This is one of my new favorite songs!! If you listen to K*Love you've probably heard it it's by a group called MikesChair - which I got to see when I went to the concert in Rockford!! They also preformed this song live - gave me goosebumps and i nearly cried - just so powerful and is really meeting me where I am at lately :)
......
This isn't the official video but I like the visuals with this one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tq42I1RY8wg&feature=related
Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?
sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You'll never out of reach
God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You
Ohhh
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
Ohhh
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
What's my Role?
I believe that people come in and out of our lives for reasons - some very specific and some more general. Sometimes it's someone that needs our help and sometimes it's someone that helps us. I also know that God sets up divine interventions among people. So after a relaxing yet chaotic weekend in Indy I'm left wondering what is my role, my purpose in my friends life?
I don't want to complain, or air dirty laundry but I do want to paint a picture. He has been one of my bestest friends for 3 -ish years. He has been through soo very much crap with me, and empowered me in all that I do. He has motivated me, been there for late night calls, provided for me, and just been an amazing man! Except - he's not Christian, and he happens to prefer men. Now, the fact that he is gay is not really the concern. The concern is that he does not know Jesus or seem to have a desire to invest in such a relationship. I understand the drama and politics that surround being gay and going to church, I understand that it can be a big taboo thing for churches still today. Let me be clear in saying that I do not believe homosexuality, or cross dressing, or gender switching is biblical, or Godly - it's a sin. Just as alcoholism, drinking, smoking, lying, cheating, gossiping, decieving, premarital sex, pronography, etc, etc, etc is a sin. But I don't want to have the "how should the church treat gays" talk - In fact I recommend a book my friend gave to me "Love is an Orientation" for people who are interesting in that.
What I'm trying to sort through is my specific role in this specific friend's life!
This weekend we went out to a gay bar, and mind you, I went willingly!!! I never once complained or sighed about it, I was kind of excited to be able to support my friend in this environment. But he had been drinking and when we got there he started to try and dance up on me. When I told him he was being obnoxious and that I wanted him to stop, he got very offended. He called me a gay hater, he mockingly said "oh, you're going to pray for them later", he said that I didn't want to be touched because I was going to church the next day. His words cut - I wanted to cry on the spot, but I didn't - in fact I did say a prayer (that I didn't punch him in his face) :)
These words hurt for several reasons - I thought he knew me better than that and like I said I went willing. I'm not a gay hater, I LOVE my friend and all of his friends (most of whom are gay). Yes I was uncomfortable but it was not because of the gay-ness going on around me - it was just b/c there were people grinding all over each other, practically having sex on the dance floor with my clothes on, and playing tonsil hockey all around me (some of them were legit guy, girl couples) I just don't want to be bumping and grinding anymore - is that really such a bad thing?? THe other reason it hurts is for a reason that most people don't know about. I have also struggled with sexual identity - not to the degree that others have but I have. I mean there was a period of time (3 or 4 years) where I refused to buy girls clothes or dress like a girl, I longed to be a guy. And when I used to watch a lot of porn I would watch mostly Lesbian porn. So here I was, in a place where it would have been totally acceptable for me to experiment and do whatever I wanted, but for once the desire wasn't there. And I rejoiced in that desire not existing but I hurt in being called such names.
THe next day rolled around, and we did not speak about it. Nothing was said about the names I was called, nothing was said about me not wanting to dance, nothing was said about the night, except that we had fun. Now, I know he remembers.
The reason this all struck me is b/c at the concert I went to LeCrae was talking about if we really love a person we will help them out - give them gum when their breath stinks, let them know when there is a booger on their face or hanging in their nose, etc...and much more with eternal matters.
So is it odd or wrong that I don't necessarily have that desire, to share the gospel with my friend? That I only feel the desire to show him Christ like love, forgiveness, and compassion?? Is that all my role is? Or is there something I"m missing God??
I don't want to complain, or air dirty laundry but I do want to paint a picture. He has been one of my bestest friends for 3 -ish years. He has been through soo very much crap with me, and empowered me in all that I do. He has motivated me, been there for late night calls, provided for me, and just been an amazing man! Except - he's not Christian, and he happens to prefer men. Now, the fact that he is gay is not really the concern. The concern is that he does not know Jesus or seem to have a desire to invest in such a relationship. I understand the drama and politics that surround being gay and going to church, I understand that it can be a big taboo thing for churches still today. Let me be clear in saying that I do not believe homosexuality, or cross dressing, or gender switching is biblical, or Godly - it's a sin. Just as alcoholism, drinking, smoking, lying, cheating, gossiping, decieving, premarital sex, pronography, etc, etc, etc is a sin. But I don't want to have the "how should the church treat gays" talk - In fact I recommend a book my friend gave to me "Love is an Orientation" for people who are interesting in that.
What I'm trying to sort through is my specific role in this specific friend's life!
This weekend we went out to a gay bar, and mind you, I went willingly!!! I never once complained or sighed about it, I was kind of excited to be able to support my friend in this environment. But he had been drinking and when we got there he started to try and dance up on me. When I told him he was being obnoxious and that I wanted him to stop, he got very offended. He called me a gay hater, he mockingly said "oh, you're going to pray for them later", he said that I didn't want to be touched because I was going to church the next day. His words cut - I wanted to cry on the spot, but I didn't - in fact I did say a prayer (that I didn't punch him in his face) :)
These words hurt for several reasons - I thought he knew me better than that and like I said I went willing. I'm not a gay hater, I LOVE my friend and all of his friends (most of whom are gay). Yes I was uncomfortable but it was not because of the gay-ness going on around me - it was just b/c there were people grinding all over each other, practically having sex on the dance floor with my clothes on, and playing tonsil hockey all around me (some of them were legit guy, girl couples) I just don't want to be bumping and grinding anymore - is that really such a bad thing?? THe other reason it hurts is for a reason that most people don't know about. I have also struggled with sexual identity - not to the degree that others have but I have. I mean there was a period of time (3 or 4 years) where I refused to buy girls clothes or dress like a girl, I longed to be a guy. And when I used to watch a lot of porn I would watch mostly Lesbian porn. So here I was, in a place where it would have been totally acceptable for me to experiment and do whatever I wanted, but for once the desire wasn't there. And I rejoiced in that desire not existing but I hurt in being called such names.
THe next day rolled around, and we did not speak about it. Nothing was said about the names I was called, nothing was said about me not wanting to dance, nothing was said about the night, except that we had fun. Now, I know he remembers.
The reason this all struck me is b/c at the concert I went to LeCrae was talking about if we really love a person we will help them out - give them gum when their breath stinks, let them know when there is a booger on their face or hanging in their nose, etc...and much more with eternal matters.
So is it odd or wrong that I don't necessarily have that desire, to share the gospel with my friend? That I only feel the desire to show him Christ like love, forgiveness, and compassion?? Is that all my role is? Or is there something I"m missing God??
pottery
Last week when I was visiting Nic in Indianappolis, we went to an awesome church on Sunday! The Pastor was talking about God shaping us, as we are clay. That's an analogy that I have always loved and related to, because it's so visual and I do much better with things when I can visualize them. A potter knows the exact mixture that is in the clay, he knows exactly what to add or take away, which way to move his hands, where to put the curves or the handle or the spoout. There is nothing that arises that a potter can not take care of an correct to make the perfect pot/vase/animal. And each piece of pottery has it's own specific purpose. I mean, could that sound anymore like God?? That he knows everything about us! And that he designed each person so specifically- no mistakes were made and that he's continually molding us for a specific purpose. Even when we do not know what we should be, God does.
Not to mention, that God made man out of the dirt - kinda like a potter - weird huh?? :) :) :)
So I looked up some verses about pottery and I like to meditate on them - so here they are.
Isaiah 29:16 You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
"He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter,
"He knows nothing"?
Isaiah 64:7-9 7 No one calls on your name
or strives to lay hold of you;
for you have hidden your face from us
and made us waste away because of our sins.
8 Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
9 Do not be angry beyond measure, O LORD;
do not remember our sins forever.
Oh, look upon us, we pray,
for we are all your people.
Jeremiah 18:2-4 2 "Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message." 3 So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
Jeremiah 18:5 &6 5 Then the word of the LORD came to me: 6 "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.
Romans 9:20-22 20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "[a] 21Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?
22What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction?
Not to mention, that God made man out of the dirt - kinda like a potter - weird huh?? :) :) :)
So I looked up some verses about pottery and I like to meditate on them - so here they are.
Isaiah 29:16 You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
"He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter,
"He knows nothing"?
Isaiah 64:7-9 7 No one calls on your name
or strives to lay hold of you;
for you have hidden your face from us
and made us waste away because of our sins.
8 Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
9 Do not be angry beyond measure, O LORD;
do not remember our sins forever.
Oh, look upon us, we pray,
for we are all your people.
Jeremiah 18:2-4 2 "Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message." 3 So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
Jeremiah 18:5 &6 5 Then the word of the LORD came to me: 6 "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.
Romans 9:20-22 20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "[a] 21Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?
22What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction?
*Alter'd Mind*
Friday night was amazing!! My friend Joe had invited me out to his church for a Lecrae concert, he had told me about it 2 months ago and I was stoked. When Friday came I was pumped for some amazing music - LeCrae, Tedashii, After Edmund and Mikeschair. By the end of the night I had gotten so much more than a concert! It was a concert saturated in Jesus and the core of my being just soaked it up. That was the first Christian concert I had ever been to and it just rocked me. The name of the tour is called Alter Your Mind and it’s 2 hip hop/rap artists and 2 rock bands - and their purpose is to demonstrate that it doesn’t matter what kind of music you like but to bring people together for God and His Kingdom. Each group shared bits and pieces of their heart but LeCrae and Tedashii really hit it home for me.
They just made sure that the glory was going to God - and LeCrae even took the time to slow down his rhymes and asked the audience to do a heart check and make sure that we weren’t just repeating words that didn’t have meaning behind them. Between most every song scripture was read and referenced. We were challenged to really seek out where we find our identity - in Christ or in the things of this world. Reminded that in Christ we are a new creation (2 Cor 5:17- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!) and that our life styles should show that we have changed and that there’s something different about believers. The illustrations were so powerful. Reminders that feelings and instincts will often lead you to death - just as they do animals. My heart was rocked, broken down and soo very moved.
At one point LeCrae was talking about feeling overlooked during his youth and challenging us to take the time to invest in people who will often get overlooked. And maybe it was my pride, or maybe it was an affirmation, but I smiled on the inside and thought I have 6:) Then I started to think, wow, I do - I have 6 (soon to be 7) young boys that I have the opportunity to invest in. To share with, to help grow, to show Christ like love to and to minister to. And that’s how I want to look at it . I want to see it as an opportunity to share with them not a burden to raise them. I mean I know that some days it really is a burden and when they are throwing things at me, and trying to hurt each other it is hard to show them that unconditional kind of love….but isn’t that what God does for us? No matter how many times we spit in his face, turn our backs, mock him, and disobey - He’s still there, with loving arms to forgive us and welcome us back home. Besides, the kids in my house have pretty much lost their guardians, if I can’t/don’t show them love then who will? This job was sooooooo obviously chosen by God for me to have that I cannot sit back and expect someone else to show them love and kindness. It’s a cold and dark world - and for some reason my home is the place that God would like me to begin to show warmth and light. And I KNOW that a task like this cannot be done on my own strength at all, not even a little bit!!
Then a little later it was weird, LeCrae was talking about the ministry organization Reach Life, that he supports, and how they go to the inner city and places where people don’t usually go. He was saying that he knows not everyone is called to go out and do this type of ministry. And I swear to you that I nearly had to cover my mouth cuz I was about to just blurt out “I am”. I don’t mean like the words were said and then I pondered for a moment and then the words were going to come out of my mouth. NO! I mean like the words weren’t even out of LeCrae’s mouth yet and the “I am” phrase was already in my mouth. I just kind of smiled, and was like - okay God - when? And I just got this sense of - you will, just not now. So who knows when “you will” will have it’s time.
But PRIASE GOD for an amazing night, friends, convictions, and solid truth!!!
They just made sure that the glory was going to God - and LeCrae even took the time to slow down his rhymes and asked the audience to do a heart check and make sure that we weren’t just repeating words that didn’t have meaning behind them. Between most every song scripture was read and referenced. We were challenged to really seek out where we find our identity - in Christ or in the things of this world. Reminded that in Christ we are a new creation (2 Cor 5:17- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!) and that our life styles should show that we have changed and that there’s something different about believers. The illustrations were so powerful. Reminders that feelings and instincts will often lead you to death - just as they do animals. My heart was rocked, broken down and soo very moved.
At one point LeCrae was talking about feeling overlooked during his youth and challenging us to take the time to invest in people who will often get overlooked. And maybe it was my pride, or maybe it was an affirmation, but I smiled on the inside and thought I have 6:) Then I started to think, wow, I do - I have 6 (soon to be 7) young boys that I have the opportunity to invest in. To share with, to help grow, to show Christ like love to and to minister to. And that’s how I want to look at it . I want to see it as an opportunity to share with them not a burden to raise them. I mean I know that some days it really is a burden and when they are throwing things at me, and trying to hurt each other it is hard to show them that unconditional kind of love….but isn’t that what God does for us? No matter how many times we spit in his face, turn our backs, mock him, and disobey - He’s still there, with loving arms to forgive us and welcome us back home. Besides, the kids in my house have pretty much lost their guardians, if I can’t/don’t show them love then who will? This job was sooooooo obviously chosen by God for me to have that I cannot sit back and expect someone else to show them love and kindness. It’s a cold and dark world - and for some reason my home is the place that God would like me to begin to show warmth and light. And I KNOW that a task like this cannot be done on my own strength at all, not even a little bit!!
Then a little later it was weird, LeCrae was talking about the ministry organization Reach Life, that he supports, and how they go to the inner city and places where people don’t usually go. He was saying that he knows not everyone is called to go out and do this type of ministry. And I swear to you that I nearly had to cover my mouth cuz I was about to just blurt out “I am”. I don’t mean like the words were said and then I pondered for a moment and then the words were going to come out of my mouth. NO! I mean like the words weren’t even out of LeCrae’s mouth yet and the “I am” phrase was already in my mouth. I just kind of smiled, and was like - okay God - when? And I just got this sense of - you will, just not now. So who knows when “you will” will have it’s time.
But PRIASE GOD for an amazing night, friends, convictions, and solid truth!!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Hodge Podge of an over stimulated mind
It's been such an odd week. I've done a lot of processing, more than i think my brain can truly bear. I had a great talking with my friend Angie about latching on to guys and feeling lonely. And she reminded me that only God can truly fufill that loneliness and that it won't be easy. She also reminded me how important it is to be in prayer about it - to not latch on to guys and distort what is actually going on.
I also had the realization (all by myself) that I'm worth waiting for!! I've been paying better attention to the types of conversations that I have with guys. I told my other friend that I want a strong Christian man - Not some fake Christian, and no one is perfect - but a genuine believing strong leader. I know that sometimes I can be a strong woman and I know that I have worn the pants in most of my relationships. But I don't want to anymore. And I'm not going to make myself less strong just so that a guy can seem stronger. Something just clicked this week that God has a man for me, that will be a strong leader, that has been designed to fit me and I to fit him. Now, will that stop me from trying?? Maybe not lol but it has been making more cautious.
TOnight I finally created some time for myself and read in my Healing for Damaged Emotions book about grace and perfectionism. THe author talks about people who feel like God is a perfectionist and that they will never meet his approval. He brought up how grace is undeserved, yes, but it is a free gift bestowed upon us from God that He wants to give!!! Which just reminded me of Ephesians 2:8 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. ....Grace is just such an odd concept. I have a hard time with it from timeto time. I'm thankful that God forgives us and I believe that He does forgive me BUT I have a hard time accepting that. I still find myself thinking that I don't deserve it and then feeling bad about receiving this grace (which was given to me). And it's one of those things that I struggle with on earth as well = I have a hard time accepting things from people. Now I have gotten MUCH better with it over the years BUT it's still there.
THe end of the chapter is Matthew 11:28-30 and talking about how Jesus calls us to give us rest, to take his grace and allow our lives to be transformed.
Matthew 11:28-30 28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I know that nothing will end over night, and I'm rejoicing in how far I have come but it's what's on my mind. I'm excited for the next chapter "THe process of the healing for perfectionism" and it starts with Isaiah 53:4-6, 12
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, [a]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong, [b]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.
Prayer request of the week - that my brain stops being ADD long enough to hear God and relax in Him.
I also had the realization (all by myself) that I'm worth waiting for!! I've been paying better attention to the types of conversations that I have with guys. I told my other friend that I want a strong Christian man - Not some fake Christian, and no one is perfect - but a genuine believing strong leader. I know that sometimes I can be a strong woman and I know that I have worn the pants in most of my relationships. But I don't want to anymore. And I'm not going to make myself less strong just so that a guy can seem stronger. Something just clicked this week that God has a man for me, that will be a strong leader, that has been designed to fit me and I to fit him. Now, will that stop me from trying?? Maybe not lol but it has been making more cautious.
TOnight I finally created some time for myself and read in my Healing for Damaged Emotions book about grace and perfectionism. THe author talks about people who feel like God is a perfectionist and that they will never meet his approval. He brought up how grace is undeserved, yes, but it is a free gift bestowed upon us from God that He wants to give!!! Which just reminded me of Ephesians 2:8 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. ....Grace is just such an odd concept. I have a hard time with it from timeto time. I'm thankful that God forgives us and I believe that He does forgive me BUT I have a hard time accepting that. I still find myself thinking that I don't deserve it and then feeling bad about receiving this grace (which was given to me). And it's one of those things that I struggle with on earth as well = I have a hard time accepting things from people. Now I have gotten MUCH better with it over the years BUT it's still there.
THe end of the chapter is Matthew 11:28-30 and talking about how Jesus calls us to give us rest, to take his grace and allow our lives to be transformed.
Matthew 11:28-30 28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I know that nothing will end over night, and I'm rejoicing in how far I have come but it's what's on my mind. I'm excited for the next chapter "THe process of the healing for perfectionism" and it starts with Isaiah 53:4-6, 12
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, [a]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong, [b]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.
Prayer request of the week - that my brain stops being ADD long enough to hear God and relax in Him.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Psalm 34
Every now and then ya read scripture and it just strikes you. I can't explain exactly why but I can say that as I read it my world stopped! The thoughts stopped racing, the to do list paused itself and I just read it aloud 3 or 4 times.
Psalm 34
Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.
1 [a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.
Psalm 34
Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.
1 [a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
whinning to God
Sometimes it just sucks. I have found myself whinning to God.
God, why do I feel so alone? I just want someone to go out and do things with - it could even be a female friend but of course I would prefer to be dating someone. I don't want to give up! I'm tired of going places by myself, sitting in a church with hundreds of people alone, lacking spiritual conversations and any socialization. I know that this is where you want me to be - but why? I feel the brick wall. Satan is a jerk and he keeps feeding into my lies - trying to tell me that I'm not worthy to be dated, that I'll only have men as friends. Afterall they are married, or gay, or just friends. Ohh he makes me so angry God! I pray in your name Lord that I would not listen to these lies! Lord that I would trust in you, and your timing!! That I would be thankful for all that you have offered and provided. That my mind would stay focused on these children. But God, i want an outlet too! I want a place to relax and rest and reconnect....how do i get that God? I just don't want to feel so alone, God.
God, why do I feel so alone? I just want someone to go out and do things with - it could even be a female friend but of course I would prefer to be dating someone. I don't want to give up! I'm tired of going places by myself, sitting in a church with hundreds of people alone, lacking spiritual conversations and any socialization. I know that this is where you want me to be - but why? I feel the brick wall. Satan is a jerk and he keeps feeding into my lies - trying to tell me that I'm not worthy to be dated, that I'll only have men as friends. Afterall they are married, or gay, or just friends. Ohh he makes me so angry God! I pray in your name Lord that I would not listen to these lies! Lord that I would trust in you, and your timing!! That I would be thankful for all that you have offered and provided. That my mind would stay focused on these children. But God, i want an outlet too! I want a place to relax and rest and reconnect....how do i get that God? I just don't want to feel so alone, God.
Friday, October 9, 2009
The battle continues
I finally had some time off on a real weekend to hang out with adults: ya know people my age, without having to watch children, people I didn't work with, and just like real people. Ohh my goodness I was soo stoked! Beyond stoked actually, I praised GOd for getting some time approved to have a portion of a social life - even if it was only for a couple hours - it was a couple hours more than usual. I went, I had a great time! I was strong - I didn't drink any alcohol, I didn't make out or anything with any of the guys (which is good cuz most of them were married lol)!! I did get a number though, and I got like a lil school girl.
We talked and all I could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop"? I wanted so bad to be optimistic but in the back of my head were all these lies circulating. How disgusting, that I had to convince myself that I was worth someone's time, that I can be liked for who I am and not have to put out to gain attention and respect. Ughh, I felt like such a high school drama queen. It took a day for my nerves and anxiety to rear their way into conversations. I tried to pray but I couldn't find the words. So the gaurds went up - hard core! I could practically feel the cement growing. So just because I can't convince myself that I'm likeable I overkilled my chance for someone to even get to know me. THank you horrible self talk and satan for your lies.
But what is the lie? Do I really think that I'm not a likeable person?? I don't think that's the case because I have friends lol And I think that they atleast like me. God, what is this lie that has been created in me? I don't want to make satan smile, I don't want satan to gain an ounce back of all that I have taken back.
I try to pray and the words flee from me. Last night I pulled up Romans8:26 -In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. - And I began to read over it again and again. I received no words, but I felt a peace.
I feel worthless in my groans because they make no sense to me- but I pray that I remember the groans mean something to God and I pray for sensitive ears to hear what He has to say in response.
We talked and all I could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop"? I wanted so bad to be optimistic but in the back of my head were all these lies circulating. How disgusting, that I had to convince myself that I was worth someone's time, that I can be liked for who I am and not have to put out to gain attention and respect. Ughh, I felt like such a high school drama queen. It took a day for my nerves and anxiety to rear their way into conversations. I tried to pray but I couldn't find the words. So the gaurds went up - hard core! I could practically feel the cement growing. So just because I can't convince myself that I'm likeable I overkilled my chance for someone to even get to know me. THank you horrible self talk and satan for your lies.
But what is the lie? Do I really think that I'm not a likeable person?? I don't think that's the case because I have friends lol And I think that they atleast like me. God, what is this lie that has been created in me? I don't want to make satan smile, I don't want satan to gain an ounce back of all that I have taken back.
I try to pray and the words flee from me. Last night I pulled up Romans8:26 -In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. - And I began to read over it again and again. I received no words, but I felt a peace.
I feel worthless in my groans because they make no sense to me- but I pray that I remember the groans mean something to God and I pray for sensitive ears to hear what He has to say in response.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
looking glass self
I was just reading through one of my books and I came across this....
One of the characteristics of the child is that he knows and understand things partially. Part of growing up into mature love is to reach a fuller, face to face understanding. Our pictures and our feelings about ourselves come largely from the pictures and the feelings we see reflected in our family members - what we watch in their expressions, hear from the tone in their voices, and see from their actions. These reflections tell us not only who we are, but also what we are going to become. As the reflections gradually become part of us, we take on the shape of the person we see in the family looking glass. pg 86, David Seamands
As I read over that, i couldn't help but think of my kids. Ya know,some weeks they are rough and it seems like all they do is get in trouble and purposefully tick us off. But what type of mirror am I creating for these children? Am I nourishing their creativity? Encouraging them to be the best that they can be? Am I showing them affection and love? Or am I just agitated, and adding to the horrible image that their legal guardians have already placed upon them?
I know that we all aren't perfect and that we're all going to have bad days. But it seems like this is something that I need to be more aware of, as I raise these kids - and any other kids that come my way.
One of the characteristics of the child is that he knows and understand things partially. Part of growing up into mature love is to reach a fuller, face to face understanding. Our pictures and our feelings about ourselves come largely from the pictures and the feelings we see reflected in our family members - what we watch in their expressions, hear from the tone in their voices, and see from their actions. These reflections tell us not only who we are, but also what we are going to become. As the reflections gradually become part of us, we take on the shape of the person we see in the family looking glass. pg 86, David Seamands
As I read over that, i couldn't help but think of my kids. Ya know,some weeks they are rough and it seems like all they do is get in trouble and purposefully tick us off. But what type of mirror am I creating for these children? Am I nourishing their creativity? Encouraging them to be the best that they can be? Am I showing them affection and love? Or am I just agitated, and adding to the horrible image that their legal guardians have already placed upon them?
I know that we all aren't perfect and that we're all going to have bad days. But it seems like this is something that I need to be more aware of, as I raise these kids - and any other kids that come my way.
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