I've avoided my blog for some time now. I wasn't living the way that I thought I should be living and din't have a desire to share that, I was embarrased. The last few months have been soo fast and full that I don't even know how to begin to sum them up, other than trying. I belive that sometimes it is important and almsot necessary to dig into the depths of what was to sort the mess of what is. But sometimes I think what was needs to simply be laid to rest.
There was nothing super tragic that happened to me - Somewhere around 5th grade there was a shift in my thinking and I remember my world turning sexual - not that I was having sex, or even preforming sexual acts. I know that having a father who always worked made me sad that he wasn't at home with the "family" and that it's possible I still hold on to that - in fact I know that it still affects me. It seemed that we/I was not worth his time and that is why he did not leave work. I know that it is not the case - whether his decision to work assanine hours was the right decision for the family is not something that will benefit me to pursue. My mother and I always butted heads and continue to do so to this day - she is a huge people pleaser and since she was the one who primarily raised me, it rubbed off on me. My sister was seemingly the favorite and the better looking daughter, and that impression continues to be placed upon me.
Then there was the "normal" growing up crap of having my heart broken, moving towns, being betrayed, hating authority, blah blah blah. THen there were the eating disorders, the suicidal ideation, the friends who tried to commit suicide and the like. The working and going to school and being in a competative marching band and trying to fill all the voids in my life with boys.
And there ya have most of my 24 years of life summarrized in less than a page.
In all of that I've realized that the details of the past aren't important. Like the cliche says - what matters is what I do with it. Am I going to sit and sort through it and find my exact pain? no- I'm not.
I heard an awesome service the other day, that brought me to tears - before the pastor even began to speak. I don't even remember the songs that we sung for music worship, but I just closed my eyes and started to pray - Dear God, break down these walls, break the wall of my desire to drink to avoid feeling, break the wall of running to a man, break the wall of bitterness....over and over I just repeated those words and as we continued to sing I started to cry. I wish that the kids weren't with me and I would have fallen to my knees and balled. I don't know what brought those feeling up inside me, but they were and I'm glad.
I'm putting alcohol aside - there's no need to mask the feelings that I have. I've gone 3 months with no sexual activity (except the one guy I kissed) and I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 months as well. I wish that my time frames were longer but those were my choices. And I know that I need to start small to build up - to be a woman of God.
I've been trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, and what I'm thinking about. It's hard - and my dreams are the worst as they are usually about sex.
In addition there will be no more estrogen pills - they didn't help to balance out my hormones and they only made me more emotional, bloated and aggitated. My body just has more testosterone than it should and I will deal with that on a needs be basis (so like when I get married and want to have a baby).
I've been doing my best to read a psalm a day and I'm making some headway.
My goals currently are:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with GOd in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something GOd is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings
Monday, September 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Prayer
I read a simple statement today that got me to thinkin' about how I view my prayer life. In a book I'm reading it said that "Expressing thoughts and feelings may help us feel better, but prayer is not simply a divine therapy session. In prayer, the God of creation gives us direction."
I believe it is important to talk to God about how we feel, and what's going on in our mind. Lately though, I find myself stopping after I complain, or cry, or vent. I've forgotten how important it is to ask God for his direction, how to handle the pain, what's next in my life, etc.
God is soo much more than a sounding board and I need to remember that!
I believe it is important to talk to God about how we feel, and what's going on in our mind. Lately though, I find myself stopping after I complain, or cry, or vent. I've forgotten how important it is to ask God for his direction, how to handle the pain, what's next in my life, etc.
God is soo much more than a sounding board and I need to remember that!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
It is what it is
*This is a rated R post for sexual content*
For the last few months I have been reading thru Captivating with a friend, have been doing devotionals from a book called Fearless, and recently began counseling again. My life is saturated with digging and prying, and finding the causes of the wounds.
I have had amazing counseling sessions and then I have had ones where it was like running up against a brick wall. I have had the most disturbing of dreams, that I believe came from God, and then again I've had nights where I slept so very peacefully. I still am not able to attend a church service (just the so so one that I am required to bring my children to every Sunday morning).
Today, instead of working backwards (looking into my childhood to explain my life now) my brain started to relive and be completely absorbed in my california life. My internship in California brought about many of it's own struggles, but none of them were as hard to recover from as the relationship that occurred while I was out there. One of my "wounds" and "self talk" and "fears" is that if I am not offering a man physical pleasure, he will not stay around, and that it's the only way I can hold his interest. No wound was pried into more, than that wound. I went 4 months without having many friends - male or female - and then a lady finally set me up on a date. We spent the whole evening hanging out, talking, listening to Christian music and when it got time to be dropped off, we started kissing. THe next night he came over late and spent the night and we had sex, let me rephrase that, he penetrated me. I had said no, when he had made the suggestion - but an hour later, there he was, on top of me- what was I to do? I felt like crap, i cried, I couldn't sleep - it had been 4 years since I had actually had sex, and now in one night that record was gone.
Despite talking about it with him, it happened again. Yet, I continued to call him, he brought me lunches and dinners. We went to the movies and the beaches. He came to church with me every Sunday morning. After all, it had to be consensual cuz I never said "no". I was tired of it, I wanted something real, something meaningful. He told me that he loved me, and wanted to marry me and blah blah blah. We did good for like a month, and then after a long talk about not wanting to anymore, that I was afraid, he said he understood. That was, until the next day. I asked him to stop, I said no -nicely- but he still got what he wanted. All in that moment I simply wished i was dead.
Every little fear from any previous relationship all came rushing forward. I had let this happen, it was my fault, I deserved it. All my years of being a teenager I had wondered what it was like to be raped (cuz my cousin was continually raped by her boyfriends) and when I was younger, I thought that if something traumatic like that happened to me that maybe it would explain the rest of my depression.
Well here it was, it was rape. I lost the energy to fight. He never left a mark on me, he never hit me, but he did take something from me that I wasn't ready to give him.
In all my insecurities and my fears, I stayed with him. Sure we argued about it, sure I said I felt like I was raped but of course he didn't agree.Of course we argued daily when I didn't want to kiss him, when I told him I didn't trust him, when I told him I didn't love him. But every day he was there, and he kept calling.
So, it is what it is - I was raped. I never told anyone. How do you tell someone that? I may have told one person, and that person didn't have much to say.
Why does it matter? It matters because I can't move on from it. It matters because I'm still stuck in that place, in those fears and emerged in that wound. I haven't forgiven him and I haven't really moved on. Instead I've had sexual escapades with guys from my past to try and fill that hurtful void, I've watched other people having sex- to feel their pain and get pleasure without doing it myself - and I've held onto shallow relationships in an attempt to find meaning again.
In the last few weeks I have tired - I've stopped talking with guys who only want to talk about sex, I've taken phone numbers out of my phone, and I've told a few people to stop calling.But removing myself from the situation is not really enough. All I've done is escaped and avoided the pain. I'm not sure how to face the pain and move forward.
What is it going to look like to forgive and begin to move forward? Forgive him, and forgive myself? To de-saturate my brain from these thoughts and images? To take back the life I was meant to have?
For the last few months I have been reading thru Captivating with a friend, have been doing devotionals from a book called Fearless, and recently began counseling again. My life is saturated with digging and prying, and finding the causes of the wounds.
I have had amazing counseling sessions and then I have had ones where it was like running up against a brick wall. I have had the most disturbing of dreams, that I believe came from God, and then again I've had nights where I slept so very peacefully. I still am not able to attend a church service (just the so so one that I am required to bring my children to every Sunday morning).
Today, instead of working backwards (looking into my childhood to explain my life now) my brain started to relive and be completely absorbed in my california life. My internship in California brought about many of it's own struggles, but none of them were as hard to recover from as the relationship that occurred while I was out there. One of my "wounds" and "self talk" and "fears" is that if I am not offering a man physical pleasure, he will not stay around, and that it's the only way I can hold his interest. No wound was pried into more, than that wound. I went 4 months without having many friends - male or female - and then a lady finally set me up on a date. We spent the whole evening hanging out, talking, listening to Christian music and when it got time to be dropped off, we started kissing. THe next night he came over late and spent the night and we had sex, let me rephrase that, he penetrated me. I had said no, when he had made the suggestion - but an hour later, there he was, on top of me- what was I to do? I felt like crap, i cried, I couldn't sleep - it had been 4 years since I had actually had sex, and now in one night that record was gone.
Despite talking about it with him, it happened again. Yet, I continued to call him, he brought me lunches and dinners. We went to the movies and the beaches. He came to church with me every Sunday morning. After all, it had to be consensual cuz I never said "no". I was tired of it, I wanted something real, something meaningful. He told me that he loved me, and wanted to marry me and blah blah blah. We did good for like a month, and then after a long talk about not wanting to anymore, that I was afraid, he said he understood. That was, until the next day. I asked him to stop, I said no -nicely- but he still got what he wanted. All in that moment I simply wished i was dead.
Every little fear from any previous relationship all came rushing forward. I had let this happen, it was my fault, I deserved it. All my years of being a teenager I had wondered what it was like to be raped (cuz my cousin was continually raped by her boyfriends) and when I was younger, I thought that if something traumatic like that happened to me that maybe it would explain the rest of my depression.
Well here it was, it was rape. I lost the energy to fight. He never left a mark on me, he never hit me, but he did take something from me that I wasn't ready to give him.
In all my insecurities and my fears, I stayed with him. Sure we argued about it, sure I said I felt like I was raped but of course he didn't agree.Of course we argued daily when I didn't want to kiss him, when I told him I didn't trust him, when I told him I didn't love him. But every day he was there, and he kept calling.
So, it is what it is - I was raped. I never told anyone. How do you tell someone that? I may have told one person, and that person didn't have much to say.
Why does it matter? It matters because I can't move on from it. It matters because I'm still stuck in that place, in those fears and emerged in that wound. I haven't forgiven him and I haven't really moved on. Instead I've had sexual escapades with guys from my past to try and fill that hurtful void, I've watched other people having sex- to feel their pain and get pleasure without doing it myself - and I've held onto shallow relationships in an attempt to find meaning again.
In the last few weeks I have tired - I've stopped talking with guys who only want to talk about sex, I've taken phone numbers out of my phone, and I've told a few people to stop calling.But removing myself from the situation is not really enough. All I've done is escaped and avoided the pain. I'm not sure how to face the pain and move forward.
What is it going to look like to forgive and begin to move forward? Forgive him, and forgive myself? To de-saturate my brain from these thoughts and images? To take back the life I was meant to have?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
where did it go?
Ya know, I used to care about other people. I was full of mercy, and I loved listening to them tell whatever stories they had. But I don't know where that went. My mercy is not really present. I feel more bitterness now than ever - I feel more cycnical - I feel less caring and I don't feel like me.
I brush off your words, another's feelings are so abstract.
Feeling pushed away to often from others, I've pushed myself away from their words. Words that are seemingly meaningless to me.
I've pushed away from soo much more than words - but also from the only One who can truly love. Too many stupid human wounds, too many stupid free-will choices and too many times of thinking I can do it on my own.
So here I stand (though it's hardly a stance) on my own - not even knowing who I am. Feeling pain, feeling hurt, feeling like I drug myself down to the bottom of the pit with no ladder to get out. Longing to feel the physical pain of my emotional and moral turmoil. Wanting to run and hide from those i have hurt and let down. Caring about little but still not wanting to let go.
Holding on to all that has hurt me and brought me to this place. Desperate to feel something new. Hoping that this time it will be different. Knowing the journey will be long.
I brush off your words, another's feelings are so abstract.
Feeling pushed away to often from others, I've pushed myself away from their words. Words that are seemingly meaningless to me.
I've pushed away from soo much more than words - but also from the only One who can truly love. Too many stupid human wounds, too many stupid free-will choices and too many times of thinking I can do it on my own.
So here I stand (though it's hardly a stance) on my own - not even knowing who I am. Feeling pain, feeling hurt, feeling like I drug myself down to the bottom of the pit with no ladder to get out. Longing to feel the physical pain of my emotional and moral turmoil. Wanting to run and hide from those i have hurt and let down. Caring about little but still not wanting to let go.
Holding on to all that has hurt me and brought me to this place. Desperate to feel something new. Hoping that this time it will be different. Knowing the journey will be long.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
No fear in Belonging
An excerpt from the book I'm going thru
Nothing you do will cause God to love you more or less. God desires that your life is good, full and satisfying. But you can choose and empty, dry life. If you choose to walk away from God, He won't force you to stay. He will allow your decisions to have their full effect.
If you choose not to forgive, you will eventually become bitter
If you choose to continually pursue money, your life will be empty of meaning.
If you choose to use others, you will experience loneliness.
If you choose to walk away from God, you will live a life full of insecurity.
Most of us don't feel worthy to approach God, and we're not. The good thing is that God doesn't look for a perfect person, He looks for a humble heart.
*Fearless*
Nothing you do will cause God to love you more or less. God desires that your life is good, full and satisfying. But you can choose and empty, dry life. If you choose to walk away from God, He won't force you to stay. He will allow your decisions to have their full effect.
If you choose not to forgive, you will eventually become bitter
If you choose to continually pursue money, your life will be empty of meaning.
If you choose to use others, you will experience loneliness.
If you choose to walk away from God, you will live a life full of insecurity.
Most of us don't feel worthy to approach God, and we're not. The good thing is that God doesn't look for a perfect person, He looks for a humble heart.
*Fearless*
Monday, May 4, 2009
God just knew
It’s the small things. God knew what I needed.
Three ladies around a table. A conservative biology germ-aphobe. An engaged mathmetician. A double major “mom” to 7. What in the world could we possibly have in common? But they share 12 years of friendship that bears no end.
The last few weeks have been rough at work. Despite being surrounded by 7 kids all the time and I work with 2 other adults - sometimes, I still feel alone. The long nights at work, the early mornings to give medicines and the paperwork inbetween makes it hard to breathe let alone spend time with God. I try, I try so stinking hard but some days it just feels impossible.
I was going to go spend the night at a guy's house on my days off. I knew that if I went, we would watch some movies, we could cuddle and I could feel affection but i also knew what it would most likely led to. I was excited at the thrill but I was also disgusted that I had this craving for attention cuz this is a circle I keep traveling in. My friend worked til 6pm and I was thinking about takin' the drive out there nonetheless.
I was trying to nap and my phone rang, it was Kristi - reminding me that we had a lunch date - me, kristi & staci. We went to a nice lil tavern and just sat and talked. Then we went and had coffee & dessert at this nice lil coffee shop. We had the most awesome conversations. We were able to talk about God, and Staci's wedding coming up, and the family and the struggles we face. We started to share our dreams and what we want to do in life. I felt so revealed and energized. Beneath the surface we are 3 women who are passionate about life and who want to make a difference in the world and that long to be committed to God (even if I struggle a lot).
We were talking about relationships and I mentioned going b/w wanting to be married right now and not wanting a man to get in the way of my life. Staci wonderfully reminded me of what I secretly knew but didn't want to admit - that the right guy is the one who won't interfere with my dreams. I swear those were the most comforting words I've heard.
Then we decided to watch August Rush together - an amazing stinkin' movie.
All that to say, that God knew exactly what I needed today. My female friends are far and few between. My Christian friends are far and few between. God knew that I needed the reminder, that I needed to feel special today.
I love those two - we have such a special friendship. All the way back to 7th grade when we met because Kristi thought my name was Dennis. We hardly ever hung out with the same people, we were never in the same activities, or into the same sports. We have gone months without talking just cuz life got crazy BUT I know, without a doubt that they will always be there. And I think they know that I am always there for them - the best that I can be. I have learned so much from them and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
It's always nice to feel God's awesomeness, even in the small ways!!
Three ladies around a table. A conservative biology germ-aphobe. An engaged mathmetician. A double major “mom” to 7. What in the world could we possibly have in common? But they share 12 years of friendship that bears no end.
The last few weeks have been rough at work. Despite being surrounded by 7 kids all the time and I work with 2 other adults - sometimes, I still feel alone. The long nights at work, the early mornings to give medicines and the paperwork inbetween makes it hard to breathe let alone spend time with God. I try, I try so stinking hard but some days it just feels impossible.
I was going to go spend the night at a guy's house on my days off. I knew that if I went, we would watch some movies, we could cuddle and I could feel affection but i also knew what it would most likely led to. I was excited at the thrill but I was also disgusted that I had this craving for attention cuz this is a circle I keep traveling in. My friend worked til 6pm and I was thinking about takin' the drive out there nonetheless.
I was trying to nap and my phone rang, it was Kristi - reminding me that we had a lunch date - me, kristi & staci. We went to a nice lil tavern and just sat and talked. Then we went and had coffee & dessert at this nice lil coffee shop. We had the most awesome conversations. We were able to talk about God, and Staci's wedding coming up, and the family and the struggles we face. We started to share our dreams and what we want to do in life. I felt so revealed and energized. Beneath the surface we are 3 women who are passionate about life and who want to make a difference in the world and that long to be committed to God (even if I struggle a lot).
We were talking about relationships and I mentioned going b/w wanting to be married right now and not wanting a man to get in the way of my life. Staci wonderfully reminded me of what I secretly knew but didn't want to admit - that the right guy is the one who won't interfere with my dreams. I swear those were the most comforting words I've heard.
Then we decided to watch August Rush together - an amazing stinkin' movie.
All that to say, that God knew exactly what I needed today. My female friends are far and few between. My Christian friends are far and few between. God knew that I needed the reminder, that I needed to feel special today.
I love those two - we have such a special friendship. All the way back to 7th grade when we met because Kristi thought my name was Dennis. We hardly ever hung out with the same people, we were never in the same activities, or into the same sports. We have gone months without talking just cuz life got crazy BUT I know, without a doubt that they will always be there. And I think they know that I am always there for them - the best that I can be. I have learned so much from them and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
It's always nice to feel God's awesomeness, even in the small ways!!
captivating reflections
So my friend and I have been going thru the book Captivating. I was planning on writing about it as I read the chapters, but I feel like I've barely had time to sleep, let alone blog what I've been reading. The book I've been reading (Captivating) has been eye opening. The last 2 chapters I read talked about the wounds that women have. The author says that all women have wounds and that we learn about femininity from our parents - how they treat each other and how they treat us.
So I took a few moments to think about What are my wounds? How do I hide my femininity?
I learned that my mom held down the fort while dad made the money. That Dad loved us and mom. We all liked to play together and did so on weekends. I thought my sister was more loved but I wasn’t abandoned. It hurt that Dad wasn’t around BUT I’m pretty sure I always understood. We got to talk to him while he was at work
Even in high school Dad was around for all my events or atleast a lot of them. But then I was gone – working/volunteering and beginning to make my mark in the world. My mom was the authority figure and so we argued a lot. She worked and made dinner and the rules, but dad usually backed her. My Dad’s emotional absence may be a wound but he made it obvious that he cared for us. I guess my wounds stem from my dad not physically being present and maybe not having him to talk to as often as I’d like. And since I always argued with my mom, I felt/feel like I needed to turn to men. And my Dad’s over protectiveness has made me feel incapable/inferior and resulted in rebellion.
Somehow, I felt this overwhelming sensation that I needed to be a “man” in the house and hide my emotions.
But then I began to wonder: Can it really be that simple? Does it really matter?
What needs to happen now??
So I took a few moments to think about What are my wounds? How do I hide my femininity?
I learned that my mom held down the fort while dad made the money. That Dad loved us and mom. We all liked to play together and did so on weekends. I thought my sister was more loved but I wasn’t abandoned. It hurt that Dad wasn’t around BUT I’m pretty sure I always understood. We got to talk to him while he was at work
Even in high school Dad was around for all my events or atleast a lot of them. But then I was gone – working/volunteering and beginning to make my mark in the world. My mom was the authority figure and so we argued a lot. She worked and made dinner and the rules, but dad usually backed her. My Dad’s emotional absence may be a wound but he made it obvious that he cared for us. I guess my wounds stem from my dad not physically being present and maybe not having him to talk to as often as I’d like. And since I always argued with my mom, I felt/feel like I needed to turn to men. And my Dad’s over protectiveness has made me feel incapable/inferior and resulted in rebellion.
Somehow, I felt this overwhelming sensation that I needed to be a “man” in the house and hide my emotions.
But then I began to wonder: Can it really be that simple? Does it really matter?
What needs to happen now??
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