Been back for a year....dang...

Most days I can hardly believe that it has been (now over) a full year since I have been back in the states from my year long journey around the world. Some days it seems like I came back years ago while others it seems like just yesterday I returned. It’s ridiculous how the summary of this last year is so different from the previous- also weird that my years run from November to November :) And because I know that someone wants to see the summary, here it is (in no particular order) - I spent a few days in Cali and ran into an old friend from when I had previously lived there….also met a kind of strange man in the hotel lobby when I couldn’t sleep that first day - Went with my awesome friend Joe to a String Cheese Incident show for THREE days at the Aargon ballroom!! It was freakin’ awesome and I never thought it was possible to like smoke out a room – but they did. Unfortunately I also learned what it looks when bad things happen with people on drugs. I’m also certain that I had way more fun than any of the people on drugs! - My SISTER got married  It was such a joy to be able to be a part of the wedding. Since they pushed it to April, I also got to be a part of the shower and bachelorette party. Oh, and go to a drag show in the city. - I went to two other weddings as well: a cousin and a friend - I had two funerals: a great aunt who had been sick for some time and one of my boys from Mooseheart :( (some things you can never be prepared for) - Had a chance to pray for healing for my Grandma, who was in the hospital for a long time after a simple procedure went wrong. Praise God she is doing soo much better; that was a hard month to see her like that - Started working……at Walgreens – I mean really, the same place I worked ALL of high school and MOST of college lol – but hey, it pays the student loan bills. Not only did I start working there BUT they also promoted me. - I got to get involved with an amazing ministry called Teen Nite in Aurora (IL) where they provide a safe place for teens to hang out and learn about Jesus on Friday nights, to prevent them from hanging out on the streets - I made some amazing new friends. - I have a PHENOMENAL church (and homegroup) at Vineyard Aurora - Worked at Riverwoods summer camp, working with “at risk” teens from aurora & Elgin. The camp was an overnight camp Sunday night – Friday afternoon with the same teens each week, for 7 weeks. I learned so much from my girls (most about how out of touch I am with society) and had a blast EVERY day with them through it all. - Rekindled a relationship. Ended a relationship. Started a relationship. Ended a relationship – blamed for suicide attempts/visits to psych ward/etc/etc/etc. Re-Re kindled a relationship, one that is rooted in Jesus, mutual respect, honor, similar goals/passions, and Jesus……ya I think I got this one right finally. - God continued to show me bits and pieces of a desire He began to grow inside me in Africa about reaching out for the youth of Aurora. I have learned so stinking much about waiting- on His timing- about being honest, about trusting, about being joyful, about giving my burdens to God, about my passions, about my gifts (well still working on that), about what’s important to me, about leaving a legacy, about how awesome girl friends can be, about being myself, about prayer, about identity, and ya.

What God has joined together

In my homegroup we have been reading a book called "Lies Women Believe: And the Truth That Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. This week's chapter was about marriage, and well, I just wanted to share the truths that she put in the book about marriage. Some of the things she wrote I hadn't really thought of before. - There is no marriage God cannot heal. There is no person God cannot change. - The primary purpose of marriage is not to be happy, buy to glorify God and reflect His redeeming, covenant love. - God uses the rough edges of each partner in a marriage to conform the other to the image of Christ. Your mate's weaknesses can become a tool in God's hand to make you into the woman He created you to be. - True love- God's love- is unconditional and never fails. We cannot love another human being perfectly on our own. But God can love anyone through us, if we are willing to let Him. Love is not a feeling; it is a commitment to act in the best interests of another. By God's grace, we can choose to love anyone, even if we do not have warm feelings toward that person. - Marriage is a covenant. God is a covenant-keeping God. He kept His promises to the nation of Israel, even when they were spiritually adulterous and pursued other lovers (see Jeremiah 11:10, Ex 20:16, Hosea 2:13). The Lord Jesus keeps His promises to His bride-the Church- even when we are unfaithful to Him. Because He is faithful to keep His promises, it is never right for us to break the marriage covenant that was intended to be a picture of the redemptive relationship between God and His people. - God has commanded us to forgive without limit. - Your faithfulness and willingness to extend sacrificial love to your mate may be the means of his spiritual healing, even as Christ's suffering was the means by which we were healed (1 Peter 2:24-25; 1 Corinthians 7:12-14) - You don't solve your problems by putting another pair of shoes under the bed. (Statistically, second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages). - God's grace is sufficient to enable you to be faithful to your mate and to love and forgive without limit. - God will never forsake you. Regardless of what you must endure, He will be there to carry you through. - The rewards of faithfulness in this life may not be fully experienced until eternity. But faithfulness will be rewarded and it will be worth the wait! *I will make the disclaimer for her that she does speak of the importance of women being removed from abusive and volatile situations* Feel free to share any thoughts you may have :-)

Ohh that 5 letter word

These last few weeks have been, well interesting. I feel like I've had a lot of time to think yet no time to myself. I feel like I have a method of handling situations and then struggle to implement them. I feel like I'm trying new things but can't get it to stick. And most days I'm actually happy and content, but not in that complacent kind of way. Then this morning, as I was getting ready to start my day this wave hit me; this underlying crap that I've buried down. Things that I thought I was past, but then I looked at my bank account (never a good idea before having coffee especially). And I realized it was still there: doubt – ohh that 5 letter word. I am so blessed and have an amazing understanding (and relationship) with God; yet here it is- doubt. It's haunting. Here it is: - I doubt that I have actually changed - I doubt that I can maintain female friendships - I doubt that all the money I have poured into ministries/training/youth is going to be returned to me - I doubt that I can out God first while I am pursuing a relationship - I doubt I can have a healthy relationship - I doubt that God will provide in miraculous ways - I doubt I can hear God for myself - I doubt I handled that situation correctly Now, rarely do these thoughts come across as “I doubt....” because that would be too obvious. No, these doubts come out with a more delicate wording, that makes them seem like doubt. Phrases like “I wonder if it's really possible...” or “Will I ever be able to....” or countless other more eloquent phrases. But lets me honest and call a spade a spade. If I am constantly wondering if God can do something, then I'm doubting. And ya know, it's exhausting. I know I'm not the only one who has doubts in the day to day hustle. And being in America makes it harder for me to discern, anything really. I'm so afraid of my doubts blocking God out, of strong arming my way through this next phase of my life; but really I want nothing more than for this area to see God as the loving Father that He is. So, how am I going to combat these doubts? That is sure a good question:) I know that the more time I spend with God, for the sake of getting to know Him – not because I have to – I will be able to rest more securely in Him. But also, I had some sweet words spoken over me the other day, but men & women whom I trust: - You are Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz with your foot on the Yellow Brick Road beginning a journey, one brick at a time, to reach the destination of the Emerald City - As you walk on the path there are children/youth following you - Your actions/attitude attract people just as much as your words - Obedience is what He is looking for - You are a gem – a refined strong stone – to God - God gave you your big dream- they are from Him. Shake off what others have told you about not being able to complete them. They are pearls close to His heart. Ya, I think those words will help to push me through some of my doubts. It's amazing when people who have no idea what's going on in your life can hear directly from God to speak directly to your heart. One brick at a time. Remembering that I don't need to know how God is going to do it, but trust that He is. Oh and that He doesn't work on MY time schedule.

How do you be the not weak, not in control, helper?

When God made Adam & Eve, He made Eve to be Adam’s helper. God made Eve NOT because Adam was incapable, NOT so Adam could boss her around, but so that Adam could have a companion. Adam and Eve had distinct roles, to compliment each other. Adam was the head of the household- the breadwinner, the big decision maker, the leader. Eve was the supporter, the follower, the companion. Maybe if they were rock climbing, Eve would be the legs and Adam would be the arms. Anyway, I was thinking about some things while I was reading this morning and it dawned on me that I have not seen many examples of truly healthy and biblical relationships/marriages. There are many things that I am look forward to when it comes to marriage, to have a partner in crime, to have sex, to make a family, to raise a family, and to have someone to permanently do life with: grow, learn and experience. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I know what my role as a wife should be and what I want it to be; but I am not sure that I know how to be a helper. Sure, I can help by offering advice, by telling him when he is not doing things right, I can even encourage and support decisions that are made. But what about when he has a word of correction for me? Or when he needs to tell me I am trying to hard? Or when he realizes something I have known for year? How can I be the helper then? Maybe for someone out there this is obvious; then please share your insight. Every relationship, practically, that I have been involved in – I was the leader. I was making important decisions for our lives, I was laying down the rules, I was making the boundaries, I was initiating Bible time/talk, and I was the one providing. And yet I was still giving into human desires. Looking back, it’s like I was totally okay with living outside of God’s best intentions for relationships. I was either in control or being controlled – often time simultaneously. No wonder I am a basket case lol But here I am now, in a place of moving forward, of recognizing that the way I have tended to do things is not the best way for me to do them at all…….not even a little bit….. So, hooray for me, I have recognized a destructive pattern; now what? I know what my tendency is – to sabotage. To unintentionally find ways that allow me to kind of listen to God’s best for me. To avoid situations where I should be the helper, to have everything together so that I don’t need to hear correction, to let him do everything, to find a way to always have one up. Hmm….sounds like a lot of pride to bust thru, but where do I even begin? I know that marriage is in my future, and I don’t want it to look like so many of the marriages I have seen. Daddy, soften my heart, open my eyes, show me the roots to remove so that I can (one day) be the loving helper wife that you desire for me to be. Let me hear words of correction in love, let me rejoice when my future husband rejoices, and support him rather than dictate him when he mourns. Holy Spirit come and begin to move in me, your presence is welcome here. In Jesus name, Amen.

Letting Go

After a long and trying couple months, I was able to get a couple days off in a row and make a small escape out of the burbs. It will not be beneficial to rehash the events over the last few months; the bottom line is that the situations still need prayer and sometimes they still hurt. I have been incredibly thankful for the church community I have a Vineyard Aurora for filling me up, praying for me, and just being there for the sake of being there :-) I'm thankful for the friends that have been supportive and reminding me who I am and that it is not my burden to bear; and especially for the ones who have stepped in when they knew I had no more to give. I wish I could confidently say that it is all over. Decisions have been made, words have been exchanged, actions have been taken and I have been removed from the situation; which makes it sound like it is over. However this phase of moving on seems to be almost as hard as the working thru and the letting go. In the moment, letting go of a situation comes with a wave of empowerment; knowing that you are taking a stand for something that is right or having the assurance that you are doing what God wants. Yet, the fact remains that you let go of something. For me, to let go, means that I must have been holding on (possibly tightly) to the situation. If I was holding on to the situation that means that, in a sense, it was a part of me; part of my day to day. For better or worse it was something I relied on or expected to be in my day to day life. So now, to let go, almost seems to throw me off balance. It makes it rather easy to see how a person can keep falling back into the same unhealthy relationship/pattern/situation. In addition, for me with one of the situations, my pride was brought into the light. Though I am truly compassionate and my desire is simply to help and to bring people to Jesus, there is a part of me that hurts when change does not happen because of my efforts. Which in the same breathe means I am saying that I don't fully trust God to handle the situation. :( Despite the amount of scripture and teachings that remind me it is not my (or any person's) responsibility to change a person, there is still this small (and getting smaller by the day) part of me that clings to the hope that just maybe I can play a role. Yet, as I recently learned, some people struggle to see the help as an act of help; rather they attach it to the person thus making the person helping some type of savior to them. And let me tell you that creates a whole different problem. While this all sounds glim, there is hope. It is possible to move on past letting go – no matter how hard it feels and how hard it sounds. In most of the situations I am certain that I made the best choice I could make; which is helpful when I want to try and hold on. It's also been helpful to have affirmation from trusted brothers & sisters that I am making strides in the right direction. I also know that I am forgiven. And I have the choice to move on or to be at a stand still. I know that God has new things in store for me and has a plan for my life. So as I let go, I have plenty of situations to step into and embrace in His Kingdom.

eat your words

Eat Your Words So, ya know that moment when you are sharing wisdom or advice with someone and it dawns on you that though you may be helping that person you were really talking to yourself? Ya, that happened to me today; and I could just feel God smiling and saying “if that’s what it takes to realize what I’ve been trying to say, then so be it” :) Ya know in that friendly and loving way not in a mean guilt ridden kind of way. So I was listening to a challenge/frustration that my friend had and felt prompted to share something that I feel like I might have learned. Turns out it’s something I’m still learning. What did I say? Well if you must know: There have been countless situations that to me seemed very logical and practical but have fallen through. In the end I realized I still want to give my plan to God and ask Him to bless it b/c I am terrified to wait to listen to Him. It's hard man, I wish I could say that it wasn't. But what I can encourage you with is that when we are willing to wait, the results are far greater than anything we could have planned ourselves. so if I may, I will pull out the mama card and give you a suggestion....Take some solid time doing something that allows you to hear God the best. Make an effort to rid yourself of distractions. And be willing to just be in His presence and listen. Some pretty solid words, right? Of course they are. So, why did they hit me so hard? Well, I’ve been having a small boxing match with God. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a do-er. I love being on the move, being involved and filling up my days. In addition, I feel like I have a HUGE dream to begin working out involving under resourced teens in aurora. As another friend gave me some practical steps to get this dream going I did not feel a complete peace about moving forward. Not to mention at the end of my summer I got this word “Don’t worry if they pace of your next season does not match the pace of this summer. God is not concerned about your speed but your depth and trust in Him.” So what have I been up to the last few weeks? Trying to figure out how quickly I can apply to grad school, where the best & closest schools are so that I can still work at Walgreens while I take classes, etc, etc, etc…Now I am no genius here, but it seems to me that I have created a divide or hypocrisy, if you will, about what I have said and what I am doing. All in all it reminded me to two bible passages today. Luke 10: 38-42 (the story of Mary & Martha) and Mark 14:1-9 (Jesus anointed at Bethany). Going back to school asap might be a really great idea and super practical but it might not be the best thing that I can do at this moment. In addition, God knows the youth that I want to reach and He knows that they are there; He also know that I can’t reach them without being rooted, solidly, in Him. The bottom line is, I don’t know the whole picture and I can’t see it like He can. So for as hard as it is I am going to eat my own words, trust Him, and actually listen to Him before I move. Maybe the plan will be the same or maybe it will be something completely different; that my friends is up to Him.

Pine Tree

Today I feel like a pine tree. Ya, a pine tree. It’s been a whirl wind of a few months, maybe I will write about that later; however, this morning I just felt blah. I didn’t want to get out of bed and frankly nothing seemed to be important. After talking with this pretty awesome lady, I started to think of a pine tree. Have you ever gone to cut down a pine tree? Or bought a live one for the winter holidays?? If you have you may have seen this awesome device that shakes and nets the tree. Once you cut the tree down and drag it to the car some of the needles that were loose begin to fall off. Well when you get it to the netting station they put it on this thing, a big circular device, and they turn it on while they hold the stem. This allows the tree to really be shaken. While it is being shaken the dead needles and branches that were stuck on the inside begin to fall out. With the tree in its best shape it is then thrown through a netter and hoisted up on the car for you to take home and decorate. So why do I feel like a pine tree today? Well, because I feel like I’m on that big circle device being shaken like crazy to get all the dead stuff out. It’s like I’m carrying around all this extra weight that isn’t even mine to touch, let alone hold onto. And I know that it isn’t mine, but for some reason I keep reaching down to pick it up and carry it along my journey. Then today, for whatever reason today, the shaking has begun. I mean it knew stuff was there, but today if felt like God really went to take it away from me and instead of surrendering it to Him, I clung onto it. Like when you are a kid and your favorite toy is destroyed and instead of letting your parents fix it or get you a new one, you insist on playing with a broken toy that no longer works? It’s like that. I keep insisting on being surrounded with brokenness but God is there, reminding me that Jesus took care of that on the cross, and reaching out to give me wholeness; but for some reason I’m a little afraid. So ya, today, I am that pine tree being shaken. Why won’t I just let go? I’m not sure. Pride. Pain. Fear. A feeling of responsibility that is not mine. There are so many burdens that I have released to Him over the last 8 years…..please pray that I don’t stop now. That I let Him shake the dead out of me, literally.

This Summer....

This summer I have had the privilege of working with the College Bound 1 teenagers. There are countless memories and lessons that I have learned this summer, and trying to find a place to begin is difficult. I learned that you can sow hair onto your head, you should not get a weave wet, that a perm straightens your hair, and that you can wrap your hair with a scarf. Not to mention that most of my clothes are out of style, flares are really only for white people and it’s necessarily to bring at least 5 pairs of shoes for a week of camp. Clearly I had forgotten what it means to be a teenager. Not to mention the new phrases I learned like “bean head”, “finna”, “you be stressin’ me”, “yolo” and “you’re doin’ to much”. Needless to say there was never a dull moment. On a more serious note I learned the importance of having fun and being present with people. My beautiful teens daily reminded me about the importance of having fun and relaxing. Of just being in the same room together to paint nails, or coloring, or anything really, as long as we were together. We had some worked on some great projects: putting together a Lecrae picture puzzle, going into Chicago to feed the homeless and various other activities. We also had some intense card games going on. It was a joy to have devotionals and listen to their questions. To encourage them in their walk, and to be able to love them exactly where they are at. To watch them learn and to watch them grow. To share about life. To tell stories. To listen to stories. To pray together. To laugh together. Don’t get me wrong there were days that were hard. Days that we fought. Days that made it seem like the summer was going to drag on forever. But, we got through those days, and I believe that we will forever be stronger for them. I had no idea what to expect when I signed up for this job, but I couldn’t have imagined a more fulfilling summer than I had this summer.

Brief Catch Up

So, it has been weeks since I have posted anything about camp. Time is a luxury that has been hard to come by; especially during the week. I have not even had the time to journal like I have wanted to either. Not to mention that I have no idea how to even begin explaining camp. One thing is for sure though, I LOVE my job and I am exactly where I am suppose to be. There is nothing that I love more than being involved in a youth’s life. I have had a lot of memories of working at Mooseheart flash back to me while I have been at this camp. There is something about being in the day to day life of a person that brings me so much joy. And I have thought about how much I truly enjoy teaching. So what goes on at camp? Some of this and some of that: workouts, daily devotions, leadership training, group games, swimming, bible studies, electives, bon fires, movies, college visits, trips off grounds, working with the children campers, bike rides, crafts, free time and more! In the last few weeks our teens have been able to go to a Chicago Sky game, the boys went on a caving trip to Wisconsin, the girls went to Chicago to give lunches to the homeless, and various other on grounds activities. Some days are hard and full of complaining and grumbling, but each day is so fulfilling. If you want to hear more just message me and I can try to fill you in better. Or if you would like to financially contribute to camp visit : https://getinvolved.fvchristianaction.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=298 and designate your funding to the summer staff!

spritual lessons

So as if summarizing the past two weeks of camp stuff was hard enough- I am going to dedicate this just to the Jesus moments that I have had; revelations that I have had, and ones that I have learned from my teammates and various people who have come to speak to us in the first two weeks. I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. That is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man’s heart into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God. Don Miller “Blue Like Jazz” How much heart ache is from asking people to be what they should never be? The Hebrew word for worship is the same word for worship. We are a conduit for Christ. If a vineyard doesn’t go thru a period of drought (stresses of the vineyard) the roots won’t go deeper to be able to produce the best grapes. God works thru the stressors to let our roots go deep in Him. We see God thru the lives of the people in the bible and it’s all about HIS story. True unity is truth. God/Jesus is truth. And God is love. Thus truth is love. When you focus on Jesus/Kingdom the issues in your life will work themselves out We are stamped in God’s image Jesus didn’t just die for us, he was severly beaten for us and bleed out for us AND had his Father turn his face from him ALL because he loved us; even those he knew wouldn’t accept him. Are you walking in an intellectual offense to where the glory has been departed from you? ( 1 Samuel 4:19-21) There’s an army rising up to break every chain. God, you have continually heard my groaning and continued to interpret them and intercede for me. You still thought I was worth and lovely, even when I rejected your way out, you kept coming, pursuing and returning; providing a way out each and every time! Because your love is so grand and faithful. No one else can love you like I love you Lord. I was make uniquely in your heart.

Week Numero 2

On to week 2 of training for camp, starting on the 27th. I was a little anxious because I knew that more leaders were coming that evening, and we all know how well I do in crowds (NOT). Luckily, I was able to help Gloria set up for the banquet we were going to have that night to welcome and honor our new summer staff and the continual career staff for riverworks. It was a beautiful banquet. The pastor spoke a powerful message, we were prayed for, had our feet wiped and were anointed. There was such a heavy peace that fell on that room- it was beautiful. Monday was full of worship again, it was tiring but it was good and refreshing. It was awesome to learn about the history of Fox Valley Christian Action and to visit one of the communities that they serve (I got to go to East wood in Aurora). And the ministry planning really started to come together- it is amazing what happens when we get over ourselves and just let God and his Holy Spirit guide us, when we allow our hearts to be in unity and release our pride over to God  We also found out that each of us on staff will have an intercessor for the entire summer- someone who will be praying for me and encouraging me! AND I got to met her, her name is Ms. Jeri. The beginning of the week was alright- nothing super exciting but Wednesday night til Sunday all made up for it. Wednesday night we had one of our many team building activities. Pastor Bob seems to love giving them to us and I enjoy them as well. This time the instructions were like :Stand on a table with no legs that is 1 ½ feet wide, stand in a single file line in height order, rotate through the line until you are back in your original place. I am sure that you can imagine how difficult that was in a group of 15-ish people!! We nearly completed the task; but more importantly we had fun doing it. We learned to listen to one another, to share ideas, and to really work together! GO us! Then came CAT (Community Awareness Training). We could bring 1 shirt, 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of shorts, bible, pen, journal, tooth brush, hair brush, pillow, sheet OR blanket, 4 pair underware, 1 pair of socks and gym shoes. We were given $60 total to buy food, toilet paper, tooth paste, and eating wear for 16 people for 3-ish days. Oh ya, and we were going to one of the communities- I went back to Eastwood. Also, if we tried to bring an item not on the list we were charged .50 cents, it cost .50 cents per person to get a ride in the van, and once we arrived we could be fined for leaving the lights on, not having a clean room, using something we couldn’t use, wasting food and other things. During our time at CAT not only did we have limited resources, we also planned activities for the children, I did some recruiting with Holly, talk to the parents in the community and did more team building activities. I can see how this would not sound like a fun event for a lot of people but I LOVED every minute of it. Learning to rely on each other, take turns with leadership, snuggle up close when it is cold out, endure the hard floor, and eat less for a few days brought our team so close together. Though many of the things I encountered were similar to my travels last year, there was still something to learn. To be reminded that people live in poverty so close to home. I would say 80% of them are unemployed. In our community there were 54 housing units and 160 youth (under 18). Of course it would be easy to dismiss them as being lazy, but how can you get a job when you can’t afford a car- the bus doesn’t run often where they live. The high school students need to take a public bus to get to school, an hour before school starts. They don’t plan on being abandoned by the men in their life, there is no way to even know how many of those children were forced onto them. It is a tough cycle to break out of. So much pain, so much hurt, so much confusion that is passed down from generation to generation. It made me so glad for the work of Fox Valley Christian Action and the community coordinators who, day in and day out, are serving in the communities. Who are teaching the children about Jesus and true love. Who are helping the mothers. Who are helping the teens to break the cycle they have seen all their lives. It is amazing work that they do, and they do it all so humbly.

Week 1 of Training

Man- so long without having the internet on my computer and being able to just post my thoughts and experiences. I have no idea how I am going to begin except to try and summarize the weeks I have been at camp. So, here goes nothing to throw out there what I learned/experienced the first week of camp. It started the day I arrived, May 20th. I checked in and realized that I didn’t know any one, or where to go, or what I was really getting myself into. There was a bit of panic as some answers were brought to my attention: there were like 17 leaders in training, most of them had previously met at a leader’s retreat, beside the retreat many of them seemed to have connections to each other, and I was the second oldest. “God, what in the world is going on? Am I really suppose to be here?”. Thnx to some awesome prayer warrior friends, words of encouragement where texted my way and Monday morning came with a breath of fresh air, a wave a determination, the sense that it wasn’t going to be easy but that I was exactly where I needed to be. It was a long day – 5 hours of worship followed by the phenomenal movie/documentary Finger of God (about a guy who kind of doubted that the Holy Spirit still worked today, and then went around to different cities praying for healings and saw people healed). I was still shook up as unfinished business from my 11 month trip began to surface; but again, my friends were there with words of encouragement and challenges that I needed to hear. As God would have it, two girls in my room needed prayer in the middle of the night for sleep: as if God was reminding me that I had a place on this team. Tuesday night I learned that the way we view our mothers effects the way we view the Holy Spirit, the way we view our earthly father(s) effects the way we view God and the way we view our friends/siblings effects the way we view Jesus. Wednesday we started to do some ministry planning and holy moley was that like a crash course. Planning in a group of 9 people was one of the hardest things I have ever done; ideas flying around, getting to know personalities, limited internet resources, miscommunications and uncertainties galore! As I was falling asleep/praying- I got a picture of a man covered in tattoos (it’s important later) Friday we got to learn how to restrain a child who is going out of control – that was fun! And we learned our model of care: Positive Peer Culture. Then we watched Furious Love, done by the same people who did Finger of God. This time the movie is about God’s love over coming darkness and the demonic in the states and abroad. And THEN came the big whopper of a day. The treasure hunt. What does this even mean? Well that is a good question. We loaded the vans and started to drive (after a coffee stop!!) and then began to pray for pictures, words, etc from God. We wrote them down and stopped at Lord’s Park in Elgin. The group I was in got pictures of kids at a park before we even knew where we were going – pretty groovy! About ten minutes before we leave there are a few dads that come to the park with their children and I find myself wanting to go talk to the one dad, ask him how I can be praying for him and give him a note that had been previously written. I talk to him briefly and then we head home after a great day of just loving on parents and their children. As I journal that night I remember that the dad in the park I went up to was covered in tattoos  Coincidence? I think no – thank you God for reminding me that I do hear from you!

You Want me to Give Up What?

As many people know about a month ago I was accepted to work at a summer camp. Everything came together and the absolute last minute. When I arrived for training, all I knew what that I would be working with teenagers in some capacity, that it was run by a church whose desire was to show God's love and shift the spiritual atmosphere in youth's lives, and that I believed in the mission statement of the organization at large (fox valley christian action). I had no ideas what training was going to be, what policies were, or any other details. Soooooo, I get there and the first full day of training they tell us they have good news, they are going to let us keep our phones. My first thought was "excuse me, why wouldn't I be able to keep my phone? It's my phone". My frustration rised a bit as I continued to read through some of the policies, a form I knew I would have to sign. No alcohol, no tobacco, no non-christian music, no movies above PG and not just while on campus but off campus as well. Oh, my brain about lost it. I heard that, saw that and was like "whatever, they can't keep tabs on my when I'm home. I'm far older than any body else here, I know what I can handle. I know what stuff effects me negatively. They can't tell me what to do." Well, the next week came and they collected our phones, to help us focus, to not be distracted and to help us build community. I'll tell you that was a hard act to follow through. I mean didn't they know that there were people I NEEDED to talk to? But, I kept my thoughts to myself (a real shocker I know) and went along. As this second week went on I really began to think differently about these "policy/guidlines" that were in place. I didn't feel like I was under anyone one's thumb. I started to think about sacrifice. I remembered something from my trip last year, a little phrase that was running thorugh my head "giving up something that you love, for something that you love more." Hmm, I sure do love my phone, my wifi, my interenet, having a few drinks, heading out for hookah, listening my whatever music I want, and watching movies; they are part of my every day life. BUT, would it really kill me to give them up for 3 months? FOr three months to let go of some distraction, to give up the things I love doing for the summer so that I can be more focused on God and more focused on the youth I serve. I no longer had the rebellious attitude to come home and go out for hookah, or to go out for a drink, or to watch movies because I caught a small glimpse of the bigger picture. There are people around the world (even in this country) who give up a lot more on a daily basis. Maybe because they don't have the money for it, or because their family doesn't accept them, or because their government suppresses them. SO this summer, my desire is to (well of course, love the teens I work with and be there for them) but also to not sit around and focus on what I don't have or what I have given up for 3 months; rather, to fully invest in what God has for me this summer. It is just a small sacrifice- not like God asked me to sacrifice a beloved family memeber like He did for us. PS there will be more to come once I get my lap top and my power cord in the same place at the same time with some wifi :-) So, next weekend!!

Not a Fast Food God

So I was listening to a worship song at church today, Show Me Your Glory by Kim Walker, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd98Jkz9RUw) and I got to thinking about Moses; most likely because she mentions him in the beginning of the song. Nonetheless, Moses saw God in a burning bush. While living in the desert Moses would have seen many burning bushes throughout the day. Maybe it was as common as seeing a squirrels running around our neighborhoods. However, Moses was paying such attention to the bush that he noticed it was on fire but not burning up (Ex 3:2) AND he chose to investigate (Ex 3:3). It just made me think about how much attention Moses paid to his surroundings. It seems that it would have been easy for Moses to just walk passed yet another burning bush and paid no attention to the bush. Yet walking by the bush would have caused Moses to miss out on an encounter with God. So how many times do we run through life so fast, and so focused on our own agenda that we miss a burning bush? Something that God is trying to tell us and show us or someone who is in need of some assistance. I think that there are tons of burning bushes around us, if we would only pause to pay attention and notice our surroundings.

Which then led me to think about Samuel, in 1 Samuel 3, when the Lord is calling to Samuel in the night. Three times the Lord calls to Samuel, Samuel did not know that it was the Lord and thus The Lord did not speak to Samuel. It was only when Samuel answered The Lord, did The Lord speak. It just boggles my mind that God could have spoken to Samuel the whole time, yet He waited. He waited to make sure that He had Samuel’s undivided attention and that Samuel knew whose voice he was listening to. And, I think that happens a lot to us today as well. I think that God is trying to talk to us, and that we want to hear Him, BUT we are too caught up in ourselves, in not knowing how to respond and in not knowing where the voice is coming from because it’s not the way we expected to hear His voice. Yet, when we do respond, God is so willing to share with us, to guide us and to direct us. And I wonder how many times God has called out to me, wanting to tell me something, but I have not heard Him.

I’ve been feeling, at least for myself, that people want a fast food God. They want the short answer, the big lightning bolt answer, the burning bush in the middle of a snow storm, and the voice that speaks so loudly that the whole room can hear it. But, that’s not what God wants. He loves us no matter what, His grace is enough and He desires a relationship with us. He doesn’t want to give us the topical band-aid fix so that we can breeze past it and move right on to the next thing. He doesn’t want to stitch it up either….no, He wants to remove the infection, rebuild where it used to be and fill us up with something to make it even stronger. God’s in it for the long haul with us. He wants to know that we desire to build that relationship with Him, to hear His voice in the dead of the night, to see Him in the mundane, and to recognize Him for who He is.

In the Beginning there was..............A New Challenge

So, one of the churches that I have been attending has been going through “The Story” by Frazee over the last month. The premise of The Story is to look at the entire bible, in more or less of a story format, and exam God’s continual pursuit of us. Many members of our church and my small group were super excited about the actual study; however, for me it is a new challenge. I LOVE details, going deep into words, phrases and contexts, and looking at the entire picture; thus, this overview format of multiple chapters at a time is hard for me. I’m not sure where all these little why questions that I have fit into the really big picture of God’s love and pursuit of His people. However, it is really challenging me to take a step back, to only look at the big picture, let the details fuzz away and try to learn in a new way.

The Creation
In the beginning, God created a new challenge- almost to himself- and he created the world. This creation is an overflow of God’s glory and it is ALL His house. As it says in Genesis when God created man He came down to earth and created man with his own hands AND He created us in HIS own image. How groovy. God created US, imperfect humans, to resemble HIS image! In addition, God did not create us to be puppets or to forcefully worship Him. No, no, no, God desired for His relationship with His creation to be genuine and their choice. In order for His creation to have a choice on what to follow and what to believe, God needed to give them a choice. By giving Adam & Eve rules and introducing the “forbidden fruit” God was allowing Adam and Eve to exercise their free will. As soon as Adam & Eve made the choice to eat the fruit they became afraid and went to hide from God. Each party blamed someone else when they talked to God about the situation. Even though God was upset, angry and hurt that those He created had chosen to listen to another above His voice, He still continued to love Adam & Eve. God helped Adam & Eve to make clothes so that they no longer felt naked- even though that did not matter to God. Of course there was a consequence for their actions, Adam & Eve were no longer allowed to live in the garden, but God did not push them away. On the contrary God continued to talk with Adam &Eve, and their children, and carry in their relationship as if the original disobedience had never occurred. Such beauty. Throughout the story of Adam & Eve and Cain & Able, God always asked His people to talk with Him. God always gave them the chance to be honest but His people chose to lie and let their sin rule over them. Then, after each time His people lied to Him in these beginning stories, God continued to talk with His people and still desired to be in communion with Him; how beautiful!

A New Connection

This last week has truly been something else. It has been smothered with newness, lessons and the unexpected: from births to deaths and accidents and failing health. It’s hard to see Jesus in the chaos, or to even remember that he exists; but this week was so different. Each phone call I received, each text message about the happenings in my friends’ lives drove me to intense prayer. Each prayer was so much more than words, something shifted in me every single time that I uttered words or groans to the Lord. I remember praying for a friend last week and just dropping to the floor in tears. I prayed until I felt something shift – maybe 20 or so minutes. It was almost like I felt the pain that He feels for these situations. It’s hard to put to words. But after multiple sets of bad news over a few days my heart ached and yet I had joy. I know that’s weird but I did. But I always felt the Spirit with me, whispering to me, and holding me.
God provided an opportunity for me to carry another’s burdens without my world crashing down. Sure it was hard, and sure I took on a few extra responsibilities to try and help; but for the first time in a LONG time I can say that I didn’t do any of it out of my own strength. I can’t believe how Christianese this might sound, but I did nothing without prayer. There were a few times that I tried, and I allowed worry and guilt to try and guide my actions and all the doors immediately closed.
A week has passed and not every situation is better, not everyone is back to 100%. There’s a million variables, the most important being the matters of a person’s heart, but I have a new sense of hope. I have a new connection with Jesus, one that was not built on knowledge, strategy, or a set of rules; rather it was built from acknowledging the still small voice, yielding to it, and spending time with him as I lifted the burdens of my life up to him.

Loving From A Distance

This past week has presented me with a bit of a perplexing issue; at least in regards to love and the misconceptions that we have created about what it means to love. At a societal level, I think we have convinced ourselves that loving is not strong, that to love everyone makes a person a doormat to be continuously used, or that the person has no discernment.
If we look at the life of Jesus, because, well that is the life that we are given as an example to live by, we see love. We see a man who gave up his heavenly position to come down to earth to serve a people who were going to reject him anyway. We also see Jesus executing discernment on where he spoke and who he hung out with. There are very few accounts of Jesus actually spending time in synagogues (only twice I believe) or of him spending time with the Pharisees. Now, don’t get a head of me. However, Jesus still does have a handful of conversations with the Pharisees, when they approach him with questions. Also, when Jesus was in those places or having conversations with the Pharisees, he was acting and speaking out of love. Now, I am going to make an assumption here, based on my own thoughts and insights. I believe that Jesus did not spend all of his time in those situations for a few reasons: he was counter cultural, he was not worried about legalism/rules, and because he knew those situations would not be healthy or beneficial to his life and his ministry.
Now, of course I cannot enter into Jesus’ mind and verify his thoughts BUT it seems to make sense. Jesus knew that the Pharisees wanted an argument, they wanted to try and ruffle his feathers, they wanted to disgrace him, and Jesus knew that they eventually wanted to kill him. So, why in the world would he have wanted to spend time with people who had those types of intentions? Yet, Jesus still loved them, still taught them, still spoke to them with the same tone and intensity which he spoke to his disciples. To me, this is Jesus exercising discernment by acknowledging that there were situations that were not beneficial for him to be involved in, in order for Him to expand his life and teachings.
If Jesus, the son of God had situations/people in his life that were not healthy for him to be a part of, how much more do we have those situations in our life? There will inevitably be people whose intention is to harm us – mentally, physically or emotionally – and once we have felt their intention it is unwise of us to be a part of that situation. That does not mean we need to slander that person’s name, seek revenge, or do anything else that would dishonor that person; but it might mean that physical distance needs to be placed between you and that person. And the great thing about prayer is that we don’t have to be with that person to be able to pray for them.
It can seem like a tricky line but it is not a weak decision. It takes a lot of strength to love in this manner. I think it is super important for us to identify situations that are unhealthy in our lives and listen to what your “gut” feeling is about them. So often that feeling is the Holy Spirit guiding you, take it to God and don’t be surprised if He asks you to love someone from a distance.

Catch up :-)

So this last month I have heard a lot of really awesome messages and I have been meaning to write about them, but just ya. So I thought I would just put little tidbits here :-)
The Orchard- all words of Scott Hodge
-Getting stuck is the easy part; getting unstuck is the hard part
-No problem can be caused by the same consciousness that caused the problem in the first place – Albert Einstein
-TO get something you have never had you need to do something you have never done.
-There is cumulative value in investing small amounts of time in something over a long period of time.
-Neglect has a cumulative effect
-There is NO cumulative value to the urgent things that we allow to interfere with the important things
-Am I giving the best part of my day/week/month to the things that are the most important in my life?
-Good things VS great things
-Gossip: when a person who is involved is neither a part of the problem or the solution
-In light of my past experiences, what is the wise thing to do?
-In light of my current circumstances, what is the wise thing to do?
-In light of my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do?
-What am I doing RIGHT now that has the potential to rob me of my future hopes and dreams?

River Valley - Andy
-Discouragement breeds impatience and self discrimination
-Real love is doing whatever you can to help another person grow to their true potential
-If you aren’t willing ot obey what you hear, why bother asking?
-Often times God’s plans don’t look the way we would like them to, but we have to ride the storm- we aren’t always pulled out – Bob Crane
-The time is always right to do what is right – Bob Crane
-Creation is an overflow of God’s glory: look at a person’s house/decorations and you can an idea of who they are: we live in God’s house
-Created us IN His image
-Don’t make the created your identity or let created things define you
-Man was NOT created to be a puppet, he was designed to have free will and make choices. The only way to have that choice is to be given an opportunity to exercise it

Chicago I-HOP
-Good is Best’s worse enemy
-When confessed God can use our mistakes for our biggest promotions
-Encounter with the Lord brings change
-Live FROM out identity, not for it
-Jesus’ assignment was to reveal God – To be a father in an orphaned world

A Doosey of a Night

A Doosey of a Night
It was finally Friday night and after a wonderful birthday dinner for my mom it was time to hang out with some friends. Plans had already changed about 5 times about where I was going and which group of friends I was going out with; it was eventually decided that I would pick Rob up and go have a birthday drink or two with Roy. If only I had known then. As we were about to pull into the bar where they were suppose to be, we get a call that they had relocated to downtown Naperville – ain’t no thing just a little drive. Though both Rob and I are taken back as Features on a Friday night is not really this crowd’s atmosphere. Nonetheless we go. We have a shot downstairs and then the group wants to go upstairs. The whole night had an eerie undertone that I could not possibly explain. I stand facing the majority of the crowd in Frankies and after a few minutes this random swell happens. Something had just shifted, the air felt different, people were kind of moving away from dancing but not really. I figured someone was throwing up or passing out because the bouncers weren’t acting like it was a fight. Another song played and then the lights went on, bouncers were trying to get people out of the way, and all I hear is “someone was stabbed”. I look at the people I was with and decide it is time to leave.
The next couple of days unfold more parts of the story, one guy stabbed three people that night. One of the men who was stabbed died at the hospital, another needed surgery, and the third was in serious condition but was released by mid day Saturday. Someone died. I was in the room, lots of people were, and someone died. There was still no release of a motive for the stabbing, the rumor is that it was a fight about beer or hats; hard to believe that’s a reason to stab someone over. They arrested the guy who did the stabbings, and he confessed.
My first feeling was to be angry at this man who stabbed three people. I mean how dare he. Then while at work I was stocking the shelves I thought “holy cow, this guy needs just as much love”. Now don’t jump to conclusion, every action has consequences, and he needs to be prepared to face that. However, that doesn’t change the fact that this guy needs love just as much as anyone else. And no, I am not trying to make excuses for his actions, or make assumptions about his life; we all need love. No one deserves to have their life taken from them by another person. And no one who is okay and stable in life attempts to take the life of another.

P.S. It was also a reminder about the Domino effect of a single action. You never expect that insulting someone is going to lead to you getting stabbed. You never think that trying to help a friend is going to get you killed. And I bet the guy who did the stabbing didn’t realize that he was about to impact 2 school districts and hundreds of lives. Almost no action ever effects only one person.

The First Love

As this idea of making the love which is defined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 my DNA has been rattling around in my brain, I have begun to think more about the first love. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:36-40). This was Jesus’ response when he was asked “what is the greatest commandment?”. In a way that only Jesus could do, he gave a two fold answer to what was intended to be a single answer. What this tells me is that these two ideas/commandments are intended to work together.
It is easy to look around at society and point fingers at “Christians” who are not loving people in this way because it is tangible. However, as we focus on an outward love, if you will, it is easy to loose sight of the first love: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” Jesus did not leave much room for interpretation or wiggle room about what is more important: loving God with everything we have. Time and time again it has been talked about what this looks like- give your body as a living sacrifice, surrender your thoughts, seek God for advice in daily decisions, etc, etc, etc. And by no means am I hear to say I disagree with any of those practical acts. However, I don’t want to forget that God gave us a definition, multiple times, about what love is.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
So, should this not be the same way that we approach our love of God? To be patient with Him, to be kind, to not envy the choices he might give others, to not boast about the things He has given you that others may not yet have, to not be prideful and think you know how to do it better. To honor Him with our words and actions, to not look at what He can do for us, to not be instantly angry when we do not like the way things are, to remember He keeps no records of wrongs. To not delight in doing what we know breaks His heart. To protect His name and His people, to trust what He tells us, to put our hope in Him, and to not give up on Him despite what the world around us says.
After all, that is the way that He loves ALL of us. What makes this most difficult is that we cannot always see God, at least not in the same way that we can see a person. Of course, one of the ways we show our love for Him is in the way that we treat other people; and that is something God is concerned with. However, what He is most concerned with are the matters of our heart. As you serve those around you, are you doing it with a heart of love? With a heart that is first full of love for God and then serving out of that love? Do you really seek to love God or are you too busy covering up the first love with all the actions of the second love?

I Know it Means Something

I know that not every dream means something; but I do believe they can. For me, I know that I wake feeling a little bit different, I remember the dream a little different, and details are more clear after I have a dream with a message. In the last few weeks I have had 2 dreams that are meant to tell me something. I sense the generalities, the warnings and the concepts that are portrayed to me, but I am having one heck of a time pinpointing any specifics. So, I thought I would share them.

The first one: I was at a house on ocean (though it looked more like a lake) front property. I was out swimming, fairly far out but not like in the middle of the lake- I was close enough to yell to the people on shore but probably far enough away from them to actually know what was going on type of thing. There was also someone else out in the water with me but initially they were a distance away from me. Anyway, I saw the fins of different types of fish on the water. The water was dark (like I said it was more like a lake) and the fins were black. I was convinced (and was logical in the dream) that these were large angel fish and that I was going to enjoy swimming with them. Well, as they started to swim closer, I realized that they were not angel fish; rather they were sharks! The majority of the sharks swam past me but one decided that I looked like a delicious treat and he began to nibble on my leg. That’s really all I remember. I don’t remember if I yelled for help, if the other person in the water was by me, or what happened once I got back to the shore. All I know is that it just took a couple nibbles but didn’t kill me.

Number 2: I was back in high school and part of some band (marching or concert) and we had driven in large busses with all our equipment from our school to another location. (side note: I am not sure why this is such a common time period and activity that occurs in my dreams). I had a handful of equipment and was walking it through the school. As I was walking there was place where we had to walk out of the school and then back in. During this path there was a small stream (I can’t remember if there was ice frozen around it- I think there was) Anyway, on either side of the stream were also goats (why wouldn’t there be at a school). With the equipment in my hands, I had to walk across this unsteady ground while pushing goats out of my way. Not sure what was on the other side of the path because half way through the really short path I switched to another scene. I was standing on a ledge, inside a building. (I don’t remember if I was trying to pass things through a window, clean, get through the window and out of the room- for some reason the last one seems to ring a bell). As I was standing on the ledge there was a black pig in the room (again why not?) who was standing on his hind legs and trying to knock me off the ledge with his front legs. The pig was trying to bite at my feet and scratch with claws that I couldn’t see but were leaving scratch marks on my bare feet.

So, just thought I would share those and see if anyone gets some insight :-)

it's like that dream

A few weeks ago I had a strange dream: which for me is not all that unusual, in fact it is common. However, what was unusual about this dream was the direct real life application of it.

The dream began and I was a student, I believe, at a facility like Mooseheart and we were in a cafeteria type setting. I am not sure what it was that had me so upset, in my dream, but I was at my wits end. I started to run away from my ‘teachers’ and I was evading their attempts to tackle me. They were starting to close in on me so I jumped on the tables; destroying and scattering everything. After I jumped around on the tables and scattered everything on them, I jumped off the table and let them catch me. They wanted to cart me away to another room to talk to me. I felt bad that the other people who had to clean up the mess so I asked if I could help and then go away to the other room. My teacher allowed me to help clean up. Just as I was finishing the cleaning my friend Bekah came up to me and hugged me. I just started to cry. She asked me why I did it and I told her that I was just so tired, fed up, and had to get my frustrations out. Then she asked me if I felt better and I said that I did. I then told her “watch me, I’m going to go and suck up now”. I proceeded to go “check in” with the man that wanted to take me to another room. He began to talk to me but he was mumbling, walking away and not making sense.

I woke up and thought ‘crap, how often life is like that’. We get upset or annoyed, freak out, and create a mess that is going to take the help of other to clean up. As we clean up and even start to walk away, often we still aren’t even sure where it is that we are supposed to be headed. How easily we forget that one tantrum can affect so many people, that messes take a while to clean up and that we are further way from where we originally wanted to go anyway.

messy people create messy places

People are imperfect and messy – always have been, always will be; even the Bible tells us that we all fall short. Thus, by extension, anything that people do or become involved with will be messy and imperfect: relationships, jobs, organizations, wild life, family, and even churches. There is no way around it, not in the world as we know it. Sure the heads of churches can implement things to eliminate some of the messiness- having boards of directors, accountability, boundaries and the like; however, it is still a messy imperfect person holding another messy imperfect person accountable. You see what I mean? There’s no end to the cycle.
Now, there are churches that are more open about their messiness and imperfections; personally I think that says volumes to their character. When any organization is open about their mess and imperfections it is likely that they will actually be less messy, though still imperfect. Why? Because when your mess is in front of everyone you are more likely to clean it up instead of hiding it; which as history and life shows us causes a bigger mess. The Bible talks about this too, to bring the darkness into the light. The darkness and the mess will never go away, not in this life. So ya, churches are going to be messy- some to the point of corruption and some with just a few broken lamps.
And what will your response be to the mess? Will you cast yet another judgment their way: to the entire church? Will you focus on the mess and not be able to see past it? Will you hold it against the church for the rest of your life? Will you go? Will you love the people and embrace the mess? Will you just pretend it doesn’t exist? Will you just substitute your own reality? Your response to another’s mess affects your mess and speaks to your character as well.
Now there are some churches whose messes have violated ethical and legal boundaries; that is a whole nother can of worms. However, that still does not give anyone the right to cast judgment at them. There will always be consequences for our actions; and regardless of what they are everyone still needs to be respected.
I realize the possible implications of what I just said, but I stand by them nonetheless. For a long time I wanted to work with people in prison who had done jacked up things to other people. Why? Because they are broken people- just like the rest of us. I don’t think that anyone is broken beyond repair, if you will. I think that some of us are broken and don’t want repair, are afraid of repair, don’t think we are worth repair, don’t realize we can have repair, and such. I’m not saying it wouldn’t take a long time, years or even decades. But I believe that everyone deserves to know that they have the ability to be less broken and change; should they choose to pursue that is another story entirely. After all, who are we to create a hierarchy of sin or wrongness? Stealing and rape are both wrong, that’s the bottom line.
All of that to say that it is easy to visit a church, or hear about a church, and cast judgment upon them. To pick the church apart because of one thing or another and cast them aside because they weren’t perfect. To say that a church is hypocritical and never want anything to do with churches. There will never be a perfect church, that gets everything right all the time, that is everything we want and expect a church to be. There will always be something, someone or some incident that will be a blemish; but that doesn’t necessarily mean that entire church is worthless, nor does it mean that all churches are worthless. It is very similar to loving people – to love them regardless!

Anti Cookie Cutter

Cookie Cutters- pieces of plastic or metal that are predesigned and premade, they are designed for the purpose of creating something (usually cookies) to all look the same. To make it easier for the baker and to ensure that all the pieces look the same. Now, while this is wonderful for baking or making molds or houses or any stuff like that, it is boring and mundane.
So, what I want to know (kind of) is who had the genius idea to create cookie cutters for people? I suppose that I could be more specific: why have we (society) created a cookie cutter Christian? Think about it. When you think about a person who is a Christian – you have a certain set of ideals, actions, activities, likes, dislikes, attire and music that initially pop into your mind. On the one hand, that is understandable, you take in the people that you know and you create stereotype: that is pretty natural.
However, what is not natural, is the cookie cutter that comes from within the church. When a church makes you feel like there is a list of things that you need to do in order to be accepted. When it makes you feel that you need to act a certain way, say certain things, hang out with certain people and on and on and on. It makes my heart hurt. There is no cookie cutter for people!! There is nothing that you have to do- just love the Lord and believe in Him and Jesus. And even if you don’t believe that, you should still be welcome into any church – there should not ever be a cookie cutter scanner at the doorway of a church that only makes certain people feel welcome. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. That being said I want to apologize and stand in any gap for any time a church or a Christian has made you feel that you are not good enough, or worth their time, or made you feel uncomfortable with your life, or anything. Really, I’m serious. I know that I can’t take anything you’ve been told, called or felt back. I can’t change it, but I want to apologize anyway. And if there is something that I can do, just let me know.


Life is messy. Cookie cutters can’t handle messes. Some days are bad and you struggle to find the good in them. People will make you angry, they will hurt you and make you never want to trust them or anyone else again. Sadness is real. Events in our lives don’ t make sense. We will never, in this life, understand why justice seems so far away. It is impossible to help everyone, and some days it feels like it is impossible help anyone. Hearts break. Loved ones are lost. Breaks can seemingly take forever to be caught. What happens to you might not be fair. When life gets messy you might want to swear, hit things, run away, cry, scream, have a drink, smoke something, be alone, sing, dance, be surrounded by people, be angry with God or goodness knows what else. And in all honesty, your reaction, whatever it is, is okay. Your reaction doesn’t make you any less of a person or any more of a person for that matter. More importantly, I think, is your honesty.
All that to say, forget the cookie cutter. Forget that it might have once existed. Forget the people who told you or made you feel you ever needed to fit into one. Just forget it. There’s no place for cookie cutters in this world :-)