**Snow**

Growing up around Chicago, has brought me many snowy winters throughout my childhood. I don't remember ever having such dislike towards the winter as I seem to have now. It really all got worse when I came back from California. When I came back and drove through the snow and the sleet and the rain - it just brought me down. I missed the sunshine and the warmth of where I had been living. And when it snowed, it just seemed to piercingly represent all that california isn't - and I, of course, wasn't ready to let go just yet and every snow just reminded me of what I couldn't have. But here I am now, able to look at the beauty that has come from it.
Yesterday, was one of the worst blizzards I have seen in some time. The wind whipped, it was dreary, the roads were horrendous and it was too hard to even go outside to play. I was so angry and annoyed. We had to go to the grocery store to get food for the next few days, and then we shoveled the massive driveway/parking area. I was cold and soaked with snow and I could have just screamed. Instead I made dinner, and put a movie in for the boys. I was so excited when i went to leave that the snow had stopped, it was peaceful once again. Only to pull up to my house and realize that I needed to shovel out some spaces for parking. Initially I grumbled, I got the shovel and barricaded thru the mounds of snow. But then, I stopped. I looked out at the forest line behind the house. I was captured by it's beauty. The snow, was glistening in the night. It was so pure, so clean, so beautiful. I could have just stood there and starred for hours. I started to shovel as I marveled at how such beautiful scenery was brought by such a horrendous storm. Three hours earlier, I never would have imagined such a peaceful night - but here it was. And how amazing, that God can do that with our lives. That he can take the storms and the ugliest moments of our lives and turn them into beauty and aww. That he can take those storms and remove them - make them stop - and bring about a new peace. And allow us to start clean. To be pure and sparkling and beautiful.
Heaven, for God must be like a snow storm. After everything he has had to watch, and the storms He had to put his son through, Heaven is the place where God can create such beauty, permanently.

nothing

I want to cry, but I cant
I want to process thoughts, but I can't
I feel engulfed by nothing-ness
It's all floating by

Searching for so long to find the core
Where did this hurt begin
Why does it always come down to the same battle?

I feel like I should just plaster epic fail on my head
call the game early

I wont' let go of whatever I'm holding on to
I don't know where to land if I fall
The world is full of hurt, and I'm trying to learn to love in it

Too afraid of losing what little I have
Too many times it's hurt

Why can't I ever get it right?

Finished another book :)

Lately, focusing has been an issue for me. I feel like the world is flying by with millions of thoughts, images and ideas rushing towards me on a continual basis. How am I supposed to know what to focus on? So, logically, I head to Caribou Coffee on my day off to get some work and reading done :) How glorious, to have finished another book - Healing for Damaged Emotions (with the workbook) on the gloomy rainy day. It feels so great to have fnished two amazing books and to feel like my life has a chance of making sense and coming together.

As I've read through this book it has helped me to dig up some hurts AND it's almost felt like a text book as well. I have a sense that I will be in a counseling role, to some capacity, in my life. I still have snipets of being a speaker for young women. Who knows.

THe last two chapters have been about depression and God's recycling grace. The two chunks of scripture that have been repeating thru the book are 2 Corinthians 4: 7-9, 16 7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.


And also Romans 12:9-21
Future Glory
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[a] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
More Than Conquerors
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[b] who[c] have been called according to his purpose.

That's all that I really have for now. I'm still processing through all that I have learned and how to apply it. That God isn't the author of all events, but He is the master of all events. This means that nothing ever happens to you that God can't and won't use for good if you will surrender it into His hands and allow Him to work. (p 187)

PS I think that everyone needs to go thru this book!! :)

Goal Updates

I was just thinking that it has been some time since I posted "updates" and was thinking about the goals I had set by myself on September 21st - it's nearly two months later and I feel like I have made some progress. When i had posted it, my goals were:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with God in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something God is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings

So here is where I stand on these goals:
1. I have not read one psalm a day but I have spent at least 20 minutes with God most days
2. When the children have not been sick or when I've not been in meetings I have met my goal of working out for 30 minutes at least 4 times a day. And now that I have started rock climbing I go for a few hours every Monday.
3. I have mostly succeeded at limiting my coffee intake and my caffeine intake in general - of course, minus those few very very long nights
4. I believe I have successfully managed to blog once a week about what I've been learning.
5. And I've put away $150 every month.

So, I may not have met them all, but I believe that I"m making very awesome progress!! I also finished one of the many books I started "Self Talk, Soul Talk" and it was pretty sweet!! I will begin "Bad Girls of the Bible and what we can learn from them" in the up coming weeks and possibly "Just give me Jesus" I woudl also like to pick up a kurt vonnegut book as well - my poor brain might explode and I will love it, in that awesome kind of way!

I'm just very excited about where life has taken me and what God has been teaching me. It has been so beautiful that I don't even think I could put words to it if I tried :)

How big is that solid rock?

On Christ this solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.
Today, I asked myself, just how big is this solid rock? And I got this feeling that it's not very big - not today.

Ya know when you are packing for a trip, or trying to arrange a room of furniture, and you look at all you have, and the space you assume that it won't fit? That there's not enough room - even when in reality, there's plenty of room? When you look at something through small lenses when they should be looked at with a magnifying glass?? I always think that there's not enough of something (especially food) or that there's not enough room for what I have. But usually, when all is said and done, there was plenty and often more than what was needed.

So, how often do I do that to God? I say that I want to trust Him, I present this huge plans and then when things begin to fall into place, I get nervous. Dear God - there can't be enough room - what was I thinking?? I know that you are my rock, but this rock is clearly not big enough for me to stand on. I'm going to fall into that sinking sand. I'll just save myself all the trials and just go into the sand right now, Lord, and we'll go from there.

Ugh, how wrong in my thoughts. God says, there's enough. God knows what's best. And there is ALWAYS room on the solid rock!! I think the question is, will we let there be room? God has me in His hands, probably more than I've let Him in a long time!! But when I let the waves of doubt, and frustration, and confusion in - the sinking sand will swallow up as much of MY solid rock as I let it!! God promised us a solid rock to stand on, to stand firm on - if we choose to. He did not promise that the sinking sand would go away.

But, the more that I can whole heatedly trust in Him, the larger my rock will be, the steadier it will be, the more room I will have to walk. THe more I give up and give to God, the stronger He will be in my life.

Jesus, please help me to let it go. There is nothing I can do to change the way work is panning out. Lord, remove these evil dreams at night from my mind. God, help me to trust that YOU are so TOTALLY there!! That I do not need to worry and doubt. Lord, may I rest in your hands and in your peace. Times are going ot be hard - Lord, be with the children, and help us all as we transition through this. Jesus, I want to cry but help me to find the joy and the peace that will come. Lord, you have created me, just as I am. May I rest in that, and lean on you. God, may you have the glory and may it be about you! Lord, please, help me to focus on you, your light, and your truth. In Jesus name! Amen!

memories and anger

The last few days have been flooded with memories, yet again, from past relationships. At first it made me angry, like, why can't I just let go of this, why are they continuing to remind me of all the mistakes I've made. Then in being angry at my memories I just got angry in general. I shut down, I didn't really want to talk to anyone, I wanted to just curl up and sleep - not because i was tired, but just because I didn't want to deal with people.
But ya know, it's funny what happens when we allow God to meet us where we are at. Even on days when prayer is too hard, when i can't find the words to say, I'm thankful for books. I picked up Self Talk, Soul Talk by Jennifer ROthschild and started to read today, about memories - go stinking figure. She talked about how our memories, though some of them may be painful, can bring us great joy. Memories of past hurts and trying times can remind us of how God carried us through them, and what we learned from them. While I'm not sure if that's why my memories surfaced this week, I know that I can transform them into that. I can pull out the positive, good things that came from all the broken relationships. And I can be remembered that God still protected me from pregnancies, diseases, drug addictions and much more. And through these relationship I've really been able to learn what I want and should expect out of a biblical relationship. I've experienced, first hand, what the warning signs are, and that will also allow me to share them with other people. But like so many other things in life, it's what ya make them.
Then as I was reading, I saw my bookmark - a piece of notebook paper that I had written some quotes on from the previous chapter. Things like this from Louis L'Amour "Anger is a killing thing. IT kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had before - it takes something from him". Or Marcus Aurelius "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger, than the causes of it". Or, this one, this one stings that she wrote "Ask God to help you embrace what you can't avoid, accept what you don't like and channel your passion into wise responses.
So, now here I sit, in my favorite coffee shop: having gone from not knowing how to pray to having more than I can fathom to pray about.

What is family?

I know the big question was always, who is my neighbor? But ya know, I've got that question down - really we're all neighbors. But really, what is family??
In recent months, this question has been bopping around my brain. It seems illogical to me, that just because i share DNA with someone that I should automatically love them and go the extra mile, just because we have a blood relation.
Traditionally, anyways, isn't family the people that you are supposed to be closest to? The ones that you turn to for advice, that help guide you on your journey, that you've developed a relationship with?? Like when families had to work together for survival, they needed to work together, and turn to each other - often for time of survival. They needed each other and out of that need, I believe, they developed strong ties to each other. Having that common ground to work towards provided a foundation for them to build upon.
So what about now? Family has lost it's sense of importance. I have a family based on my blood relations, but where's the emotional ties?? The common ground, for many has dissipated. Where do we turn to for our support? Where do parents send their children with their questions??
I can't help but look at my family, I love them, some of them I love dearly. Many of them I do not like what they do. Most of the time we don't communicate. We get together for family parties, and hug and put on these fake smiles, and then the backstabbing emotional turmoil comes out - and the beer just keeps coming. Both sets of my grandparents are incredibly knowledgeable, and I love listening to their stories and spending time with them. But, for most of my family, I would not turn to them for advice. I do not particularly value their opinions. However, they are my family- biologically anyways. Lately, though, it seems that my biological family are like connections, networks to maintain - in case something comes up in the future. Or, financial connections to help me out in times of need or want - but lately, I've struggled to view my biological family relationally, as people I deeply love and care for. I feel little emotional ties to them, sure if they die, I will be upset. Is that so wrong? It's not even like they've wronged me, it's just not there.
On the other hand, the people I turn to for advice I am not biologically related to. We share none of the same DNA yet they are the first ones that I call when a problem arises, they are the opinions and values that I trust. But ya know what's funny?? They are my family that I will be spending eternity with. They are the ones that I feel emotionally connected to, that I view relationally, that have been there, that I am connected to.
I'm not sure why this has been rocking my brain the last few days but it definitely has been. But I really think, the overall, people have lost as sense of family because they have lost a sense of value and of faith. But I don't know if anything will really bring that back until Jesus comes back.

heart aches

I woke up this morning with you on my mind
Its been so long since we spoke
my heart just sunk
I couldn't help but ask God, why?
Why are you now so far away from Him?
How can it be that those who brought me to my feet,
pulled me out of the sinking sand,
and got me in the right direction
have denounced Your name?
Years have passed
but today,
today I'm flooded with memories
I miss them
and my heart aches

Perfect Secrets

Last week I was reading in my Healing for Damaged Emotions book and the author brought up a saying from alcoholic anonymous "You're only as sick as your secrets". And some thoughts started to flow in my brain and I dismissed them, but as only God can make them do they continued throughout the week. It's interesting, my secrets are no longer actions -and I thought that I didn't have any secrets left but I was wrong.

My secrets are that I'm overly critical, judgmental and continually analyzing the people around me and the way they live their lives. And I'm arrogant. It's easy to have secret thought processes and not have anyone be the wise because they are my thought processes but as this idea has been brought to the forefront this week I have seen how my secrets are affecting the relationships around me.

So often I have found myself thinking "I know that I do bad things but atleast I don't -...." or "How can she call herself a Christian when she does X, Y and Z". Or I've sat their and analyzed the amount of work my coworkers get done and wondered why they can't get more done. But instead of asking them about their work habits or offering to help them, I seem to just look down on them and think of them as inferior to me. Hence the arrogance comes into play. Which I find odd because I think that in general I come across as humble. But in my head I am continually telling myself that my ideas are best, and that I can do it better, and that they don't know what they are talking about.

So now what?? It's so much harder to be accountable for my thoughts because they are in my head and they can stay in my head for as long as I would like them to. But it's not okay to continue those thought patterns. They are affecting my relationships with people and ultimately my relationship with God. How do I begin to surrender these types of thoughts??

Does it really matter??

So, the other day got me thinking about how easily we can get caught up on small matters in the Christian realm - at least I think it's a small matter. Halloween. One day out of the year. I felt some disappointment from people that I dressed up and took my children trick or treating, but I ask, does it really matter??

I totally understand that Halloween is full of some very intentional darkness but not all of halloween is that way. What if I dressed my children up and had a costume party next week? Would it be more acceptable?? I know that Halloween originated from people (scadanavians maybe) who thought it was necessary to wear masks to keep the evil spirits away between the spring and the fall season. But is that really why we celebrate it today?? I don't think that's why most people "celebrate" Halloween. Most people just enjoy dressing up and getting free candy. Not to mention that the celebration of Christmas also originated around a pagan holiday - it was a celebration to a sun God. So does that mean that Christians should not celebrate Christmas too?? After all, December 25th is not even the actual date of Jesus' birth - but that's a whole 'nother can of ugly worms.

For me, it comes down to a heart issue for each and every person. If you are worshiping the holiday or are so consumed by trick or treating that you have pushed God out, then you should not participate. In the same way that if you are so consumed in the quantity of gifts you give or receive at Christmas then maybe you need to reconsider how you celebrate that holiday. Saying that Christians should not celebrate Halloween, to me, is like saying that Christians should never watch R movies, or they should ONLY listen to Christian music.

I find it interesting that we, as humans, seem to place more restrictions on ourselves and our lives that what God intended. I think all that does matter is that we "Love God with all our heart and mind and soul, and love our neighbors". So, to me, if there's something in life that is affecting your ability to do that, then it should matter: but otherwise, it seems like people are just splitting hairs.

All that being said, I don't particularly care for Halloween. It's rather pointless and I think it's a child's holiday. But it was great to see my children's faces as they received candy!!

Let the Waters Rise

This is one of my new favorite songs!! If you listen to K*Love you've probably heard it it's by a group called MikesChair - which I got to see when I went to the concert in Rockford!! They also preformed this song live - gave me goosebumps and i nearly cried - just so powerful and is really meeting me where I am at lately :)
......
This isn't the official video but I like the visuals with this one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tq42I1RY8wg&feature=related

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You'll never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

What's my Role?

I believe that people come in and out of our lives for reasons - some very specific and some more general. Sometimes it's someone that needs our help and sometimes it's someone that helps us. I also know that God sets up divine interventions among people. So after a relaxing yet chaotic weekend in Indy I'm left wondering what is my role, my purpose in my friends life?
I don't want to complain, or air dirty laundry but I do want to paint a picture. He has been one of my bestest friends for 3 -ish years. He has been through soo very much crap with me, and empowered me in all that I do. He has motivated me, been there for late night calls, provided for me, and just been an amazing man! Except - he's not Christian, and he happens to prefer men. Now, the fact that he is gay is not really the concern. The concern is that he does not know Jesus or seem to have a desire to invest in such a relationship. I understand the drama and politics that surround being gay and going to church, I understand that it can be a big taboo thing for churches still today. Let me be clear in saying that I do not believe homosexuality, or cross dressing, or gender switching is biblical, or Godly - it's a sin. Just as alcoholism, drinking, smoking, lying, cheating, gossiping, decieving, premarital sex, pronography, etc, etc, etc is a sin. But I don't want to have the "how should the church treat gays" talk - In fact I recommend a book my friend gave to me "Love is an Orientation" for people who are interesting in that.
What I'm trying to sort through is my specific role in this specific friend's life!
This weekend we went out to a gay bar, and mind you, I went willingly!!! I never once complained or sighed about it, I was kind of excited to be able to support my friend in this environment. But he had been drinking and when we got there he started to try and dance up on me. When I told him he was being obnoxious and that I wanted him to stop, he got very offended. He called me a gay hater, he mockingly said "oh, you're going to pray for them later", he said that I didn't want to be touched because I was going to church the next day. His words cut - I wanted to cry on the spot, but I didn't - in fact I did say a prayer (that I didn't punch him in his face) :)
These words hurt for several reasons - I thought he knew me better than that and like I said I went willing. I'm not a gay hater, I LOVE my friend and all of his friends (most of whom are gay). Yes I was uncomfortable but it was not because of the gay-ness going on around me - it was just b/c there were people grinding all over each other, practically having sex on the dance floor with my clothes on, and playing tonsil hockey all around me (some of them were legit guy, girl couples) I just don't want to be bumping and grinding anymore - is that really such a bad thing?? THe other reason it hurts is for a reason that most people don't know about. I have also struggled with sexual identity - not to the degree that others have but I have. I mean there was a period of time (3 or 4 years) where I refused to buy girls clothes or dress like a girl, I longed to be a guy. And when I used to watch a lot of porn I would watch mostly Lesbian porn. So here I was, in a place where it would have been totally acceptable for me to experiment and do whatever I wanted, but for once the desire wasn't there. And I rejoiced in that desire not existing but I hurt in being called such names.
THe next day rolled around, and we did not speak about it. Nothing was said about the names I was called, nothing was said about me not wanting to dance, nothing was said about the night, except that we had fun. Now, I know he remembers.
The reason this all struck me is b/c at the concert I went to LeCrae was talking about if we really love a person we will help them out - give them gum when their breath stinks, let them know when there is a booger on their face or hanging in their nose, etc...and much more with eternal matters.
So is it odd or wrong that I don't necessarily have that desire, to share the gospel with my friend? That I only feel the desire to show him Christ like love, forgiveness, and compassion?? Is that all my role is? Or is there something I"m missing God??

pottery

Last week when I was visiting Nic in Indianappolis, we went to an awesome church on Sunday! The Pastor was talking about God shaping us, as we are clay. That's an analogy that I have always loved and related to, because it's so visual and I do much better with things when I can visualize them. A potter knows the exact mixture that is in the clay, he knows exactly what to add or take away, which way to move his hands, where to put the curves or the handle or the spoout. There is nothing that arises that a potter can not take care of an correct to make the perfect pot/vase/animal. And each piece of pottery has it's own specific purpose. I mean, could that sound anymore like God?? That he knows everything about us! And that he designed each person so specifically- no mistakes were made and that he's continually molding us for a specific purpose. Even when we do not know what we should be, God does.
Not to mention, that God made man out of the dirt - kinda like a potter - weird huh?? :) :) :)

So I looked up some verses about pottery and I like to meditate on them - so here they are.

Isaiah 29:16 You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay!
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
"He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter,
"He knows nothing"?

Isaiah 64:7-9 7 No one calls on your name
or strives to lay hold of you;
for you have hidden your face from us
and made us waste away because of our sins.

8 Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.

9 Do not be angry beyond measure, O LORD;
do not remember our sins forever.
Oh, look upon us, we pray,
for we are all your people.

Jeremiah 18:2-4 2 "Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message." 3 So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.

Jeremiah 18:5 &6 5 Then the word of the LORD came to me: 6 "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.

Romans 9:20-22 20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "[a] 21Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

22What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction?

*Alter'd Mind*

Friday night was amazing!! My friend Joe had invited me out to his church for a Lecrae concert, he had told me about it 2 months ago and I was stoked. When Friday came I was pumped for some amazing music - LeCrae, Tedashii, After Edmund and Mikeschair. By the end of the night I had gotten so much more than a concert! It was a concert saturated in Jesus and the core of my being just soaked it up. That was the first Christian concert I had ever been to and it just rocked me. The name of the tour is called Alter Your Mind and it’s 2 hip hop/rap artists and 2 rock bands - and their purpose is to demonstrate that it doesn’t matter what kind of music you like but to bring people together for God and His Kingdom. Each group shared bits and pieces of their heart but LeCrae and Tedashii really hit it home for me.
They just made sure that the glory was going to God - and LeCrae even took the time to slow down his rhymes and asked the audience to do a heart check and make sure that we weren’t just repeating words that didn’t have meaning behind them. Between most every song scripture was read and referenced. We were challenged to really seek out where we find our identity - in Christ or in the things of this world. Reminded that in Christ we are a new creation (2 Cor 5:17- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!) and that our life styles should show that we have changed and that there’s something different about believers. The illustrations were so powerful. Reminders that feelings and instincts will often lead you to death - just as they do animals. My heart was rocked, broken down and soo very moved.
At one point LeCrae was talking about feeling overlooked during his youth and challenging us to take the time to invest in people who will often get overlooked. And maybe it was my pride, or maybe it was an affirmation, but I smiled on the inside and thought I have 6:) Then I started to think, wow, I do - I have 6 (soon to be 7) young boys that I have the opportunity to invest in. To share with, to help grow, to show Christ like love to and to minister to. And that’s how I want to look at it . I want to see it as an opportunity to share with them not a burden to raise them. I mean I know that some days it really is a burden and when they are throwing things at me, and trying to hurt each other it is hard to show them that unconditional kind of love….but isn’t that what God does for us? No matter how many times we spit in his face, turn our backs, mock him, and disobey - He’s still there, with loving arms to forgive us and welcome us back home. Besides, the kids in my house have pretty much lost their guardians, if I can’t/don’t show them love then who will? This job was sooooooo obviously chosen by God for me to have that I cannot sit back and expect someone else to show them love and kindness. It’s a cold and dark world - and for some reason my home is the place that God would like me to begin to show warmth and light. And I KNOW that a task like this cannot be done on my own strength at all, not even a little bit!!
Then a little later it was weird, LeCrae was talking about the ministry organization Reach Life, that he supports, and how they go to the inner city and places where people don’t usually go. He was saying that he knows not everyone is called to go out and do this type of ministry. And I swear to you that I nearly had to cover my mouth cuz I was about to just blurt out “I am”. I don’t mean like the words were said and then I pondered for a moment and then the words were going to come out of my mouth. NO! I mean like the words weren’t even out of LeCrae’s mouth yet and the “I am” phrase was already in my mouth. I just kind of smiled, and was like - okay God - when? And I just got this sense of - you will, just not now. So who knows when “you will” will have it’s time.
But PRIASE GOD for an amazing night, friends, convictions, and solid truth!!!

Hodge Podge of an over stimulated mind

It's been such an odd week. I've done a lot of processing, more than i think my brain can truly bear. I had a great talking with my friend Angie about latching on to guys and feeling lonely. And she reminded me that only God can truly fufill that loneliness and that it won't be easy. She also reminded me how important it is to be in prayer about it - to not latch on to guys and distort what is actually going on.

I also had the realization (all by myself) that I'm worth waiting for!! I've been paying better attention to the types of conversations that I have with guys. I told my other friend that I want a strong Christian man - Not some fake Christian, and no one is perfect - but a genuine believing strong leader. I know that sometimes I can be a strong woman and I know that I have worn the pants in most of my relationships. But I don't want to anymore. And I'm not going to make myself less strong just so that a guy can seem stronger. Something just clicked this week that God has a man for me, that will be a strong leader, that has been designed to fit me and I to fit him. Now, will that stop me from trying?? Maybe not lol but it has been making more cautious.

TOnight I finally created some time for myself and read in my Healing for Damaged Emotions book about grace and perfectionism. THe author talks about people who feel like God is a perfectionist and that they will never meet his approval. He brought up how grace is undeserved, yes, but it is a free gift bestowed upon us from God that He wants to give!!! Which just reminded me of Ephesians 2:8 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. ....Grace is just such an odd concept. I have a hard time with it from timeto time. I'm thankful that God forgives us and I believe that He does forgive me BUT I have a hard time accepting that. I still find myself thinking that I don't deserve it and then feeling bad about receiving this grace (which was given to me). And it's one of those things that I struggle with on earth as well = I have a hard time accepting things from people. Now I have gotten MUCH better with it over the years BUT it's still there.
THe end of the chapter is Matthew 11:28-30 and talking about how Jesus calls us to give us rest, to take his grace and allow our lives to be transformed.
Matthew 11:28-30 28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I know that nothing will end over night, and I'm rejoicing in how far I have come but it's what's on my mind. I'm excited for the next chapter "THe process of the healing for perfectionism" and it starts with Isaiah 53:4-6, 12
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, [a]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong, [b]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

Prayer request of the week - that my brain stops being ADD long enough to hear God and relax in Him.

Psalm 34

Every now and then ya read scripture and it just strikes you. I can't explain exactly why but I can say that as I read it my world stopped! The thoughts stopped racing, the to do list paused itself and I just read it aloud 3 or 4 times.

Psalm 34
Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.
1 [a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

whinning to God

Sometimes it just sucks. I have found myself whinning to God.

God, why do I feel so alone? I just want someone to go out and do things with - it could even be a female friend but of course I would prefer to be dating someone. I don't want to give up! I'm tired of going places by myself, sitting in a church with hundreds of people alone, lacking spiritual conversations and any socialization. I know that this is where you want me to be - but why? I feel the brick wall. Satan is a jerk and he keeps feeding into my lies - trying to tell me that I'm not worthy to be dated, that I'll only have men as friends. Afterall they are married, or gay, or just friends. Ohh he makes me so angry God! I pray in your name Lord that I would not listen to these lies! Lord that I would trust in you, and your timing!! That I would be thankful for all that you have offered and provided. That my mind would stay focused on these children. But God, i want an outlet too! I want a place to relax and rest and reconnect....how do i get that God? I just don't want to feel so alone, God.

The battle continues

I finally had some time off on a real weekend to hang out with adults: ya know people my age, without having to watch children, people I didn't work with, and just like real people. Ohh my goodness I was soo stoked! Beyond stoked actually, I praised GOd for getting some time approved to have a portion of a social life - even if it was only for a couple hours - it was a couple hours more than usual. I went, I had a great time! I was strong - I didn't drink any alcohol, I didn't make out or anything with any of the guys (which is good cuz most of them were married lol)!! I did get a number though, and I got like a lil school girl.
We talked and all I could think of was "when is the other shoe going to drop"? I wanted so bad to be optimistic but in the back of my head were all these lies circulating. How disgusting, that I had to convince myself that I was worth someone's time, that I can be liked for who I am and not have to put out to gain attention and respect. Ughh, I felt like such a high school drama queen. It took a day for my nerves and anxiety to rear their way into conversations. I tried to pray but I couldn't find the words. So the gaurds went up - hard core! I could practically feel the cement growing. So just because I can't convince myself that I'm likeable I overkilled my chance for someone to even get to know me. THank you horrible self talk and satan for your lies.
But what is the lie? Do I really think that I'm not a likeable person?? I don't think that's the case because I have friends lol And I think that they atleast like me. God, what is this lie that has been created in me? I don't want to make satan smile, I don't want satan to gain an ounce back of all that I have taken back.
I try to pray and the words flee from me. Last night I pulled up Romans8:26 -In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. - And I began to read over it again and again. I received no words, but I felt a peace.
I feel worthless in my groans because they make no sense to me- but I pray that I remember the groans mean something to God and I pray for sensitive ears to hear what He has to say in response.

looking glass self

I was just reading through one of my books and I came across this....

One of the characteristics of the child is that he knows and understand things partially. Part of growing up into mature love is to reach a fuller, face to face understanding. Our pictures and our feelings about ourselves come largely from the pictures and the feelings we see reflected in our family members - what we watch in their expressions, hear from the tone in their voices, and see from their actions. These reflections tell us not only who we are, but also what we are going to become. As the reflections gradually become part of us, we take on the shape of the person we see in the family looking glass. pg 86, David Seamands

As I read over that, i couldn't help but think of my kids. Ya know,some weeks they are rough and it seems like all they do is get in trouble and purposefully tick us off. But what type of mirror am I creating for these children? Am I nourishing their creativity? Encouraging them to be the best that they can be? Am I showing them affection and love? Or am I just agitated, and adding to the horrible image that their legal guardians have already placed upon them?

I know that we all aren't perfect and that we're all going to have bad days. But it seems like this is something that I need to be more aware of, as I raise these kids - and any other kids that come my way.

Memory and Sacrifice

God is able to forget our sins, to not hold our sins against us. But God has an incredible way of allowing you not to forget what He wants you to know. THe last few weeks I've had this memeory running through my head. Towards the end of my time at WIU, I had begun to read Isaiah and I remember being so convicted by it and talking with my roommate, Meme. I remember many times reading over the follwoing, Isaiah 1:10 -14:
Hear the words of the Lord. you rulers of Sodom; listen to the law of our God, you people of Gomorrah! THe multitude of your sacrifices - what are they to me? says the Lord. I have more than enough of burnt offerings, of rams and the fat of fattened animals; I have no pleasure in the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. When you come to appear before me, who has asked this of you, this trampling of my courts? Stop bringing me meaningless offerings! Your incense is detestable to me. New Moons, Sabbaths, and convocations - I cannot bear your evil assemblies. Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts my soul hates. They have become a burden to me; I am weary of them.
I remember my mind flowing of the destastable incense that i had tried to give to God. I tried to think about what would it look like to really give Him all of me. I started to think that the only sacrifice that was meaningful to God was the sacrifice of my old self. Was giving over the things that were holding me down. At the time, I was going out to the bars more than I should have, and I was engaged in some relationships that I should not have been. I remember thinking that those were the sacrifices I needed to make for God. ANd I remember saying, I'll start with the drinking.
And, we can see where that got me to - more relationships I should not have been in and more drinking as well.
Over the last couple years I had forgotten about that - until these last few weeks. So here I sit again, reading over those verses in Isaiah - asking GOd, what sacrifice do you want from me? And can ya guess what He told me? Of course you can - relationships. It's like I could just picture God sitting across the room, and smiling at me, saying, my child, you know what I want - in that way that only a loving Father can do.

If you can and remember - please pray for me as I work towards intentionally working on my view of relationships. As I try to not make the male friends I have my pseudo boyfriends, or husbands - that God is my emotional support!! That I do not go looking for new guys or try to dig up the old ones just for kicks. And maybe, ask God what your sacrifice is?

Jesus' wounds and satan's lies

As I've been reading through the psalms, I've also continued to read through Healing for Damaged Emotionswith the workbook. It has been some tough stuff to sift through. Much of it has been depressing, recalling the things from the past and what have you. BUt I ran across my favorite chapter the other day. I've read it before, and as soon as I began the chapter yesterday, it came rushing back with such a powerful force. The chapter is titled the Wounded healer.
Jesus was wounded. I'm amazed at how easily I forget that. I forget that not only was Jesus physically beaten but that he was emotionally tormented. THough Jesus was fully God he was also fully man - he was rejected and abandoned by the ones he loved and was closest to. Jesus tells of his soul being sorrowful as he was praying in the garden. In Matthew 26 Jesus talks about being sorrowful to the point of death and he asks his disciples to stay with him for comfort and they cannot even stay awake with him http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2026:36-46&version=NIV. Jesus knew what it was like to be alone. Can you even imagine the amount of pain that Jesus felt in his life? Even as Jesus knew it was His will, the burden was so heavy he asked His father to pass the cup onto another. And at the very end, he felt as if His father forsake him.
But I have a hard time remembering all that Jesus went through because, after all, he is God and perfect and independant. And I believe it's satan feeding me lies - trying everything he can to place a distance between God and I. I mean if satan can get me to believe that God doesn't understand my pain, then I won't go to God with my pain and then I'm less of a threat to satan - see satan thinks he's smart but Jesus is so much smarter!

Some scriptures that were highlited in this chapter that I have found helpful
Isaiah 53 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2053&version=NIV
Hebrews 4:14-16 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%204:14%20-16&version=NIV
Romans 8:26-27 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:26-27&version=NIV
Psalm 22 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2022&version=NIV

Update

I've avoided my blog for some time now. I wasn't living the way that I thought I should be living and din't have a desire to share that, I was embarrased. The last few months have been soo fast and full that I don't even know how to begin to sum them up, other than trying. I belive that sometimes it is important and almsot necessary to dig into the depths of what was to sort the mess of what is. But sometimes I think what was needs to simply be laid to rest.
There was nothing super tragic that happened to me - Somewhere around 5th grade there was a shift in my thinking and I remember my world turning sexual - not that I was having sex, or even preforming sexual acts. I know that having a father who always worked made me sad that he wasn't at home with the "family" and that it's possible I still hold on to that - in fact I know that it still affects me. It seemed that we/I was not worth his time and that is why he did not leave work. I know that it is not the case - whether his decision to work assanine hours was the right decision for the family is not something that will benefit me to pursue. My mother and I always butted heads and continue to do so to this day - she is a huge people pleaser and since she was the one who primarily raised me, it rubbed off on me. My sister was seemingly the favorite and the better looking daughter, and that impression continues to be placed upon me.
Then there was the "normal" growing up crap of having my heart broken, moving towns, being betrayed, hating authority, blah blah blah. THen there were the eating disorders, the suicidal ideation, the friends who tried to commit suicide and the like. The working and going to school and being in a competative marching band and trying to fill all the voids in my life with boys.
And there ya have most of my 24 years of life summarrized in less than a page.

In all of that I've realized that the details of the past aren't important. Like the cliche says - what matters is what I do with it. Am I going to sit and sort through it and find my exact pain? no- I'm not.

I heard an awesome service the other day, that brought me to tears - before the pastor even began to speak. I don't even remember the songs that we sung for music worship, but I just closed my eyes and started to pray - Dear God, break down these walls, break the wall of my desire to drink to avoid feeling, break the wall of running to a man, break the wall of bitterness....over and over I just repeated those words and as we continued to sing I started to cry. I wish that the kids weren't with me and I would have fallen to my knees and balled. I don't know what brought those feeling up inside me, but they were and I'm glad.

I'm putting alcohol aside - there's no need to mask the feelings that I have. I've gone 3 months with no sexual activity (except the one guy I kissed) and I haven't had a cigarette in like 5 months as well. I wish that my time frames were longer but those were my choices. And I know that I need to start small to build up - to be a woman of God.
I've been trying to pay more attention to my thoughts, and what I'm thinking about. It's hard - and my dreams are the worst as they are usually about sex.

In addition there will be no more estrogen pills - they didn't help to balance out my hormones and they only made me more emotional, bloated and aggitated. My body just has more testosterone than it should and I will deal with that on a needs be basis (so like when I get married and want to have a baby).

I've been doing my best to read a psalm a day and I'm making some headway.

My goals currently are:
1. Read one psalm a day, and spend 20 minutes with GOd in the morning
2. Work out for 30 minutes 4 days a week (to start)
3. Only have 2 cups of coffee per day
4. Blog about something GOd is teaching me once a week
5. Put $200 a month away into savings

Prayer

I read a simple statement today that got me to thinkin' about how I view my prayer life. In a book I'm reading it said that "Expressing thoughts and feelings may help us feel better, but prayer is not simply a divine therapy session. In prayer, the God of creation gives us direction."
I believe it is important to talk to God about how we feel, and what's going on in our mind. Lately though, I find myself stopping after I complain, or cry, or vent. I've forgotten how important it is to ask God for his direction, how to handle the pain, what's next in my life, etc.
God is soo much more than a sounding board and I need to remember that!

It is what it is

*This is a rated R post for sexual content*

For the last few months I have been reading thru Captivating with a friend, have been doing devotionals from a book called Fearless, and recently began counseling again. My life is saturated with digging and prying, and finding the causes of the wounds.
I have had amazing counseling sessions and then I have had ones where it was like running up against a brick wall. I have had the most disturbing of dreams, that I believe came from God, and then again I've had nights where I slept so very peacefully. I still am not able to attend a church service (just the so so one that I am required to bring my children to every Sunday morning).

Today, instead of working backwards (looking into my childhood to explain my life now) my brain started to relive and be completely absorbed in my california life. My internship in California brought about many of it's own struggles, but none of them were as hard to recover from as the relationship that occurred while I was out there. One of my "wounds" and "self talk" and "fears" is that if I am not offering a man physical pleasure, he will not stay around, and that it's the only way I can hold his interest. No wound was pried into more, than that wound. I went 4 months without having many friends - male or female - and then a lady finally set me up on a date. We spent the whole evening hanging out, talking, listening to Christian music and when it got time to be dropped off, we started kissing. THe next night he came over late and spent the night and we had sex, let me rephrase that, he penetrated me. I had said no, when he had made the suggestion - but an hour later, there he was, on top of me- what was I to do? I felt like crap, i cried, I couldn't sleep - it had been 4 years since I had actually had sex, and now in one night that record was gone.
Despite talking about it with him, it happened again. Yet, I continued to call him, he brought me lunches and dinners. We went to the movies and the beaches. He came to church with me every Sunday morning. After all, it had to be consensual cuz I never said "no". I was tired of it, I wanted something real, something meaningful. He told me that he loved me, and wanted to marry me and blah blah blah. We did good for like a month, and then after a long talk about not wanting to anymore, that I was afraid, he said he understood. That was, until the next day. I asked him to stop, I said no -nicely- but he still got what he wanted. All in that moment I simply wished i was dead.
Every little fear from any previous relationship all came rushing forward. I had let this happen, it was my fault, I deserved it. All my years of being a teenager I had wondered what it was like to be raped (cuz my cousin was continually raped by her boyfriends) and when I was younger, I thought that if something traumatic like that happened to me that maybe it would explain the rest of my depression.
Well here it was, it was rape. I lost the energy to fight. He never left a mark on me, he never hit me, but he did take something from me that I wasn't ready to give him.
In all my insecurities and my fears, I stayed with him. Sure we argued about it, sure I said I felt like I was raped but of course he didn't agree.Of course we argued daily when I didn't want to kiss him, when I told him I didn't trust him, when I told him I didn't love him. But every day he was there, and he kept calling.
So, it is what it is - I was raped. I never told anyone. How do you tell someone that? I may have told one person, and that person didn't have much to say.
Why does it matter? It matters because I can't move on from it. It matters because I'm still stuck in that place, in those fears and emerged in that wound. I haven't forgiven him and I haven't really moved on. Instead I've had sexual escapades with guys from my past to try and fill that hurtful void, I've watched other people having sex- to feel their pain and get pleasure without doing it myself - and I've held onto shallow relationships in an attempt to find meaning again.
In the last few weeks I have tired - I've stopped talking with guys who only want to talk about sex, I've taken phone numbers out of my phone, and I've told a few people to stop calling.But removing myself from the situation is not really enough. All I've done is escaped and avoided the pain. I'm not sure how to face the pain and move forward.

What is it going to look like to forgive and begin to move forward? Forgive him, and forgive myself? To de-saturate my brain from these thoughts and images? To take back the life I was meant to have?

where did it go?

Ya know, I used to care about other people. I was full of mercy, and I loved listening to them tell whatever stories they had. But I don't know where that went. My mercy is not really present. I feel more bitterness now than ever - I feel more cycnical - I feel less caring and I don't feel like me.
I brush off your words, another's feelings are so abstract.
Feeling pushed away to often from others, I've pushed myself away from their words. Words that are seemingly meaningless to me.
I've pushed away from soo much more than words - but also from the only One who can truly love. Too many stupid human wounds, too many stupid free-will choices and too many times of thinking I can do it on my own.
So here I stand (though it's hardly a stance) on my own - not even knowing who I am. Feeling pain, feeling hurt, feeling like I drug myself down to the bottom of the pit with no ladder to get out. Longing to feel the physical pain of my emotional and moral turmoil. Wanting to run and hide from those i have hurt and let down. Caring about little but still not wanting to let go.
Holding on to all that has hurt me and brought me to this place. Desperate to feel something new. Hoping that this time it will be different. Knowing the journey will be long.

No fear in Belonging

An excerpt from the book I'm going thru
Nothing you do will cause God to love you more or less. God desires that your life is good, full and satisfying. But you can choose and empty, dry life. If you choose to walk away from God, He won't force you to stay. He will allow your decisions to have their full effect.
If you choose not to forgive, you will eventually become bitter
If you choose to continually pursue money, your life will be empty of meaning.
If you choose to use others, you will experience loneliness.
If you choose to walk away from God, you will live a life full of insecurity.
Most of us don't feel worthy to approach God, and we're not. The good thing is that God doesn't look for a perfect person, He looks for a humble heart.
*Fearless*

God just knew

It’s the small things. God knew what I needed.
Three ladies around a table. A conservative biology germ-aphobe. An engaged mathmetician. A double major “mom” to 7. What in the world could we possibly have in common? But they share 12 years of friendship that bears no end.
The last few weeks have been rough at work. Despite being surrounded by 7 kids all the time and I work with 2 other adults - sometimes, I still feel alone. The long nights at work, the early mornings to give medicines and the paperwork inbetween makes it hard to breathe let alone spend time with God. I try, I try so stinking hard but some days it just feels impossible.
I was going to go spend the night at a guy's house on my days off. I knew that if I went, we would watch some movies, we could cuddle and I could feel affection but i also knew what it would most likely led to. I was excited at the thrill but I was also disgusted that I had this craving for attention cuz this is a circle I keep traveling in. My friend worked til 6pm and I was thinking about takin' the drive out there nonetheless.
I was trying to nap and my phone rang, it was Kristi - reminding me that we had a lunch date - me, kristi & staci. We went to a nice lil tavern and just sat and talked. Then we went and had coffee & dessert at this nice lil coffee shop. We had the most awesome conversations. We were able to talk about God, and Staci's wedding coming up, and the family and the struggles we face. We started to share our dreams and what we want to do in life. I felt so revealed and energized. Beneath the surface we are 3 women who are passionate about life and who want to make a difference in the world and that long to be committed to God (even if I struggle a lot).
We were talking about relationships and I mentioned going b/w wanting to be married right now and not wanting a man to get in the way of my life. Staci wonderfully reminded me of what I secretly knew but didn't want to admit - that the right guy is the one who won't interfere with my dreams. I swear those were the most comforting words I've heard.
Then we decided to watch August Rush together - an amazing stinkin' movie.
All that to say, that God knew exactly what I needed today. My female friends are far and few between. My Christian friends are far and few between. God knew that I needed the reminder, that I needed to feel special today.
I love those two - we have such a special friendship. All the way back to 7th grade when we met because Kristi thought my name was Dennis. We hardly ever hung out with the same people, we were never in the same activities, or into the same sports. We have gone months without talking just cuz life got crazy BUT I know, without a doubt that they will always be there. And I think they know that I am always there for them - the best that I can be. I have learned so much from them and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
It's always nice to feel God's awesomeness, even in the small ways!!

captivating reflections

So my friend and I have been going thru the book Captivating. I was planning on writing about it as I read the chapters, but I feel like I've barely had time to sleep, let alone blog what I've been reading. The book I've been reading (Captivating) has been eye opening. The last 2 chapters I read talked about the wounds that women have. The author says that all women have wounds and that we learn about femininity from our parents - how they treat each other and how they treat us.
So I took a few moments to think about What are my wounds? How do I hide my femininity?
I learned that my mom held down the fort while dad made the money. That Dad loved us and mom. We all liked to play together and did so on weekends. I thought my sister was more loved but I wasn’t abandoned. It hurt that Dad wasn’t around BUT I’m pretty sure I always understood. We got to talk to him while he was at work
Even in high school Dad was around for all my events or atleast a lot of them. But then I was gone – working/volunteering and beginning to make my mark in the world. My mom was the authority figure and so we argued a lot. She worked and made dinner and the rules, but dad usually backed her. My Dad’s emotional absence may be a wound but he made it obvious that he cared for us. I guess my wounds stem from my dad not physically being present and maybe not having him to talk to as often as I’d like. And since I always argued with my mom, I felt/feel like I needed to turn to men. And my Dad’s over protectiveness has made me feel incapable/inferior and resulted in rebellion.
Somehow, I felt this overwhelming sensation that I needed to be a “man” in the house and hide my emotions.

But then I began to wonder: Can it really be that simple? Does it really matter?
What needs to happen now??

My twisted brain - if only there had been an adam &steve

SO, I've been visiting a dear friend of mine for a couple days. Last night he brought me to meet some of his gay friends, they get together one day a week and just hang out and talk and sometimes go out to the gar bar afterwards. It was, a very interesting experience. It was me and 8 gay guys. 5 of the 8 had been married - the shortest was 2 years and the longest was like 15 years, now they are all divorced, of those 5 I think that 4 of them had children. 1 of them was a retired southern baptist minister, 1 was a resigned deacon, 1 was/is a priest, and I think there was one more "religious" person in there. 6 of them were raised in the church. 3 of them still go to bible studies.
For having just met these men, they were all very nice and made me feel welcome (even though i was a girl joining in on a guy's gay group.) They talked about coming out to their parents, family and friends. About the difficulties and the strain that it caused. They talked about how even though they dated girls it was more because that's what they were supposed to do. THere was even some conversation about being condemned from family/friends and the church. ANd how a few of them had lost their jobs because of sexual orientation. Then the conversation turned to complaining about ex-wives lol!
But, as I was sitting there listening to everything they were saying, and soaking it all in - I was just in shock. One of them made the joke, about getting in to heaven, he said "ya, ya know there'll be a sign at the front gate that says homos use rear entrance" And we all laughed but then my brain just started to go.
Why is it wrong? For some reason the "because God said so" isn't really enough right now. I know that God created Adam and Even but not Adam and Steve - and that when two men (or women) get together they can't reproduce offspring in a natural way. But was has made the homosexual population get pushed even further away - more than a prostitute, or an alcoholic, or anything like that?
It just doesn't make sense to me - and there will be a block until it does. Especially because they gay friend that i have has been one of th ebest friends I could ever have - and he displays more attributes of Christ naturally, more than many Christians i have met. It's kind of frustrating and it really twists my brain around.

Captivating - 1

I’ve begun to read thru a book called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul that was written by John & Stasi Eldredge. So if you’ve known me more than like 2 weeks, you prolly just laughed that I would be reading such a book. I started to read it in Cali and then put it down, and have picked it back up again to read thru it with someone. As I read books like this I find myself flooded with questions. My brain goes a million miles a minute and I realize that I haven’t studied long enough to search out answers. So, as I read thru each chapter, I will summarize and pose questions about the unveiling of the mystery of a Woman’s soul. I hope, that those of you who will read this blog will join in my racing thoughts and provide input and knowledge as you can 


Chapter 1: The Heart of a Woman
The focus of the entire books centers around this “God created you as a women ‘God created man in his own image…male and female he created them’ (gen 1:27) Whatever it means to bear God’s image, you do so as a woman. Female. That’s how and where you bear his image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities – as a reflection of God’s own heart. You are a women to your soul, to the very core of your being And so the journey to discover what God meant when he created women in his image – when he created you as his woman – that journey begins with your heart. Another way of saying this is that the journey begins with desire…..We think you’ll find that every women in her heart longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and to unveil beauty. That is what makes women come alive”

I think I agree – women want to be romanced, be irreplaceable and to unveil beauty (not necessarily an societal outward beauty but a Godly beautiful). Stasi goes on to say that a women is a uniquely feminine warrior. That we will not fight the same way that men fight, and I get that but something about being a feminine warrior still sounds week to me; even though it is not intended to. Stasi mentions women like Esther, Mary & Ruth. As Stasi talks about beauty I cringe a little. I know she does not purposefully focus on the external beauty but it appears to be that way. Yes, it’s nice to look nice, to get dressed up and go somewhere BUT each women’s definition of nice is different. Not every women likes flowing dresses with sparkles, sometimes just a nice pair of dress pants or hell, a good pair of jeans can make ya feel like a million bucks. Maybe it’s a culture/generation difference but the thought of putting on make up and lip stick to look nice makes me want to vomit a lil on the inside. Then again, maybe it’s just a me thing.

The first chapter closes by presenting an overview of the desire of a man’s heart (which is was their other book is about –Wild At heart). The three core desires of a man’s heart are: to have a battle to fight, a desire for adventure, and to have a beauty to rescue.

Do you agree or does that all seem too simplistic?

A better place

Today and yesterday were my days off, and I spent a good deal of them sleeping. I keep telling myself that I'm going to do all these things, clean and organize and read - but it just doesn't seem to happen. But last night, I finally just opened up my itunes and listened to some of the sermons that have been downloading. I began to listen to a series called "pause" from Mossaic (in california). And what sticks out to me was listening to a pastor saying "you get to decide how you tell the story". He had been talking about being surprised with a sky diving trip, and he was nervous. But he realized that he got to decide how he told the story. Either he wouldn't do it, and people would sympathize with him, or he could do, be brave, and see if others would take the same risk. He ended up sky diving. He related this to the life we live - that with opportunity that arises, we get to chose how we rise to the occasion and then get to tell the story. When it comes to faith, and trials - how are we going to tell the story? How many times do I just give in because at the time it's easier - but what type of story does that make? Looking back, I don't think anyone really enjoys telling those stories - well there was this time that Satan tempted me, and I gave in. Every time we retell the story, that weakness sets in again. BUT how much strong we feel when we can say that Satan tempted us, and we fought. Then you become an encouragement to others, and it makes each battle better.

Another series was one that Church of the Beach Cities did around Christmas about forgiveness. Pastor Ken talked about how holding grudges and non-forgiveness against people only brews bitterness but learning to let go and forgive creates betterness. And he reminded me that if we are not able to forgive others, how is God supposed to forgive us? Then pastor Jimmy talked about forgetting. I often find myself dwelling in mistakes of the past and the times that I have really screwed up. Listening to Jimmy speak reminded me that we can't change the past. Remembering my pre-marital relations with guys doesn't make them go away, I can't undo the mistakes that I have already made - so what's the point? The more I remember them, the more I get sucked into them and the harder it is to move forward. Jimmy also reminded me that God has already forgotten it.

The last few months have been rocky, and strange and often ridiculous. Today, is the first time since the beginning of January that I feel myself heading towards a better place, towards the place I want to be. I know that it will not be easy. I know that I have many obstacles to overcome but I'm beginning to remember that I have fought this all before. My heart is softening and it's beginning to take in the knowledge that my head already has.

stuck

I'm stuck. Just like pooh bear in the tree when he was trying to get the honey.

Occasionally something inside of me stirs and I can feel that something is missing but I'm mostly stuck.

I work 14 hours a day, I'm so exhausted on my days off all I want to think about is sleep.

I can make a million and four excuses and reason myself out of anything.

I don't get to go to a church on Sunday and fellowship.

The men that are around me don't seem to hold the same morals that I do. Nor do the women.

I know I don't want to be in this place forever but I don't know how to find the energy to change.

I'm usually happy - I love my job - but I'm tired.

I don't want to stay stuck

I want to hear or learn something new

Music

I love music! I have a wide array of music, and I'm almost always listening to it!! Christian music is wonderful, it can portray some amazing messages and concepts. Often times it can move me into a place of worship. But I also get that from "non-christian" music. I often strive to find meaning, hope and "Jesus messages" from main stream music. I believe that people would be surprised what they find if they just flip the radio station. Anyway I got home today and turned on my ipod and I heard "bring me to life" by evanescence - the song struck me so hard all I could do was listen. For some reason Evanescence's songs have the ability to do that, they carry such powerful messages that can so easily describe the love of God!! As I listened to "Bring me to Life" I found it being my cry to God. So here are the lyrics:

Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and
lead It back home

(wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I Can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I Can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I Can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I Can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch without you love
Darling only you are the light among the dead

All of this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I Can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I Can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

And the link to hear it, if you would like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emC15LJAjhc&feature=PlayList&p=C0667AF4F7B31473&playnext=1&index=6

Picture Tag

I was tagged by Angie and these are the instructions she gave:
1. Go to your photo folders and open the 4th folder.
2. Choose the 4th photo.
3. Explain the photo.
4. Tag 4 other people!



This is from February 2006. Andrew, John and I were sitting at a stake & shake up in the gurnee area. I think I was getting bored as andrew and john were talking and I started to make fish faces. I'm sure there is more to the story of the picture but that is all I remember. It was an adventurous trip all in all. Andrew and I had gotten lost on the way to going to a small church to see anavox play. Then we met John for stake & shake afterwards - very interesting.

I tag: Joe Moses, and anyone that reads my blog today

sinking sand

"On Christ this solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
all other ground is sinking sand"

Wouldn't it be great if that was truly the truth? That verse rolled through my head the other day, and i laughed. How horrible, I know. I feel into the sinking sand this last week though - I saw the rock, and I turned away.

It's more like on Christ this solid rock - I have planted my foot. Not in the middle though, where it is totally secure, no of course not. It's more on the edge- closest to the sinking sand. So for a while it was how close can I get to the sinking sand without actually being in the sinking sand. Once I got there, I just dipped my hand in the sinking sand; but only for a little while.
But last week, last week was something special. Last week was, on this solid rock there is my foot, but only my foot. THe rest of me was trying to take a swim in this sinking sand. For an entire day I laid in the sinking sand with a foot on the rock. And for the entire next day I just laid between the rock and the sinking sand straining to find the energy to pull myself back up. Then I finally did.

A couple of my friends really helped out by speaking truths to me - many hard ones that i didn't want to hear- but truths nonetheless. As I began to come back to myself, I started to think about the danger of living on the edge; of being able to be on the rock but still see the sinking sand - to feel it's coolness and it's power of sucking. The best way to avoid the sinking sand is to be in the middle of the rock; or, to let the rock be my center.
I mean seriously, adam and eve lived in the perfect world with nothing wrong, not pornography, no drugs, no nothing. Then one day, this one serpent comes along and throws them off kilter. They didn't even know that life could be any other way. THen there is the world today - with everything wrong, so many paths. Temptation is around every corner, earhtly life is possible without God. So, if Adam and Eve were with GOd every day even though they weren't daily tempted - why in the world do I think that I can make it, in a world saturated with temptation if I am not daily seeking out God?? I can't, no one can! If anything, I need to be in it more than once daily. reading chunks of it at a time. Taking seperate time to meditate. But, no longer can it just be some other part of my day. It needs to BE MY DAY!

security

Sunday's sermon centered around how committed God is to us. Even after Adam & Eve ate the fruit they were forbidden to eat, and were trying to cover up their weaknesses/wrong doing because they were afraid to let God see them like that - God still called out to them. In genesis 3 when God said "where are you", it's suggested that God was opening up an invitation of forgiveness. Even though Adam and Eve were removed from the garden, God did not entirely abandon them because God is committed to us. As God stated in Isaiah 41:10 -"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". Reading that makes me feel silly for ever being afraid.

So all of sunday morning was about the fear of commitment. Being afraid to reach our and begin relationships, being afraid to commit to a marriage/friendship or a job. And I think i can say that I don't have a fear of commitment, as we think of it in the traditional sense: at least not a commitment to people. But I think I fear my commitment to God - not in the good way that draws me closer, but in the unhealthy was which pushes me away from God. And I fear committing to God because I fear letting go of my life - I like control.
Part of it is where I receive my security. I find security in friendships. I strive to be the best friend, it just makes me happy to be there for someone, it brings me joy to know that someone picked me first to help them - kinda childish/adolescent like, I know, but that's my friendship battle. I think it's getting better over time, but its still there sometimes. And I do think that i find my security and my self worth from my friendships. And I know that friendships are good, and healthy, and biblical BUT if that's what I'm worshipping then that's not right either. Or if fear what my friends think of me, that's not good either. I should fear nothing, other than God. Fear in that healthy way - that causes me to awe, obey, respect, worship and reverence :)


So - kind of a side bar - I love those conversations with people that you wish you could tape record because they were packed with soo much substance and truth and awesomeness. And you know that you will probably forget what you talked about but you really long to remember it because it was so awesome. I had one the other night. I was sharing with my friend about the church I had been to that morning and about the message that was shared. The message about fear. As I was sharing about what I had learned, he shared a story with me, and I'm going to share it with ya'll. One day, he was running on a track and as he was cooling down he was walking behind a woman. Some other guy was on the track, and started to walk next to this woman. He was hitting on her, and she just looked at this guy and said "I'm not interested, I'm married and I'm just not interested." Of course this guy was taken back, and was like whats wrong with just walking and talking and blah blah blah. So again the woman was like "I'm just not interested." So, the guy gets ticked cuz he's totally been rejected. Instead of taking it like a man, he begins to criticize this woman on her appearance and such. And the woman just turns to him and says "I dont care what you think of me, my husband loves me, and that's all that matters to me." So as my friend was observing all of this - it clicked. That's the security that we are called to have in God. My friend and I are both visual learners, and this just painted a beautiful picture for me the other night.

fear

I think I have finally found a church, that has a young adults ministry I can be a part of. Sunday actually strarted off crappy. I didn't want to get out of bed - I had a hard time sleeping. I was supposed to get up at 7, go to a service at 8, and go to another church at 11 but I didn't get out of bed til 10. I barely made it out the door by 10:3o and I was cranky, all I wanted to do was sleep. But I get in my car, turn on my gps and start going to this church. Half way there my gps craps out!! I swear it said I had 2 miles left on a particular road, and then it said I passed my turn. Fine I make a U turn to find it, but it wasn't there. I started yelling at my gps and it re-routed me. It took me in the largest round about circle ever. I was 5 maybe even 10 minutes late as I pull into the parking lot. Like many churches I've atteneded this place is HUGE!! I'm directed in a place to park and then walk into the church - I think i was atleast 15 minutes late. I hate being late to church. I had missed most of the music worship :( Agitated I sit down in a seat, look around and realize this place is like a stinking auditorium and think to myself "great another place to be just a number". I then look straight ahead, up on the massive stage and see a statue of sorts. It's about - 10 feet tall. And it's the word "FEAR". I laugh, probably out loud, and people probably thought I had a few screws loose. But there it is, this statue, of the word "fear". The only word, mind you, that i haven't been able to get out of my head for the last couple weeks. I believe i wrote about it a few days ago. So I dismiss it - whatever, it's just a word. Well guess what the message was about?? Fear. And guess what the next 6 weeks worth of messages are going to be about?? Fear.
I begin to think that maybe there's something to this theme. As the pastor was talking, to an almost full auditorium (with 2 levels of seating) I suddenly don't feel like a number. He talks to the entire crowd as if he knows us (not them but us). I get this sense that he makes an effort to be more than just the man on the stage, preaching. His preaching reminds me of Jimmy, from california - I smile. The sing "unchanging" and I hear Tiago's voice singing along with them - my heart warms up. The service comes to a close, and the Pastor invites anyone that is new to the church to come meet him in the guest area. I think to myself "are you serious?". He was. i went to the guest area, and a wonderful lady met me at the table, and gave me a lil bag of goodies. The pastor is there to say hello, shake my hand, and give me a book. Ohh ya, guess what the book was about?? You got it - Fear- 40 days of reflections about fear and how to be fearless. At this point, I don't think God could have spoken anymore clearly.

So during the service, he spoke of the fear of commitment. I think I'll write another post about it this week. But what hit me the most was this: when we think we fear commitment, we need to remember how committed God already is to us. So that our security should come from no other place. THe pastor said, that's the thing that allows him to risk building new friendships with people he meets. And to work on being committed to being committed.

The great commission

Last week I was visiting a church - as I've been known to do these days - and I heard a sermon about the church being sent out. I was real excited about the title of the sermon, and looking forward to the message - and it was a good message. But have you ever listened to a sermon (or a any speach) and known it was good but at the end you still weren't sure what the speaker was trying to get at?? That's how I felt last sunday.
The person speaking was looking at the passage John 20:19-23 - when Jesus first appears to his apostles after his death/resurection and he gives them peace, says "as the father has sent me, I am sending you" and breathes the holy spirit on them. I had never thought of this verse as the great commission - as it is not the one traditionally used. But the thing that got me was what he said afterwards. He said that american christians are the only christians who replace the "you" in the Bible with their name (ie "as the father has sent me, I am sending Denise"). Okay, fine, americans do weird things. But he brought up how this particular "you" is more of a ya'll - as it is referring to all those in the room where Jesus appeared. So the pastor's claim was that the church is sent, not individual people.
And I do agree, the entire body of believers is called to go out and do the work of Christ - not just a few people in the church. On the other hand, unless each individual in a church goes out, the whole church doesn't go out. Without each person feeling responsible and doing something - the whole church won't do anything. Does that make sense? It does in my head.

So anyway, like i said - I think the speaker was trying to say something bigger but i just didn't get it. The rest of the message had to do with the church being the church and letting the world be the world; and being a people that relationally engage the gospel.

My favorite part is probably when he spoke about how we've professionalized the church.

anyway - I've run across some lists of scriptures i made a couple years ago, and I'm trying to figure out what I wanted to do with them. So, if youdon't see me write about them in the next few weeks - someone buzz me an e-mail and remind me to stop procrastinating :)