things partially. Part of growing up into mature love is to reach a fuller, face to face understanding. Our pictures and our feelings about ourselves come largely from the pictures and the feelings we see reflected in our family members - what we watch in their expressions, hear from the tone in their voices, and see from their actions. These reflections tell us not only who we are, but also what we are going to become. As the reflections gradually become part of us, we take on the shape of the person we see in the family looking glass. pg 86, David Seamands
As I read over that, i couldn't help but think of my kids. Ya know,some weeks they are rough and it seems like all they do is get in trouble and purposefully tick us off. But what type of mirror am I creating for these children? Am I nourishing their creativity? Encouraging them to be the best that they can be? Am I showing them affection and love? Or am I just agitated, and adding to the horrible image that their legal guardians have already placed upon them?
I know that we all aren't perfect and that we're all going to have bad days. But it seems like this is something that I need to be more aware of, as I raise these kids - and any other kids that come my way.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Memory and Sacrifice
God is able to forget our sins, to not hold our sins against us. But God has an incredible way of allowing you not to forget what He wants you to know. THe last few weeks I've had this memeory running through my head. Towards the end of my time at WIU, I had begun to read Isaiah and I remember being so convicted by it and talking with my roommate, Meme. I remember many times reading over the follwoing, Isaiah 1:10 -14:
Hear the words of the Lord. you rulers of Sodom; listen to the law of our God, you people of Gomorrah! THe multitude of your sacrifices - what are they to me? says the Lord. I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. When you come to appear before me, who has asked this of you, this trampling of my courts? Stop bringing me meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths, and convocations - I cannot bear your evil assemblies. Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts my soul hates. They have become a burden to me; I am weary of them.
I remember my mind flowing of the destastable incense that i had tried to give to God. I tried to think about what would it look like to really give Him all of me. I started to think that the only sacrifice that was meaningful to God was the sacrifice of my old self. Was giving over the things that were holding me down. At the time, I was going out to the bars more than I should have, and I was engaged in some relationships that I should not have been. I remember thinking that those were the sacrifices I needed to make for God. ANd I remember saying, I'll start with the drinking.
And, we can see where that got me to - more relationships I should not have been in and more drinking as well.
Over the last couple years I had forgotten about that - until these last few weeks. So here I sit again, reading over those verses in Isaiah - asking GOd, what sacrifice do you want from me? And can ya guess what He told me? Of course you can - relationships. It's like I could just picture God sitting across the room, and smiling at me, saying, my child, you know what I want - in that way that only a loving Father can do.
If you can and remember - please pray for me as I work towards intentionally working on my view of relationships. As I try to not make the male friends I have my pseudo boyfriends, or husbands - that God is my emotional support!! That I do not go looking for new guys or try to dig up the old ones just for kicks. And maybe, ask God what your sacrifice is?
Hear the words of the Lord. you rulers of Sodom; listen to the law of our God, you people of Gomorrah! THe multitude of your sacrifices - what are they to me? says the Lord. I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. When you come to appear before me, who has asked this of you, this trampling of my courts? Stop bringing me meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths, and convocations - I cannot bear your evil assemblies. Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts my soul hates. They have become a burden to me; I am weary of them.
I remember my mind flowing of the destastable incense that i had tried to give to God. I tried to think about what would it look like to really give Him all of me. I started to think that the only sacrifice that was meaningful to God was the sacrifice of my old self. Was giving over the things that were holding me down. At the time, I was going out to the bars more than I should have, and I was engaged in some relationships that I should not have been. I remember thinking that those were the sacrifices I needed to make for God. ANd I remember saying, I'll start with the drinking.
And, we can see where that got me to - more relationships I should not have been in and more drinking as well.
Over the last couple years I had forgotten about that - until these last few weeks. So here I sit again, reading over those verses in Isaiah - asking GOd, what sacrifice do you want from me? And can ya guess what He told me? Of course you can - relationships. It's like I could just picture God sitting across the room, and smiling at me, saying, my child, you know what I want - in that way that only a loving Father can do.
If you can and remember - please pray for me as I work towards intentionally working on my view of relationships. As I try to not make the male friends I have my pseudo boyfriends, or husbands - that God is my emotional support!! That I do not go looking for new guys or try to dig up the old ones just for kicks. And maybe, ask God what your sacrifice is?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Jesus' wounds and satan's lies
As I've been reading through the psalms, I've also continued to read through Healing for Damaged Emotionswith the workbook. It has been some tough stuff to sift through. Much of it has been depressing, recalling the things from the past and what have you. BUt I ran across my favorite chapter the other day. I've read it before, and as soon as I began the chapter yesterday, it came rushing back with such a powerful force. The chapter is titled the Wounded healer.
Jesus was wounded. I'm amazed at how easily I forget that. I forget that not only was Jesus physically beaten but that he was emotionally tormented. THough Jesus was fully God he was also fully man - he was rejected and abandoned by the ones he loved and was closest to. Jesus tells of his soul being sorrowful as he was praying in the garden. In Matthew 26 Jesus talks about being sorrowful to the point of death and he asks his disciples to stay with him for comfort and they cannot even stay awake with him http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2026:36-46&version=NIV. Jesus knew what it was like to be alone. Can you even imagine the amount of pain that Jesus felt in his life? Even as Jesus knew it was His will, the burden was so heavy he asked His father to pass the cup onto another. And at the very end, he felt as if His father forsake him.
But I have a hard time remembering all that Jesus went through because, after all, he is God and perfect and independant. And I believe it's satan feeding me lies - trying everything he can to place a distance between God and I. I mean if satan can get me to believe that God doesn't understand my pain, then I won't go to God with my pain and then I'm less of a threat to satan - see satan thinks he's smart but Jesus is so much smarter!
Some scriptures that were highlited in this chapter that I have found helpful
Isaiah 53 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2053&version=NIV
Hebrews 4:14-16 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%204:14%20-16&version=NIV
Romans 8:26-27 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:26-27&version=NIV
Psalm 22 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2022&version=NIV
Jesus was wounded. I'm amazed at how easily I forget that. I forget that not only was Jesus physically beaten but that he was emotionally tormented. THough Jesus was fully God he was also fully man - he was rejected and abandoned by the ones he loved and was closest to. Jesus tells of his soul being sorrowful as he was praying in the garden. In Matthew 26 Jesus talks about being sorrowful to the point of death and he asks his disciples to stay with him for comfort and they cannot even stay awake with him http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2026:36-46&version=NIV. Jesus knew what it was like to be alone. Can you even imagine the amount of pain that Jesus felt in his life? Even as Jesus knew it was His will, the burden was so heavy he asked His father to pass the cup onto another. And at the very end, he felt as if His father forsake him.
But I have a hard time remembering all that Jesus went through because, after all, he is God and perfect and independant. And I believe it's satan feeding me lies - trying everything he can to place a distance between God and I. I mean if satan can get me to believe that God doesn't understand my pain, then I won't go to God with my pain and then I'm less of a threat to satan - see satan thinks he's smart but Jesus is so much smarter!
Some scriptures that were highlited in this chapter that I have found helpful
Isaiah 53 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2053&version=NIV
Hebrews 4:14-16 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%204:14%20-16&version=NIV
Romans 8:26-27 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:26-27&version=NIV
Psalm 22 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2022&version=NIV
Monday, September 21, 2009
Update
I've avoided my blog for some time now. I wasn't living the way that I thought I should be living and din't have a desire to share that, I was embarrased. The last few months have been soo fast and full that I don't even know how to begin to sum them up, other than trying. I belive that sometimes it is important and almsot necessary to dig into the depths of what was to sort the mess of what is. But sometimes I think what was needs to simply be laid to rest.
There was nothing super tragic that happened to me - Somewhere around 5th grade there was a shift in my thinking and I remember my world turning sexual - not that I was having sex, or even preforming sexual acts. I know that having a father who always worked made me sad that he wasn't at home with the "family" and that it's possible I still hold on to that - in fact I know that it still affects me. It seemed that we/I was not worth his time and that is why he did not leave work. I know that it is not the case - whether his decision to work assanine hours was the right decision for the family is not something that will benefit me to pursue. My mother and I always butted heads and continue to do so to this day - she is a huge people pleaser and since she was the one who primarily raised me, it rubbed off on me. My sister was seemingly the favorite and the better looking daughter, and that impression continues to be placed upon me.
Then there was the "normal" growing up crap of having my heart broken, moving towns, being betrayed, hating authority, blah blah blah. THen there were the eating disorders, the suicidal ideation, the friends who tried to commit suicide and the like. The working and going to school and being in a competative marching band and trying to fill all the voids in my life with boys.
And there ya have most of my 24 years of life summarrized in less than a page.
In all of that I've realized that the details of the past aren't important. Like the cliche says - what matters is what I do with it. Am I going to sit and sort through it and find my exact pain? no- I'm not.
I heard an awesome service the other day, that brought me to tears - before the pastor even began to speak. I don't even remember the songs that we sung for music worship, but I just closed my eyes and started to pray - Dear God, break down these walls, break the wall of my desire to drink to avoid feeling, break the wall of running to a man, break the wall of bitterness....over and over I just repeated those words and as we continued to sing I started to cry. I wish that the kids weren't with me and I would have fallen to my knees and balled. I don't know what brought those feeling up inside me, but they were and I'm glad.
I'm putting alcohol aside - there's no need to mask the feelings that I have. I've gone 3 months with no sexual activity (except the one guy I kissed) and I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 months as well. I wish that my time frames were longer but those were my choices. And I know that I need to start small to build up - to be a woman of God.
I've been trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, and what I'm thinking about. It's hard - and my dreams are the worst as they are usually about sex.
In addition there will be no more estrogen pills - they didn't help to balance out my hormones and they only made me more emotional, bloated and aggitated. My body just has more testosterone than it should and I will deal with that on a needs be basis (so like when I get married and want to have a baby).
I've been doing my best to read a psalm a day and I'm making some headway.
My goals currently are:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with GOd in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something GOd is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings
There was nothing super tragic that happened to me - Somewhere around 5th grade there was a shift in my thinking and I remember my world turning sexual - not that I was having sex, or even preforming sexual acts. I know that having a father who always worked made me sad that he wasn't at home with the "family" and that it's possible I still hold on to that - in fact I know that it still affects me. It seemed that we/I was not worth his time and that is why he did not leave work. I know that it is not the case - whether his decision to work assanine hours was the right decision for the family is not something that will benefit me to pursue. My mother and I always butted heads and continue to do so to this day - she is a huge people pleaser and since she was the one who primarily raised me, it rubbed off on me. My sister was seemingly the favorite and the better looking daughter, and that impression continues to be placed upon me.
Then there was the "normal" growing up crap of having my heart broken, moving towns, being betrayed, hating authority, blah blah blah. THen there were the eating disorders, the suicidal ideation, the friends who tried to commit suicide and the like. The working and going to school and being in a competative marching band and trying to fill all the voids in my life with boys.
And there ya have most of my 24 years of life summarrized in less than a page.
In all of that I've realized that the details of the past aren't important. Like the cliche says - what matters is what I do with it. Am I going to sit and sort through it and find my exact pain? no- I'm not.
I heard an awesome service the other day, that brought me to tears - before the pastor even began to speak. I don't even remember the songs that we sung for music worship, but I just closed my eyes and started to pray - Dear God, break down these walls, break the wall of my desire to drink to avoid feeling, break the wall of running to a man, break the wall of bitterness....over and over I just repeated those words and as we continued to sing I started to cry. I wish that the kids weren't with me and I would have fallen to my knees and balled. I don't know what brought those feeling up inside me, but they were and I'm glad.
I'm putting alcohol aside - there's no need to mask the feelings that I have. I've gone 3 months with no sexual activity (except the one guy I kissed) and I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 months as well. I wish that my time frames were longer but those were my choices. And I know that I need to start small to build up - to be a woman of God.
I've been trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, and what I'm thinking about. It's hard - and my dreams are the worst as they are usually about sex.
In addition there will be no more estrogen pills - they didn't help to balance out my hormones and they only made me more emotional, bloated and aggitated. My body just has more testosterone than it should and I will deal with that on a needs be basis (so like when I get married and want to have a baby).
I've been doing my best to read a psalm a day and I'm making some headway.
My goals currently are:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with GOd in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something GOd is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings
Monday, July 20, 2009
Prayer
I read a simple statement today that got me to thinkin' about how I view my prayer life. In a book I'm reading it said that "Expressing thoughts and feelings may help us feel better, but prayer is not simply a divine therapy session. In prayer, the God of creation gives us direction."
I believe it is important to talk to God about how we feel, and what's going on in our mind. Lately though, I find myself stopping after I complain, or cry, or vent. I've forgotten how important it is to ask God for his direction, how to handle the pain, what's next in my life, etc.
God is soo much more than a sounding board and I need to remember that!
I believe it is important to talk to God about how we feel, and what's going on in our mind. Lately though, I find myself stopping after I complain, or cry, or vent. I've forgotten how important it is to ask God for his direction, how to handle the pain, what's next in my life, etc.
God is soo much more than a sounding board and I need to remember that!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
It is what it is
*This is a rated R post for sexual content*
For the last few months I have been reading thru Captivating with a friend, have been doing devotionals from a book called Fearless, and recently began counseling again. My life is saturated with digging and prying, and finding the causes of the wounds.
I have had amazing counseling sessions and then I have had ones where it was like running up against a brick wall. I have had the most disturbing of dreams, that I believe came from God, and then again I've had nights where I slept so very peacefully. I still am not able to attend a church service (just the so so one that I am required to bring my children to every Sunday morning).
Today, instead of working backwards (looking into my childhood to explain my life now) my brain started to relive and be completely absorbed in my california life. My internship in California brought about many of it's own struggles, but none of them were as hard to recover from as the relationship that occurred while I was out there. One of my "wounds" and "self talk" and "fears" is that if I am not offering a man physical pleasure, he will not stay around, and that it's the only way I can hold his interest. No wound was pried into more, than that wound. I went 4 months without having many friends - male or female - and then a lady finally set me up on a date. We spent the whole evening hanging out, talking, listening to Christian music and when it got time to be dropped off, we started kissing. THe next night he came over late and spent the night and we had sex, let me rephrase that, he penetrated me. I had said no, when he had made the suggestion - but an hour later, there he was, on top of me- what was I to do? I felt like crap, i cried, I couldn't sleep - it had been 4 years since I had actually had sex, and now in one night that record was gone.
Despite talking about it with him, it happened again. Yet, I continued to call him, he brought me lunches and dinners. We went to the movies and the beaches. He came to church with me every Sunday morning. After all, it had to be consensual cuz I never said "no". I was tired of it, I wanted something real, something meaningful. He told me that he loved me, and wanted to marry me and blah blah blah. We did good for like a month, and then after a long talk about not wanting to anymore, that I was afraid, he said he understood. That was, until the next day. I asked him to stop, I said no -nicely- but he still got what he wanted. All in that moment I simply wished i was dead.
Every little fear from any previous relationship all came rushing forward. I had let this happen, it was my fault, I deserved it. All my years of being a teenager I had wondered what it was like to be raped (cuz my cousin was continually raped by her boyfriends) and when I was younger, I thought that if something traumatic like that happened to me that maybe it would explain the rest of my depression.
Well here it was, it was rape. I lost the energy to fight. He never left a mark on me, he never hit me, but he did take something from me that I wasn't ready to give him.
In all my insecurities and my fears, I stayed with him. Sure we argued about it, sure I said I felt like I was raped but of course he didn't agree.Of course we argued daily when I didn't want to kiss him, when I told him I didn't trust him, when I told him I didn't love him. But every day he was there, and he kept calling.
So, it is what it is - I was raped. I never told anyone. How do you tell someone that? I may have told one person, and that person didn't have much to say.
Why does it matter? It matters because I can't move on from it. It matters because I'm still stuck in that place, in those fears and emerged in that wound. I haven't forgiven him and I haven't really moved on. Instead I've had sexual escapades with guys from my past to try and fill that hurtful void, I've watched other people having sex- to feel their pain and get pleasure without doing it myself - and I've held onto shallow relationships in an attempt to find meaning again.
In the last few weeks I have tired - I've stopped talking with guys who only want to talk about sex, I've taken phone numbers out of my phone, and I've told a few people to stop calling.But removing myself from the situation is not really enough. All I've done is escaped and avoided the pain. I'm not sure how to face the pain and move forward.
What is it going to look like to forgive and begin to move forward? Forgive him, and forgive myself? To de-saturate my brain from these thoughts and images? To take back the life I was meant to have?
For the last few months I have been reading thru Captivating with a friend, have been doing devotionals from a book called Fearless, and recently began counseling again. My life is saturated with digging and prying, and finding the causes of the wounds.
I have had amazing counseling sessions and then I have had ones where it was like running up against a brick wall. I have had the most disturbing of dreams, that I believe came from God, and then again I've had nights where I slept so very peacefully. I still am not able to attend a church service (just the so so one that I am required to bring my children to every Sunday morning).
Today, instead of working backwards (looking into my childhood to explain my life now) my brain started to relive and be completely absorbed in my california life. My internship in California brought about many of it's own struggles, but none of them were as hard to recover from as the relationship that occurred while I was out there. One of my "wounds" and "self talk" and "fears" is that if I am not offering a man physical pleasure, he will not stay around, and that it's the only way I can hold his interest. No wound was pried into more, than that wound. I went 4 months without having many friends - male or female - and then a lady finally set me up on a date. We spent the whole evening hanging out, talking, listening to Christian music and when it got time to be dropped off, we started kissing. THe next night he came over late and spent the night and we had sex, let me rephrase that, he penetrated me. I had said no, when he had made the suggestion - but an hour later, there he was, on top of me- what was I to do? I felt like crap, i cried, I couldn't sleep - it had been 4 years since I had actually had sex, and now in one night that record was gone.
Despite talking about it with him, it happened again. Yet, I continued to call him, he brought me lunches and dinners. We went to the movies and the beaches. He came to church with me every Sunday morning. After all, it had to be consensual cuz I never said "no". I was tired of it, I wanted something real, something meaningful. He told me that he loved me, and wanted to marry me and blah blah blah. We did good for like a month, and then after a long talk about not wanting to anymore, that I was afraid, he said he understood. That was, until the next day. I asked him to stop, I said no -nicely- but he still got what he wanted. All in that moment I simply wished i was dead.
Every little fear from any previous relationship all came rushing forward. I had let this happen, it was my fault, I deserved it. All my years of being a teenager I had wondered what it was like to be raped (cuz my cousin was continually raped by her boyfriends) and when I was younger, I thought that if something traumatic like that happened to me that maybe it would explain the rest of my depression.
Well here it was, it was rape. I lost the energy to fight. He never left a mark on me, he never hit me, but he did take something from me that I wasn't ready to give him.
In all my insecurities and my fears, I stayed with him. Sure we argued about it, sure I said I felt like I was raped but of course he didn't agree.Of course we argued daily when I didn't want to kiss him, when I told him I didn't trust him, when I told him I didn't love him. But every day he was there, and he kept calling.
So, it is what it is - I was raped. I never told anyone. How do you tell someone that? I may have told one person, and that person didn't have much to say.
Why does it matter? It matters because I can't move on from it. It matters because I'm still stuck in that place, in those fears and emerged in that wound. I haven't forgiven him and I haven't really moved on. Instead I've had sexual escapades with guys from my past to try and fill that hurtful void, I've watched other people having sex- to feel their pain and get pleasure without doing it myself - and I've held onto shallow relationships in an attempt to find meaning again.
In the last few weeks I have tired - I've stopped talking with guys who only want to talk about sex, I've taken phone numbers out of my phone, and I've told a few people to stop calling.But removing myself from the situation is not really enough. All I've done is escaped and avoided the pain. I'm not sure how to face the pain and move forward.
What is it going to look like to forgive and begin to move forward? Forgive him, and forgive myself? To de-saturate my brain from these thoughts and images? To take back the life I was meant to have?
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