Ohh that 5 letter word

These last few weeks have been, well interesting. I feel like I've had a lot of time to think yet no time to myself. I feel like I have a method of handling situations and then struggle to implement them. I feel like I'm trying new things but can't get it to stick. And most days I'm actually happy and content, but not in that complacent kind of way. Then this morning, as I was getting ready to start my day this wave hit me; this underlying crap that I've buried down. Things that I thought I was past, but then I looked at my bank account (never a good idea before having coffee especially). And I realized it was still there: doubt – ohh that 5 letter word. I am so blessed and have an amazing understanding (and relationship) with God; yet here it is- doubt. It's haunting. Here it is: - I doubt that I have actually changed - I doubt that I can maintain female friendships - I doubt that all the money I have poured into ministries/training/youth is going to be returned to me - I doubt that I can out God first while I am pursuing a relationship - I doubt I can have a healthy relationship - I doubt that God will provide in miraculous ways - I doubt I can hear God for myself - I doubt I handled that situation correctly Now, rarely do these thoughts come across as “I doubt....” because that would be too obvious. No, these doubts come out with a more delicate wording, that makes them seem like doubt. Phrases like “I wonder if it's really possible...” or “Will I ever be able to....” or countless other more eloquent phrases. But lets me honest and call a spade a spade. If I am constantly wondering if God can do something, then I'm doubting. And ya know, it's exhausting. I know I'm not the only one who has doubts in the day to day hustle. And being in America makes it harder for me to discern, anything really. I'm so afraid of my doubts blocking God out, of strong arming my way through this next phase of my life; but really I want nothing more than for this area to see God as the loving Father that He is. So, how am I going to combat these doubts? That is sure a good question:) I know that the more time I spend with God, for the sake of getting to know Him – not because I have to – I will be able to rest more securely in Him. But also, I had some sweet words spoken over me the other day, but men & women whom I trust: - You are Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz with your foot on the Yellow Brick Road beginning a journey, one brick at a time, to reach the destination of the Emerald City - As you walk on the path there are children/youth following you - Your actions/attitude attract people just as much as your words - Obedience is what He is looking for - You are a gem – a refined strong stone – to God - God gave you your big dream- they are from Him. Shake off what others have told you about not being able to complete them. They are pearls close to His heart. Ya, I think those words will help to push me through some of my doubts. It's amazing when people who have no idea what's going on in your life can hear directly from God to speak directly to your heart. One brick at a time. Remembering that I don't need to know how God is going to do it, but trust that He is. Oh and that He doesn't work on MY time schedule.

How do you be the not weak, not in control, helper?

When God made Adam & Eve, He made Eve to be Adam’s helper. God made Eve NOT because Adam was incapable, NOT so Adam could boss her around, but so that Adam could have a companion. Adam and Eve had distinct roles, to compliment each other. Adam was the head of the household- the breadwinner, the big decision maker, the leader. Eve was the supporter, the follower, the companion. Maybe if they were rock climbing, Eve would be the legs and Adam would be the arms. Anyway, I was thinking about some things while I was reading this morning and it dawned on me that I have not seen many examples of truly healthy and biblical relationships/marriages. There are many things that I am look forward to when it comes to marriage, to have a partner in crime, to have sex, to make a family, to raise a family, and to have someone to permanently do life with: grow, learn and experience. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I know what my role as a wife should be and what I want it to be; but I am not sure that I know how to be a helper. Sure, I can help by offering advice, by telling him when he is not doing things right, I can even encourage and support decisions that are made. But what about when he has a word of correction for me? Or when he needs to tell me I am trying to hard? Or when he realizes something I have known for year? How can I be the helper then? Maybe for someone out there this is obvious; then please share your insight. Every relationship, practically, that I have been involved in – I was the leader. I was making important decisions for our lives, I was laying down the rules, I was making the boundaries, I was initiating Bible time/talk, and I was the one providing. And yet I was still giving into human desires. Looking back, it’s like I was totally okay with living outside of God’s best intentions for relationships. I was either in control or being controlled – often time simultaneously. No wonder I am a basket case lol But here I am now, in a place of moving forward, of recognizing that the way I have tended to do things is not the best way for me to do them at all…….not even a little bit….. So, hooray for me, I have recognized a destructive pattern; now what? I know what my tendency is – to sabotage. To unintentionally find ways that allow me to kind of listen to God’s best for me. To avoid situations where I should be the helper, to have everything together so that I don’t need to hear correction, to let him do everything, to find a way to always have one up. Hmm….sounds like a lot of pride to bust thru, but where do I even begin? I know that marriage is in my future, and I don’t want it to look like so many of the marriages I have seen. Daddy, soften my heart, open my eyes, show me the roots to remove so that I can (one day) be the loving helper wife that you desire for me to be. Let me hear words of correction in love, let me rejoice when my future husband rejoices, and support him rather than dictate him when he mourns. Holy Spirit come and begin to move in me, your presence is welcome here. In Jesus name, Amen.

Letting Go

After a long and trying couple months, I was able to get a couple days off in a row and make a small escape out of the burbs. It will not be beneficial to rehash the events over the last few months; the bottom line is that the situations still need prayer and sometimes they still hurt. I have been incredibly thankful for the church community I have a Vineyard Aurora for filling me up, praying for me, and just being there for the sake of being there :-) I'm thankful for the friends that have been supportive and reminding me who I am and that it is not my burden to bear; and especially for the ones who have stepped in when they knew I had no more to give. I wish I could confidently say that it is all over. Decisions have been made, words have been exchanged, actions have been taken and I have been removed from the situation; which makes it sound like it is over. However this phase of moving on seems to be almost as hard as the working thru and the letting go. In the moment, letting go of a situation comes with a wave of empowerment; knowing that you are taking a stand for something that is right or having the assurance that you are doing what God wants. Yet, the fact remains that you let go of something. For me, to let go, means that I must have been holding on (possibly tightly) to the situation. If I was holding on to the situation that means that, in a sense, it was a part of me; part of my day to day. For better or worse it was something I relied on or expected to be in my day to day life. So now, to let go, almost seems to throw me off balance. It makes it rather easy to see how a person can keep falling back into the same unhealthy relationship/pattern/situation. In addition, for me with one of the situations, my pride was brought into the light. Though I am truly compassionate and my desire is simply to help and to bring people to Jesus, there is a part of me that hurts when change does not happen because of my efforts. Which in the same breathe means I am saying that I don't fully trust God to handle the situation. :( Despite the amount of scripture and teachings that remind me it is not my (or any person's) responsibility to change a person, there is still this small (and getting smaller by the day) part of me that clings to the hope that just maybe I can play a role. Yet, as I recently learned, some people struggle to see the help as an act of help; rather they attach it to the person thus making the person helping some type of savior to them. And let me tell you that creates a whole different problem. While this all sounds glim, there is hope. It is possible to move on past letting go – no matter how hard it feels and how hard it sounds. In most of the situations I am certain that I made the best choice I could make; which is helpful when I want to try and hold on. It's also been helpful to have affirmation from trusted brothers & sisters that I am making strides in the right direction. I also know that I am forgiven. And I have the choice to move on or to be at a stand still. I know that God has new things in store for me and has a plan for my life. So as I let go, I have plenty of situations to step into and embrace in His Kingdom.

eat your words

Eat Your Words So, ya know that moment when you are sharing wisdom or advice with someone and it dawns on you that though you may be helping that person you were really talking to yourself? Ya, that happened to me today; and I could just feel God smiling and saying “if that’s what it takes to realize what I’ve been trying to say, then so be it” :) Ya know in that friendly and loving way not in a mean guilt ridden kind of way. So I was listening to a challenge/frustration that my friend had and felt prompted to share something that I feel like I might have learned. Turns out it’s something I’m still learning. What did I say? Well if you must know: There have been countless situations that to me seemed very logical and practical but have fallen through. In the end I realized I still want to give my plan to God and ask Him to bless it b/c I am terrified to wait to listen to Him. It's hard man, I wish I could say that it wasn't. But what I can encourage you with is that when we are willing to wait, the results are far greater than anything we could have planned ourselves. so if I may, I will pull out the mama card and give you a suggestion....Take some solid time doing something that allows you to hear God the best. Make an effort to rid yourself of distractions. And be willing to just be in His presence and listen. Some pretty solid words, right? Of course they are. So, why did they hit me so hard? Well, I’ve been having a small boxing match with God. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a do-er. I love being on the move, being involved and filling up my days. In addition, I feel like I have a HUGE dream to begin working out involving under resourced teens in aurora. As another friend gave me some practical steps to get this dream going I did not feel a complete peace about moving forward. Not to mention at the end of my summer I got this word “Don’t worry if they pace of your next season does not match the pace of this summer. God is not concerned about your speed but your depth and trust in Him.” So what have I been up to the last few weeks? Trying to figure out how quickly I can apply to grad school, where the best & closest schools are so that I can still work at Walgreens while I take classes, etc, etc, etc…Now I am no genius here, but it seems to me that I have created a divide or hypocrisy, if you will, about what I have said and what I am doing. All in all it reminded me to two bible passages today. Luke 10: 38-42 (the story of Mary & Martha) and Mark 14:1-9 (Jesus anointed at Bethany). Going back to school asap might be a really great idea and super practical but it might not be the best thing that I can do at this moment. In addition, God knows the youth that I want to reach and He knows that they are there; He also know that I can’t reach them without being rooted, solidly, in Him. The bottom line is, I don’t know the whole picture and I can’t see it like He can. So for as hard as it is I am going to eat my own words, trust Him, and actually listen to Him before I move. Maybe the plan will be the same or maybe it will be something completely different; that my friends is up to Him.

Pine Tree

Today I feel like a pine tree. Ya, a pine tree. It’s been a whirl wind of a few months, maybe I will write about that later; however, this morning I just felt blah. I didn’t want to get out of bed and frankly nothing seemed to be important. After talking with this pretty awesome lady, I started to think of a pine tree. Have you ever gone to cut down a pine tree? Or bought a live one for the winter holidays?? If you have you may have seen this awesome device that shakes and nets the tree. Once you cut the tree down and drag it to the car some of the needles that were loose begin to fall off. Well when you get it to the netting station they put it on this thing, a big circular device, and they turn it on while they hold the stem. This allows the tree to really be shaken. While it is being shaken the dead needles and branches that were stuck on the inside begin to fall out. With the tree in its best shape it is then thrown through a netter and hoisted up on the car for you to take home and decorate. So why do I feel like a pine tree today? Well, because I feel like I’m on that big circle device being shaken like crazy to get all the dead stuff out. It’s like I’m carrying around all this extra weight that isn’t even mine to touch, let alone hold onto. And I know that it isn’t mine, but for some reason I keep reaching down to pick it up and carry it along my journey. Then today, for whatever reason today, the shaking has begun. I mean it knew stuff was there, but today if felt like God really went to take it away from me and instead of surrendering it to Him, I clung onto it. Like when you are a kid and your favorite toy is destroyed and instead of letting your parents fix it or get you a new one, you insist on playing with a broken toy that no longer works? It’s like that. I keep insisting on being surrounded with brokenness but God is there, reminding me that Jesus took care of that on the cross, and reaching out to give me wholeness; but for some reason I’m a little afraid. So ya, today, I am that pine tree being shaken. Why won’t I just let go? I’m not sure. Pride. Pain. Fear. A feeling of responsibility that is not mine. There are so many burdens that I have released to Him over the last 8 years…..please pray that I don’t stop now. That I let Him shake the dead out of me, literally.

This Summer....

This summer I have had the privilege of working with the College Bound 1 teenagers. There are countless memories and lessons that I have learned this summer, and trying to find a place to begin is difficult. I learned that you can sow hair onto your head, you should not get a weave wet, that a perm straightens your hair, and that you can wrap your hair with a scarf. Not to mention that most of my clothes are out of style, flares are really only for white people and it’s necessarily to bring at least 5 pairs of shoes for a week of camp. Clearly I had forgotten what it means to be a teenager. Not to mention the new phrases I learned like “bean head”, “finna”, “you be stressin’ me”, “yolo” and “you’re doin’ to much”. Needless to say there was never a dull moment. On a more serious note I learned the importance of having fun and being present with people. My beautiful teens daily reminded me about the importance of having fun and relaxing. Of just being in the same room together to paint nails, or coloring, or anything really, as long as we were together. We had some worked on some great projects: putting together a Lecrae picture puzzle, going into Chicago to feed the homeless and various other activities. We also had some intense card games going on. It was a joy to have devotionals and listen to their questions. To encourage them in their walk, and to be able to love them exactly where they are at. To watch them learn and to watch them grow. To share about life. To tell stories. To listen to stories. To pray together. To laugh together. Don’t get me wrong there were days that were hard. Days that we fought. Days that made it seem like the summer was going to drag on forever. But, we got through those days, and I believe that we will forever be stronger for them. I had no idea what to expect when I signed up for this job, but I couldn’t have imagined a more fulfilling summer than I had this summer.

Brief Catch Up

So, it has been weeks since I have posted anything about camp. Time is a luxury that has been hard to come by; especially during the week. I have not even had the time to journal like I have wanted to either. Not to mention that I have no idea how to even begin explaining camp. One thing is for sure though, I LOVE my job and I am exactly where I am suppose to be. There is nothing that I love more than being involved in a youth’s life. I have had a lot of memories of working at Mooseheart flash back to me while I have been at this camp. There is something about being in the day to day life of a person that brings me so much joy. And I have thought about how much I truly enjoy teaching. So what goes on at camp? Some of this and some of that: workouts, daily devotions, leadership training, group games, swimming, bible studies, electives, bon fires, movies, college visits, trips off grounds, working with the children campers, bike rides, crafts, free time and more! In the last few weeks our teens have been able to go to a Chicago Sky game, the boys went on a caving trip to Wisconsin, the girls went to Chicago to give lunches to the homeless, and various other on grounds activities. Some days are hard and full of complaining and grumbling, but each day is so fulfilling. If you want to hear more just message me and I can try to fill you in better. Or if you would like to financially contribute to camp visit : https://getinvolved.fvchristianaction.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=298 and designate your funding to the summer staff!