A Faith Like That

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1

Those who trust in the LORD Are as Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides forever. Psalm 125:1

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:11-12

A verse that's been running through my head, a verse that Patrick posted, and a verse from synergy. When I went out to Rockford on Friday to a bible study - I had a conversation with the leader of the group I believe. Since it was a small group, it was pretty obvious that it was my first time there. After the bible study we got to talk about my Coming to Jesus Story and I remember saying something like "Making the decision to follow God was easy". And it was, once I knew about Jesus, it made sense, I committed and that was the end - no kicking, no screaming, no what if's....but ever since then I have kicked, and screamed and fought like no other.

I began to wonder the other night what makes me want to forget about God and living a holy life? It's not that I don't believe, or that I ever lost faith. I did some dumb things and made plenty of poor choices but I haven't denounced God. But I hear speakers that talk about giving their last $100 to missions and then receiving money in an envelope from a stranger. Or people who have had prophecy's given to them. Stories of people who sooo very clearly have heard the word of God in prayer, in dreams or just in life. People that from day to day do not feel the need to have even one drink. People that when you spend just one hour with them, you KNOW that their life is different and that they experience true joy.

I felt this week like I am holding something back. There is some fear still cooped up near my heart. Something that still wants to hold onto the past, that wonders what a night of drinking and dancing will led to. That still wants to feel affection. That can't always stop from looking at images. Have I let go of a lot of things? YES! And is there a time in my walk with the Lord that these things were not an issue? Yes! What made those times, so much different than these times?

I just hit the ground running when I came to Christ - found a Christian Organization, found a small group, went to church, and took my 20 hour of classes. And I was being discipled. I think that's mostly what made the difference - I was busy. I had things to do, I had many Christians that were around me for support when i was beginnig to wobble and life was really much different in college. And somehow as time went on and I would get "hurt" by one of my Christian friends, as we lost touch, as we disagreed, as they were no longer in my life I took it out on God. As I wrote about in "search me" those instances, I think are holding me back and I won't let go of them. Kind of like Jonah, I want the people who hurt me to feel some remorse, to apologize to me for not being there when I needed them to be. But people are imperfect, and I'm sure there are people who I have hurt that are wishing the same things upon me. Nonetheless, I hold on, and I make it harder for myself to grow, I make it harder for me to have a solid faith.

And maybe, just maybe, I hold onto the worldly acts because I don't want to loose them too. See, I lost Christian friends as they turned away from God, turned to homosexuality, or they stopped keeping in touch. And I'm afraid that if I stop drinking that the family and friends around me will think that is too weird, and they won't want to hang out with me. It's already begun to happen. In my mind, somewhere, I thought that as long as I had people around that I would be okay. Until recently I hadn't put much thought into what types of people I was around. I'm concerned about what non-Christians think of me :(

Am I ready and willing to take a stand? To stop living to please the people around me and live to please God and truly and whole heartedly seek His glory? Am I brave and confident enough in my God to let go? To simply have faith?