So I've been reading this book called Love Is an Orientation...and it pretty much rocks. I came to a chapter titled "reclaiming the word love: measurable unconditional behaviors" and I was just in awe over it. The book was written by a man, andrew martin, who has the desire to bridge the gap between the christian and the GLBT community. Though he is specifically talking to this relationship I think if you read it and just take a step back you will see a new way for love to be handled between any group of peoples/individuals.
Here it is:
There’s a fourth ideal that gets overlooked, an udeal that is not based on sex: Its OK to be yourself before God and not conform to any of the other three ways that seem ideal to the outside world. {referring to the GLBT community and the Chrisitian Community specifically}. The fourth ideal communicates God’s acceptance, validation, affirmation and unconditional love in meeting people as they are, where they are. … It’s an ideal focused on an identity in Christ rather than behavior – straight, gay or celibate – as the judge of one’s acceptability.(102-103)
One summer evening, I was reading an interview with Billy Grahm’s daughter. She was telling some of her fondest memories about her dad and recalled one time in particular, when the Graham family was attending a rally in support of President Bill Clinton after his sex scandal was made public. A reporter asked Billy Graham, ‘Why are you here supporting this man after everything he has done to this country?’ Reverend Grahm’s answer was succinct, powerful and true. ‘It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict, God’s job to judge and my job to love.
…It’s not the job of the Christians to convict the GLBT community. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. It’s the job of Christians to love the GLBT community in a way that is tangible, measurable and unconditional – whether we see our version of ‘change’ happening or not.
That realization has led to my new definition of love: tangible and measurable expressions of one’s unconditional behaviors toward another. My experience has revealed that in the minds of the GLBT people, the word love has been rendered conditional: ‘I will love you if I see you do…,or act like…, or sexually change…” Someone can say the words ‘I love you’ until that person is blue in the face, but it will not matter one bit unless there are measurable, unconditional behaviors attached to those words. My friends, my wife and my family will know that I love them not because I say so but because I show who I am to them by what I do for them.
…
What do these thangible, measurable and unconditional behaviors look like? They are a nonjudgmental safe place – an environment that fosters a trustworthy relationship with someone else. Love is a walk, a hug, a dinner, an ear, a fun trip- all free of the condemning and ostracizing that the GLBT person ‘knows’ is coming from Christians. This type of love says that no matter who you are, no matter what you do or no matter what you say I have your back, and I refuse to give up – whether or not there’s ‘change’ – because my Father [referring to God] will never give up on me.
…
The Bible is full of stories that teach us how to love, instead of just giving us instructions on how to verbally communicate love. Love is to be an action – not a word. Love is recognizing the power of Christ to do what we could only imagine, like physically going to him with the faith of a Roman centurion – greater than all other faith in Isreal. Love is stepping outside the boat to meet your Savior by walking on water, when every ounce of your body is telling you otherwise. Love is boldly pouring expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet when indeed, the poor could have benefited from the money of its potential sale. Love is cutting a hole in a roof and lowering your crippled friend to Jesus when there are no other accessible means to the one who can heal. Love is a poor widow dropping all she has – two very small copper coins worth nothing – into God’s treasury with no guarantee she’ll make it another day. Love is stepping out of all cultural norms to help a beaten-up man lying on the side of the street, despite the fact that his culture despises yours. And love is being the first one to drop the stone because you know your life and sins are no less than any other.
The one thing all of these examples have in common is that they’re acts of love around Jesus, not acts of Jesus himself. We have the power to counterculturally love through our tabgible, measurable and unconditional actions louder than any words could ever be spoken – as Jesus is ever presently there with us in the fay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.
**can't you just imagine a world where everyone loved this way?**
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Things that start with G
GOD you are GOOD and GRACIOUS, abounding with GRACE!
This weekend was amazing! Saturday was spent up on 130 acres of open land - working hard and enjoying the beautiful landscape, enjoying GOd's creation!! As I awoke on sunday morning, I wanted to keep this positive awesome feeling alive inside of me. I also knew that I needed to hear from God, that I needed to experience something new and something heart shattering on Sunday morning. As I drove to pick up Rob, I began to pray. I prayed that I would not be cranky if we were running late. I prayed that God would break through my heart, that I would find strength and hope from whatever message Scott was going to be delivering that morning. I prayed to be released from chains and bondage that had been holding me down. All twenty minutes I prayed, and that alone made me feel rejuvenated.
Now, I love Scott's preaching but this Sunday, I could have left after the first three songs and still have had an amazingly powerful morning. I was nearly brought to tears, as I could feel each set of lyrics piercing my heart, in a way that only musical worship can do. I felt small releases, small convictions, small changes occuring and lifting up from me. I wish I could remember the name of the first two songs that we sang, they were so powerful. And then came the true kicker - It is well with my soul - I think I was crying as I was singing. It hurt to sing such a powerful song, and to realize that as things have been going on around me - it has NOT been well with my soul. It was like listening to my heart cry, my heart long for that to be true of me, and it was like feel God press HIS hand down on me, reminding me that there is NO reason for it NOT to be well with my soul.
Scott's message offered hope and strength was well, as he talked about the day when heaven meets earth and the beautiful experience that it is all going to be!! The reminder that there is something sooo much greater to look forward to. That this life is for us to help bring justice and healing and love to those around us - and that will never ever be a painless experience, but when we are doing things in Jesus' name that He will provide all we need and strengthen us to complete and overcome what needs completing and overcoming.
So - practically, what did this mean for me? How did this help me with all the questions and doubts that I have been having.
Well, it did remind me how much i have let satan have control in areas where he should not even be. It reminded me that my morning reading/devotionals have not been happening like they should and realizing how much better life is when I put God first!! I realized that the job I have is indeed helping to restore justice and healing and love to children who need it, even if i am not living with them. I realized that though I do miss my boys terribly, that I am just not supposed to be living there right now - I don't know why - I just received a peace that I am not supposed to be there. I know that I am still supposed to be with Rob and that we still have many things to sort out and grow in but thnx be to God that we have people who have surrounded us in love and in prayer and are helping us as we go!
In having my Monday - Friday job I have been able to connect with my dad by going to the farm. I have been able to invite my parents to church with me and they actually went, both of them, on easter sunday!! I have been allowed to be outside of the mooseheart bubble, and actually be me and have fun!!
I realized later on sunday that I thrive on being in positions of what some may call control. I think back on when I was large group coordinator for InterVaristy and how alive it made me feel and how well I did at the position. I think about all the work I did at UBC in macomb, and though at times it was frustrating, it really drove me. I am not sure how God is going to use that skill in my life at the present time, but I look forward to the day when I have something like that again.
GOD is GROWING me and I will GLADLY follow as I know that He is GRACIOUS and GRACE filled :)
This weekend was amazing! Saturday was spent up on 130 acres of open land - working hard and enjoying the beautiful landscape, enjoying GOd's creation!! As I awoke on sunday morning, I wanted to keep this positive awesome feeling alive inside of me. I also knew that I needed to hear from God, that I needed to experience something new and something heart shattering on Sunday morning. As I drove to pick up Rob, I began to pray. I prayed that I would not be cranky if we were running late. I prayed that God would break through my heart, that I would find strength and hope from whatever message Scott was going to be delivering that morning. I prayed to be released from chains and bondage that had been holding me down. All twenty minutes I prayed, and that alone made me feel rejuvenated.
Now, I love Scott's preaching but this Sunday, I could have left after the first three songs and still have had an amazingly powerful morning. I was nearly brought to tears, as I could feel each set of lyrics piercing my heart, in a way that only musical worship can do. I felt small releases, small convictions, small changes occuring and lifting up from me. I wish I could remember the name of the first two songs that we sang, they were so powerful. And then came the true kicker - It is well with my soul - I think I was crying as I was singing. It hurt to sing such a powerful song, and to realize that as things have been going on around me - it has NOT been well with my soul. It was like listening to my heart cry, my heart long for that to be true of me, and it was like feel God press HIS hand down on me, reminding me that there is NO reason for it NOT to be well with my soul.
Scott's message offered hope and strength was well, as he talked about the day when heaven meets earth and the beautiful experience that it is all going to be!! The reminder that there is something sooo much greater to look forward to. That this life is for us to help bring justice and healing and love to those around us - and that will never ever be a painless experience, but when we are doing things in Jesus' name that He will provide all we need and strengthen us to complete and overcome what needs completing and overcoming.
So - practically, what did this mean for me? How did this help me with all the questions and doubts that I have been having.
Well, it did remind me how much i have let satan have control in areas where he should not even be. It reminded me that my morning reading/devotionals have not been happening like they should and realizing how much better life is when I put God first!! I realized that the job I have is indeed helping to restore justice and healing and love to children who need it, even if i am not living with them. I realized that though I do miss my boys terribly, that I am just not supposed to be living there right now - I don't know why - I just received a peace that I am not supposed to be there. I know that I am still supposed to be with Rob and that we still have many things to sort out and grow in but thnx be to God that we have people who have surrounded us in love and in prayer and are helping us as we go!
In having my Monday - Friday job I have been able to connect with my dad by going to the farm. I have been able to invite my parents to church with me and they actually went, both of them, on easter sunday!! I have been allowed to be outside of the mooseheart bubble, and actually be me and have fun!!
I realized later on sunday that I thrive on being in positions of what some may call control. I think back on when I was large group coordinator for InterVaristy and how alive it made me feel and how well I did at the position. I think about all the work I did at UBC in macomb, and though at times it was frustrating, it really drove me. I am not sure how God is going to use that skill in my life at the present time, but I look forward to the day when I have something like that again.
GOD is GROWING me and I will GLADLY follow as I know that He is GRACIOUS and GRACE filled :)
Friday, April 9, 2010
Things that start with S
Some words that come to mind are stupid, spit, shit, shower, stunned, and satan. So let's make a sentence using all these words. I would like to SHOWER SATAN wtih SPIT because SATAN has STUNNED me and i am SURROUNDED by STUPID SHIT. Now that that is out of the way.....
I'm tired of saying and thinking that nothing makes sense. It has been so long since I have felt numb and confused for such a length of time. My fabulous new work schedule is not working out as wonderfully as I had planned though, I do get to go to church every sunday which has been such an amazing blessing that words cannot even begin to describe.
Everytime I have thought or looked into going toschool, it doesn't feel right, and I feel like I am looking into a dead end.
Work has turned into my co-workers complaining to me about other people and I can't wrap my brain around their logic for what they do or say half the time.
Things with Rob are touch and go - mostly because of the spiritual battle which has ensued in both our lives. Rob has things that he still needs to sort through and I need to be able to let him do that at his own pace.
I found out last night that the couple who moved into Tennessee, which would have moved me out anyway, is going to be leaving at the end of the month. Tennessee home is just not what they anticipated cuz of the boys' behaviors. I have headed angie's advice to pray (almost daily) for those boys and acknowledge that they are not actually mine and turn them over,daily to God - to help ease the pain of my frustration and the pain of "losing" them in my life. To realize that it could not be my responsibility to "fix" things that went on in that house. But I also have never felt a love so real and so strong, as the love that I felt for those boys. For boys that weren't even mine or related. I am having a harder time feeling that love with my little people and they are little people who are much less rational and logical.
The main reason that I left TN to begin with was to have the oppertunity to grow closer to God, and I have not exactly followed thru on that - yes I have gone to church more but I can't say that I feel closer or that I have a deeper understanding. Is it possible that I'm really attached to the boys?? yes, I think- wait i KNOW - I am. I don't want to go back to be the drill sargent and be the one that whips them back into shape b/c I think I am the only one that can. But, I do want to show them unconditional love and with that does come the discipline - and the fun trips to go places - and the random conversations about the sky being cloudy and it being put in timeout all day.
But is that really what I should do? Where will I find this clarity? How do I block out the confusion and the darkness long enough to hear God's still and quiet voice? I prayed and cried last night, until I feel asleep and I finally felt some pressure lifted from my heart. But I can still feel soo much more.
I need SILENCE to hear what I am SUPPOSED to do in the STICKY SITUATION without losing SANITY.
I'm tired of saying and thinking that nothing makes sense. It has been so long since I have felt numb and confused for such a length of time. My fabulous new work schedule is not working out as wonderfully as I had planned though, I do get to go to church every sunday which has been such an amazing blessing that words cannot even begin to describe.
Everytime I have thought or looked into going toschool, it doesn't feel right, and I feel like I am looking into a dead end.
Work has turned into my co-workers complaining to me about other people and I can't wrap my brain around their logic for what they do or say half the time.
Things with Rob are touch and go - mostly because of the spiritual battle which has ensued in both our lives. Rob has things that he still needs to sort through and I need to be able to let him do that at his own pace.
I found out last night that the couple who moved into Tennessee, which would have moved me out anyway, is going to be leaving at the end of the month. Tennessee home is just not what they anticipated cuz of the boys' behaviors. I have headed angie's advice to pray (almost daily) for those boys and acknowledge that they are not actually mine and turn them over,daily to God - to help ease the pain of my frustration and the pain of "losing" them in my life. To realize that it could not be my responsibility to "fix" things that went on in that house. But I also have never felt a love so real and so strong, as the love that I felt for those boys. For boys that weren't even mine or related. I am having a harder time feeling that love with my little people and they are little people who are much less rational and logical.
The main reason that I left TN to begin with was to have the oppertunity to grow closer to God, and I have not exactly followed thru on that - yes I have gone to church more but I can't say that I feel closer or that I have a deeper understanding. Is it possible that I'm really attached to the boys?? yes, I think- wait i KNOW - I am. I don't want to go back to be the drill sargent and be the one that whips them back into shape b/c I think I am the only one that can. But, I do want to show them unconditional love and with that does come the discipline - and the fun trips to go places - and the random conversations about the sky being cloudy and it being put in timeout all day.
But is that really what I should do? Where will I find this clarity? How do I block out the confusion and the darkness long enough to hear God's still and quiet voice? I prayed and cried last night, until I feel asleep and I finally felt some pressure lifted from my heart. But I can still feel soo much more.
I need SILENCE to hear what I am SUPPOSED to do in the STICKY SITUATION without losing SANITY.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
When is the beginning over?
How do you know where to begin when you are beginning to unfold yourself? Over and over in my brain I hear that I am tired, and I question how many times I need to turn inward to focus on myself before I get it, whatever it is. I know that life is full of changes and mile markers and that our life will need to adjust, continually. But adjusting to life and what is around me shouldn’t cause or need me to change who I am at my core – adjusting to life doesn’t mean that I lose my identity and create a new one. Yet, here I sit – march of 2010 – embarking on a journey that I feel as though I have embarked so many times before. Years of counseling – each time feeling as though I was embarking on the journey of finding myself AND each time ending counseling feeling as though I had found myself and that I had come to terms with what had happened in my past. But how often was I provided a situation where I needed to apply what I had learned and discovered to my life – and of those times, how often did I hold true to what I had learned. In so many ways I feel that I have not learned or accomplished anything, because I am revisiting this area again….but deep down in my heart, I know that I have learned and accomplished many things. I know this because so many habits have changed, desires have changed and priorities have shifted.
But, a shift has happened and I have allowed it to attack me and allowed it to hide my identity. At 24, I have empty nest syndrome. For one year I lived with a house of elementary boys and in my heart I thought them to be mine. But an opportunity presented itself for me to leave that home and change my hours – an opportunity that would allow me to spend more time with God, spend time in corporate worship, the hopes of finding a bible study, the hope of being able to be there for my friends that needed it, the hopes and wants of going back to school, of being involved in a ministry and sharing Jesus with people without having to fight with my coworkers to do so. I saw this glowing life on that other side of the fence – on that noon to 8pm shift. The minute that shift and that opportunity lost some of its glow and wasn’t everything I thought it was going to be, I seemed to have denied the glow all together and saw only dark shadows.
I prayed about it, but school – the type of schooling I wanted (counseling, social work, ministry, seminary) – was not something that was going to happen in my life. Why? Because I would be going for myself, for my own pride and it would have only feed my arrogance of the knowledge I have, God showed me that my heart was not in the right place.
The church that I attend doesn’t have small groups, and I have lost that sense of community of believers. I still miss that deepness and connection of a bible study. And with my schedule it has been difficult to be involved in a ministry or to even find a bible study via another church that is able to fit into that schedule.
My coworkers whine and gossip as if their life depends on it every day. Since I don’t live in the house with them I find it ridiculously difficult to provide them input and feedback some days. I watch them try to treat 3 year olds as if they are 5 or 6. I write to a supervisor who is so overwhelmed that she doesn’t have time to discuss my ideas with me. I watch people who really do not love children(they like them but not love them) work with children every day and my heart breaks.
My friends seem to have made themselves scarce. I know and totally understand that people move on and we are all growing up but it’s really not that difficult to return a phone call. My friends that live the furthest away are somehow the ones that I have seen the most in the last 6 months to a year. And even though I know that it is something that will happen in life – it hurts. I miss the people that understand me, that know me, that lift me up, that make me laugh, that are a break from my day to day routine and I want to spend time with them, is that really so much to ask for?
And all this going on with no children continually surrounding me, no laundry, no massive amounts of cooking, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no decorating, no squeezing in phone calls, no conversations about random happenings, no planning trips and no paperwork. You would think that it would make it all easier to handle and deal with, but not for me – without all that going on around me it is like I have forgotten how to exist and function and be me(whoever that is).
In my identity crisis, Satan has had a field day. Trying to convince me that I switched jobs because I was weak and selfish. Attempting to get me to believe that I am nothing without the boys around, that I am not worth anything without a million things do (or even without 20 things to do), that I am not doing enough in my life or for anyone else. Trying to get me to believe that I am not beautiful or worth the time of other people. And I didn’t recognize these thoughts as Satan as early as I would have liked because, to me, they were all legitimate questions that I have had many times in my life. Not to mention that the house I left as been getting progressively worse in their behaviors and it has been breaking my heart. In the midst of my identity crisis Satan has been at work at another front in my life – my relationship with Rob. The most ridiculous arguments and heated discussions have arose simply because God is moving in Rob’s life. And due to some situations in Rob’s life Satan has tried to twist them around to make me question our relationship. But praise God for the Bailey’s and their commitment to my life- through their prayer and their time with God, they have been able to reassure me that I am in God’s will and it is ticking Satan off.
Through this all I have, at times, lost the ability to see hope and positive things. To see that God is teaching me so much every day- about how to raise children, and how to be a good friend, and how to love Him more AND how to be a woman!! That I am able to go to a church I love every Sunday – that I am able to be filled ever week. That I am attempting to find ministries that fit my schedule and that are where God wants me to be. I have had more time to spend with my own mom and dad and with the Baileys and with Rob. Just today I was able to ask my mom and dad if they would like to go to church with me on easter, and when I say ask I do mean I kind of told them it would be awesome and they should come – but I wouldn’t have been able to do that otherwise.
I know that the next few weeks are going to be trying and that there is something I need to fight inside of me –and it feels like it will be a final breaking away from old habits and old thought patterns about my self worth and how I should be treated in a relationship.
SO, if you can and are willing, please pray for me as the journey begins – well the journey has already begun so a better phrase would be as the journey continues.
PS It seemed rather fitting tonight that I saw Alice in WOnderland
But, a shift has happened and I have allowed it to attack me and allowed it to hide my identity. At 24, I have empty nest syndrome. For one year I lived with a house of elementary boys and in my heart I thought them to be mine. But an opportunity presented itself for me to leave that home and change my hours – an opportunity that would allow me to spend more time with God, spend time in corporate worship, the hopes of finding a bible study, the hope of being able to be there for my friends that needed it, the hopes and wants of going back to school, of being involved in a ministry and sharing Jesus with people without having to fight with my coworkers to do so. I saw this glowing life on that other side of the fence – on that noon to 8pm shift. The minute that shift and that opportunity lost some of its glow and wasn’t everything I thought it was going to be, I seemed to have denied the glow all together and saw only dark shadows.
I prayed about it, but school – the type of schooling I wanted (counseling, social work, ministry, seminary) – was not something that was going to happen in my life. Why? Because I would be going for myself, for my own pride and it would have only feed my arrogance of the knowledge I have, God showed me that my heart was not in the right place.
The church that I attend doesn’t have small groups, and I have lost that sense of community of believers. I still miss that deepness and connection of a bible study. And with my schedule it has been difficult to be involved in a ministry or to even find a bible study via another church that is able to fit into that schedule.
My coworkers whine and gossip as if their life depends on it every day. Since I don’t live in the house with them I find it ridiculously difficult to provide them input and feedback some days. I watch them try to treat 3 year olds as if they are 5 or 6. I write to a supervisor who is so overwhelmed that she doesn’t have time to discuss my ideas with me. I watch people who really do not love children(they like them but not love them) work with children every day and my heart breaks.
My friends seem to have made themselves scarce. I know and totally understand that people move on and we are all growing up but it’s really not that difficult to return a phone call. My friends that live the furthest away are somehow the ones that I have seen the most in the last 6 months to a year. And even though I know that it is something that will happen in life – it hurts. I miss the people that understand me, that know me, that lift me up, that make me laugh, that are a break from my day to day routine and I want to spend time with them, is that really so much to ask for?
And all this going on with no children continually surrounding me, no laundry, no massive amounts of cooking, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no decorating, no squeezing in phone calls, no conversations about random happenings, no planning trips and no paperwork. You would think that it would make it all easier to handle and deal with, but not for me – without all that going on around me it is like I have forgotten how to exist and function and be me(whoever that is).
In my identity crisis, Satan has had a field day. Trying to convince me that I switched jobs because I was weak and selfish. Attempting to get me to believe that I am nothing without the boys around, that I am not worth anything without a million things do (or even without 20 things to do), that I am not doing enough in my life or for anyone else. Trying to get me to believe that I am not beautiful or worth the time of other people. And I didn’t recognize these thoughts as Satan as early as I would have liked because, to me, they were all legitimate questions that I have had many times in my life. Not to mention that the house I left as been getting progressively worse in their behaviors and it has been breaking my heart. In the midst of my identity crisis Satan has been at work at another front in my life – my relationship with Rob. The most ridiculous arguments and heated discussions have arose simply because God is moving in Rob’s life. And due to some situations in Rob’s life Satan has tried to twist them around to make me question our relationship. But praise God for the Bailey’s and their commitment to my life- through their prayer and their time with God, they have been able to reassure me that I am in God’s will and it is ticking Satan off.
Through this all I have, at times, lost the ability to see hope and positive things. To see that God is teaching me so much every day- about how to raise children, and how to be a good friend, and how to love Him more AND how to be a woman!! That I am able to go to a church I love every Sunday – that I am able to be filled ever week. That I am attempting to find ministries that fit my schedule and that are where God wants me to be. I have had more time to spend with my own mom and dad and with the Baileys and with Rob. Just today I was able to ask my mom and dad if they would like to go to church with me on easter, and when I say ask I do mean I kind of told them it would be awesome and they should come – but I wouldn’t have been able to do that otherwise.
I know that the next few weeks are going to be trying and that there is something I need to fight inside of me –and it feels like it will be a final breaking away from old habits and old thought patterns about my self worth and how I should be treated in a relationship.
SO, if you can and are willing, please pray for me as the journey begins – well the journey has already begun so a better phrase would be as the journey continues.
PS It seemed rather fitting tonight that I saw Alice in WOnderland
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
complacency
The other day I realized that something just didn't feel right. As I began to look over the last few weeks to see why that might be I realized that I have been ridiculously complacent. I am sure that I could come up with a handful of excuses and seemingly logical reasons as to why I was and many illogical reasons - ranging from work, to schedules, to projects and the like - however, none of those "reasons" are going to change anything or really bring me comfort. In fact, I've noticed that the more I rationalize and excuseize (ya I made it a word) the harder it is for me to come to terms with my complacency and make a move to change it.
For the last few weeks I have (and still do have) a certain restlessness. This feeling that I'm not doing something that I should be doing - maybe it is as simple as reading my bible and spending intentional time in prayer daily or maybe there is a risk I need to take or maybe a relationship I need to mend or create or maybe, goodness this list could go on for pages. I was finally able to vocalize this feeling the other day - I miss having a group bible study, having more than 2 people I feel I can talk to about God and what He is doing or trying to do in my life, my new job switch isn't really giving me the sense of peace that I thought it would (or maybe I'm not allowing it to), I miss being involved in a church and that sense of being involved in something bigger (though I know that Mooseheart really is being involved in something bigger).
Part of the problem has been that things are actually going really well. And I do praise God for that and am thankful for the lack of true worry. I have a job, I have enough money (most days), I have my Bailey-Jesus family, I have a pretty awesome boyfriend, and things with my parents/sister are even going better than usual. Yet, I'm missing my other friends, everyone is so busy, and I'm confused about my job and career path for the future. In a way I feel like I have been selfish with my job switch and in a way I feel like it doesn't allow me to do much else - working noon to eight is not playing out as beautifully as I had seen it; but I do still believe this was a switch I was supposed to take.
My main concern is making sure that God is always first. I know that He is part of my life everyday and that He speaks to me in many ways - the songs I hear, the people I talk to, the thoughts in my head - but I thrive and love that intentional, set aside, every day just God and me time. I sometimes worry that I kind of put Rob first, not in that idol sort of way - but in that he is physically there for me, that he can listen and we can talk through most problems that arise in our lives...although that is until he and I are arguing...hmmm...I mightbe on to something here.
All that to say, if you made it this far, and you talk to me in the next few days - ask me how I'm doing with my intentional God time, please :) I started reading Romans today and I would like to read at least a chapter a day. And I've also started to re-read Captivating as well. I think that it will be a good reminder for me.
I know that God is teaching me things even through my hap-hazard time with Him. This morning it clicked in my brain why a woman can't really mentor and man and vice versa. We just don't operate on the same system, the same playing field, the same recipe, the same appliance - whatever analogy ya need to have it make sense. And while that's something I've always understood the more of a woman I have become the more I am really understanding it - amazing how that happens, I know :)
For the last few weeks I have (and still do have) a certain restlessness. This feeling that I'm not doing something that I should be doing - maybe it is as simple as reading my bible and spending intentional time in prayer daily or maybe there is a risk I need to take or maybe a relationship I need to mend or create or maybe, goodness this list could go on for pages. I was finally able to vocalize this feeling the other day - I miss having a group bible study, having more than 2 people I feel I can talk to about God and what He is doing or trying to do in my life, my new job switch isn't really giving me the sense of peace that I thought it would (or maybe I'm not allowing it to), I miss being involved in a church and that sense of being involved in something bigger (though I know that Mooseheart really is being involved in something bigger).
Part of the problem has been that things are actually going really well. And I do praise God for that and am thankful for the lack of true worry. I have a job, I have enough money (most days), I have my Bailey-Jesus family, I have a pretty awesome boyfriend, and things with my parents/sister are even going better than usual. Yet, I'm missing my other friends, everyone is so busy, and I'm confused about my job and career path for the future. In a way I feel like I have been selfish with my job switch and in a way I feel like it doesn't allow me to do much else - working noon to eight is not playing out as beautifully as I had seen it; but I do still believe this was a switch I was supposed to take.
My main concern is making sure that God is always first. I know that He is part of my life everyday and that He speaks to me in many ways - the songs I hear, the people I talk to, the thoughts in my head - but I thrive and love that intentional, set aside, every day just God and me time. I sometimes worry that I kind of put Rob first, not in that idol sort of way - but in that he is physically there for me, that he can listen and we can talk through most problems that arise in our lives...although that is until he and I are arguing...hmmm...I mightbe on to something here.
All that to say, if you made it this far, and you talk to me in the next few days - ask me how I'm doing with my intentional God time, please :) I started reading Romans today and I would like to read at least a chapter a day. And I've also started to re-read Captivating as well. I think that it will be a good reminder for me.
I know that God is teaching me things even through my hap-hazard time with Him. This morning it clicked in my brain why a woman can't really mentor and man and vice versa. We just don't operate on the same system, the same playing field, the same recipe, the same appliance - whatever analogy ya need to have it make sense. And while that's something I've always understood the more of a woman I have become the more I am really understanding it - amazing how that happens, I know :)
Monday, February 15, 2010
judgement
I was going thru the first part of a study about Rahab today that was focusing on forgiveness and judging others- which makes total sense when talking about Rahab. But I find myself trying to rationalize my thought processes which usually means that I'm not totally accepting what I was studying.
I do not have any problems with forgiveness and I love reading about. Being reminded of how much God loves us and has forgiven us when we ask it of Him. That Jesus was willing to die for all of us as a sacrifice and God is always there to pick up broken pieces and mold us back into the shape he desired for us to be in the first place. It's so beautiful the forgiveness that is bestowed upon us. Then knowing that once we are forgiven we are called to forgive others and not hold their past's or their choices against them. Of course that part is harder but it can also bring about so much peace.
Then came judgement and I must admit that I don't particularly like the way that the author went about this section. She initiates the section by saying "According to the following verses, how can we push past our prejudices- our 'prejudgement'- of people and see them simply as sinners saved by grace, just as we are?" After which she proceeds to list these verses: John 13:33-34, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13-15, and 1 Peter 3:8. All of those verses tell us that we are not to judge each other but to love, show compassion, forgive each each other, and live in harmony. Which is awesome but how does that help a person to now judge? What does it really mean to judge a person? I have a lot of judgements about the people that are in my life and even the people that I meet every day and some of them are not very nice judgements. But that does not really stop me from working well with that person, or hanging out with that person, or "loving" that person - I just still, in my brain, think they are slow, or egotictical, or lazy, or arrogant, or whatever the judgement is that I have about them. Sometimes judgements are based on watching a habitual behavior from a single person. Is that a bad thing?
How is a judgement different than an opinion? They seem to be rather interchangeable. Or does it only become a judgement when you hold something against the person, or place a limitation on what you believe they can do b/c of the opinion that you have formed? Which makes a judgement an act upon opinion.
Then again, maybe I'm way out in left field and thinking about something that doesn't need to be thought about so much
I do not have any problems with forgiveness and I love reading about. Being reminded of how much God loves us and has forgiven us when we ask it of Him. That Jesus was willing to die for all of us as a sacrifice and God is always there to pick up broken pieces and mold us back into the shape he desired for us to be in the first place. It's so beautiful the forgiveness that is bestowed upon us. Then knowing that once we are forgiven we are called to forgive others and not hold their past's or their choices against them. Of course that part is harder but it can also bring about so much peace.
Then came judgement and I must admit that I don't particularly like the way that the author went about this section. She initiates the section by saying "According to the following verses, how can we push past our prejudices- our 'prejudgement'- of people and see them simply as sinners saved by grace, just as we are?" After which she proceeds to list these verses: John 13:33-34, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13-15, and 1 Peter 3:8. All of those verses tell us that we are not to judge each other but to love, show compassion, forgive each each other, and live in harmony. Which is awesome but how does that help a person to now judge? What does it really mean to judge a person? I have a lot of judgements about the people that are in my life and even the people that I meet every day and some of them are not very nice judgements. But that does not really stop me from working well with that person, or hanging out with that person, or "loving" that person - I just still, in my brain, think they are slow, or egotictical, or lazy, or arrogant, or whatever the judgement is that I have about them. Sometimes judgements are based on watching a habitual behavior from a single person. Is that a bad thing?
How is a judgement different than an opinion? They seem to be rather interchangeable. Or does it only become a judgement when you hold something against the person, or place a limitation on what you believe they can do b/c of the opinion that you have formed? Which makes a judgement an act upon opinion.
Then again, maybe I'm way out in left field and thinking about something that doesn't need to be thought about so much
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Abraham's seeking
Genesis 18:16 - 19:29
As Abraham is talking with God in Genesis 18, asking if God would spare the city of Sodom if there were 50 righteous people in the city, then 40, then 30, then 20, and then 10 I don’t believe that he is pleading with God. Abraham said “Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep ir away and not spare the place fir the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? (25) Far be it from you to do such a thing - to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?” Though many have seen this as Abraham challenging God, I believe that Abraham is trying to understand the character and consistency of God. Abraham has been taught of God’s unfailing love and God’s righteous judgment. I believe that Abraham was questioning God for the sake of understanding and in a way of seeking wisdom, not in a challenge. When I think of a plea I think of someone getting on his/her knees and pleading and begging for something to not be done (or maybe to be done). A plea, to me, would have been more like “God, would you please NOT destroy the city of Sodom. My family, whom I love, resides there and they are righteous and I do not wish for them to be destroyed.”
Instead, Abraham is seeking of God. Seeking to understand what would God allow, and confirming that God would not allow the righteous to be destroyed. Though Abraham asks God ‘will you…’ He never says ‘God don’t, or God do this instead’ nor does Abraham bring his family (lot) up in the conversation that he has with God. Rather, I believe that Abraham was doing just as God calls us to do today - to question and be a steward (breatheren ??) of The Word.
And God continues to demonstrate his character as he patiently talks with Abraham. God never yells at Abraham, he never tells Abraham to stop asking questions and the scripture ends leaving the feeling that Abraham was satisfied with God’s responses. “When the LORD had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home”.
The end result was that Sodom was still destroyed, along with Gomorrah. Yes, Lot and his family were rescued from the destruction of the city - but I don’t believe we have evidence that God planned on destroying Lot and his family from the start. In 19:29 when it says that “So when God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered Abraham and he brought Lot out of the catastrophe that overthrew the cities where Lot had lived” I do not read it to mean that God remembered Abraham’s “pleading” so He spared Lot. Rather I think God remembered Abraham in passing, in the way that passing a toy store reminds you of childhood memories. Not in the way that God did something solely because of Abraham’s “pleading” because that in itself would go against God’s all-knowing character. Only God can see the bigger picture of our lives and this universe- so no matter how much pleading was done, had it not been for the better of those involved and the rest of civilization then God still would not have done it. But, as demonstrated by God’s patience, I believe that He still wants us to voice our ideas, thoughts, concerns and questions regardless of the outcomes that will still come.
Is it possible that the conversation with Abraham was just another test from God, to see if Abraham cared enough about his family to ask God if He would destroy the righteous?
I also wonder what kept Lot from returning to Abraham - if he wasn’t ready to meet his brother? Why did he ask to run to flee to a different location? Verse 19 says “Your servant has found favor in your eyes, and you have shown great kindness to me in sparing my life. But I can’t flee to the mountains, this disaster will over take me, and I’ll die” What was this disaster that he was talking about? The disaster of having to flee his town and it being burnt? The disaster of losing his stuff? The disaster of facing Abraham? What was that disaster and why did the angel, whom Abraham was talking to, allow him to change his fleeing location? Maybe Zoar is really where God wanted Lot to take his family and God knew that if He had told Lot to go to Zoar that Lot would have asked to go to the mountains. I mean Lot was living with a pretty nasty group of people, maybe God knew that too many demands at once would throw Lot off and cause another rebellion. Maybe God knew that Lot needed to still feel some sense of power and control in His life to help him keep pushing along. Had Lot not gone to Zoar, his daughters might not have slept with him and created the leaders of the Moabites and Ammonites??
As Abraham is talking with God in Genesis 18, asking if God would spare the city of Sodom if there were 50 righteous people in the city, then 40, then 30, then 20, and then 10 I don’t believe that he is pleading with God. Abraham said “Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep ir away and not spare the place fir the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? (25) Far be it from you to do such a thing - to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?” Though many have seen this as Abraham challenging God, I believe that Abraham is trying to understand the character and consistency of God. Abraham has been taught of God’s unfailing love and God’s righteous judgment. I believe that Abraham was questioning God for the sake of understanding and in a way of seeking wisdom, not in a challenge. When I think of a plea I think of someone getting on his/her knees and pleading and begging for something to not be done (or maybe to be done). A plea, to me, would have been more like “God, would you please NOT destroy the city of Sodom. My family, whom I love, resides there and they are righteous and I do not wish for them to be destroyed.”
Instead, Abraham is seeking of God. Seeking to understand what would God allow, and confirming that God would not allow the righteous to be destroyed. Though Abraham asks God ‘will you…’ He never says ‘God don’t, or God do this instead’ nor does Abraham bring his family (lot) up in the conversation that he has with God. Rather, I believe that Abraham was doing just as God calls us to do today - to question and be a steward (breatheren ??) of The Word.
And God continues to demonstrate his character as he patiently talks with Abraham. God never yells at Abraham, he never tells Abraham to stop asking questions and the scripture ends leaving the feeling that Abraham was satisfied with God’s responses. “When the LORD had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home”.
The end result was that Sodom was still destroyed, along with Gomorrah. Yes, Lot and his family were rescued from the destruction of the city - but I don’t believe we have evidence that God planned on destroying Lot and his family from the start. In 19:29 when it says that “So when God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered Abraham and he brought Lot out of the catastrophe that overthrew the cities where Lot had lived” I do not read it to mean that God remembered Abraham’s “pleading” so He spared Lot. Rather I think God remembered Abraham in passing, in the way that passing a toy store reminds you of childhood memories. Not in the way that God did something solely because of Abraham’s “pleading” because that in itself would go against God’s all-knowing character. Only God can see the bigger picture of our lives and this universe- so no matter how much pleading was done, had it not been for the better of those involved and the rest of civilization then God still would not have done it. But, as demonstrated by God’s patience, I believe that He still wants us to voice our ideas, thoughts, concerns and questions regardless of the outcomes that will still come.
Is it possible that the conversation with Abraham was just another test from God, to see if Abraham cared enough about his family to ask God if He would destroy the righteous?
I also wonder what kept Lot from returning to Abraham - if he wasn’t ready to meet his brother? Why did he ask to run to flee to a different location? Verse 19 says “Your servant has found favor in your eyes, and you have shown great kindness to me in sparing my life. But I can’t flee to the mountains, this disaster will over take me, and I’ll die” What was this disaster that he was talking about? The disaster of having to flee his town and it being burnt? The disaster of losing his stuff? The disaster of facing Abraham? What was that disaster and why did the angel, whom Abraham was talking to, allow him to change his fleeing location? Maybe Zoar is really where God wanted Lot to take his family and God knew that if He had told Lot to go to Zoar that Lot would have asked to go to the mountains. I mean Lot was living with a pretty nasty group of people, maybe God knew that too many demands at once would throw Lot off and cause another rebellion. Maybe God knew that Lot needed to still feel some sense of power and control in His life to help him keep pushing along. Had Lot not gone to Zoar, his daughters might not have slept with him and created the leaders of the Moabites and Ammonites??
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