Every now and then ya read scripture and it just strikes you. I can't explain exactly why but I can say that as I read it my world stopped! The thoughts stopped racing, the to do list paused itself and I just read it aloud 3 or 4 times.
Psalm 34
Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.
1 [a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
whinning to God
Sometimes it just sucks. I have found myself whinning to God.
God, why do I feel so alone? I just want someone to go out and do things with - it could even be a female friend but of course I would prefer to be dating someone. I don't want to give up! I'm tired of going places by myself, sitting in a church with hundreds of people alone, lacking spiritual conversations and any socialization. I know that this is where you want me to be - but why? I feel the brick wall. Satan is a jerk and he keeps feeding into my lies - trying to tell me that I'm not worthy to be dated, that I'll only have men as friends. Afterall they are married, or gay, or just friends. Ohh he makes me so angry God! I pray in your name Lord that I would not listen to these lies! Lord that I would trust in you, and your timing!! That I would be thankful for all that you have offered and provided. That my mind would stay focused on these children. But God, i want an outlet too! I want a place to relax and rest and reconnect....how do i get that God? I just don't want to feel so alone, God.
God, why do I feel so alone? I just want someone to go out and do things with - it could even be a female friend but of course I would prefer to be dating someone. I don't want to give up! I'm tired of going places by myself, sitting in a church with hundreds of people alone, lacking spiritual conversations and any socialization. I know that this is where you want me to be - but why? I feel the brick wall. Satan is a jerk and he keeps feeding into my lies - trying to tell me that I'm not worthy to be dated, that I'll only have men as friends. Afterall they are married, or gay, or just friends. Ohh he makes me so angry God! I pray in your name Lord that I would not listen to these lies! Lord that I would trust in you, and your timing!! That I would be thankful for all that you have offered and provided. That my mind would stay focused on these children. But God, i want an outlet too! I want a place to relax and rest and reconnect....how do i get that God? I just don't want to feel so alone, God.
Friday, October 9, 2009
The battle continues
I finally had some time off on a real weekend to hang out with adults: ya know people my age, without having to watch children, people I didn't work with, and just like real people. Ohh my goodness I was soo stoked! Beyond stoked actually, I praised GOd for getting some time approved to have a portion of a social life - even if it was only for a couple hours - it was a couple hours more than usual. I went, I had a great time! I was strong - I didn't drink any alcohol, I didn't make out or anything with any of the guys (which is good cuz most of them were married lol)!! I did get a number though, and I got like a lil school girl.
We talked and all I could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop"? I wanted so bad to be optimistic but in the back of my head were all these lies circulating. How disgusting, that I had to convince myself that I was worth someone's time, that I can be liked for who I am and not have to put out to gain attention and respect. Ughh, I felt like such a high school drama queen. It took a day for my nerves and anxiety to rear their way into conversations. I tried to pray but I couldn't find the words. So the gaurds went up - hard core! I could practically feel the cement growing. So just because I can't convince myself that I'm likeable I overkilled my chance for someone to even get to know me. THank you horrible self talk and satan for your lies.
But what is the lie? Do I really think that I'm not a likeable person?? I don't think that's the case because I have friends lol And I think that they atleast like me. God, what is this lie that has been created in me? I don't want to make satan smile, I don't want satan to gain an ounce back of all that I have taken back.
I try to pray and the words flee from me. Last night I pulled up Romans8:26 -In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. - And I began to read over it again and again. I received no words, but I felt a peace.
I feel worthless in my groans because they make no sense to me- but I pray that I remember the groans mean something to God and I pray for sensitive ears to hear what He has to say in response.
We talked and all I could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop"? I wanted so bad to be optimistic but in the back of my head were all these lies circulating. How disgusting, that I had to convince myself that I was worth someone's time, that I can be liked for who I am and not have to put out to gain attention and respect. Ughh, I felt like such a high school drama queen. It took a day for my nerves and anxiety to rear their way into conversations. I tried to pray but I couldn't find the words. So the gaurds went up - hard core! I could practically feel the cement growing. So just because I can't convince myself that I'm likeable I overkilled my chance for someone to even get to know me. THank you horrible self talk and satan for your lies.
But what is the lie? Do I really think that I'm not a likeable person?? I don't think that's the case because I have friends lol And I think that they atleast like me. God, what is this lie that has been created in me? I don't want to make satan smile, I don't want satan to gain an ounce back of all that I have taken back.
I try to pray and the words flee from me. Last night I pulled up Romans8:26 -In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. - And I began to read over it again and again. I received no words, but I felt a peace.
I feel worthless in my groans because they make no sense to me- but I pray that I remember the groans mean something to God and I pray for sensitive ears to hear what He has to say in response.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
looking glass self
I was just reading through one of my books and I came across this....
One of the characteristics of the child is that he knows and understand things partially. Part of growing up into mature love is to reach a fuller, face to face understanding. Our pictures and our feelings about ourselves come largely from the pictures and the feelings we see reflected in our family members - what we watch in their expressions, hear from the tone in their voices, and see from their actions. These reflections tell us not only who we are, but also what we are going to become. As the reflections gradually become part of us, we take on the shape of the person we see in the family looking glass. pg 86, David Seamands
As I read over that, i couldn't help but think of my kids. Ya know,some weeks they are rough and it seems like all they do is get in trouble and purposefully tick us off. But what type of mirror am I creating for these children? Am I nourishing their creativity? Encouraging them to be the best that they can be? Am I showing them affection and love? Or am I just agitated, and adding to the horrible image that their legal guardians have already placed upon them?
I know that we all aren't perfect and that we're all going to have bad days. But it seems like this is something that I need to be more aware of, as I raise these kids - and any other kids that come my way.
One of the characteristics of the child is that he knows and understand things partially. Part of growing up into mature love is to reach a fuller, face to face understanding. Our pictures and our feelings about ourselves come largely from the pictures and the feelings we see reflected in our family members - what we watch in their expressions, hear from the tone in their voices, and see from their actions. These reflections tell us not only who we are, but also what we are going to become. As the reflections gradually become part of us, we take on the shape of the person we see in the family looking glass. pg 86, David Seamands
As I read over that, i couldn't help but think of my kids. Ya know,some weeks they are rough and it seems like all they do is get in trouble and purposefully tick us off. But what type of mirror am I creating for these children? Am I nourishing their creativity? Encouraging them to be the best that they can be? Am I showing them affection and love? Or am I just agitated, and adding to the horrible image that their legal guardians have already placed upon them?
I know that we all aren't perfect and that we're all going to have bad days. But it seems like this is something that I need to be more aware of, as I raise these kids - and any other kids that come my way.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Memory and Sacrifice
God is able to forget our sins, to not hold our sins against us. But God has an incredible way of allowing you not to forget what He wants you to know. THe last few weeks I've had this memeory running through my head. Towards the end of my time at WIU, I had begun to read Isaiah and I remember being so convicted by it and talking with my roommate, Meme. I remember many times reading over the follwoing, Isaiah 1:10 -14:
Hear the words of the Lord. you rulers of Sodom; listen to the law of our God, you people of Gomorrah! THe multitude of your sacrifices - what are they to me? says the Lord. I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. When you come to appear before me, who has asked this of you, this trampling of my courts? Stop bringing me meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths, and convocations - I cannot bear your evil assemblies. Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts my soul hates. They have become a burden to me; I am weary of them.
I remember my mind flowing of the destastable incense that i had tried to give to God. I tried to think about what would it look like to really give Him all of me. I started to think that the only sacrifice that was meaningful to God was the sacrifice of my old self. Was giving over the things that were holding me down. At the time, I was going out to the bars more than I should have, and I was engaged in some relationships that I should not have been. I remember thinking that those were the sacrifices I needed to make for God. ANd I remember saying, I'll start with the drinking.
And, we can see where that got me to - more relationships I should not have been in and more drinking as well.
Over the last couple years I had forgotten about that - until these last few weeks. So here I sit again, reading over those verses in Isaiah - asking GOd, what sacrifice do you want from me? And can ya guess what He told me? Of course you can - relationships. It's like I could just picture God sitting across the room, and smiling at me, saying, my child, you know what I want - in that way that only a loving Father can do.
If you can and remember - please pray for me as I work towards intentionally working on my view of relationships. As I try to not make the male friends I have my pseudo boyfriends, or husbands - that God is my emotional support!! That I do not go looking for new guys or try to dig up the old ones just for kicks. And maybe, ask God what your sacrifice is?
Hear the words of the Lord. you rulers of Sodom; listen to the law of our God, you people of Gomorrah! THe multitude of your sacrifices - what are they to me? says the Lord. I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. When you come to appear before me, who has asked this of you, this trampling of my courts? Stop bringing me meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths, and convocations - I cannot bear your evil assemblies. Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts my soul hates. They have become a burden to me; I am weary of them.
I remember my mind flowing of the destastable incense that i had tried to give to God. I tried to think about what would it look like to really give Him all of me. I started to think that the only sacrifice that was meaningful to God was the sacrifice of my old self. Was giving over the things that were holding me down. At the time, I was going out to the bars more than I should have, and I was engaged in some relationships that I should not have been. I remember thinking that those were the sacrifices I needed to make for God. ANd I remember saying, I'll start with the drinking.
And, we can see where that got me to - more relationships I should not have been in and more drinking as well.
Over the last couple years I had forgotten about that - until these last few weeks. So here I sit again, reading over those verses in Isaiah - asking GOd, what sacrifice do you want from me? And can ya guess what He told me? Of course you can - relationships. It's like I could just picture God sitting across the room, and smiling at me, saying, my child, you know what I want - in that way that only a loving Father can do.
If you can and remember - please pray for me as I work towards intentionally working on my view of relationships. As I try to not make the male friends I have my pseudo boyfriends, or husbands - that God is my emotional support!! That I do not go looking for new guys or try to dig up the old ones just for kicks. And maybe, ask God what your sacrifice is?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Jesus' wounds and satan's lies
As I've been reading through the psalms, I've also continued to read through Healing for Damaged Emotionswith the workbook. It has been some tough stuff to sift through. Much of it has been depressing, recalling the things from the past and what have you. BUt I ran across my favorite chapter the other day. I've read it before, and as soon as I began the chapter yesterday, it came rushing back with such a powerful force. The chapter is titled the Wounded healer.
Jesus was wounded. I'm amazed at how easily I forget that. I forget that not only was Jesus physically beaten but that he was emotionally tormented. THough Jesus was fully God he was also fully man - he was rejected and abandoned by the ones he loved and was closest to. Jesus tells of his soul being sorrowful as he was praying in the garden. In Matthew 26 Jesus talks about being sorrowful to the point of death and he asks his disciples to stay with him for comfort and they cannot even stay awake with him http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2026:36-46&version=NIV. Jesus knew what it was like to be alone. Can you even imagine the amount of pain that Jesus felt in his life? Even as Jesus knew it was His will, the burden was so heavy he asked His father to pass the cup onto another. And at the very end, he felt as if His father forsake him.
But I have a hard time remembering all that Jesus went through because, after all, he is God and perfect and independant. And I believe it's satan feeding me lies - trying everything he can to place a distance between God and I. I mean if satan can get me to believe that God doesn't understand my pain, then I won't go to God with my pain and then I'm less of a threat to satan - see satan thinks he's smart but Jesus is so much smarter!
Some scriptures that were highlited in this chapter that I have found helpful
Isaiah 53 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2053&version=NIV
Hebrews 4:14-16 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%204:14%20-16&version=NIV
Romans 8:26-27 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:26-27&version=NIV
Psalm 22 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2022&version=NIV
Jesus was wounded. I'm amazed at how easily I forget that. I forget that not only was Jesus physically beaten but that he was emotionally tormented. THough Jesus was fully God he was also fully man - he was rejected and abandoned by the ones he loved and was closest to. Jesus tells of his soul being sorrowful as he was praying in the garden. In Matthew 26 Jesus talks about being sorrowful to the point of death and he asks his disciples to stay with him for comfort and they cannot even stay awake with him http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2026:36-46&version=NIV. Jesus knew what it was like to be alone. Can you even imagine the amount of pain that Jesus felt in his life? Even as Jesus knew it was His will, the burden was so heavy he asked His father to pass the cup onto another. And at the very end, he felt as if His father forsake him.
But I have a hard time remembering all that Jesus went through because, after all, he is God and perfect and independant. And I believe it's satan feeding me lies - trying everything he can to place a distance between God and I. I mean if satan can get me to believe that God doesn't understand my pain, then I won't go to God with my pain and then I'm less of a threat to satan - see satan thinks he's smart but Jesus is so much smarter!
Some scriptures that were highlited in this chapter that I have found helpful
Isaiah 53 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2053&version=NIV
Hebrews 4:14-16 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%204:14%20-16&version=NIV
Romans 8:26-27 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:26-27&version=NIV
Psalm 22 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2022&version=NIV
Monday, September 21, 2009
Update
I've avoided my blog for some time now. I wasn't living the way that I thought I should be living and din't have a desire to share that, I was embarrased. The last few months have been soo fast and full that I don't even know how to begin to sum them up, other than trying. I belive that sometimes it is important and almsot necessary to dig into the depths of what was to sort the mess of what is. But sometimes I think what was needs to simply be laid to rest.
There was nothing super tragic that happened to me - Somewhere around 5th grade there was a shift in my thinking and I remember my world turning sexual - not that I was having sex, or even preforming sexual acts. I know that having a father who always worked made me sad that he wasn't at home with the "family" and that it's possible I still hold on to that - in fact I know that it still affects me. It seemed that we/I was not worth his time and that is why he did not leave work. I know that it is not the case - whether his decision to work assanine hours was the right decision for the family is not something that will benefit me to pursue. My mother and I always butted heads and continue to do so to this day - she is a huge people pleaser and since she was the one who primarily raised me, it rubbed off on me. My sister was seemingly the favorite and the better looking daughter, and that impression continues to be placed upon me.
Then there was the "normal" growing up crap of having my heart broken, moving towns, being betrayed, hating authority, blah blah blah. THen there were the eating disorders, the suicidal ideation, the friends who tried to commit suicide and the like. The working and going to school and being in a competative marching band and trying to fill all the voids in my life with boys.
And there ya have most of my 24 years of life summarrized in less than a page.
In all of that I've realized that the details of the past aren't important. Like the cliche says - what matters is what I do with it. Am I going to sit and sort through it and find my exact pain? no- I'm not.
I heard an awesome service the other day, that brought me to tears - before the pastor even began to speak. I don't even remember the songs that we sung for music worship, but I just closed my eyes and started to pray - Dear God, break down these walls, break the wall of my desire to drink to avoid feeling, break the wall of running to a man, break the wall of bitterness....over and over I just repeated those words and as we continued to sing I started to cry. I wish that the kids weren't with me and I would have fallen to my knees and balled. I don't know what brought those feeling up inside me, but they were and I'm glad.
I'm putting alcohol aside - there's no need to mask the feelings that I have. I've gone 3 months with no sexual activity (except the one guy I kissed) and I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 months as well. I wish that my time frames were longer but those were my choices. And I know that I need to start small to build up - to be a woman of God.
I've been trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, and what I'm thinking about. It's hard - and my dreams are the worst as they are usually about sex.
In addition there will be no more estrogen pills - they didn't help to balance out my hormones and they only made me more emotional, bloated and aggitated. My body just has more testosterone than it should and I will deal with that on a needs be basis (so like when I get married and want to have a baby).
I've been doing my best to read a psalm a day and I'm making some headway.
My goals currently are:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with GOd in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something GOd is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings
There was nothing super tragic that happened to me - Somewhere around 5th grade there was a shift in my thinking and I remember my world turning sexual - not that I was having sex, or even preforming sexual acts. I know that having a father who always worked made me sad that he wasn't at home with the "family" and that it's possible I still hold on to that - in fact I know that it still affects me. It seemed that we/I was not worth his time and that is why he did not leave work. I know that it is not the case - whether his decision to work assanine hours was the right decision for the family is not something that will benefit me to pursue. My mother and I always butted heads and continue to do so to this day - she is a huge people pleaser and since she was the one who primarily raised me, it rubbed off on me. My sister was seemingly the favorite and the better looking daughter, and that impression continues to be placed upon me.
Then there was the "normal" growing up crap of having my heart broken, moving towns, being betrayed, hating authority, blah blah blah. THen there were the eating disorders, the suicidal ideation, the friends who tried to commit suicide and the like. The working and going to school and being in a competative marching band and trying to fill all the voids in my life with boys.
And there ya have most of my 24 years of life summarrized in less than a page.
In all of that I've realized that the details of the past aren't important. Like the cliche says - what matters is what I do with it. Am I going to sit and sort through it and find my exact pain? no- I'm not.
I heard an awesome service the other day, that brought me to tears - before the pastor even began to speak. I don't even remember the songs that we sung for music worship, but I just closed my eyes and started to pray - Dear God, break down these walls, break the wall of my desire to drink to avoid feeling, break the wall of running to a man, break the wall of bitterness....over and over I just repeated those words and as we continued to sing I started to cry. I wish that the kids weren't with me and I would have fallen to my knees and balled. I don't know what brought those feeling up inside me, but they were and I'm glad.
I'm putting alcohol aside - there's no need to mask the feelings that I have. I've gone 3 months with no sexual activity (except the one guy I kissed) and I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 months as well. I wish that my time frames were longer but those were my choices. And I know that I need to start small to build up - to be a woman of God.
I've been trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, and what I'm thinking about. It's hard - and my dreams are the worst as they are usually about sex.
In addition there will be no more estrogen pills - they didn't help to balance out my hormones and they only made me more emotional, bloated and aggitated. My body just has more testosterone than it should and I will deal with that on a needs be basis (so like when I get married and want to have a baby).
I've been doing my best to read a psalm a day and I'm making some headway.
My goals currently are:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with GOd in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something GOd is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings
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