Abraham's seeking

Genesis 18:16 - 19:29

As Abraham is talking with God in Genesis 18, asking if God would spare the city of Sodom if there were 50 righteous people in the city, then 40, then 30, then 20, and then 10 I don’t believe that he is pleading with God. Abraham said “Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep ir away and not spare the place fir the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? (25) Far be it from you to do such a thing - to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?” Though many have seen this as Abraham challenging God, I believe that Abraham is trying to understand the character and consistency of God. Abraham has been taught of God’s unfailing love and God’s righteous judgment. I believe that Abraham was questioning God for the sake of understanding and in a way of seeking wisdom, not in a challenge. When I think of a plea I think of someone getting on his/her knees and pleading and begging for something to not be done (or maybe to be done). A plea, to me, would have been more like “God, would you please NOT destroy the city of Sodom. My family, whom I love, resides there and they are righteous and I do not wish for them to be destroyed.”
Instead, Abraham is seeking of God. Seeking to understand what would God allow, and confirming that God would not allow the righteous to be destroyed. Though Abraham asks God ‘will you…’ He never says ‘God don’t, or God do this instead’ nor does Abraham bring his family (lot) up in the conversation that he has with God. Rather, I believe that Abraham was doing just as God calls us to do today - to question and be a steward (breatheren ??) of The Word.
And God continues to demonstrate his character as he patiently talks with Abraham. God never yells at Abraham, he never tells Abraham to stop asking questions and the scripture ends leaving the feeling that Abraham was satisfied with God’s responses. “When the LORD had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home”.
The end result was that Sodom was still destroyed, along with Gomorrah. Yes, Lot and his family were rescued from the destruction of the city - but I don’t believe we have evidence that God planned on destroying Lot and his family from the start. In 19:29 when it says that “So when God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered Abraham and he brought Lot out of the catastrophe that overthrew the cities where Lot had lived” I do not read it to mean that God remembered Abraham’s “pleading” so He spared Lot. Rather I think God remembered Abraham in passing, in the way that passing a toy store reminds you of childhood memories. Not in the way that God did something solely because of Abraham’s “pleading” because that in itself would go against God’s all-knowing character. Only God can see the bigger picture of our lives and this universe- so no matter how much pleading was done, had it not been for the better of those involved and the rest of civilization then God still would not have done it. But, as demonstrated by God’s patience, I believe that He still wants us to voice our ideas, thoughts, concerns and questions regardless of the outcomes that will still come.
Is it possible that the conversation with Abraham was just another test from God, to see if Abraham cared enough about his family to ask God if He would destroy the righteous?

I also wonder what kept Lot from returning to Abraham - if he wasn’t ready to meet his brother? Why did he ask to run to flee to a different location? Verse 19 says “Your servant has found favor in your eyes, and you have shown great kindness to me in sparing my life. But I can’t flee to the mountains, this disaster will over take me, and I’ll die” What was this disaster that he was talking about? The disaster of having to flee his town and it being burnt? The disaster of losing his stuff? The disaster of facing Abraham? What was that disaster and why did the angel, whom Abraham was talking to, allow him to change his fleeing location? Maybe Zoar is really where God wanted Lot to take his family and God knew that if He had told Lot to go to Zoar that Lot would have asked to go to the mountains. I mean Lot was living with a pretty nasty group of people, maybe God knew that too many demands at once would throw Lot off and cause another rebellion. Maybe God knew that Lot needed to still feel some sense of power and control in His life to help him keep pushing along. Had Lot not gone to Zoar, his daughters might not have slept with him and created the leaders of the Moabites and Ammonites??

**Snow**

Growing up around Chicago, has brought me many snowy winters throughout my childhood. I don't remember ever having such dislike towards the winter as I seem to have now. It really all got worse when I came back from California. When I came back and drove through the snow and the sleet and the rain - it just brought me down. I missed the sunshine and the warmth of where I had been living. And when it snowed, it just seemed to piercingly represent all that california isn't - and I, of course, wasn't ready to let go just yet and every snow just reminded me of what I couldn't have. But here I am now, able to look at the beauty that has come from it.
Yesterday, was one of the worst blizzards I have seen in some time. The wind whipped, it was dreary, the roads were horrendous and it was too hard to even go outside to play. I was so angry and annoyed. We had to go to the grocery store to get food for the next few days, and then we shoveled the massive driveway/parking area. I was cold and soaked with snow and I could have just screamed. Instead I made dinner, and put a movie in for the boys. I was so excited when i went to leave that the snow had stopped, it was peaceful once again. Only to pull up to my house and realize that I needed to shovel out some spaces for parking. Initially I grumbled, I got the shovel and barricaded thru the mounds of snow. But then, I stopped. I looked out at the forest line behind the house. I was captured by it's beauty. The snow, was glistening in the night. It was so pure, so clean, so beautiful. I could have just stood there and starred for hours. I started to shovel as I marveled at how such beautiful scenery was brought by such a horrendous storm. Three hours earlier, I never would have imagined such a peaceful night - but here it was. And how amazing, that God can do that with our lives. That he can take the storms and the ugliest moments of our lives and turn them into beauty and aww. That he can take those storms and remove them - make them stop - and bring about a new peace. And allow us to start clean. To be pure and sparkling and beautiful.
Heaven, for God must be like a snow storm. After everything he has had to watch, and the storms He had to put his son through, Heaven is the place where God can create such beauty, permanently.

nothing

I want to cry, but I cant
I want to process thoughts, but I can't
I feel engulfed by nothing-ness
It's all floating by

Searching for so long to find the core
Where did this hurt begin
Why does it always come down to the same battle?

I feel like I should just plaster epic fail on my head
call the game early

I wont' let go of whatever I'm holding on to
I don't know where to land if I fall
The world is full of hurt, and I'm trying to learn to love in it

Too afraid of losing what little I have
Too many times it's hurt

Why can't I ever get it right?

Finished another book :)

Lately, focusing has been an issue for me. I feel like the world is flying by with millions of thoughts, images and ideas rushing towards me on a continual basis. How am I supposed to know what to focus on? So, logically, I head to Caribou Coffee on my day off to get some work and reading done :) How glorious, to have finished another book - Healing for Damaged Emotions (with the workbook) on the gloomy rainy day. It feels so great to have fnished two amazing books and to feel like my life has a chance of making sense and coming together.

As I've read through this book it has helped me to dig up some hurts AND it's almost felt like a text book as well. I have a sense that I will be in a counseling role, to some capacity, in my life. I still have snipets of being a speaker for young women. Who knows.

THe last two chapters have been about depression and God's recycling grace. The two chunks of scripture that have been repeating thru the book are 2 Corinthians 4: 7-9, 16 7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.


And also Romans 12:9-21
Future Glory
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[a] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
More Than Conquerors
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[b] who[c] have been called according to his purpose.

That's all that I really have for now. I'm still processing through all that I have learned and how to apply it. That God isn't the author of all events, but He is the master of all events. This means that nothing ever happens to you that God can't and won't use for good if you will surrender it into His hands and allow Him to work. (p 187)

PS I think that everyone needs to go thru this book!! :)

Goal Updates

I was just thinking that it has been some time since I posted "updates" and was thinking about the goals I had set by myself on September 21st - it's nearly two months later and I feel like I have made some progress. When i had posted it, my goals were:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with God in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something God is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings

So here is where I stand on these goals:
1. I have not read one psalm a day but I have spent at least 20 minutes with God most days
2. When the children have not been sick or when I've not been in meetings I have met my goal of working out for 30 minutes at least 4 times a day. And now that I have started rock climbing I go for a few hours every Monday.
3. I have mostly succeeded at limiting my coffee intake and my caffeine intake in general - of course, minus those few very very long nights
4. I believe I have successfully managed to blog once a week about what I've been learning.
5. And I've put away $150 every month.

So, I may not have met them all, but I believe that I"m making very awesome progress!! I also finished one of the many books I started "Self Talk, Soul Talk" and it was pretty sweet!! I will begin "Bad Girls of the Bible and what we can learn from them" in the up coming weeks and possibly "Just give me Jesus" I woudl also like to pick up a kurt vonnegut book as well - my poor brain might explode and I will love it, in that awesome kind of way!

I'm just very excited about where life has taken me and what God has been teaching me. It has been so beautiful that I don't even think I could put words to it if I tried :)

How big is that solid rock?

On Christ this solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.
Today, I asked myself, just how big is this solid rock? And I got this feeling that it's not very big - not today.

Ya know when you are packing for a trip, or trying to arrange a room of furniture, and you look at all you have, and the space you assume that it won't fit? That there's not enough room - even when in reality, there's plenty of room? When you look at something through small lenses when they should be looked at with a magnifying glass?? I always think that there's not enough of something (especially food) or that there's not enough room for what I have. But usually, when all is said and done, there was plenty and often more than what was needed.

So, how often do I do that to God? I say that I want to trust Him, I present this huge plans and then when things begin to fall into place, I get nervous. Dear God - there can't be enough room - what was I thinking?? I know that you are my rock, but this rock is clearly not big enough for me to stand on. I'm going to fall into that sinking sand. I'll just save myself all the trials and just go into the sand right now, Lord, and we'll go from there.

Ugh, how wrong in my thoughts. God says, there's enough. God knows what's best. And there is ALWAYS room on the solid rock!! I think the question is, will we let there be room? God has me in His hands, probably more than I've let Him in a long time!! But when I let the waves of doubt, and frustration, and confusion in - the sinking sand will swallow up as much of MY solid rock as I let it!! God promised us a solid rock to stand on, to stand firm on - if we choose to. He did not promise that the sinking sand would go away.

But, the more that I can whole heatedly trust in Him, the larger my rock will be, the steadier it will be, the more room I will have to walk. THe more I give up and give to God, the stronger He will be in my life.

Jesus, please help me to let it go. There is nothing I can do to change the way work is panning out. Lord, remove these evil dreams at night from my mind. God, help me to trust that YOU are so TOTALLY there!! That I do not need to worry and doubt. Lord, may I rest in your hands and in your peace. Times are going ot be hard - Lord, be with the children, and help us all as we transition through this. Jesus, I want to cry but help me to find the joy and the peace that will come. Lord, you have created me, just as I am. May I rest in that, and lean on you. God, may you have the glory and may it be about you! Lord, please, help me to focus on you, your light, and your truth. In Jesus name! Amen!

memories and anger

The last few days have been flooded with memories, yet again, from past relationships. At first it made me angry, like, why can't I just let go of this, why are they continuing to remind me of all the mistakes I've made. Then in being angry at my memories I just got angry in general. I shut down, I didn't really want to talk to anyone, I wanted to just curl up and sleep - not because i was tired, but just because I didn't want to deal with people.
But ya know, it's funny what happens when we allow God to meet us where we are at. Even on days when prayer is too hard, when i can't find the words to say, I'm thankful for books. I picked up Self Talk, Soul Talk by Jennifer ROthschild and started to read today, about memories - go stinking figure. She talked about how our memories, though some of them may be painful, can bring us great joy. Memories of past hurts and trying times can remind us of how God carried us through them, and what we learned from them. While I'm not sure if that's why my memories surfaced this week, I know that I can transform them into that. I can pull out the positive, good things that came from all the broken relationships. And I can be remembered that God still protected me from pregnancies, diseases, drug addictions and much more. And through these relationship I've really been able to learn what I want and should expect out of a biblical relationship. I've experienced, first hand, what the warning signs are, and that will also allow me to share them with other people. But like so many other things in life, it's what ya make them.
Then as I was reading, I saw my bookmark - a piece of notebook paper that I had written some quotes on from the previous chapter. Things like this from Louis L'Amour "Anger is a killing thing. IT kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had before - it takes something from him". Or Marcus Aurelius "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger, than the causes of it". Or, this one, this one stings that she wrote "Ask God to help you embrace what you can't avoid, accept what you don't like and channel your passion into wise responses.
So, now here I sit, in my favorite coffee shop: having gone from not knowing how to pray to having more than I can fathom to pray about.