The thoughts have been racing. self reflection. remembering previous sermons. watching my friends. self reflection. daily living. repeat. re loop. readjust. I'm honestly surprised that my brain hasn't burst - yet I've remained completely calm to those around me. I've actually written several poems this last week - which, for me, is slightly odd. I was kind of excited about the most recent one I posted because it was optimistic, it had meaning yet as I wrote it, the words didn't hit me. There wasn't a release. But then I was talking with a friend tonight - and the mess, the choas, the behind the scenes thoughts came to surface.
I splurged out something like this:
**I've discovered I'm impatient and I have a hard time thinking that there is someone better out there {referring to past boy friends}. I'm afraid to let go of what I know won't work in fear of there being nothing else or nothing better. Somewhere deep down I truly know that giving it all to God is the only way to get better, but somewhere on the surface are all these scars and bruises and pains that aren't letting me get deep down into my heart. I'm my own worst enemy. It's like when you get hurt physically all you can focus on is that pain. All I've been focusing on is the emotional turmoil - most of which I've put myself through, going for guys that like to drink, or smoke, that don't even like my name, that keep me b/c they know I'll always be there and the like. It's like I locked myself in a porta potty and asked someone to tip it over on me and continually rolled in my own crap.**
Last week my friend Angie asked me if I'd be willing to not talk to boys about relationships for a week, and commit this matter to the Lord. I agreed, nervously, but I agreed. But for the first time since I've been back at my parent's time got in the way - or I got in my own way. It was my worst week of devotionals/quiet times and by far my worst week of prayer. My brain seemingly refused to be still and listen. The word that kept coming to mind was "fear" but I still don't know why.
I know that I usually write about what I've studied or heard about - but somehow this seems appropriate to put here.
I think, simply put, I'm afraid to let go. Maybe part of it is all the moving and transitioning that's been going on - maybe boys have been the constant. Maybe it relations to the relationship I've had with my own Father. A very wise man once told me that I allow my earthly relationships to shape/determine the way I view God.
Hardell told me, that no body is good at everything. Even in school, the smartest person will struggle in one subject. So why, do i expect myself to be good at everything in life? There are areas that I need help in. That I need to just lay down in front of God and admit how lost I am. How tired I am of rolling around in my own mess - and mean it.
Perspective
You have a way
of changing my perspective
that no one can ever duplicate
My safety net is gone
you have left me no choice
but to look to you
To show me that your hands hold me
your hands guide me
your hands will never let me fall
Your hands have always held me
I have never needed my safety net
I've only needed to trust you
And always you will be there
holding, loving, supporting
I'll never need anything else
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