eat your words

Eat Your Words So, ya know that moment when you are sharing wisdom or advice with someone and it dawns on you that though you may be helping that person you were really talking to yourself? Ya, that happened to me today; and I could just feel God smiling and saying “if that’s what it takes to realize what I’ve been trying to say, then so be it” :) Ya know in that friendly and loving way not in a mean guilt ridden kind of way. So I was listening to a challenge/frustration that my friend had and felt prompted to share something that I feel like I might have learned. Turns out it’s something I’m still learning. What did I say? Well if you must know: There have been countless situations that to me seemed very logical and practical but have fallen through. In the end I realized I still want to give my plan to God and ask Him to bless it b/c I am terrified to wait to listen to Him. It's hard man, I wish I could say that it wasn't. But what I can encourage you with is that when we are willing to wait, the results are far greater than anything we could have planned ourselves. so if I may, I will pull out the mama card and give you a suggestion....Take some solid time doing something that allows you to hear God the best. Make an effort to rid yourself of distractions. And be willing to just be in His presence and listen. Some pretty solid words, right? Of course they are. So, why did they hit me so hard? Well, I’ve been having a small boxing match with God. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a do-er. I love being on the move, being involved and filling up my days. In addition, I feel like I have a HUGE dream to begin working out involving under resourced teens in aurora. As another friend gave me some practical steps to get this dream going I did not feel a complete peace about moving forward. Not to mention at the end of my summer I got this word “Don’t worry if they pace of your next season does not match the pace of this summer. God is not concerned about your speed but your depth and trust in Him.” So what have I been up to the last few weeks? Trying to figure out how quickly I can apply to grad school, where the best & closest schools are so that I can still work at Walgreens while I take classes, etc, etc, etc…Now I am no genius here, but it seems to me that I have created a divide or hypocrisy, if you will, about what I have said and what I am doing. All in all it reminded me to two bible passages today. Luke 10: 38-42 (the story of Mary & Martha) and Mark 14:1-9 (Jesus anointed at Bethany). Going back to school asap might be a really great idea and super practical but it might not be the best thing that I can do at this moment. In addition, God knows the youth that I want to reach and He knows that they are there; He also know that I can’t reach them without being rooted, solidly, in Him. The bottom line is, I don’t know the whole picture and I can’t see it like He can. So for as hard as it is I am going to eat my own words, trust Him, and actually listen to Him before I move. Maybe the plan will be the same or maybe it will be something completely different; that my friends is up to Him.

Pine Tree

Today I feel like a pine tree. Ya, a pine tree. It’s been a whirl wind of a few months, maybe I will write about that later; however, this morning I just felt blah. I didn’t want to get out of bed and frankly nothing seemed to be important. After talking with this pretty awesome lady, I started to think of a pine tree. Have you ever gone to cut down a pine tree? Or bought a live one for the winter holidays?? If you have you may have seen this awesome device that shakes and nets the tree. Once you cut the tree down and drag it to the car some of the needles that were loose begin to fall off. Well when you get it to the netting station they put it on this thing, a big circular device, and they turn it on while they hold the stem. This allows the tree to really be shaken. While it is being shaken the dead needles and branches that were stuck on the inside begin to fall out. With the tree in its best shape it is then thrown through a netter and hoisted up on the car for you to take home and decorate. So why do I feel like a pine tree today? Well, because I feel like I’m on that big circle device being shaken like crazy to get all the dead stuff out. It’s like I’m carrying around all this extra weight that isn’t even mine to touch, let alone hold onto. And I know that it isn’t mine, but for some reason I keep reaching down to pick it up and carry it along my journey. Then today, for whatever reason today, the shaking has begun. I mean it knew stuff was there, but today if felt like God really went to take it away from me and instead of surrendering it to Him, I clung onto it. Like when you are a kid and your favorite toy is destroyed and instead of letting your parents fix it or get you a new one, you insist on playing with a broken toy that no longer works? It’s like that. I keep insisting on being surrounded with brokenness but God is there, reminding me that Jesus took care of that on the cross, and reaching out to give me wholeness; but for some reason I’m a little afraid. So ya, today, I am that pine tree being shaken. Why won’t I just let go? I’m not sure. Pride. Pain. Fear. A feeling of responsibility that is not mine. There are so many burdens that I have released to Him over the last 8 years…..please pray that I don’t stop now. That I let Him shake the dead out of me, literally.

This Summer....

This summer I have had the privilege of working with the College Bound 1 teenagers. There are countless memories and lessons that I have learned this summer, and trying to find a place to begin is difficult. I learned that you can sow hair onto your head, you should not get a weave wet, that a perm straightens your hair, and that you can wrap your hair with a scarf. Not to mention that most of my clothes are out of style, flares are really only for white people and it’s necessarily to bring at least 5 pairs of shoes for a week of camp. Clearly I had forgotten what it means to be a teenager. Not to mention the new phrases I learned like “bean head”, “finna”, “you be stressin’ me”, “yolo” and “you’re doin’ to much”. Needless to say there was never a dull moment. On a more serious note I learned the importance of having fun and being present with people. My beautiful teens daily reminded me about the importance of having fun and relaxing. Of just being in the same room together to paint nails, or coloring, or anything really, as long as we were together. We had some worked on some great projects: putting together a Lecrae picture puzzle, going into Chicago to feed the homeless and various other activities. We also had some intense card games going on. It was a joy to have devotionals and listen to their questions. To encourage them in their walk, and to be able to love them exactly where they are at. To watch them learn and to watch them grow. To share about life. To tell stories. To listen to stories. To pray together. To laugh together. Don’t get me wrong there were days that were hard. Days that we fought. Days that made it seem like the summer was going to drag on forever. But, we got through those days, and I believe that we will forever be stronger for them. I had no idea what to expect when I signed up for this job, but I couldn’t have imagined a more fulfilling summer than I had this summer.