Cookie Cutters- pieces of plastic or metal that are predesigned and premade, they are designed for the purpose of creating something (usually cookies) to all look the same. To make it easier for the baker and to ensure that all the pieces look the same. Now, while this is wonderful for baking or making molds or houses or any stuff like that, it is boring and mundane.
So, what I want to know (kind of) is who had the genius idea to create cookie cutters for people? I suppose that I could be more specific: why have we (society) created a cookie cutter Christian? Think about it. When you think about a person who is a Christian – you have a certain set of ideals, actions, activities, likes, dislikes, attire and music that initially pop into your mind. On the one hand, that is understandable, you take in the people that you know and you create stereotype: that is pretty natural.
However, what is not natural, is the cookie cutter that comes from within the church. When a church makes you feel like there is a list of things that you need to do in order to be accepted. When it makes you feel that you need to act a certain way, say certain things, hang out with certain people and on and on and on. It makes my heart hurt. There is no cookie cutter for people!! There is nothing that you have to do- just love the Lord and believe in Him and Jesus. And even if you don’t believe that, you should still be welcome into any church – there should not ever be a cookie cutter scanner at the doorway of a church that only makes certain people feel welcome. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. That being said I want to apologize and stand in any gap for any time a church or a Christian has made you feel that you are not good enough, or worth their time, or made you feel uncomfortable with your life, or anything. Really, I’m serious. I know that I can’t take anything you’ve been told, called or felt back. I can’t change it, but I want to apologize anyway. And if there is something that I can do, just let me know.
Life is messy. Cookie cutters can’t handle messes. Some days are bad and you struggle to find the good in them. People will make you angry, they will hurt you and make you never want to trust them or anyone else again. Sadness is real. Events in our lives don’ t make sense. We will never, in this life, understand why justice seems so far away. It is impossible to help everyone, and some days it feels like it is impossible help anyone. Hearts break. Loved ones are lost. Breaks can seemingly take forever to be caught. What happens to you might not be fair. When life gets messy you might want to swear, hit things, run away, cry, scream, have a drink, smoke something, be alone, sing, dance, be surrounded by people, be angry with God or goodness knows what else. And in all honesty, your reaction, whatever it is, is okay. Your reaction doesn’t make you any less of a person or any more of a person for that matter. More importantly, I think, is your honesty.
All that to say, forget the cookie cutter. Forget that it might have once existed. Forget the people who told you or made you feel you ever needed to fit into one. Just forget it. There’s no place for cookie cutters in this world :-)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Bottom Line
The summary of a conversation and thought process with my friend Jasper.
The teachings and the life of Jesus are simple, not always easy but simple. Jesus traveled around to villages with two purposes: to teach the people about the kingdom of God and to show them love. During his life time Jesus was asked (Matthew 22:36) which is the greatest commandment? Jesus replied (22:37-40) Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Now, of all the things that Jesus could have said, these are the words that he chose; to speak of love. Not only did Jesus say that it is first important to love the Lord with everything that we have, but he goes a step further to say that loving our neighbors and ourselves is like loving the Lord; as in it is parallel and holds the same weight. Jesus also defined who our neighbor is in the parable of the good Samaritan (Luke 10: 25-37) as everyone around you.
In addition as Jesus was gathered with his disciples at the last supper he told his disciples (John 13:34-35) “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so that you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Again, of all the things that Jesus could choose to talk to his disciples about, he chooses love. He doesn’t give them a list of rules, or tasks, or places to go; he simply says love as you have seen me love.
So, how did the disciples see Jesus love? The gospels are flooded with examples of Jesus displaying love but one of my favorites is in John 8. A woman had been caught IN THE ACT of adultery (kind of glad that is one time the Bible leaves out some details). At the time, the Law would say to stone the woman to death. The Pharisees (religious rulers of the day) brought the woman out to Jesus as asked Him what they should do to this woman. Jesus responded (v. 8) ‘Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.’ WHAT? This woman had been caught in an illegal act and Jesus’ response was one of compassion and love and it didn’t end there. None of the men cast a stone. Jesus looked at the woman and said that he did not condemn her and told her ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.’ That’s right, no guilt trip, no Romans way, no testimony, just a reminder that she was not condemned.
Or all of the times when Jesus would have dinner with the tax collectors, talk to the woman at the well, heal children and adults who were ill, raised loved ones from the dead, spent time with those who society had outcast, feeding the crowd of 4,000 instead of leaving them to fend for themselves, and many more.
So, it would seem that love is the bottom line of Jesus ministry and love is what he most desires us to live out. If Jesus led a life of love, and we are called to be like him, then we to should live a life of love. Unfortunately, love is a word that has been tossed around, misused and abused by society (especially by Hollywood). Thankfully, the apostle Paul gives us a beautiful and tangible definition of love (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8): “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” Now many people have this read a weddings, which is wonderful and romantic and all that jazz, but this love does not only apply to marriages. This love is a way of life- every day. This is the love that Jesus walked out every day! This is the way that we are to treat every person we encounter. It saddens my heart that many ‘churches’ and Christian circles have lost sight of what the bottom line of Christianity is: Love God and Love others. In this, there is no place for: rules that turn into legalism, only allowing a certain group of people into your church, condemning a person for their sins, boasting about books published or what your church offers, giving up on a person going through a rough patch, creating a hierarchy of sins, or making people jump through hoops after they have done wrong. The “job” if you will, for the body of Christ is to love, to not dishonor. It should be like our Christian DNA. It won’t always be easy, it will hurt and it will be messy- but so was the life of Jesus. Love, it is the bottom line!
Here is another way of looking at it, a quote about love from Andrew Martin, and he is talking specifically about the GLBT community, but really it is applicable to the way that Christians treat any group/type of people. “What do these tangible, measurable and unconditional behaviors look like? They are nonjudgmental safe place- an environment that fosters a trustworthy relationship with someone else. Love is a walk, a hug, a dinner, an ear a fun trip – all free of the condemning and ostracizing that the GLBT person ‘knows’ is coming from Christians. This type of love says that no matter whom you are, no matter what you do or no matter what you say I have your back, and I refuse to give up- whether or not there’s ‘change’ – because my Father (referring to God) will never give up on me.”
The teachings and the life of Jesus are simple, not always easy but simple. Jesus traveled around to villages with two purposes: to teach the people about the kingdom of God and to show them love. During his life time Jesus was asked (Matthew 22:36) which is the greatest commandment? Jesus replied (22:37-40) Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Now, of all the things that Jesus could have said, these are the words that he chose; to speak of love. Not only did Jesus say that it is first important to love the Lord with everything that we have, but he goes a step further to say that loving our neighbors and ourselves is like loving the Lord; as in it is parallel and holds the same weight. Jesus also defined who our neighbor is in the parable of the good Samaritan (Luke 10: 25-37) as everyone around you.
In addition as Jesus was gathered with his disciples at the last supper he told his disciples (John 13:34-35) “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so that you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Again, of all the things that Jesus could choose to talk to his disciples about, he chooses love. He doesn’t give them a list of rules, or tasks, or places to go; he simply says love as you have seen me love.
So, how did the disciples see Jesus love? The gospels are flooded with examples of Jesus displaying love but one of my favorites is in John 8. A woman had been caught IN THE ACT of adultery (kind of glad that is one time the Bible leaves out some details). At the time, the Law would say to stone the woman to death. The Pharisees (religious rulers of the day) brought the woman out to Jesus as asked Him what they should do to this woman. Jesus responded (v. 8) ‘Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.’ WHAT? This woman had been caught in an illegal act and Jesus’ response was one of compassion and love and it didn’t end there. None of the men cast a stone. Jesus looked at the woman and said that he did not condemn her and told her ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.’ That’s right, no guilt trip, no Romans way, no testimony, just a reminder that she was not condemned.
Or all of the times when Jesus would have dinner with the tax collectors, talk to the woman at the well, heal children and adults who were ill, raised loved ones from the dead, spent time with those who society had outcast, feeding the crowd of 4,000 instead of leaving them to fend for themselves, and many more.
So, it would seem that love is the bottom line of Jesus ministry and love is what he most desires us to live out. If Jesus led a life of love, and we are called to be like him, then we to should live a life of love. Unfortunately, love is a word that has been tossed around, misused and abused by society (especially by Hollywood). Thankfully, the apostle Paul gives us a beautiful and tangible definition of love (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8): “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” Now many people have this read a weddings, which is wonderful and romantic and all that jazz, but this love does not only apply to marriages. This love is a way of life- every day. This is the love that Jesus walked out every day! This is the way that we are to treat every person we encounter. It saddens my heart that many ‘churches’ and Christian circles have lost sight of what the bottom line of Christianity is: Love God and Love others. In this, there is no place for: rules that turn into legalism, only allowing a certain group of people into your church, condemning a person for their sins, boasting about books published or what your church offers, giving up on a person going through a rough patch, creating a hierarchy of sins, or making people jump through hoops after they have done wrong. The “job” if you will, for the body of Christ is to love, to not dishonor. It should be like our Christian DNA. It won’t always be easy, it will hurt and it will be messy- but so was the life of Jesus. Love, it is the bottom line!
Here is another way of looking at it, a quote about love from Andrew Martin, and he is talking specifically about the GLBT community, but really it is applicable to the way that Christians treat any group/type of people. “What do these tangible, measurable and unconditional behaviors look like? They are nonjudgmental safe place- an environment that fosters a trustworthy relationship with someone else. Love is a walk, a hug, a dinner, an ear a fun trip – all free of the condemning and ostracizing that the GLBT person ‘knows’ is coming from Christians. This type of love says that no matter whom you are, no matter what you do or no matter what you say I have your back, and I refuse to give up- whether or not there’s ‘change’ – because my Father (referring to God) will never give up on me.”
Saturday, July 31, 2010
much more than a scape goat
Why in the world I'm up before 10 on a Saturday, I am not sure but alas here I am. I made some coffee and muffins and sat down with my Bible. I read some of Paul's letters and then decided to pick up something from the old testament; lucky me, I had left off in Leviticus. I was reading about the feasts and sacrifices and thinking about how crazy that would be if we still had to abide by those laws today. I thanked God for sending us His son as our forever sacrifice. I do wonder though, if God has waited to send Jesus, would we still all be farming? Would there have been a "delay" in the advancement of technology?? It just created a very interesting picture in my mind.
But, thinking about "what if's" is not always something great, and I kept reading. In the back of my head I was thinking about this book I had been reading "love is an orientation" and how the author explains how to look at New Testament passages without completely ignoring the old law. And I get to chapter 24 of Leviticus, when a person blasphemes the Lord, and is held in prison until the Lord has clearly spoken to Moses. (which is also awesome - how many times could I make a better decision if I waited for the Lord to clearly speak to me instead of just jumping to conclusions or deciding for myself what I should do). And then God spoke and told the village to take him outside the walls and stone the man who blasphemed. hold up God. Wait just a cotton pickin' minute (that's what I thought to myself). You, the God of grace, abounding in love, slow to anger, and full of mercy want them to stone this guy just cuz he called you a name?? And I thought I had a problem with jealousy!! Then I started to think about how angry God really is in the old testament - flooding the earth, banning Cain, making women barren, telling people to take an eye for an eye and creating lots of laws. For cry eye, no wonder people think so poorly of Him at time. (don't worry I got good things out of this...just wait). And I realized that God kinda used the animals and the sacrifices as scapegoats. As a person sacrificed the animal, I think God allowed his anger on that person (for their wrong doings) to also be released. Maybe that is why there were so many different types of sacrifices, cuz people did a lot of things that were wrong and that upset God. But I can only imagine the way that God might have felt- after making a beautiful creation and all these people only for them to hate each other and not love Him. Not to mention that God was doing this all on His own from heaven - sure He had the angels and the trinity has always existed but there was nothing tangible for the people to see. How could God show His love if he was constantly disciplining. So then God sends us His son, Jesus, to be that tangible something. TO show us the compassion that God has, to show the love and the grace and the mercy and all those things that can be difficult to show through discipline. But Jesus does more than that. Not only does he show those things, he is the ultimate and biggest scape goat. God was able to take out all of his anger at the world, all of his sadness, all of his discipline out on one person. One man to take on the sins of the world - what a responsibility. What a man Jesus was to be able to take it all. To realize that he, Jesus, was helping his Father to illustrate love, and show the world how great God truly is. After the new covenant is made God still disciplines us but look at how different it is from the old testament discipline. Because God is able to look at us through his son now. God was able to say everything he needed to say, more or less.
Just the other day Rob and I were talking. And though I have been trying to release many harboring thoughts, i still have some. I still have anger and hurt that I've held on to. So he has given me an exercise to try, that is essentially the same as what I just mentioned above. To take an stick like object and to go out where no one else is around. To say positive affirmations, that are the opposite of the the anger and hurt, and to hit the ground as hard as I can each time I say those positive affirmations. TO use the ground and the stick as my scapegoat, to take it out on something that can handle it. I can just imagine God, up in heaven, every time something horrible happened to Jesus, each lash of the whip, of God crying and saying "I love you", "I want what is best for you", "you don't need your addictions", "I will help you stop selling yourself" and thousands and millions of other positive affirmations about His son and His people and His creation.
But, thinking about "what if's" is not always something great, and I kept reading. In the back of my head I was thinking about this book I had been reading "love is an orientation" and how the author explains how to look at New Testament passages without completely ignoring the old law. And I get to chapter 24 of Leviticus, when a person blasphemes the Lord, and is held in prison until the Lord has clearly spoken to Moses. (which is also awesome - how many times could I make a better decision if I waited for the Lord to clearly speak to me instead of just jumping to conclusions or deciding for myself what I should do). And then God spoke and told the village to take him outside the walls and stone the man who blasphemed. hold up God. Wait just a cotton pickin' minute (that's what I thought to myself). You, the God of grace, abounding in love, slow to anger, and full of mercy want them to stone this guy just cuz he called you a name?? And I thought I had a problem with jealousy!! Then I started to think about how angry God really is in the old testament - flooding the earth, banning Cain, making women barren, telling people to take an eye for an eye and creating lots of laws. For cry eye, no wonder people think so poorly of Him at time. (don't worry I got good things out of this...just wait). And I realized that God kinda used the animals and the sacrifices as scapegoats. As a person sacrificed the animal, I think God allowed his anger on that person (for their wrong doings) to also be released. Maybe that is why there were so many different types of sacrifices, cuz people did a lot of things that were wrong and that upset God. But I can only imagine the way that God might have felt- after making a beautiful creation and all these people only for them to hate each other and not love Him. Not to mention that God was doing this all on His own from heaven - sure He had the angels and the trinity has always existed but there was nothing tangible for the people to see. How could God show His love if he was constantly disciplining. So then God sends us His son, Jesus, to be that tangible something. TO show us the compassion that God has, to show the love and the grace and the mercy and all those things that can be difficult to show through discipline. But Jesus does more than that. Not only does he show those things, he is the ultimate and biggest scape goat. God was able to take out all of his anger at the world, all of his sadness, all of his discipline out on one person. One man to take on the sins of the world - what a responsibility. What a man Jesus was to be able to take it all. To realize that he, Jesus, was helping his Father to illustrate love, and show the world how great God truly is. After the new covenant is made God still disciplines us but look at how different it is from the old testament discipline. Because God is able to look at us through his son now. God was able to say everything he needed to say, more or less.
Just the other day Rob and I were talking. And though I have been trying to release many harboring thoughts, i still have some. I still have anger and hurt that I've held on to. So he has given me an exercise to try, that is essentially the same as what I just mentioned above. To take an stick like object and to go out where no one else is around. To say positive affirmations, that are the opposite of the the anger and hurt, and to hit the ground as hard as I can each time I say those positive affirmations. TO use the ground and the stick as my scapegoat, to take it out on something that can handle it. I can just imagine God, up in heaven, every time something horrible happened to Jesus, each lash of the whip, of God crying and saying "I love you", "I want what is best for you", "you don't need your addictions", "I will help you stop selling yourself" and thousands and millions of other positive affirmations about His son and His people and His creation.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Harboring
When I think of harboring, I think of a boat pulling into the harbor to be tied up to a dock, or anchored down in a specific location with other boats. And the boat just sits there, unable to go anywhere or do anything until its owner comes back, unties the boat and takes it out for a drive. When the drive is over the boat returns the the harbor. Fortunately for boats they don't have feelings or get bored with being in the same spot.
For me, this illustrates the workings of a persons mind. The boats represents our thoughts- ya know those things that we think about then store (harbor if you will) in our brains. And just like the boats, until we untie the thought and take it out for a spin, it just sits there and often festers. When a thought just sits in our brain it is useless to us. After reading "battlefield of the mind" I truely believe that our harbored thoughts are were satan looks to the most; looking to see what hasn't been brought up in a while- making it easier for him to twist and distort the thought into tosmething it was never meant to be. OR, when thoughts are harbored they just aren't dealt with. When a person has been hurt and does not take the time to deal with the hurt, the hurt just sits there. It's easy to think that you've moved on, or that something/someone else has replaced that hurt. That is, until, someone else hurts you and that initial hurt is suddenly flung forward; as if the speed boat has been untied with the motor running and no one is driving the boat. There is not telling what will come next, who will get crashed into and what damage will be done. Suddenly this little hurt that was harbored and ignored feels multiplied and it has now consumed your thoughts. Now not just one or two people have hurt you - suddenly everyone has. It doesn't matter if you have known a person for one day, you are convinced that they are out to get you, they looked at you funny, they were starring at your desk, wanting a ride to work everyday, and on and on.
How easy it is to blow things out of proportion; especially when thoughts are harbored up in our head.
I will admit, that I have a problem with harboring. IT has become ridiculously apparent to me over the last couple months. I think that the reason it became apparent was that I had run out of places to harbor more thoughts and I was having a difficult time talking nicely about people.
I have harbored thoughts about "how my mother acts" from the time I was old enough to remember. Every time that she would have a few drinks and seemingly make fun of me, when she thought it was odd that I volunteered, when she said that I could have whatever faith i wanted as long as I didn't shove it down her throat, when she refuses to come to church with me, when she would forget to send my credit card statements, when she tried to tell me that I didn't need to be helping my cousin, when she didn't notice I had lost 20 pounds or that I wanted to kill myself because I refused to show any feelings....
I have harbored thoughts about my friends when they don't return phone calls, have to cancel plans, when they refuse to make plans, when they seemingly call only when they need things, when they turn their backs on everything they believed in, about the conversations that we have, when we just grow apart...
I have harbored thoughts about my father when he was always working, how he refuses to stop smoking or take care of his weight, when he asks ridiculous questions that make me feel like I'm incapable or doing things on my own, when he tells me not to shove my faith down his throat, when he lets his mother guilt him and the rest of us around, when he doesn't ask me and just tells me....
I have harbored thoughts about my co-workers when they are late, when they don't plan an activity, when they don't talk to me, when they tell me their life story, when they make scheduling difficult, when they whine, when they tattle, when they breathe wrong ....
And what is sadly intriguing is that I never ask them (my mother, father, friends or co-workers) why they made those choices, I rarely ask for clarification, I don't take into account everything else that could be going on at the time (at least not immediately), I just harbor. I take each act as an attack against me and I harbor it in this place inside of me. I harbor it to the point where I can't have a conversation with any of them- my words are short and sharp and dripping with an intent to hurt. They are oozing with the hopes that the other person will realize the wrong that they have done to me. Piercing in ways that not even a knife could hurt. Like I'm setting them up for a trap - it doesn't matter what they say. I've made their anchors heavier than the boat itself from all the harboring, and it just starts to sink - the problem is that I get pulled down with it.
So what do I get from harboring? I get bitterness. I get to feel alone in a world that is already cold which leads to me being along because I won't give anyone the chance to talk. It leaves me feeling "why me?". And the fact is that none of my harbored thoughts are really that bad, almost none of them are attacks against me. Life happens, yet I continue to turn the pain inwards and make it about me. Which I believe, makes harboring a condition of the heart.
Despite years of counseling and "self help" books and amazing friends - there is still something inside of my heart that I have not let go of or that I have not figured out just yet. There is something that I have not turned over to God, something that satan has been having a field day with. As I wrote that, I feel as though I still crave to do everything on my own. For so long, all I had was myself to push me, and those that were closest to me (esp those after i came to Christ) were the ones who hurt me the most, tore my heart up like no other. And I think that I harbor those thoughts and they have created a fear inside of me, a fear of letting others get close enough to do the same thing. So, in order to make sure I could do it by myself, I sub consciously kept people away by harboring thoughts to create walls.
Father God, I pray that you would help me to no longer harbor my thoughts. Lord, that I may open my mouth and release them to you. God that I was allow people to clarify and that I would not take every action from others as though it is against myself. Father that I would cease to be bitter with those who are trying to be in my life, regardless of what may have happened in the past. Jesus may you provide opportunities for me to put this in practice. May I not allow the actions of others to impede the acts that you have given me to do. Lord may I have strength from you as I work through this and wisdom to know if I'm headed in the right direction. In your Son's precious name. Amen.
For me, this illustrates the workings of a persons mind. The boats represents our thoughts- ya know those things that we think about then store (harbor if you will) in our brains. And just like the boats, until we untie the thought and take it out for a spin, it just sits there and often festers. When a thought just sits in our brain it is useless to us. After reading "battlefield of the mind" I truely believe that our harbored thoughts are were satan looks to the most; looking to see what hasn't been brought up in a while- making it easier for him to twist and distort the thought into tosmething it was never meant to be. OR, when thoughts are harbored they just aren't dealt with. When a person has been hurt and does not take the time to deal with the hurt, the hurt just sits there. It's easy to think that you've moved on, or that something/someone else has replaced that hurt. That is, until, someone else hurts you and that initial hurt is suddenly flung forward; as if the speed boat has been untied with the motor running and no one is driving the boat. There is not telling what will come next, who will get crashed into and what damage will be done. Suddenly this little hurt that was harbored and ignored feels multiplied and it has now consumed your thoughts. Now not just one or two people have hurt you - suddenly everyone has. It doesn't matter if you have known a person for one day, you are convinced that they are out to get you, they looked at you funny, they were starring at your desk, wanting a ride to work everyday, and on and on.
How easy it is to blow things out of proportion; especially when thoughts are harbored up in our head.
I will admit, that I have a problem with harboring. IT has become ridiculously apparent to me over the last couple months. I think that the reason it became apparent was that I had run out of places to harbor more thoughts and I was having a difficult time talking nicely about people.
I have harbored thoughts about "how my mother acts" from the time I was old enough to remember. Every time that she would have a few drinks and seemingly make fun of me, when she thought it was odd that I volunteered, when she said that I could have whatever faith i wanted as long as I didn't shove it down her throat, when she refuses to come to church with me, when she would forget to send my credit card statements, when she tried to tell me that I didn't need to be helping my cousin, when she didn't notice I had lost 20 pounds or that I wanted to kill myself because I refused to show any feelings....
I have harbored thoughts about my friends when they don't return phone calls, have to cancel plans, when they refuse to make plans, when they seemingly call only when they need things, when they turn their backs on everything they believed in, about the conversations that we have, when we just grow apart...
I have harbored thoughts about my father when he was always working, how he refuses to stop smoking or take care of his weight, when he asks ridiculous questions that make me feel like I'm incapable or doing things on my own, when he tells me not to shove my faith down his throat, when he lets his mother guilt him and the rest of us around, when he doesn't ask me and just tells me....
I have harbored thoughts about my co-workers when they are late, when they don't plan an activity, when they don't talk to me, when they tell me their life story, when they make scheduling difficult, when they whine, when they tattle, when they breathe wrong ....
And what is sadly intriguing is that I never ask them (my mother, father, friends or co-workers) why they made those choices, I rarely ask for clarification, I don't take into account everything else that could be going on at the time (at least not immediately), I just harbor. I take each act as an attack against me and I harbor it in this place inside of me. I harbor it to the point where I can't have a conversation with any of them- my words are short and sharp and dripping with an intent to hurt. They are oozing with the hopes that the other person will realize the wrong that they have done to me. Piercing in ways that not even a knife could hurt. Like I'm setting them up for a trap - it doesn't matter what they say. I've made their anchors heavier than the boat itself from all the harboring, and it just starts to sink - the problem is that I get pulled down with it.
So what do I get from harboring? I get bitterness. I get to feel alone in a world that is already cold which leads to me being along because I won't give anyone the chance to talk. It leaves me feeling "why me?". And the fact is that none of my harbored thoughts are really that bad, almost none of them are attacks against me. Life happens, yet I continue to turn the pain inwards and make it about me. Which I believe, makes harboring a condition of the heart.
Despite years of counseling and "self help" books and amazing friends - there is still something inside of my heart that I have not let go of or that I have not figured out just yet. There is something that I have not turned over to God, something that satan has been having a field day with. As I wrote that, I feel as though I still crave to do everything on my own. For so long, all I had was myself to push me, and those that were closest to me (esp those after i came to Christ) were the ones who hurt me the most, tore my heart up like no other. And I think that I harbor those thoughts and they have created a fear inside of me, a fear of letting others get close enough to do the same thing. So, in order to make sure I could do it by myself, I sub consciously kept people away by harboring thoughts to create walls.
Father God, I pray that you would help me to no longer harbor my thoughts. Lord, that I may open my mouth and release them to you. God that I was allow people to clarify and that I would not take every action from others as though it is against myself. Father that I would cease to be bitter with those who are trying to be in my life, regardless of what may have happened in the past. Jesus may you provide opportunities for me to put this in practice. May I not allow the actions of others to impede the acts that you have given me to do. Lord may I have strength from you as I work through this and wisdom to know if I'm headed in the right direction. In your Son's precious name. Amen.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Redefining Love
So I've been reading this book called Love Is an Orientation...and it pretty much rocks. I came to a chapter titled "reclaiming the word love: measurable unconditional behaviors" and I was just in awe over it. The book was written by a man, andrew martin, who has the desire to bridge the gap between the christian and the GLBT community. Though he is specifically talking to this relationship I think if you read it and just take a step back you will see a new way for love to be handled between any group of peoples/individuals.
Here it is:
There’s a fourth ideal that gets overlooked, an udeal that is not based on sex: Its OK to be yourself before God and not conform to any of the other three ways that seem ideal to the outside world. {referring to the GLBT community and the Chrisitian Community specifically}. The fourth ideal communicates God’s acceptance, validation, affirmation and unconditional love in meeting people as they are, where they are. … It’s an ideal focused on an identity in Christ rather than behavior – straight, gay or celibate – as the judge of one’s acceptability.(102-103)
One summer evening, I was reading an interview with Billy Grahm’s daughter. She was telling some of her fondest memories about her dad and recalled one time in particular, when the Graham family was attending a rally in support of President Bill Clinton after his sex scandal was made public. A reporter asked Billy Graham, ‘Why are you here supporting this man after everything he has done to this country?’ Reverend Grahm’s answer was succinct, powerful and true. ‘It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict, God’s job to judge and my job to love.
…It’s not the job of the Christians to convict the GLBT community. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. It’s the job of Christians to love the GLBT community in a way that is tangible, measurable and unconditional – whether we see our version of ‘change’ happening or not.
That realization has led to my new definition of love: tangible and measurable expressions of one’s unconditional behaviors toward another. My experience has revealed that in the minds of the GLBT people, the word love has been rendered conditional: ‘I will love you if I see you do…,or act like…, or sexually change…” Someone can say the words ‘I love you’ until that person is blue in the face, but it will not matter one bit unless there are measurable, unconditional behaviors attached to those words. My friends, my wife and my family will know that I love them not because I say so but because I show who I am to them by what I do for them.
…
What do these thangible, measurable and unconditional behaviors look like? They are a nonjudgmental safe place – an environment that fosters a trustworthy relationship with someone else. Love is a walk, a hug, a dinner, an ear, a fun trip- all free of the condemning and ostracizing that the GLBT person ‘knows’ is coming from Christians. This type of love says that no matter who you are, no matter what you do or no matter what you say I have your back, and I refuse to give up – whether or not there’s ‘change’ – because my Father [referring to God] will never give up on me.
…
The Bible is full of stories that teach us how to love, instead of just giving us instructions on how to verbally communicate love. Love is to be an action – not a word. Love is recognizing the power of Christ to do what we could only imagine, like physically going to him with the faith of a Roman centurion – greater than all other faith in Isreal. Love is stepping outside the boat to meet your Savior by walking on water, when every ounce of your body is telling you otherwise. Love is boldly pouring expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet when indeed, the poor could have benefited from the money of its potential sale. Love is cutting a hole in a roof and lowering your crippled friend to Jesus when there are no other accessible means to the one who can heal. Love is a poor widow dropping all she has – two very small copper coins worth nothing – into God’s treasury with no guarantee she’ll make it another day. Love is stepping out of all cultural norms to help a beaten-up man lying on the side of the street, despite the fact that his culture despises yours. And love is being the first one to drop the stone because you know your life and sins are no less than any other.
The one thing all of these examples have in common is that they’re acts of love around Jesus, not acts of Jesus himself. We have the power to counterculturally love through our tabgible, measurable and unconditional actions louder than any words could ever be spoken – as Jesus is ever presently there with us in the fay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.
**can't you just imagine a world where everyone loved this way?**
Here it is:
There’s a fourth ideal that gets overlooked, an udeal that is not based on sex: Its OK to be yourself before God and not conform to any of the other three ways that seem ideal to the outside world. {referring to the GLBT community and the Chrisitian Community specifically}. The fourth ideal communicates God’s acceptance, validation, affirmation and unconditional love in meeting people as they are, where they are. … It’s an ideal focused on an identity in Christ rather than behavior – straight, gay or celibate – as the judge of one’s acceptability.(102-103)
One summer evening, I was reading an interview with Billy Grahm’s daughter. She was telling some of her fondest memories about her dad and recalled one time in particular, when the Graham family was attending a rally in support of President Bill Clinton after his sex scandal was made public. A reporter asked Billy Graham, ‘Why are you here supporting this man after everything he has done to this country?’ Reverend Grahm’s answer was succinct, powerful and true. ‘It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict, God’s job to judge and my job to love.
…It’s not the job of the Christians to convict the GLBT community. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. It’s the job of Christians to love the GLBT community in a way that is tangible, measurable and unconditional – whether we see our version of ‘change’ happening or not.
That realization has led to my new definition of love: tangible and measurable expressions of one’s unconditional behaviors toward another. My experience has revealed that in the minds of the GLBT people, the word love has been rendered conditional: ‘I will love you if I see you do…,or act like…, or sexually change…” Someone can say the words ‘I love you’ until that person is blue in the face, but it will not matter one bit unless there are measurable, unconditional behaviors attached to those words. My friends, my wife and my family will know that I love them not because I say so but because I show who I am to them by what I do for them.
…
What do these thangible, measurable and unconditional behaviors look like? They are a nonjudgmental safe place – an environment that fosters a trustworthy relationship with someone else. Love is a walk, a hug, a dinner, an ear, a fun trip- all free of the condemning and ostracizing that the GLBT person ‘knows’ is coming from Christians. This type of love says that no matter who you are, no matter what you do or no matter what you say I have your back, and I refuse to give up – whether or not there’s ‘change’ – because my Father [referring to God] will never give up on me.
…
The Bible is full of stories that teach us how to love, instead of just giving us instructions on how to verbally communicate love. Love is to be an action – not a word. Love is recognizing the power of Christ to do what we could only imagine, like physically going to him with the faith of a Roman centurion – greater than all other faith in Isreal. Love is stepping outside the boat to meet your Savior by walking on water, when every ounce of your body is telling you otherwise. Love is boldly pouring expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet when indeed, the poor could have benefited from the money of its potential sale. Love is cutting a hole in a roof and lowering your crippled friend to Jesus when there are no other accessible means to the one who can heal. Love is a poor widow dropping all she has – two very small copper coins worth nothing – into God’s treasury with no guarantee she’ll make it another day. Love is stepping out of all cultural norms to help a beaten-up man lying on the side of the street, despite the fact that his culture despises yours. And love is being the first one to drop the stone because you know your life and sins are no less than any other.
The one thing all of these examples have in common is that they’re acts of love around Jesus, not acts of Jesus himself. We have the power to counterculturally love through our tabgible, measurable and unconditional actions louder than any words could ever be spoken – as Jesus is ever presently there with us in the fay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.
**can't you just imagine a world where everyone loved this way?**
Monday, April 12, 2010
Things that start with G
GOD you are GOOD and GRACIOUS, abounding with GRACE!
This weekend was amazing! Saturday was spent up on 130 acres of open land - working hard and enjoying the beautiful landscape, enjoying GOd's creation!! As I awoke on sunday morning, I wanted to keep this positive awesome feeling alive inside of me. I also knew that I needed to hear from God, that I needed to experience something new and something heart shattering on Sunday morning. As I drove to pick up Rob, I began to pray. I prayed that I would not be cranky if we were running late. I prayed that God would break through my heart, that I would find strength and hope from whatever message Scott was going to be delivering that morning. I prayed to be released from chains and bondage that had been holding me down. All twenty minutes I prayed, and that alone made me feel rejuvenated.
Now, I love Scott's preaching but this Sunday, I could have left after the first three songs and still have had an amazingly powerful morning. I was nearly brought to tears, as I could feel each set of lyrics piercing my heart, in a way that only musical worship can do. I felt small releases, small convictions, small changes occuring and lifting up from me. I wish I could remember the name of the first two songs that we sang, they were so powerful. And then came the true kicker - It is well with my soul - I think I was crying as I was singing. It hurt to sing such a powerful song, and to realize that as things have been going on around me - it has NOT been well with my soul. It was like listening to my heart cry, my heart long for that to be true of me, and it was like feel God press HIS hand down on me, reminding me that there is NO reason for it NOT to be well with my soul.
Scott's message offered hope and strength was well, as he talked about the day when heaven meets earth and the beautiful experience that it is all going to be!! The reminder that there is something sooo much greater to look forward to. That this life is for us to help bring justice and healing and love to those around us - and that will never ever be a painless experience, but when we are doing things in Jesus' name that He will provide all we need and strengthen us to complete and overcome what needs completing and overcoming.
So - practically, what did this mean for me? How did this help me with all the questions and doubts that I have been having.
Well, it did remind me how much i have let satan have control in areas where he should not even be. It reminded me that my morning reading/devotionals have not been happening like they should and realizing how much better life is when I put God first!! I realized that the job I have is indeed helping to restore justice and healing and love to children who need it, even if i am not living with them. I realized that though I do miss my boys terribly, that I am just not supposed to be living there right now - I don't know why - I just received a peace that I am not supposed to be there. I know that I am still supposed to be with Rob and that we still have many things to sort out and grow in but thnx be to God that we have people who have surrounded us in love and in prayer and are helping us as we go!
In having my Monday - Friday job I have been able to connect with my dad by going to the farm. I have been able to invite my parents to church with me and they actually went, both of them, on easter sunday!! I have been allowed to be outside of the mooseheart bubble, and actually be me and have fun!!
I realized later on sunday that I thrive on being in positions of what some may call control. I think back on when I was large group coordinator for InterVaristy and how alive it made me feel and how well I did at the position. I think about all the work I did at UBC in macomb, and though at times it was frustrating, it really drove me. I am not sure how God is going to use that skill in my life at the present time, but I look forward to the day when I have something like that again.
GOD is GROWING me and I will GLADLY follow as I know that He is GRACIOUS and GRACE filled :)
This weekend was amazing! Saturday was spent up on 130 acres of open land - working hard and enjoying the beautiful landscape, enjoying GOd's creation!! As I awoke on sunday morning, I wanted to keep this positive awesome feeling alive inside of me. I also knew that I needed to hear from God, that I needed to experience something new and something heart shattering on Sunday morning. As I drove to pick up Rob, I began to pray. I prayed that I would not be cranky if we were running late. I prayed that God would break through my heart, that I would find strength and hope from whatever message Scott was going to be delivering that morning. I prayed to be released from chains and bondage that had been holding me down. All twenty minutes I prayed, and that alone made me feel rejuvenated.
Now, I love Scott's preaching but this Sunday, I could have left after the first three songs and still have had an amazingly powerful morning. I was nearly brought to tears, as I could feel each set of lyrics piercing my heart, in a way that only musical worship can do. I felt small releases, small convictions, small changes occuring and lifting up from me. I wish I could remember the name of the first two songs that we sang, they were so powerful. And then came the true kicker - It is well with my soul - I think I was crying as I was singing. It hurt to sing such a powerful song, and to realize that as things have been going on around me - it has NOT been well with my soul. It was like listening to my heart cry, my heart long for that to be true of me, and it was like feel God press HIS hand down on me, reminding me that there is NO reason for it NOT to be well with my soul.
Scott's message offered hope and strength was well, as he talked about the day when heaven meets earth and the beautiful experience that it is all going to be!! The reminder that there is something sooo much greater to look forward to. That this life is for us to help bring justice and healing and love to those around us - and that will never ever be a painless experience, but when we are doing things in Jesus' name that He will provide all we need and strengthen us to complete and overcome what needs completing and overcoming.
So - practically, what did this mean for me? How did this help me with all the questions and doubts that I have been having.
Well, it did remind me how much i have let satan have control in areas where he should not even be. It reminded me that my morning reading/devotionals have not been happening like they should and realizing how much better life is when I put God first!! I realized that the job I have is indeed helping to restore justice and healing and love to children who need it, even if i am not living with them. I realized that though I do miss my boys terribly, that I am just not supposed to be living there right now - I don't know why - I just received a peace that I am not supposed to be there. I know that I am still supposed to be with Rob and that we still have many things to sort out and grow in but thnx be to God that we have people who have surrounded us in love and in prayer and are helping us as we go!
In having my Monday - Friday job I have been able to connect with my dad by going to the farm. I have been able to invite my parents to church with me and they actually went, both of them, on easter sunday!! I have been allowed to be outside of the mooseheart bubble, and actually be me and have fun!!
I realized later on sunday that I thrive on being in positions of what some may call control. I think back on when I was large group coordinator for InterVaristy and how alive it made me feel and how well I did at the position. I think about all the work I did at UBC in macomb, and though at times it was frustrating, it really drove me. I am not sure how God is going to use that skill in my life at the present time, but I look forward to the day when I have something like that again.
GOD is GROWING me and I will GLADLY follow as I know that He is GRACIOUS and GRACE filled :)
Friday, April 9, 2010
Things that start with S
Some words that come to mind are stupid, spit, shit, shower, stunned, and satan. So let's make a sentence using all these words. I would like to SHOWER SATAN wtih SPIT because SATAN has STUNNED me and i am SURROUNDED by STUPID SHIT. Now that that is out of the way.....
I'm tired of saying and thinking that nothing makes sense. It has been so long since I have felt numb and confused for such a length of time. My fabulous new work schedule is not working out as wonderfully as I had planned though, I do get to go to church every sunday which has been such an amazing blessing that words cannot even begin to describe.
Everytime I have thought or looked into going toschool, it doesn't feel right, and I feel like I am looking into a dead end.
Work has turned into my co-workers complaining to me about other people and I can't wrap my brain around their logic for what they do or say half the time.
Things with Rob are touch and go - mostly because of the spiritual battle which has ensued in both our lives. Rob has things that he still needs to sort through and I need to be able to let him do that at his own pace.
I found out last night that the couple who moved into Tennessee, which would have moved me out anyway, is going to be leaving at the end of the month. Tennessee home is just not what they anticipated cuz of the boys' behaviors. I have headed angie's advice to pray (almost daily) for those boys and acknowledge that they are not actually mine and turn them over,daily to God - to help ease the pain of my frustration and the pain of "losing" them in my life. To realize that it could not be my responsibility to "fix" things that went on in that house. But I also have never felt a love so real and so strong, as the love that I felt for those boys. For boys that weren't even mine or related. I am having a harder time feeling that love with my little people and they are little people who are much less rational and logical.
The main reason that I left TN to begin with was to have the oppertunity to grow closer to God, and I have not exactly followed thru on that - yes I have gone to church more but I can't say that I feel closer or that I have a deeper understanding. Is it possible that I'm really attached to the boys?? yes, I think- wait i KNOW - I am. I don't want to go back to be the drill sargent and be the one that whips them back into shape b/c I think I am the only one that can. But, I do want to show them unconditional love and with that does come the discipline - and the fun trips to go places - and the random conversations about the sky being cloudy and it being put in timeout all day.
But is that really what I should do? Where will I find this clarity? How do I block out the confusion and the darkness long enough to hear God's still and quiet voice? I prayed and cried last night, until I feel asleep and I finally felt some pressure lifted from my heart. But I can still feel soo much more.
I need SILENCE to hear what I am SUPPOSED to do in the STICKY SITUATION without losing SANITY.
I'm tired of saying and thinking that nothing makes sense. It has been so long since I have felt numb and confused for such a length of time. My fabulous new work schedule is not working out as wonderfully as I had planned though, I do get to go to church every sunday which has been such an amazing blessing that words cannot even begin to describe.
Everytime I have thought or looked into going toschool, it doesn't feel right, and I feel like I am looking into a dead end.
Work has turned into my co-workers complaining to me about other people and I can't wrap my brain around their logic for what they do or say half the time.
Things with Rob are touch and go - mostly because of the spiritual battle which has ensued in both our lives. Rob has things that he still needs to sort through and I need to be able to let him do that at his own pace.
I found out last night that the couple who moved into Tennessee, which would have moved me out anyway, is going to be leaving at the end of the month. Tennessee home is just not what they anticipated cuz of the boys' behaviors. I have headed angie's advice to pray (almost daily) for those boys and acknowledge that they are not actually mine and turn them over,daily to God - to help ease the pain of my frustration and the pain of "losing" them in my life. To realize that it could not be my responsibility to "fix" things that went on in that house. But I also have never felt a love so real and so strong, as the love that I felt for those boys. For boys that weren't even mine or related. I am having a harder time feeling that love with my little people and they are little people who are much less rational and logical.
The main reason that I left TN to begin with was to have the oppertunity to grow closer to God, and I have not exactly followed thru on that - yes I have gone to church more but I can't say that I feel closer or that I have a deeper understanding. Is it possible that I'm really attached to the boys?? yes, I think- wait i KNOW - I am. I don't want to go back to be the drill sargent and be the one that whips them back into shape b/c I think I am the only one that can. But, I do want to show them unconditional love and with that does come the discipline - and the fun trips to go places - and the random conversations about the sky being cloudy and it being put in timeout all day.
But is that really what I should do? Where will I find this clarity? How do I block out the confusion and the darkness long enough to hear God's still and quiet voice? I prayed and cried last night, until I feel asleep and I finally felt some pressure lifted from my heart. But I can still feel soo much more.
I need SILENCE to hear what I am SUPPOSED to do in the STICKY SITUATION without losing SANITY.
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