Things that start with S

Some words that come to mind are stupid, spit, shit, shower, stunned, and satan. So let's make a sentence using all these words. I would like to SHOWER SATAN wtih SPIT because SATAN has STUNNED me and i am SURROUNDED by STUPID SHIT. Now that that is out of the way.....

I'm tired of saying and thinking that nothing makes sense. It has been so long since I have felt numb and confused for such a length of time. My fabulous new work schedule is not working out as wonderfully as I had planned though, I do get to go to church every sunday which has been such an amazing blessing that words cannot even begin to describe.

Everytime I have thought or looked into going toschool, it doesn't feel right, and I feel like I am looking into a dead end.

Work has turned into my co-workers complaining to me about other people and I can't wrap my brain around their logic for what they do or say half the time.

Things with Rob are touch and go - mostly because of the spiritual battle which has ensued in both our lives. Rob has things that he still needs to sort through and I need to be able to let him do that at his own pace.

I found out last night that the couple who moved into Tennessee, which would have moved me out anyway, is going to be leaving at the end of the month. Tennessee home is just not what they anticipated cuz of the boys' behaviors. I have headed angie's advice to pray (almost daily) for those boys and acknowledge that they are not actually mine and turn them over,daily to God - to help ease the pain of my frustration and the pain of "losing" them in my life. To realize that it could not be my responsibility to "fix" things that went on in that house. But I also have never felt a love so real and so strong, as the love that I felt for those boys. For boys that weren't even mine or related. I am having a harder time feeling that love with my little people and they are little people who are much less rational and logical.

The main reason that I left TN to begin with was to have the oppertunity to grow closer to God, and I have not exactly followed thru on that - yes I have gone to church more but I can't say that I feel closer or that I have a deeper understanding. Is it possible that I'm really attached to the boys?? yes, I think- wait i KNOW - I am. I don't want to go back to be the drill sargent and be the one that whips them back into shape b/c I think I am the only one that can. But, I do want to show them unconditional love and with that does come the discipline - and the fun trips to go places - and the random conversations about the sky being cloudy and it being put in timeout all day.

But is that really what I should do? Where will I find this clarity? How do I block out the confusion and the darkness long enough to hear God's still and quiet voice? I prayed and cried last night, until I feel asleep and I finally felt some pressure lifted from my heart. But I can still feel soo much more.

I need SILENCE to hear what I am SUPPOSED to do in the STICKY SITUATION without losing SANITY.